I have always dreamed of being able to go back to school. I always thought my honey would get his degree and a job to go with that degree and I could go to college full time. Even applying for the Pell Grant, beginning this is out of grasp, and is very frustrating. I can't explain how I felt today.
I have to go on with what is working, taking care of my family, contributing to our household budget, and keeping our heads above water. I may never have more that a high school diploma to show for, but I long to learn more. I love to have things to challenge my mind, and I love to stretch it above and have more knowledge than what I had yesterday. I have a full doctorate degree in the school of hard knocks but no one wants your knowledge when it is earned that way.
I would love classes to improve my job today as I have it. English and writing classes to have a better understanding or refresher of the proper use of the English language and sentence structure. Computer training to make working the programs easier, instead of going about things the long way. I can play long enough on a program and learn it fairly well, but if I don't use it often, it goes by the way side.
I would love to be able to begin writing, but I lack the confidence of my sentence structure and would like a larger thesaurus in my mental vocabulary. Just from life experiences and from thoughts in my mind, I have a wide array of things that I believe that I could write well about.
What I cannot change, is not to continue dwelling on, so I will put it on the back burner until something changes.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand...
After taking a sleeping pill and a Vicodin, I am wide awake; maybe they counter-acted each other but none the less I cannot sleep. I have many events that stand to be corrected and in my present physical state, I feel myself lacking in the energy to correct it.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Things I strongly dislike....
I don't have much understanding for just crude stuff and the one thing that I think is so disrespectful and crude is this wrist bands that say "I boobies!" One, it is called Breast Cancer and is a very serious type of cancer. I have lost many friends and family, and have very dear friends that I would never disrespect by wearing anything like that! I notice that is mostly men that wear them, but I don't think I have ever met a single man that didn't "love boobies" so why do certain men need to advertise? Insecurity? I strongly dislike them and I think they are so disrespectful and watching my dear friend fight this dreaded disease angers me even more.I am even more put out when people wear them into worship. Where does that belong? I saw a male species (and I use the term lightly) tonight who had one of these bands on. He was not someone that you would consider a desirable date option but you know what he loves. Pshhh....
I also don't understand the face piercings. I'm not talking about the tiny nose piercings (which I think are cute in most cases), I am talking hoops in the lips, nose and eyebrows. What is it with the huge black hoops stretching the ear lobes? How some people scar and stretch their bodies and faces is so beyond me. I see younger and younger children being allowed to do this to their faces and bodies. Seriously, I don't think I could ever kiss someone that has lip piercings. It is really disgusting.
Parents that are sucked into the 'fashion fad' and allow their young girls to wear clothing that is way too suggestive or inappropriate. Why does America want to expose our precious little girls like this? Why do we as Christians not teach our daughters and special girls in our lives that their bodies belong to God first and then only to their husbands? It is a lesson that MUST be taught. There is modest and stylist clothing for girls. I appreciate and respect the moms that make their swimsuits and clothing and the girls are aware of what modesty means, even at young ages. Just because a girl has not met puberty, doesn't mean low cut or short short is appropriate. Creepers and sexual predators are looking at your little girls! They need to be protected by the people that God entrusted with them. Otherwise our girls don't have a chance, they are sending out messages that they don't even know they are sending. Just FYI, I feel the same about our boys too. Don't allow this 'sagging' mess. Who wants to see someones underwear? Not I. I usually just walk by singing the "Pants on the ground" song and they pull them up.
Friday, August 5, 2011
What is in the best interest of the child?
I will start off by saying I apologize if you are offended by this post but will not apologize for my morals and my beliefs.
I am currently taking a class in a child related field, and one of the statements among many that made us think was, "I believe that gay and lesbian couples should be able to foster and adopt children." The choices for our responses were "Strongly agree", "Agree", "Disagree" and "Strongly Disagree". As we went around the room I hear "Agree" (s) coming out of the responses and as they came to me, my response was "Strongly Disagree", and all heads turned to see who had responded like that, I mean who is seriously politically incorrect! I was asked why I strongly disagree. My answer was simple, God intended for a child to be raised by 1 man and 1 woman, and just because society and our very immoral nation thinks that homosexuality is OK, I by no means believe that. An older man spoke up, "wouldn't you rather a child be raised in a home with love than to stay in the system?" My answer was, "I don't want any child to stay in the system, but no, I would rather the child wait until a true family came around for them". He didn't like this answer either and shook his head, rolled his eyes and had that smirk on his face that said I was a stupid 'conservative' female. His next question, "why would you do that to a child, deny them the chance to be loved?" Key word there is chance, chance to be loved. My response was this, "By taking the responsibility of this child in my hands, and deciding what is in the best interest of that child, I could not in good consciounce place a child with a family that is living in sin,(this would also include a couple that was shacked up) becuase the chances of that child ever knowing the true and living God is slim to none and that child's eternity and that child's soul are more important to me than making a few beurocratic knuckle heads happy". I do believe we will answer for things like this. We do not think about anything long term. We do not think about our eternity, we do what gratifies us NOW, and we will deal with the other later. When deciding the fate of a child, I could not recommend placing a child in a home with gay or lesbian parents.
Are there other options? ABsolutely, and my option I am selecting is that I will not preside over a case where there are any homosexual couples involved. I know "man's law" has deemed this type of lifestyle acceptable because people are "born that way"?! I don't believe that either. God made us in HIS image. God is NOT homosexual, in fact, He says this about homosexuality...
"So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:27, 28
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." Leviticus 18:22
"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." Levitucus 20:13
After I stated my position on this situation, 2 other women said they agreed with me and 1 said that she would not accept a case like that either.
My goal is to protect the soul and eternity of every child I can and by giving them an average chance of coming to know the Lord, by not placing them in a home that is living in sin. As much as I want them to be loved here on earth and treasured as every child should be, eternity is a much longer spell. I do beleive it is in the best interest of a child to place them with a mom and a dad and prayfully, in a Christian home. THAT is in every child's best interest.
Another point I had was children in foster care, remove from their homes for chaos, abuse, neglect, and then placed with a homosexual couple. Does that stop the chaos? Will kids not make fun of that child that has 2 mommies or 2 daddies? Absolutely, and the chaos continues. Children that are removed from unthinkable situations should not be placed in homes that God says is an abomination. That is going from the unthinkable to the unthinkable.
I heard that 2 men adopted 3 little girls (siblings), but how are 2 men going to teach 3 little girls how to grow up to be moral and responsible young women? Little girls need a mommy & a daddy and little boys need a daddy and a mommy. Yes, I am aware that every child doesn't have that luxury, and does it make their life wrong? No, I was raised without a father, by his choice, and yes, I did think I missed out but my life was good, better than it ever would have been with him in my life. His absence DID affect my life in many negative ways but I am a bigger person than his comments or hatefulness. I had positive male role models and I was very sheltered from the sin of the world, but eventually you see it all.
Sitting a child on the front row seat at a porn show would be unthinkable, but placing them in an immoral home is no different, they are seeing and believing things that are not right or moral.
I love children enough to speak up for them and the bible is my first instruction manual in making that decision. If this is not for me, time will tell, but I beleive that my consciounce and my moral beliefs should be respected, as I do others, but when children are concerned, we have to think longer, not just tomorrow but next year and 100 years down the line.
I am currently taking a class in a child related field, and one of the statements among many that made us think was, "I believe that gay and lesbian couples should be able to foster and adopt children." The choices for our responses were "Strongly agree", "Agree", "Disagree" and "Strongly Disagree". As we went around the room I hear "Agree" (s) coming out of the responses and as they came to me, my response was "Strongly Disagree", and all heads turned to see who had responded like that, I mean who is seriously politically incorrect! I was asked why I strongly disagree. My answer was simple, God intended for a child to be raised by 1 man and 1 woman, and just because society and our very immoral nation thinks that homosexuality is OK, I by no means believe that. An older man spoke up, "wouldn't you rather a child be raised in a home with love than to stay in the system?" My answer was, "I don't want any child to stay in the system, but no, I would rather the child wait until a true family came around for them". He didn't like this answer either and shook his head, rolled his eyes and had that smirk on his face that said I was a stupid 'conservative' female. His next question, "why would you do that to a child, deny them the chance to be loved?" Key word there is chance, chance to be loved. My response was this, "By taking the responsibility of this child in my hands, and deciding what is in the best interest of that child, I could not in good consciounce place a child with a family that is living in sin,(this would also include a couple that was shacked up) becuase the chances of that child ever knowing the true and living God is slim to none and that child's eternity and that child's soul are more important to me than making a few beurocratic knuckle heads happy". I do believe we will answer for things like this. We do not think about anything long term. We do not think about our eternity, we do what gratifies us NOW, and we will deal with the other later. When deciding the fate of a child, I could not recommend placing a child in a home with gay or lesbian parents.
Are there other options? ABsolutely, and my option I am selecting is that I will not preside over a case where there are any homosexual couples involved. I know "man's law" has deemed this type of lifestyle acceptable because people are "born that way"?! I don't believe that either. God made us in HIS image. God is NOT homosexual, in fact, He says this about homosexuality...
"So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:27, 28
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." Leviticus 18:22
"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." Levitucus 20:13
After I stated my position on this situation, 2 other women said they agreed with me and 1 said that she would not accept a case like that either.
My goal is to protect the soul and eternity of every child I can and by giving them an average chance of coming to know the Lord, by not placing them in a home that is living in sin. As much as I want them to be loved here on earth and treasured as every child should be, eternity is a much longer spell. I do beleive it is in the best interest of a child to place them with a mom and a dad and prayfully, in a Christian home. THAT is in every child's best interest.
Another point I had was children in foster care, remove from their homes for chaos, abuse, neglect, and then placed with a homosexual couple. Does that stop the chaos? Will kids not make fun of that child that has 2 mommies or 2 daddies? Absolutely, and the chaos continues. Children that are removed from unthinkable situations should not be placed in homes that God says is an abomination. That is going from the unthinkable to the unthinkable.
I heard that 2 men adopted 3 little girls (siblings), but how are 2 men going to teach 3 little girls how to grow up to be moral and responsible young women? Little girls need a mommy & a daddy and little boys need a daddy and a mommy. Yes, I am aware that every child doesn't have that luxury, and does it make their life wrong? No, I was raised without a father, by his choice, and yes, I did think I missed out but my life was good, better than it ever would have been with him in my life. His absence DID affect my life in many negative ways but I am a bigger person than his comments or hatefulness. I had positive male role models and I was very sheltered from the sin of the world, but eventually you see it all.
Sitting a child on the front row seat at a porn show would be unthinkable, but placing them in an immoral home is no different, they are seeing and believing things that are not right or moral.
I love children enough to speak up for them and the bible is my first instruction manual in making that decision. If this is not for me, time will tell, but I beleive that my consciounce and my moral beliefs should be respected, as I do others, but when children are concerned, we have to think longer, not just tomorrow but next year and 100 years down the line.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thanks, I needed that!
Have you ever sat in church and listened to the sermon like it was written for you? Even though I know for certain it wasn't, it was exactly what I was needing. I have been doing my own private bible study concerning forgiveness and how to forgive myself. I am also my biggest critic, judge and jury and no one else could ever convict me harder than I convict myself. As well as forgiveness I have been studying confidence (because I am lacking that). I have ordered a book that comes out in August called "The Confident Woman" and I am not working on the author's study and pre-book study she has posted, but more about that later.
In studying about forgiveness, my thoughts go to others, I can preach self-forgiveness like I am convicted by it, but my words speak way louder than my actions. I always doubt myself, criticize myself and condemn myself. Do you know how sometimes things just click? Well, the sermon today was ones of those 'clicks' for me. I am always telling my kids that the only person whose opinion matters is God. If you are doing what God has asked, everyone should approve. (But we all know that is not always the way of the world.) My words came back to bite me and I understand now how wrong I was. When I asked God to forgive my wrongs, and He did, but I could not forgive myself, what am I doing? Am I saying I am higher than God? I believe that anyone that knows me, knows that I am not like that. Am I saying Jesus' blood sacrifice was not important? In a way I was, I was being very disrespectful to Christ, His sacrifice, and His grace.
Asking for forgiveness from Him, AND forgiving myself are key to receiving His grace. They are key to healing from your own iniquities. When He makes a promise, He keeps His promises and I needed to understand that I have to believe in His plan and stop judging myself when the true judge has already freed me from the bondage of my sins. If I am going to make a request for forgiveness from Him, I need to follow through with the plan, and stop letting my past interfere with my present and most definitely keep it out of my future by learning from my mistakes and not repeating them.
I appreciate Randy Daw and his honest preaching. He doesn't just preach to us, he preaches to himself as well, and that is very humbling, but mostly encouraging to me.
All in all, it was an amazing weekend. Zach and Jo are home until August 6th and he will fly out to Korea for a year and she will head out to Indiana between the middle to end of August. It was nice coming home and all my kids were home. Saturday got the yard all done, dogs all bathed, and we hit some thrift stores and the Super Goodwill in Garland and then we spent time with JB's parents, my parents, my kids, all at Jb's brother's home, swimming, playing games and cooking out. I was wonderful family time. Sunday is my favorite day of the week, and today was wonderful. I cooked a roast, potatoes, carrots since my best friend Donna and her daughter Mollie were coming in to drop off Mollie for the week. I have needed my Mollie fix. I also found out the Adam (Hoss) and his very pregnant wife were coming for lunch (so I added another roast to the other one) and we had a wonderful lunch and visiting time. Then I got a short nap before church; it was JB, me and Mollie in our big 'ole king bed napping. Just like old times. My boys always liked to nap with us and Mollie does too for Sunday naps, she always has. I am looking forward to this week with all my wonderful kiddos and time will tell how long Mollie will be with me.
I hope you have a wonderful week!
In studying about forgiveness, my thoughts go to others, I can preach self-forgiveness like I am convicted by it, but my words speak way louder than my actions. I always doubt myself, criticize myself and condemn myself. Do you know how sometimes things just click? Well, the sermon today was ones of those 'clicks' for me. I am always telling my kids that the only person whose opinion matters is God. If you are doing what God has asked, everyone should approve. (But we all know that is not always the way of the world.) My words came back to bite me and I understand now how wrong I was. When I asked God to forgive my wrongs, and He did, but I could not forgive myself, what am I doing? Am I saying I am higher than God? I believe that anyone that knows me, knows that I am not like that. Am I saying Jesus' blood sacrifice was not important? In a way I was, I was being very disrespectful to Christ, His sacrifice, and His grace.
Asking for forgiveness from Him, AND forgiving myself are key to receiving His grace. They are key to healing from your own iniquities. When He makes a promise, He keeps His promises and I needed to understand that I have to believe in His plan and stop judging myself when the true judge has already freed me from the bondage of my sins. If I am going to make a request for forgiveness from Him, I need to follow through with the plan, and stop letting my past interfere with my present and most definitely keep it out of my future by learning from my mistakes and not repeating them.
I appreciate Randy Daw and his honest preaching. He doesn't just preach to us, he preaches to himself as well, and that is very humbling, but mostly encouraging to me.
All in all, it was an amazing weekend. Zach and Jo are home until August 6th and he will fly out to Korea for a year and she will head out to Indiana between the middle to end of August. It was nice coming home and all my kids were home. Saturday got the yard all done, dogs all bathed, and we hit some thrift stores and the Super Goodwill in Garland and then we spent time with JB's parents, my parents, my kids, all at Jb's brother's home, swimming, playing games and cooking out. I was wonderful family time. Sunday is my favorite day of the week, and today was wonderful. I cooked a roast, potatoes, carrots since my best friend Donna and her daughter Mollie were coming in to drop off Mollie for the week. I have needed my Mollie fix. I also found out the Adam (Hoss) and his very pregnant wife were coming for lunch (so I added another roast to the other one) and we had a wonderful lunch and visiting time. Then I got a short nap before church; it was JB, me and Mollie in our big 'ole king bed napping. Just like old times. My boys always liked to nap with us and Mollie does too for Sunday naps, she always has. I am looking forward to this week with all my wonderful kiddos and time will tell how long Mollie will be with me.
I hope you have a wonderful week!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
About to press the play button on, pause on my life is off...
This was our last full day and we have decided to start breaking down camp tonight and packing the truck so all we have to do is minimal morning things to get to the house so we can go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. It has been such a hot week and with him feeling bad as it is, mom needs to check on her baby. We will try to make it to the worship portion of camp and have lunch with Brayden.
Today as planned we went into Sulpher Springs to prowl through some antique shops. We enjoyed each other’s company but there is definitely a difference between the hospitality in SS than Cooper; big difference. We found a few little things, since I was grounded from buying anything bigger than a book. Spoil sport. JB found an old football instructions book written by the Navy that he thought was quite comical! Mostly I believe that he enjoys razzing his Navy family and friends.
Time has been good and tonight will be equally great! I needed this and used it well. There has been no drama, no neediness, no anything except much needed quiet time reconnecting with my honey and my Lord. Placing yourself back to the basics (if you can call my camper that) with nature and the things that don’t care about the drama of the world.
I have heard, mostly through Facebook, some not so good things that have happened in the world this week. I was sad when the child (Caylee) turned up missing and the thought that something could have happened at the hands of her mother. I can’t change it and judgment will be the Lord’s. I would hate to think that I passed judgment on one who was just flat making bad choice after bad choice and it caught up with her. None of it will bring that sweet baby back and I don’t want to be judged for my bitterness and anger on something I will never know the truth about. I was also very sad for the little boy whose daddy fell to his death at the Rangers game. I recently had that same scary experience with my own husband so I know how easy it is for someone to reach a little too far for something being thrown especially if it is for their child. My prayers have gone up for that family and all those touched by these tragic events. It does sadden me of those who make light of any death and those that in anger strike out because they are unhappy with the judicial system.
I can remember being a young mom, but luckily I had strength in my marriage and my husband by my side. These moms raising kids alone will sometimes do anything to keep their man, even if it means hurting or getting rid of the most precious gift they ever received. It is not how God intended but let’s face it, we have gotten way away from what God wants. When we start to return to God we will see children being raised in whole, complete, loving families. I am NOT looking down on or judging single moms or teen moms. I was raised by a single mom, but not by her choice. My mom worked full time and went to school full time and took care of us with the help of her parents. My best friend is a single mom and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are better without the father. I know without any doubt that I am better because my father was not in my life. No matter what a parent does, (listen to me, everyone ready to condemn) that child will love and trust that parent until they draw their last breath. I understand there are extenuating circumstances, what I don’t understand is young ladies CHOOSING to bring a baby into this world WITHOUT a lifetime commitment from a man. Without a ring on their finger.
Are complete families perfect? Very rarely, but the love of natural mother/father, grandparents, etc. is unmatched to any. No one can love a child like their own parent. Has my husband or myself been the perfect parents and partners? NO WAY! Not even close, we still work daily on loving our children and each other. IT IS A JOB, Family and marriage is VERY HARD WORK! It takes everyone involved to be committed.
My son married young and I heard from so many about how I should stop the wedding and talk to them. Guys, listen, marriage is NOT about age, marriage is about commitment. Our preacher says one phrase that I love, when he is talking about re-building your marriage and when troubles come in your marriage, “Divorce is NOT an option!” If you go into marriage KNOWING this, everything is workable.
Just like this week, my husband and I have to take time for US. If you lose sight of each other, things start to unravel. We try to get away and reconnect as partners for each other and for our boys. This week was very timely for both of us. The last year has been anything but normal for us. Neither of us has dealt much with surgeries, and this year we had 3 between the two of us. We also had to deal with a sort of separation when my husband was moved to 2nd shift which meant he was gone from 3-11pm, so my son and I only saw him on the weekend, IF he wasn’t scheduled to work then also. It was very hard on our family, very emotional because we have always spent a lot of time together. Even the military never got that hard. We had our schedule and he had his and they never seemed to meet the expectations of each other. Trying to re-establish our routine again as a family in the evenings has been a challenge but we have taken one day at a time. Much to talk about and much to figure out where our family will be going and in what direction we will take.
Today, our last day here was awesome. We packed the camper with what we could and plan to leave out early to spend time with our kids, all of them. Zachary is leaving for Korea on August 6th and he will be gone for one year, and that is very bittersweet for me. This is his independence, this is his life, this is his job and mom can’t be there all the time. Zachary’s wife won’t be able to go and will move to Indiana with her parents until Zachary returns and they make their home once again in Utah.
I am ready to assume life again. I am pressing the button and removing the ‘pause’ status on my life and will go full force into enjoying what is left of it, with my husband and my kids and my wonderful family and friends by my side. We will tackle the challenges that will face our whole family and make decisions thinking about what God would have us do and striving to please Him.
Today as planned we went into Sulpher Springs to prowl through some antique shops. We enjoyed each other’s company but there is definitely a difference between the hospitality in SS than Cooper; big difference. We found a few little things, since I was grounded from buying anything bigger than a book. Spoil sport. JB found an old football instructions book written by the Navy that he thought was quite comical! Mostly I believe that he enjoys razzing his Navy family and friends.
Time has been good and tonight will be equally great! I needed this and used it well. There has been no drama, no neediness, no anything except much needed quiet time reconnecting with my honey and my Lord. Placing yourself back to the basics (if you can call my camper that) with nature and the things that don’t care about the drama of the world.
I have heard, mostly through Facebook, some not so good things that have happened in the world this week. I was sad when the child (Caylee) turned up missing and the thought that something could have happened at the hands of her mother. I can’t change it and judgment will be the Lord’s. I would hate to think that I passed judgment on one who was just flat making bad choice after bad choice and it caught up with her. None of it will bring that sweet baby back and I don’t want to be judged for my bitterness and anger on something I will never know the truth about. I was also very sad for the little boy whose daddy fell to his death at the Rangers game. I recently had that same scary experience with my own husband so I know how easy it is for someone to reach a little too far for something being thrown especially if it is for their child. My prayers have gone up for that family and all those touched by these tragic events. It does sadden me of those who make light of any death and those that in anger strike out because they are unhappy with the judicial system.
I can remember being a young mom, but luckily I had strength in my marriage and my husband by my side. These moms raising kids alone will sometimes do anything to keep their man, even if it means hurting or getting rid of the most precious gift they ever received. It is not how God intended but let’s face it, we have gotten way away from what God wants. When we start to return to God we will see children being raised in whole, complete, loving families. I am NOT looking down on or judging single moms or teen moms. I was raised by a single mom, but not by her choice. My mom worked full time and went to school full time and took care of us with the help of her parents. My best friend is a single mom and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are better without the father. I know without any doubt that I am better because my father was not in my life. No matter what a parent does, (listen to me, everyone ready to condemn) that child will love and trust that parent until they draw their last breath. I understand there are extenuating circumstances, what I don’t understand is young ladies CHOOSING to bring a baby into this world WITHOUT a lifetime commitment from a man. Without a ring on their finger.
Are complete families perfect? Very rarely, but the love of natural mother/father, grandparents, etc. is unmatched to any. No one can love a child like their own parent. Has my husband or myself been the perfect parents and partners? NO WAY! Not even close, we still work daily on loving our children and each other. IT IS A JOB, Family and marriage is VERY HARD WORK! It takes everyone involved to be committed.
My son married young and I heard from so many about how I should stop the wedding and talk to them. Guys, listen, marriage is NOT about age, marriage is about commitment. Our preacher says one phrase that I love, when he is talking about re-building your marriage and when troubles come in your marriage, “Divorce is NOT an option!” If you go into marriage KNOWING this, everything is workable.
Just like this week, my husband and I have to take time for US. If you lose sight of each other, things start to unravel. We try to get away and reconnect as partners for each other and for our boys. This week was very timely for both of us. The last year has been anything but normal for us. Neither of us has dealt much with surgeries, and this year we had 3 between the two of us. We also had to deal with a sort of separation when my husband was moved to 2nd shift which meant he was gone from 3-11pm, so my son and I only saw him on the weekend, IF he wasn’t scheduled to work then also. It was very hard on our family, very emotional because we have always spent a lot of time together. Even the military never got that hard. We had our schedule and he had his and they never seemed to meet the expectations of each other. Trying to re-establish our routine again as a family in the evenings has been a challenge but we have taken one day at a time. Much to talk about and much to figure out where our family will be going and in what direction we will take.
Today, our last day here was awesome. We packed the camper with what we could and plan to leave out early to spend time with our kids, all of them. Zachary is leaving for Korea on August 6th and he will be gone for one year, and that is very bittersweet for me. This is his independence, this is his life, this is his job and mom can’t be there all the time. Zachary’s wife won’t be able to go and will move to Indiana with her parents until Zachary returns and they make their home once again in Utah.
I am ready to assume life again. I am pressing the button and removing the ‘pause’ status on my life and will go full force into enjoying what is left of it, with my husband and my kids and my wonderful family and friends by my side. We will tackle the challenges that will face our whole family and make decisions thinking about what God would have us do and striving to please Him.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I caught my first fish ever....
Day 4 and I caught my first fish. By time I get back to Greenville, my fish story will be enormous! In all actuality it was a small crappie about 8 inches long. He was very happy to be released back so he could grow some more. It reminds me of that movie, “the Incredible Mr. Limpet” where the first jumps in the lake and waves to the people behind. No, we didn’t get that much gratitude but none the less, he was grateful to not be part of our lunch. Or at the rate that we can eat, he could have been our whole lunch! It was an absolutely beautiful morning on the pier from 8-10 am; there was a nice cooling breeze coming off the water, so much so that I almost lost my cowboy hat a couple times and that my friends would have been a catastrophe! I have never been a hat person, ever, but people buy me hats and I think I look like a total dork in them. As hot as it was predicted to be, I thought I needed to wear one because I burn way too easily. I have actually enjoyed them this week. My honey, who always wears a cap didn’t bring a single one with him and didn’t want to wear mine?!?! Wonder why? Yes, you are right if you said he had to buy him a cap! What a lame excuse! But oh, well, such as life.
Armed with our chairs, cooler with water and orangeade and lemonade, tackle box, fishing poles and florescent green worms, (they even bled the neon green when you tore them in half to feed the fish!) my 50SPF sun block, granola bar, and cell phone (to call 911 when I caught JB somewhere with my hook trying to cast out. I always think ahead) we headed out not early enough, but still early to do this fishing thing. And I enjoyed it but soon realized that I should have brought a book to read while waiting for the bell on my fishing pole to ring. I think it was a wonderful morning relaxing.
On the way back to camp, the truck yelled at us, do any of you have a vehicle that yells at you when the gas gage is low? Ours does and it scares me every time. We got a little gas by the lake and went on into Cooper to get a better price. While we were in Cooper, we stopped at another antique store that wasn’t open yesterday. The little lady that owned it talked and talked, telling me everything that the particular item I was looking at was used for. This shop was pretty chaotic and things were in boxes and you couldn’t get down rows, etc. Now I love to dig for things but would definitely prefer that the air conditioner be on while I am doing that, so we didn’t hang out long. Yes, I did buy something. But I REALLY NEEDED it! It was a swivel stool for my vanity and it is so cute and once again matches nothing in my house, but it is now mine! I have been using an office desk but have wanted a stool, and when that silly thing called my name, I had to take it home. It has been recovered in leopard print material (why it matches nothing in my house) but it will be fine where I want to use it.
I have also decided that the town of Cooper has the nicest people! Everywhere we go, people are so kind and friendly like they have known us forever. If you don’t feel like you belong in this world, come visit downtown Cooper shops. After purchasing my great find, we decided to have lunch downtown, our plan was to not eat out this week, but we went to a place called Burgers ‘n Beans on the square, and you talk about friendly. I love listening to conversation all around me from people that truly love and enjoying being with those they are with. B ‘n B reminded me a lot of Ruby’s café in downtown Greenville. And just like when I go to Ruby’s, I got beans and cornbread with onions! They were so good! JB got a corndog and was able to eat the whole thing after resting about ¾ of the way through. Sometimes I am envious because I couldn’t even think about eating a corndog at 6 weeks post-op. He said it tasted absolutely wonderful! Oh, the little things. Funny thing about us eating out, it absolutely drives wait staff crazy when we don’t order something to drink. They just about fall over themselves trying to convince us to drink something, anything! One time at Ruby’s, they just brought us waters and we had to explain our situation and that the drink in front of us would be too much temptation.
After lunch we headed to look for a sign I saw earlier yesterday. All it said was “Free donkeys”. I wanted a picture because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. But who wants another donkey in their lives, right? We never did find it and disagreed where the point was that I began laughing about the sign. I have seen many signs, free puppies, free kittens, free husband, but never a sign that said free donkeys. What to do with that free donkey?!?! Nothing is ever free anyways! And now my honey thinks I am obsessing over the free donkeys, but do not question the fact that I DO NOT WANT a free donkey! After that wonderful adventure, we came back to the camp and took a good nap, which is what this week was about, resting, relaxing and not being needed by anyone except the one with me.
I was expecting that a friend might visit yesterday and was planning for us to make salads for dinner, since my honey won’t touch the stuff; I enjoy having a salad with friends. Events made it so she didn’t get to come out, so I fixed my salad tonight for dinner and was it ever wonderful. Romaine greens, chopped rotisserie chicken, blue cheese, chopped granny smith apple, and walnuts with some light vinaigrette dressing over it. It went down well and I ate about ½ of it.
Tomorrow will be our last full day and we have talked about maybe leaving out early on Sunday to go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. With him being sick right before leaving, I hate not checking on him. Time will tell though, and we will make a decision soon.
Tonight the plan is to go fishing again, once the sun goes down, so we will see about all that.
Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!
Armed with our chairs, cooler with water and orangeade and lemonade, tackle box, fishing poles and florescent green worms, (they even bled the neon green when you tore them in half to feed the fish!) my 50SPF sun block, granola bar, and cell phone (to call 911 when I caught JB somewhere with my hook trying to cast out. I always think ahead) we headed out not early enough, but still early to do this fishing thing. And I enjoyed it but soon realized that I should have brought a book to read while waiting for the bell on my fishing pole to ring. I think it was a wonderful morning relaxing.
On the way back to camp, the truck yelled at us, do any of you have a vehicle that yells at you when the gas gage is low? Ours does and it scares me every time. We got a little gas by the lake and went on into Cooper to get a better price. While we were in Cooper, we stopped at another antique store that wasn’t open yesterday. The little lady that owned it talked and talked, telling me everything that the particular item I was looking at was used for. This shop was pretty chaotic and things were in boxes and you couldn’t get down rows, etc. Now I love to dig for things but would definitely prefer that the air conditioner be on while I am doing that, so we didn’t hang out long. Yes, I did buy something. But I REALLY NEEDED it! It was a swivel stool for my vanity and it is so cute and once again matches nothing in my house, but it is now mine! I have been using an office desk but have wanted a stool, and when that silly thing called my name, I had to take it home. It has been recovered in leopard print material (why it matches nothing in my house) but it will be fine where I want to use it.
I have also decided that the town of Cooper has the nicest people! Everywhere we go, people are so kind and friendly like they have known us forever. If you don’t feel like you belong in this world, come visit downtown Cooper shops. After purchasing my great find, we decided to have lunch downtown, our plan was to not eat out this week, but we went to a place called Burgers ‘n Beans on the square, and you talk about friendly. I love listening to conversation all around me from people that truly love and enjoying being with those they are with. B ‘n B reminded me a lot of Ruby’s café in downtown Greenville. And just like when I go to Ruby’s, I got beans and cornbread with onions! They were so good! JB got a corndog and was able to eat the whole thing after resting about ¾ of the way through. Sometimes I am envious because I couldn’t even think about eating a corndog at 6 weeks post-op. He said it tasted absolutely wonderful! Oh, the little things. Funny thing about us eating out, it absolutely drives wait staff crazy when we don’t order something to drink. They just about fall over themselves trying to convince us to drink something, anything! One time at Ruby’s, they just brought us waters and we had to explain our situation and that the drink in front of us would be too much temptation.
After lunch we headed to look for a sign I saw earlier yesterday. All it said was “Free donkeys”. I wanted a picture because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. But who wants another donkey in their lives, right? We never did find it and disagreed where the point was that I began laughing about the sign. I have seen many signs, free puppies, free kittens, free husband, but never a sign that said free donkeys. What to do with that free donkey?!?! Nothing is ever free anyways! And now my honey thinks I am obsessing over the free donkeys, but do not question the fact that I DO NOT WANT a free donkey! After that wonderful adventure, we came back to the camp and took a good nap, which is what this week was about, resting, relaxing and not being needed by anyone except the one with me.
I was expecting that a friend might visit yesterday and was planning for us to make salads for dinner, since my honey won’t touch the stuff; I enjoy having a salad with friends. Events made it so she didn’t get to come out, so I fixed my salad tonight for dinner and was it ever wonderful. Romaine greens, chopped rotisserie chicken, blue cheese, chopped granny smith apple, and walnuts with some light vinaigrette dressing over it. It went down well and I ate about ½ of it.
Tomorrow will be our last full day and we have talked about maybe leaving out early on Sunday to go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. With him being sick right before leaving, I hate not checking on him. Time will tell though, and we will make a decision soon.
Tonight the plan is to go fishing again, once the sun goes down, so we will see about all that.
Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
And Thursday was the day we ran away...
Day 3 and Thursday has been so fun and so interesting. I love learning about towns around us and historical facts. We started out this morning by planning a trip into downtown Cooper to check out a few of the antique stores and a soda fountain that JB had heard about. My finds at the antique store today were a tin ‘vase’ of some sort that would work perfectly for our camper kitchen utensils, an antique necklace that was in the ‘sale’ box, a handmade white shawl (since my honey says I am always cold), an antique flour sifter and an end table. The end table was love at first sight, matches nothing in my house, yet (meaning I agreed to re-finish all our other end tables, but planned to do that anyways). The table is an off white that has been rubbed to see the darker wood underneath in spots and has 2 surfaces of table. The top surface has music sheets, about 8-10 songs from church songbooks and the pages are transparent. I just loved it!
After visiting the antique stores we stopped by the Miller pharmacy and soda fountain shop on the square. JB and I split a chocolate milkshake, but the most interesting thing was that this is truly an old fashioned soda shop! Everything used in there to make milkshakes and mix sodas was very old, even the cash register was VERY old. No electronics to it, push in the number and the wooden drawer opens. The lady that made our milkshake is 84 years old and her name is Mrs. Maybel Wheat, she has worked behind that soda fountain for 62 years, making the same thing. They also mix the sodas the old fashioned way, if you want a strong Coke, you get 5 pumps of syrup and if you want a weak Coke, you get 3 pumps. There is no such thing as a diet anything at this soda fountain. Mrs. Maybel chatted and talked and laughed with us. She and her husband raised 2 boys and we have two boys. During our visit there Mrs. Maybel had a leak in her carbonated water fountain and got the tools to fix that stubborn washer. Armed with a screwdriver and fountain wrench, she got busy until it was running properly again, afterall, there was a precious 4 year old little girl that had been asking for Mrs. Maybel’s Coke float for 3 weeks. Oh, and the ice cream that is used is all homemade, so there are only a handful of flavors.
Our main reason for heading to Paris was that JB wanted to get his picture taken with the Eiffle Tower sporting the cowboy hat. Oh, the little things that make that man happy.We then set out to find some lunch and WATER! Not exactly in that order because those that know me well know I can’t drink while I eat. We ended up at TaMolly’s in Paris, of all places. I had posted on Facebook that we were in Paris and one of my girls, Chaun Rai, asked where we were at and shortly after, she was sitting there with us talking. She is going to PJC on a cheerleading scholarship and is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of the strong independent person she has become. We met her guy friend who treats her like she deserves to be treated, like a princess, and we very much like him.
After lunch we were so into Paris, Texas and learning about things we kept looking. JB found the old railroad depot which now has a small museum in it and went through it. It was a neat site. We then found the tombstone of John S. Chishum, a huge cattleman in the late 1800’s, who lead 60,000 to 100,000 cattle from Texas to New Mexico. It was said he was the best counter by his one time partner and always knew how many cattle he had.
We went through an old cemetery in Paris, Evergreen Cemetery, and it had some very old stones. There are over 40,000 remains there and there was so much fascination with how personal some get and how simple others get. Some people were so very loved and you can tell by the sentiments and the sayings. One preacher was buried there, and his congregation erected a monument in his memory (you can see all these pictures on my Facebook page), he was very loved and missed. Family plots range from simple to extraordinaire, and you can tell who had the money by going through a cemetery. The very old stones would say something like, ‘Henrietta Mae who was aged 12 in years, was snatched from us while she slept from the terrible fever. May the Lord watch over her’. No dates or other markings. The original reason for our visit to Evergreen Cemetery was because my crazy honey wanted a picture of the monument that portrayed Jesus wearing a pair of cowboy boots. It was during the late 1800’s and the name was Babcock.
It has been a fun crazy day and we have really enjoyed this venture! I have learned so much today, the worst being that sweet and heat don’t mix for me. I had a bad experience once before but now have absolutely gotten the message. After getting the milkshake and walking a bit, I got sick to my stomach. It was hot and some of the antique stores were not air conditioned, they just had fans placed around different areas. I was OK until I had the milkshake (only a few sips; most was thrown away) and the sweetness of that with the heat hit me. Lesson learned, to not be repeated.
We are now on our way to the Wal-Greens in Sulpher Springs to pick up the steroid medications for JB. His doctor called and it is confirmed that he has gout, so now to get his acid levels back to normal and his foot feeling better. Our bariatric surgeon said this is common after bariatric surgery since your body is being purged of the lifestyle it once knew. I have researched gout and it is a very interesting read. It is amazing how our bodies react to things, which makes it even harder to not believe in the Lord. How amazing that our body does things to fix or compensate (sometimes over compensate) for trauma or stress our bodies encounter.
I am so enjoying this “relaxing, nobody needs me and have no time restraint in our days” week and I have not missed work at all! Usually I feel guilty about being off and such and that is not even a problem. Have barely even thought about the tasks at work of what will be left for me when I get back, because this is all good! It will get done and we will have a successful week, we are having a successful week!
Still ready to go fish and might even consider trying out that game thing called golf. But I won’t volunteer that information, it will be a wait and see week!
After visiting the antique stores we stopped by the Miller pharmacy and soda fountain shop on the square. JB and I split a chocolate milkshake, but the most interesting thing was that this is truly an old fashioned soda shop! Everything used in there to make milkshakes and mix sodas was very old, even the cash register was VERY old. No electronics to it, push in the number and the wooden drawer opens. The lady that made our milkshake is 84 years old and her name is Mrs. Maybel Wheat, she has worked behind that soda fountain for 62 years, making the same thing. They also mix the sodas the old fashioned way, if you want a strong Coke, you get 5 pumps of syrup and if you want a weak Coke, you get 3 pumps. There is no such thing as a diet anything at this soda fountain. Mrs. Maybel chatted and talked and laughed with us. She and her husband raised 2 boys and we have two boys. During our visit there Mrs. Maybel had a leak in her carbonated water fountain and got the tools to fix that stubborn washer. Armed with a screwdriver and fountain wrench, she got busy until it was running properly again, afterall, there was a precious 4 year old little girl that had been asking for Mrs. Maybel’s Coke float for 3 weeks. Oh, and the ice cream that is used is all homemade, so there are only a handful of flavors.
Our main reason for heading to Paris was that JB wanted to get his picture taken with the Eiffle Tower sporting the cowboy hat. Oh, the little things that make that man happy.We then set out to find some lunch and WATER! Not exactly in that order because those that know me well know I can’t drink while I eat. We ended up at TaMolly’s in Paris, of all places. I had posted on Facebook that we were in Paris and one of my girls, Chaun Rai, asked where we were at and shortly after, she was sitting there with us talking. She is going to PJC on a cheerleading scholarship and is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of the strong independent person she has become. We met her guy friend who treats her like she deserves to be treated, like a princess, and we very much like him.
After lunch we were so into Paris, Texas and learning about things we kept looking. JB found the old railroad depot which now has a small museum in it and went through it. It was a neat site. We then found the tombstone of John S. Chishum, a huge cattleman in the late 1800’s, who lead 60,000 to 100,000 cattle from Texas to New Mexico. It was said he was the best counter by his one time partner and always knew how many cattle he had.
We went through an old cemetery in Paris, Evergreen Cemetery, and it had some very old stones. There are over 40,000 remains there and there was so much fascination with how personal some get and how simple others get. Some people were so very loved and you can tell by the sentiments and the sayings. One preacher was buried there, and his congregation erected a monument in his memory (you can see all these pictures on my Facebook page), he was very loved and missed. Family plots range from simple to extraordinaire, and you can tell who had the money by going through a cemetery. The very old stones would say something like, ‘Henrietta Mae who was aged 12 in years, was snatched from us while she slept from the terrible fever. May the Lord watch over her’. No dates or other markings. The original reason for our visit to Evergreen Cemetery was because my crazy honey wanted a picture of the monument that portrayed Jesus wearing a pair of cowboy boots. It was during the late 1800’s and the name was Babcock.
It has been a fun crazy day and we have really enjoyed this venture! I have learned so much today, the worst being that sweet and heat don’t mix for me. I had a bad experience once before but now have absolutely gotten the message. After getting the milkshake and walking a bit, I got sick to my stomach. It was hot and some of the antique stores were not air conditioned, they just had fans placed around different areas. I was OK until I had the milkshake (only a few sips; most was thrown away) and the sweetness of that with the heat hit me. Lesson learned, to not be repeated.
We are now on our way to the Wal-Greens in Sulpher Springs to pick up the steroid medications for JB. His doctor called and it is confirmed that he has gout, so now to get his acid levels back to normal and his foot feeling better. Our bariatric surgeon said this is common after bariatric surgery since your body is being purged of the lifestyle it once knew. I have researched gout and it is a very interesting read. It is amazing how our bodies react to things, which makes it even harder to not believe in the Lord. How amazing that our body does things to fix or compensate (sometimes over compensate) for trauma or stress our bodies encounter.
I am so enjoying this “relaxing, nobody needs me and have no time restraint in our days” week and I have not missed work at all! Usually I feel guilty about being off and such and that is not even a problem. Have barely even thought about the tasks at work of what will be left for me when I get back, because this is all good! It will get done and we will have a successful week, we are having a successful week!
Still ready to go fish and might even consider trying out that game thing called golf. But I won’t volunteer that information, it will be a wait and see week!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Vacation part 2, lovin life!
Amazed is the only word I can use for it! All my life I ate what was on my plate (for the kids that were starving in China) and now I can’t even finish the little I put on my plate. I am not complaining at all, but when I look at what restaurants serve…they are killing us with 2, 3 and sometimes 4 times what a serving is. JB and I can split a kid’s meal and still have about ½ left. I know I could not have eaten that little (with will power) before surgery, although I didn’t eat that much. The old wicked PCOS had its grip on me. Why this thought is here, I cooked one potato, one small squash and zucchini, onion and okra with 2 sausage links and we won’t be able to eat it at all. I think I won’t save it thought. I want variety this week. It smells really wonderful though. JB cooked 4 pieces of bacon for breakfast (applewood smoked), and I had a chick fil a chicken salad wrapped in romaine lettuce although I wasted more than ½.
This had been SO relaxing which I needed. Now all I need is a manicure and massage. Don’t guess there is one of those places in the state park. Hammock is set up and calling my name but I have been busy so far today to heed the call. JB has a spot on his foot that is inflamed and hurting so back to Greenville we went today to see our doctor. She did blood work but thinks it is gout. Doesn’t that stink? We are supposed to be walking and riding our new bikes and gout rears its ugly head. My honey got a steroid shot in his hinny and has felt better today. We are waiting for a call from Dr. T (our bariatric doctor) to see what his treatment options are, because we are so limited taking any anti-inflammatory drugs since ‘sleeve’ weight loss surgery. We got the camper organized inside and are about to go get the outside comfy and organized. About the time you get everything set up perfect, it is time to pack up and head home and back to that thing that we call life.
We both needed this break alone and away from the things that cloud our mind and hearts, so we can get back to God, ourselves and organize our thoughts. I love my job but really needed some time away because even though it is hourly, it really is 24/7 and whenever any one of the 400 bosses I have needs something, they call. And that is OK, I just needed a time of NOT being needed except by one person, my honey, that I can handle. I have a very personal family incident going on and it had taken a different twist that I truly did not expect last week. It was emotional because I couldn’t fix it and I cried for the sweet soul that was going through something I hope they never have to go through again. I hurt for my Brayden that was trying to make sense of what was happening and why it was happening. He is tender-hearted and believes that good people don’t have these things happen, but we all know that good people have bad things happen, and only through prayer will God see us all through to the other side.
Music, reading, blogging, emailing Brayden at Camp Deer Run, cross-stitching, fishing and card making along with walking and riding bikes. This is what I call a vacation, relaxation, and be ready for the rest of the year. I have enjoyed quiet, uninterrupted conversations with my honey. They always go back to memories or what life used to be like. Talking about our funny boys antics, life in the military, past jobs and distant friends and family. It is always sad when I lose contact with a friend but especially family. I have family that I love dearly who disrespected my honey and I don’t want to be part of their lives. Faced with a cancer scare they sarcastically joked about something and refused to apologize. I love them but I don’t like them and I would have never done that to another person, so that is not the negative that we need in our lives. Pushing the drama out of my life from family was a resolution for this year. They can have their drama but I don’t want any part of it and you know what? I am happier, because I am not hearing the negative talk about other family. Why must we always look at the down side of people instead of lifting one another up with encouragement?
This is one thing that I have slacked off on, visiting those that need companions, writing those that need encouragement, helping those that would not ask for help because they are too much like me and just being an encouragement to others instead of a burden. I pray this week puts my priorities in order and I am able to resume the things that have been lacking for a year, since I had my ACL surgery. No excuses, just neglectful!
I hope you had an amazing Wednesday and encouraged someone today with your smile.
This had been SO relaxing which I needed. Now all I need is a manicure and massage. Don’t guess there is one of those places in the state park. Hammock is set up and calling my name but I have been busy so far today to heed the call. JB has a spot on his foot that is inflamed and hurting so back to Greenville we went today to see our doctor. She did blood work but thinks it is gout. Doesn’t that stink? We are supposed to be walking and riding our new bikes and gout rears its ugly head. My honey got a steroid shot in his hinny and has felt better today. We are waiting for a call from Dr. T (our bariatric doctor) to see what his treatment options are, because we are so limited taking any anti-inflammatory drugs since ‘sleeve’ weight loss surgery. We got the camper organized inside and are about to go get the outside comfy and organized. About the time you get everything set up perfect, it is time to pack up and head home and back to that thing that we call life.
We both needed this break alone and away from the things that cloud our mind and hearts, so we can get back to God, ourselves and organize our thoughts. I love my job but really needed some time away because even though it is hourly, it really is 24/7 and whenever any one of the 400 bosses I have needs something, they call. And that is OK, I just needed a time of NOT being needed except by one person, my honey, that I can handle. I have a very personal family incident going on and it had taken a different twist that I truly did not expect last week. It was emotional because I couldn’t fix it and I cried for the sweet soul that was going through something I hope they never have to go through again. I hurt for my Brayden that was trying to make sense of what was happening and why it was happening. He is tender-hearted and believes that good people don’t have these things happen, but we all know that good people have bad things happen, and only through prayer will God see us all through to the other side.
Music, reading, blogging, emailing Brayden at Camp Deer Run, cross-stitching, fishing and card making along with walking and riding bikes. This is what I call a vacation, relaxation, and be ready for the rest of the year. I have enjoyed quiet, uninterrupted conversations with my honey. They always go back to memories or what life used to be like. Talking about our funny boys antics, life in the military, past jobs and distant friends and family. It is always sad when I lose contact with a friend but especially family. I have family that I love dearly who disrespected my honey and I don’t want to be part of their lives. Faced with a cancer scare they sarcastically joked about something and refused to apologize. I love them but I don’t like them and I would have never done that to another person, so that is not the negative that we need in our lives. Pushing the drama out of my life from family was a resolution for this year. They can have their drama but I don’t want any part of it and you know what? I am happier, because I am not hearing the negative talk about other family. Why must we always look at the down side of people instead of lifting one another up with encouragement?
This is one thing that I have slacked off on, visiting those that need companions, writing those that need encouragement, helping those that would not ask for help because they are too much like me and just being an encouragement to others instead of a burden. I pray this week puts my priorities in order and I am able to resume the things that have been lacking for a year, since I had my ACL surgery. No excuses, just neglectful!
I hope you had an amazing Wednesday and encouraged someone today with your smile.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Vacation day 1 and all is well.
Today is the first day of our vacation and so far things are going good, wonderful, and almost perfect. I wanted to make salmon patties for dinner and we struck out there. First when I opened the brand new box of saltines that I bought at Wal-Mart, it had flying bugs in the stack of crackers. Didn’t think we needed that much extra protein so I trashed the whole box. Also, we could not find a lighter to light the stove. After trying other options we gave up and had some shaved smoked turkey for dinner. More was planned but that was all we could do tonight, but it is all good because so many wonderful other things have happened.
When we were driving up here almost to the park, it started raining! What is this stuff leaking from the sky? It started slowly and then pick up heavier. It was so wonderful to have rain, I love the smell of fresh rain, and it hope that little cloud went back to my house in Greenville. We even started putting the camper in the rain. JB said I should go sit under the pavilion so I stay dry. STAY DRY?! No way, it is raining and I am on vacation, I am going to let the rain fall on me because it felt so wonderful!
We wanted to see nature this week and get back to the basics of life, love, and living. While the camera was still in the truck and while we were setting the camper up, 2 young deer, a doe and a buck crossed through the campsite next to ours. They stopped and looked at us for a few minutes, I think they were saying, “Who invited you to my woods?” We are the strangers around here. Now, no comments from the peanut gallery, we know we are strange enough. They scampered into the woods before we could get the camera.
After the camper was set up, we went to check out the other areas of the park. We found a great fishing pier, swim beach (not sure I am gutsy enough to put my suit on in public) and the other camp areas. While we were driving back to our camp site we saw 2 young deer lying by the side of the road and naturally our loud truck scared them off. We turned trying to follow the area they were running into and the mama deer and her baby stopped in the perfect opening and just stared at us until we got the perfect picture. The baby was so tiny and the mom was quite small also, but it was a neat sight. I look forward to seeing more of God’s creatures throughout the week.
I look forward to the remainder of this week and all the surprises it will hold.
When we were driving up here almost to the park, it started raining! What is this stuff leaking from the sky? It started slowly and then pick up heavier. It was so wonderful to have rain, I love the smell of fresh rain, and it hope that little cloud went back to my house in Greenville. We even started putting the camper in the rain. JB said I should go sit under the pavilion so I stay dry. STAY DRY?! No way, it is raining and I am on vacation, I am going to let the rain fall on me because it felt so wonderful!
We wanted to see nature this week and get back to the basics of life, love, and living. While the camera was still in the truck and while we were setting the camper up, 2 young deer, a doe and a buck crossed through the campsite next to ours. They stopped and looked at us for a few minutes, I think they were saying, “Who invited you to my woods?” We are the strangers around here. Now, no comments from the peanut gallery, we know we are strange enough. They scampered into the woods before we could get the camera.
After the camper was set up, we went to check out the other areas of the park. We found a great fishing pier, swim beach (not sure I am gutsy enough to put my suit on in public) and the other camp areas. While we were driving back to our camp site we saw 2 young deer lying by the side of the road and naturally our loud truck scared them off. We turned trying to follow the area they were running into and the mama deer and her baby stopped in the perfect opening and just stared at us until we got the perfect picture. The baby was so tiny and the mom was quite small also, but it was a neat sight. I look forward to seeing more of God’s creatures throughout the week.
I look forward to the remainder of this week and all the surprises it will hold.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Questioning others...
One thing I dislike about depression, is you think things that are just not so. I am trying to look at things in a different manner, and I like the reactions and outcomes much better. I found myself in a situation that I was very confused about but I stopped and thought. The other person was one that I trust completely and have the utmost respect for and rather than thinking, "I can't believe that you did that and why?" I thought, I am going to speak to them and give them the benefit of the doubt, because of my level of respect for them. I put it (mostly) out of my head until we could meet, and I was right, that person was the person that I believed them to be.
Do you ever go on something without giving another a chance? I believe that it is not always as it seems. I place my guard up because betrayal hurts, it hurts so deep that sometimes you can't breathe. I hope that I never make another feel this way. I know firsthand how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone I love and trust. But you know what? I am still here and I am stronger now, my skin is a little bit thicker and I am so grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me. There is always an upside to the downside in life, you just have to be willing to look for it. You just have to open your eyes!
I appreciate people, I love people but I expect people to treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect. I work very hard every day to remember this when I deal with people, all kinds of people I deal with. I also try to remember that everyone was not raised like me and everyone is not like me, but everyone can be respectful to each other.
I am old school, I believe in respecting everyone and that doesn't mean you have to like them. I believe in the commandmants in the bible that say how God wants things done. Our society was much more moral and righteous when people believed in disciplining their children and that included spankings. The 'be kind and be your children's best friend, never spank and let them be what they want to be". I agree on a very little bit of that. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother and it is my responsibility to raise them in the Lord and teach them the Lord's way. I am proud of my boys who run to a door to open it for a lady that is by herself or for an elderly that needs help. For helping someone out to their car with their groceries, a perfect stranger. For getting a call from someone they are staying with and the person going on and on about my boy's manners and gratitude. I am proud of what my boys are becoming. I love them more than the air I breathe! I believe in consequences, for my boys and for myself.
I think the world would be a better place if we returned our country of "One nation under God" and we treated each other like we wish to be treated. Kindness and tenderness goes a long way.
Do you ever go on something without giving another a chance? I believe that it is not always as it seems. I place my guard up because betrayal hurts, it hurts so deep that sometimes you can't breathe. I hope that I never make another feel this way. I know firsthand how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone I love and trust. But you know what? I am still here and I am stronger now, my skin is a little bit thicker and I am so grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me. There is always an upside to the downside in life, you just have to be willing to look for it. You just have to open your eyes!
I appreciate people, I love people but I expect people to treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect. I work very hard every day to remember this when I deal with people, all kinds of people I deal with. I also try to remember that everyone was not raised like me and everyone is not like me, but everyone can be respectful to each other.
I am old school, I believe in respecting everyone and that doesn't mean you have to like them. I believe in the commandmants in the bible that say how God wants things done. Our society was much more moral and righteous when people believed in disciplining their children and that included spankings. The 'be kind and be your children's best friend, never spank and let them be what they want to be". I agree on a very little bit of that. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother and it is my responsibility to raise them in the Lord and teach them the Lord's way. I am proud of my boys who run to a door to open it for a lady that is by herself or for an elderly that needs help. For helping someone out to their car with their groceries, a perfect stranger. For getting a call from someone they are staying with and the person going on and on about my boy's manners and gratitude. I am proud of what my boys are becoming. I love them more than the air I breathe! I believe in consequences, for my boys and for myself.
I think the world would be a better place if we returned our country of "One nation under God" and we treated each other like we wish to be treated. Kindness and tenderness goes a long way.
Friday, June 24, 2011
What an amazing week this was!
This is one of my favorite weeks of the year, right up there with Christmas, Vacation Bible School at Johnson Street Church of Christ is just amazing. The decorations are phenomenal and well done. Angel does a spectacular job of arranging, ordering and preparing for the decorations to be up and to be great! And they are. This year they were out of this world! Michelle took over the VBS director position and she did wonderful. Everything ran smoothly and the kinks were worked out quickly and easily. We have so many wonderful people teaching, helping, doing puppets, working prize booths, tech crew, security, driving the bus and serving snacks.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
12 – ways to improve your life
In red is my thoughts.
12 – ways to improve your life
* Concentrate on making others like and enjoy themselves, they’ll enjoy you more. I love being an encouragement to those I love and care about.
* Give others the benefit of the doubt, and doubt often – emphasize the benefit. Does this mean don't make assumptions unless you have all the facts? I like that one. I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
* Forget your ability to think faster than another person talks … everybody has it, but only the foolish use it. When you’re thinking ahead, you can’t hear what being said. Listening is the best attribute of a great friend. I hope I listen enough to you.
* Listen at least twice as much as you talk … others will hear twice as much as you say. Listening is the man of the game.
* Laugh with others often … only fools never laugh, or laugh at others. How about laughing at myself, I do some really stupid things! HAHA! Laughing is one of my favorite things.
* Use plain talk ... say what you mean, precisely what you mean, and only what you mean. And pray that they understand it as you said it. I get angry at me when others are hurt because of my words, even if I didn't mean it like they took it.
* Ask for more advice than you give … the wise seek counsel, the foolish only give it. Don't we all have those trusted people that we seek advice from, those that we have the utmost respect for? I love those people!
* Criticize sparingly, and then only constructively … one compliment is always worth a dozen critical remarks. I am a wussy when it comes to criticizing another. I don't feel like I have that right. I would much rather compliment and lift people up!
* Be approachable … few people talk often to a dragon or a stone wall or a ghost. Awww...I love dragons!
* Seek to know others … you’ll be amazed at how it will help you understand yourself. I love learning about others. People are so interesting and have wonderful stories especially the elderly!
* Greet every person you meet cheerfully and enthusiastically … nobody can fake cheerfulness and enthusiasm very long. I am working daily on this one. I have a great role model of this!
* Leave every person feeling better for having talked to you … they’ll be happy to see you next time. I hope people do feel better whn they leave me and if they don't I am sorry, I will try harder next time because I love you!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Only sinners welcome here
Sometimes I see something and it triggers something in me. This statement on a church t-shirt "Only sinners welcome here." Is that the truth? Why do we sometimes act like one person who has a greater amount of past sins is beneath us? Why do we continue to talk about that sin and why can't we let it go?
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Out of the darkness into the light
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What is your biggest battle in your life?
What do you feel like the devil brings to you daily? My hardest fight and biggest battle is depression. I am not ashamed to say it, I have a chemical imbalance, as does my mother, aunts, grandmother (had manic episodes) and sperm-donor who was also manic (or bipolar as they call it now). I don't like the ups and downs and I don't like feeling sad all the time. I struggle with burdening anyone to talk because quite frankly, anyone who has not struggled themselves with depression, do not have a clue. You get told things like, "you need to just snap out of it" or "you need to count your blessings". I am VERY aware of my blessings; I have a husband that I love more than the air I breathe, 2 wonderful sons that have never given me a moments grief, a percous daughter in law that loves my son completely. I have a supportive and loving family and extended family, and incredible church family that I don't think I could be without, a job that I love the work and the people, co-workers that are supportive and caring, a roof over my head, a car to drive me to work, one sweet laid back golden retriever and psycho mut boston terrier that keeps us laughing. What in the world do I have to be depressed about?
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My honey and me
It is Tuesday night and we are finally home from the hospital. Today was very frustrating at the hospital, and I really had to bite my tongue. JB was doing everything he needed to do. Walking every two hours, doing his respiratory breathing, and drinking, drinking, drinking. I asked the nurse for towels so he could shower and she had to see if that was OK. Doctor said yes and it took forever to get towels and washrags, and then even more time to unhook the IV. Finally he was able to shower, and I helped him and washed his hair and he was almost falling asleep. He said he could get used to that. HAHA!. Sure honey! Whatever you wish...
I ran down to the cafe to grab something to eat before 2PM because that is when they close for the day, and the guy running it was just too much of a cut up. There were 3 workers there getting lunches and he was talking about his party last weekend and picking up food and throwing it back (trying to be cute). I was not amused. I like having fun but there is a time and a place and that was not it. I had only had some breakfast that day and was getting a headache but there are not many options. There is a Dunston's Steakhouse and Whataburger around that hospital and I didn't want to leave JB. So I asked my mom in law to grab me a filet at Dunston's. That is a really good steakhouse, and I want to take JB back when he can have steak in a couple months. Now I will always have someone to split a steak with! LOL!
So a funny story! When JB and I first started 'goin out' ,I wasn't 16 yet and couldn't date. Our high schools were rivals, Mesquite vs. North Mesquite and it was game night between our schools. I was in the Mighty Maroon Band and I played the flute and I was on the Flag Corps during marching season. JB was in the Stallion Batallion which was the mascot squad. He had he uniform and I had mine. We went to our prospective sides during the game and he actually came over to our side to see me at half time. My friends were all so funny. I hated my band uniform, as it was very gay looking, you know the polyester suits and ugly but shiney shoes with a big bucket hat and feather at the top! Imagine that! I could not wait to change clothes to go out with my youth group after the game.
When the game ended we went to the church (Mesquite Church of Christ) as we always had activity after the games and this night we were going to Putt-Putt that is now no longer there. When we got to the church I grabbed my hanging bag to go change clothes and my brother grabbed the wrong bag and I had to wear my band nerd uniform to Putt-Putt or go home. I went pouting! When we got there I played a few games and remember this was before cell phones (in the dark ages), and JB showed up at Putt-Putt, so we played a few games and talked and walked. At one point, I can ever remember what parking spot it was, althought the lot was full of cars, he grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. Totally unexpected and WOW, that was my first kiss and it was one of those lighning rod kisses. Man, I liked kissing, I should have started that years ago! My sweet youth minister, Mickey, teased us that night about that kiss. He said he looked over and thought JB was gonna eat my head. I was VERY embarrised, my youth minister was watching, ugh! We weren't doing anything wrong but HE was watching.
Although it has been 23 years since we married and 27 years since that first kiss, his kisses still make me feel the way I did that night. Not the 'peck' kisses but the kisses, and I love that feeling! I love to kiss him and I still love to be surprised! That kiss that swept you off your feet. That feeling that made you think the butterflies in your stomach may just explode and escape. I love him so much, and I am so excited about this journey that we are on. The one I started December 27th and the one he started June 6th. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Our backet list keeps growing and the things we want to do keeps growing.
Sometimes people comment about us, "taking the easy way out". From my point of view, this is not the easy way but this is the path I had to take. My PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sysdrome) would not let me lose weight. I was a mess and my body was decling, my health was declining. I had to listen to the experts and I had to take a step I never wanted to take, but a step that I will never regret taking because it has the capacity to change my life. It has changed my life. JB was advised that for him to prevent adult onset diabetes he should have the surgery. His onchologist also told him that gastric bypass would greatly reduce his chance of this domant cancer awaking and attacking his organs. I want him by my side as long as I can. I want him by my side and the benefits greatly outweighed the risks. This surgery is life long monitoring. Making sure I have enough protein, vitamins and water.
JB's potassium dropped dangerously low tonight and he had to take potassium by mouth which is really nasty. IV potassium was an option also but he selected the oral. And eventually got it down.
I just want to say that sometimes you have great friends, and sometimes you have good friends but best friends are defined differently. A best friend is the one who stands by your side when the rest of the world walks out. Last week I felt like the rest of my world walked out, and my best friend Donna stepped up. She is a great sounding board and even tells me when I am stupid. I have known Donna longer than my honey. (and I don't know if she has ever completely forgiven JB for marrying me and taking me off to Alaska) I met Donna when her family placed membership at Mesquite Church of Christ and a lifelong friendship began. Yes, we have had our share of disagreements but we still loved each other (and she was wrong) just kidding Donna! She was at the hospital today and yesterday to be there for me and I appreciated that so much. I am not used to having people come out when I am not needing to be alone. Family yes, but not friends. And I want her to know that I will be there for her and for Mollie with this health crisis and forever. I love you my BFF!
I ran down to the cafe to grab something to eat before 2PM because that is when they close for the day, and the guy running it was just too much of a cut up. There were 3 workers there getting lunches and he was talking about his party last weekend and picking up food and throwing it back (trying to be cute). I was not amused. I like having fun but there is a time and a place and that was not it. I had only had some breakfast that day and was getting a headache but there are not many options. There is a Dunston's Steakhouse and Whataburger around that hospital and I didn't want to leave JB. So I asked my mom in law to grab me a filet at Dunston's. That is a really good steakhouse, and I want to take JB back when he can have steak in a couple months. Now I will always have someone to split a steak with! LOL!
So a funny story! When JB and I first started 'goin out' ,I wasn't 16 yet and couldn't date. Our high schools were rivals, Mesquite vs. North Mesquite and it was game night between our schools. I was in the Mighty Maroon Band and I played the flute and I was on the Flag Corps during marching season. JB was in the Stallion Batallion which was the mascot squad. He had he uniform and I had mine. We went to our prospective sides during the game and he actually came over to our side to see me at half time. My friends were all so funny. I hated my band uniform, as it was very gay looking, you know the polyester suits and ugly but shiney shoes with a big bucket hat and feather at the top! Imagine that! I could not wait to change clothes to go out with my youth group after the game.
When the game ended we went to the church (Mesquite Church of Christ) as we always had activity after the games and this night we were going to Putt-Putt that is now no longer there. When we got to the church I grabbed my hanging bag to go change clothes and my brother grabbed the wrong bag and I had to wear my band nerd uniform to Putt-Putt or go home. I went pouting! When we got there I played a few games and remember this was before cell phones (in the dark ages), and JB showed up at Putt-Putt, so we played a few games and talked and walked. At one point, I can ever remember what parking spot it was, althought the lot was full of cars, he grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. Totally unexpected and WOW, that was my first kiss and it was one of those lighning rod kisses. Man, I liked kissing, I should have started that years ago! My sweet youth minister, Mickey, teased us that night about that kiss. He said he looked over and thought JB was gonna eat my head. I was VERY embarrised, my youth minister was watching, ugh! We weren't doing anything wrong but HE was watching.
Although it has been 23 years since we married and 27 years since that first kiss, his kisses still make me feel the way I did that night. Not the 'peck' kisses but the kisses, and I love that feeling! I love to kiss him and I still love to be surprised! That kiss that swept you off your feet. That feeling that made you think the butterflies in your stomach may just explode and escape. I love him so much, and I am so excited about this journey that we are on. The one I started December 27th and the one he started June 6th. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Our backet list keeps growing and the things we want to do keeps growing.
Sometimes people comment about us, "taking the easy way out". From my point of view, this is not the easy way but this is the path I had to take. My PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sysdrome) would not let me lose weight. I was a mess and my body was decling, my health was declining. I had to listen to the experts and I had to take a step I never wanted to take, but a step that I will never regret taking because it has the capacity to change my life. It has changed my life. JB was advised that for him to prevent adult onset diabetes he should have the surgery. His onchologist also told him that gastric bypass would greatly reduce his chance of this domant cancer awaking and attacking his organs. I want him by my side as long as I can. I want him by my side and the benefits greatly outweighed the risks. This surgery is life long monitoring. Making sure I have enough protein, vitamins and water.
JB's potassium dropped dangerously low tonight and he had to take potassium by mouth which is really nasty. IV potassium was an option also but he selected the oral. And eventually got it down.
I just want to say that sometimes you have great friends, and sometimes you have good friends but best friends are defined differently. A best friend is the one who stands by your side when the rest of the world walks out. Last week I felt like the rest of my world walked out, and my best friend Donna stepped up. She is a great sounding board and even tells me when I am stupid. I have known Donna longer than my honey. (and I don't know if she has ever completely forgiven JB for marrying me and taking me off to Alaska) I met Donna when her family placed membership at Mesquite Church of Christ and a lifelong friendship began. Yes, we have had our share of disagreements but we still loved each other (and she was wrong) just kidding Donna! She was at the hospital today and yesterday to be there for me and I appreciated that so much. I am not used to having people come out when I am not needing to be alone. Family yes, but not friends. And I want her to know that I will be there for her and for Mollie with this health crisis and forever. I love you my BFF!
Monday, June 6, 2011
My honey and me
Well, today is June 6th, 2011 and today starts a whole new life for my husband. Today he had the gastric sleeve/bypass procedure. Exactly 161 days or 5 months and 10 days from the day I had my gastric sleeve/bypass surgery. There were a few varations between the two surgerys. He was scheduled to be here at 9:30AM with surgery scheduled at 1:40PM. He actually went back to the operating room at 2:30PM but surgery did not begin until 3:30PM. He got out of surgery at 6PM and was in his room at 7:30PM.
When he returned to his room, I did not expect the emotional overload of seeing him safe and doing well. It felt as thought I was holding my breath all day and was finally able to inhale but it came in the form of tears. I didn't make a fool of myself until now, sitting in his room with him resting next to me and I am so grateful to God for guiding the hands of the surgeons and all the prayers and well wishes of our family and friends. It means so much to me that people love my husband.
He is a good man, and has such a deep and tender heart. We talked a lot last night about the surgery, like after the surgery, exercise, pain and our boys. I didn't slumber last night for a good many things on my mind and in my heart so exhaustion is near. Sleep will not likely come easy tonight since he will need to wake and walk every two hours. There are so many things that we want to do together and with our children. My husband spent 10 years in the United States Air Force and got out when our youngest son was born, almost 15 years ago. He has regretted it and missed it every since. He loved the Air Force and has decided to go back in and finish the time to retirement. I think he will most likely do the reserves but only time will tell.
I do know that I am so glad he did well through the surgery and had a momentary panic attack when the surgery started andhour later. I don't think I could breathe without him. He is everything to me. Since I was a silly 15 year old working at McDonalds (illegally of course), and spied a really cute boy with a beautiful smile and his eyes lit up with every smile. That Big Mac maker touched my heart and eventually grabbed hold of it for good. We had a crazy romance for 4 years, breaking up and getting back together. Eventually after going in the Air Force he asked me to marry him, as did another that I was seeing. I knew who my heart belonged to, who stole my first kiss, and made the butterflies in my stomach fly unending so to my heart, there was no question. I told my mom I was going to marry JimBob and she said, "you aren't even dating him", well, no, not at the time, because he was in Alaska and I was in Texas and we set a date for July 9th, 1988. As time drew near, our impatience grew worse and we moved the wedding date up to March 19, 1988. We went from a large wedding at the Mesquite CoC to a small home wedding, from a wedding dress with a long train and veil to a tea-length wedding dress and from a spectacular honeymoon to one night at the Embassy Suites and then to fly to our new home in Alaska just 4 short days after our wedding.
That flight was my first time ever on an airplane at 19, and it was a 12 hours flight. I cried all the way to Seatlle, as this was the longest I would ever be from my family and friends. I granted and luckily, my new husband granted me that time. Once in Seatlle, I sucked it up and began the exclusive life of being Mrs. Jim Holley. We decide to be wait 5 years, we were young still and thought that would be a good time to start a family. Easier said than done. I most likely got pregnant on our wedding night, only to lose the pregnancy because I was taking birth control pills. That was a hard lesson and I never took another birth control pill. Losing that pregnancy changed us and brought us closer and on December 29, 1989 we were blessed with Zachary. Life has had it's ups and downs and sometimes I thought I would strangle him, but I love him with every inch of my being. Being blessed with 2 healthy beautiful boys is what matters. Losing 3 pregnacies in the course of our marriage was hard, as I always wanted a large family, but God had other plans. Our boys are almost 7 years apart and not expecting to carry Brayden and being told I couldn't have him, makes him that much more precious and we were all greatly blessed when God added him to our family.
I cannot wait to be an active healthy family again. We (I) have let too many things get in the way of me, my health, my heart, my relationships and my relationship with Christ. I strive daily to be what he wants me to be, and fail often. I hurt people, offend people and sometimes just want to crawl into a cave to keep from making others doubt me. There are so many people that I truly love and only want what is best for them and theirs. I ask forgiveness often of those I care for and most of the time it is granted. But I can't change what I have no control of and I can't make people care or love me, and that is OK because I was told to 'love one another' and I am only in control of me.
I have tremendous blessings of my family and my friends and I was so blessed to have my moms and my BFF here today, thanks moms and Donna for your support and thanks to those that called to check on JB; Mark, Randy, Angel, Kristin, Mrs. Gene and for T-bone stopping by to check on his bro. JB is very blessed with family and friends like you!
When he returned to his room, I did not expect the emotional overload of seeing him safe and doing well. It felt as thought I was holding my breath all day and was finally able to inhale but it came in the form of tears. I didn't make a fool of myself until now, sitting in his room with him resting next to me and I am so grateful to God for guiding the hands of the surgeons and all the prayers and well wishes of our family and friends. It means so much to me that people love my husband.
He is a good man, and has such a deep and tender heart. We talked a lot last night about the surgery, like after the surgery, exercise, pain and our boys. I didn't slumber last night for a good many things on my mind and in my heart so exhaustion is near. Sleep will not likely come easy tonight since he will need to wake and walk every two hours. There are so many things that we want to do together and with our children. My husband spent 10 years in the United States Air Force and got out when our youngest son was born, almost 15 years ago. He has regretted it and missed it every since. He loved the Air Force and has decided to go back in and finish the time to retirement. I think he will most likely do the reserves but only time will tell.
I do know that I am so glad he did well through the surgery and had a momentary panic attack when the surgery started andhour later. I don't think I could breathe without him. He is everything to me. Since I was a silly 15 year old working at McDonalds (illegally of course), and spied a really cute boy with a beautiful smile and his eyes lit up with every smile. That Big Mac maker touched my heart and eventually grabbed hold of it for good. We had a crazy romance for 4 years, breaking up and getting back together. Eventually after going in the Air Force he asked me to marry him, as did another that I was seeing. I knew who my heart belonged to, who stole my first kiss, and made the butterflies in my stomach fly unending so to my heart, there was no question. I told my mom I was going to marry JimBob and she said, "you aren't even dating him", well, no, not at the time, because he was in Alaska and I was in Texas and we set a date for July 9th, 1988. As time drew near, our impatience grew worse and we moved the wedding date up to March 19, 1988. We went from a large wedding at the Mesquite CoC to a small home wedding, from a wedding dress with a long train and veil to a tea-length wedding dress and from a spectacular honeymoon to one night at the Embassy Suites and then to fly to our new home in Alaska just 4 short days after our wedding.
That flight was my first time ever on an airplane at 19, and it was a 12 hours flight. I cried all the way to Seatlle, as this was the longest I would ever be from my family and friends. I granted and luckily, my new husband granted me that time. Once in Seatlle, I sucked it up and began the exclusive life of being Mrs. Jim Holley. We decide to be wait 5 years, we were young still and thought that would be a good time to start a family. Easier said than done. I most likely got pregnant on our wedding night, only to lose the pregnancy because I was taking birth control pills. That was a hard lesson and I never took another birth control pill. Losing that pregnancy changed us and brought us closer and on December 29, 1989 we were blessed with Zachary. Life has had it's ups and downs and sometimes I thought I would strangle him, but I love him with every inch of my being. Being blessed with 2 healthy beautiful boys is what matters. Losing 3 pregnacies in the course of our marriage was hard, as I always wanted a large family, but God had other plans. Our boys are almost 7 years apart and not expecting to carry Brayden and being told I couldn't have him, makes him that much more precious and we were all greatly blessed when God added him to our family.
I cannot wait to be an active healthy family again. We (I) have let too many things get in the way of me, my health, my heart, my relationships and my relationship with Christ. I strive daily to be what he wants me to be, and fail often. I hurt people, offend people and sometimes just want to crawl into a cave to keep from making others doubt me. There are so many people that I truly love and only want what is best for them and theirs. I ask forgiveness often of those I care for and most of the time it is granted. But I can't change what I have no control of and I can't make people care or love me, and that is OK because I was told to 'love one another' and I am only in control of me.
I have tremendous blessings of my family and my friends and I was so blessed to have my moms and my BFF here today, thanks moms and Donna for your support and thanks to those that called to check on JB; Mark, Randy, Angel, Kristin, Mrs. Gene and for T-bone stopping by to check on his bro. JB is very blessed with family and friends like you!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Different perpective on life.
There are times that I get disapponted. It is usually in the way that someone responds to me, either directly or indirectly. I have come to realize that being diappointed is all about perspective. If someone does something I don't like or a situation happened that I was not happy with I would get disppointed and I felt I had the right to be disappointed, but at what cost to who? No one can make me disappointed without my permission right? Well, I will continue to be disappointed but I am not going to let that happen as often. Communication is the key; open my mouth and speak up. I cannot change what I don't understand, and I need to understand the situation and know that the other person in question understands and is aware. I need to look at; is it the situation or the person that I am disppointed with and why?
I have been trying to look at things with a new perspective and putting a positive spin on the situation and what has happened (or what I think has happened). I hope that this will decrease my disappointement and help me to stop taking things personally. (AKA "getting a thicker skin").
I choose to try to have more control of my actions and emotions; my disappointment, my anger, my tears, and my heart.
I have always seen things like I was told to see things, but I have a mind of my own and beliefs all my own too. I am a very conservative Christian and I tend to err on the side of caution than to push the envelope (or cross the line). Avoiding confrontation though keeps me from standing up for what I believe in. There are some issues that I do speak up for; I don't believe there is any reason at all for abortion. I don't believe there is ever a reason that rape is justified, and I really dislike when false prophets are speaking error and getting too much attention. I believe marriage is NOT disposable and children need to be raised by both birth parents when possible. I also believe that marriage is for one man, and one woman and that skacking up or having sex before marriage is wrong, because God said it and it is so.
These are not areas that I will ever change my perspective on, and surely there are more, but daily my perspective needs to have all the facts before the mind starts to assess the situation.
I love when days are happy and busy. I love spending time with my husband and son, and truly love spending time with family and friends.
Now as the school year draws to a close, my 'baby' will enter the 9th grade in the fall. Where has the time gone and how can I get a new perspective on that? Whew!
I have been trying to look at things with a new perspective and putting a positive spin on the situation and what has happened (or what I think has happened). I hope that this will decrease my disappointement and help me to stop taking things personally. (AKA "getting a thicker skin").
I choose to try to have more control of my actions and emotions; my disappointment, my anger, my tears, and my heart.
I have always seen things like I was told to see things, but I have a mind of my own and beliefs all my own too. I am a very conservative Christian and I tend to err on the side of caution than to push the envelope (or cross the line). Avoiding confrontation though keeps me from standing up for what I believe in. There are some issues that I do speak up for; I don't believe there is any reason at all for abortion. I don't believe there is ever a reason that rape is justified, and I really dislike when false prophets are speaking error and getting too much attention. I believe marriage is NOT disposable and children need to be raised by both birth parents when possible. I also believe that marriage is for one man, and one woman and that skacking up or having sex before marriage is wrong, because God said it and it is so.
These are not areas that I will ever change my perspective on, and surely there are more, but daily my perspective needs to have all the facts before the mind starts to assess the situation.
I love when days are happy and busy. I love spending time with my husband and son, and truly love spending time with family and friends.
Now as the school year draws to a close, my 'baby' will enter the 9th grade in the fall. Where has the time gone and how can I get a new perspective on that? Whew!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
How does your sin affect another?
This has been a topic of conversation recently in bible class and home. We have young ladies that have been an important part of our lives. They always will be important to us and we will always be here for them, but they are making the choice to live in sin. Knowing the truth of what Christ says, because they were taught that while they were with us. I love these girls and pray they come back to the Lord. The sin of fornication and living with a person to whom they are not married, is not something I can condone. I have talked to my girls and often I hear that I am being judgemental. But wait a minute, it is not MY law but the One who created me and the One who created them. I am NOT judging their behavior but I am loving them enough to remind them what God wants from their lives. It is ironic that when one is confronted about their ungodly behavior, one of two things happen; 1) they get defensive and start trying to turn scripture around to make the person that loves them enough to show them the error of their ways, look like they are doing something wrong. 2) They lay the blame on another. Such is the case in many instances of adultery; where the guilty party blames the innocent spouse by saying, "they weren't attending to MY needs; I wasn't getting the attention from them that I needed; or they weren't giving it to me at home so I went elsewhere for it." This last one was heard from a family member and was followed by a "are you seriously blaming your spouse for your affair?" Both are spoken in an attempt to clear their conscious of the guilt of their actions.
I don't understand the pull of people to gravitate towards adultery. I do understand the sexual feelings that people have, but I don't understand the drive to follow through with the actions. It takes a lot of planning and a lot of thought to actually commit to the action. In both of these sins, there is only one thing people are thinking about...THEMSELVES. It is all about them at that moment with those feelings, and they don't think of the line of distruction that will follow. God designed one man for one woman, till death do them part. Those feelings were there when they were dating their spouse, if they would remember those feelings and re-live that time, they would put the other person out of their mind. "The other person" will usually do whatever they can to get THEIR way, but it is never God's way. Problems arise in marriage, my marriage has had it's share, but I LOVE my husband and could not ever imagine putting him through the heartache of knowing that I gave what has only belonged to him, to another. I could not stand the pain my heart will feel if he ever did that to me.
I guess people sometimes look for the "easy way out", or what they see as that. No relationship is ever easy; they all take a lot of work on both parties sides and no marriage is ever past the point of no return. My husband moved out once when we were younger. He moved out for a whole 3 hours and neither of us could stand it and we resolved the issue then and there. Every relationship is about give and take. Through every year of marriage you learn a little more of what pleases your spouse, and you strive to do just that. The longer you are married, the more you know how to please your spouse in every aspect of your marriage. You hear a lot of time in an adulterous situation, "they just weren't making me happy anymore" or "I don't love them anymore". Seriously, lust and love are not anywhere close on the scales. Lust is time limited, but love, when nurtured and cared for only has one choice to bloom and grow.
The one thing I find amusing in the instance where an adulterous affair breaks up one, possibly two families that God has joined together, and the adulterous couple weds. How does one ever trust the other? How can you look at them with love and trust that they will not do EXACTLY what they did when the adulterous affair took place? How do you know they won't "fall out of love with you?" or get bored and start looking for greener pastures. There is NO such thing as greener pastures. If you want greener pastures, start tending your own pasture, with fertilizer and care. Start loving your spouse like God wants you to, and remember the feelings of when you were dating. Those feelings when you couldn't wait to see them, hug and to kiss them. Those feelings of being frustrated from saving yourself for your wedding night. All those feelings are still there, but have been pushed aside by life, work, children and responsibility. Put your priorities in order. Find God and strengthen your relationship with Him. Remember and rekindle those feelings you had with your spouse "back in the day". It can and will be that good again, but usually so much BETTER.
A committed relationship through marriage is comfortable and reassuring, knowing that in the end, you will still be hand in hand with the one who stole your heart at 15, who gave you your first kiss and who is the father of your precious boys. In the end, God won't want to hear your excuses of why you broke His marriage union with another and why you gave a gift that your spouse should have had to others before your spouse. In the end, it WILL be His law that judges, not mine and in the end, I hope you remember that I tried to direct you to another path away from sin.
I love people and I don't like to see people hurt or cry. Children are the most impacted in the breakup of a marriage. This is one area that I can personally speak of. I don't like that the man that gave me life, chose to step out of ours, because he chose other women instead of focusing on what he could do to make his family better. Two babies wondering why their daddy didn't love them enough to stay. And he didn't, because he stayed away for way too long, past the point of return. I grew up without a daddy and the relationships I see that I treasure are healthy relationships between a godly father and his daughter. I have seen many good fathers and am envious of their daughters, but glad that their fathers didn't chose the same fate for their lives that mine did. My life was good and I probably would not be the person I am today, had he stayed, but I am very blessed.
Make the most of what you have. Make your marriage the best it ever was, every day. Love like tomorrow is not guaranteed and remember that keeping and improving the marriage you have is so much better than any lustful relationship you could enter into tomorrow. Pray for strength when the devil knocks at your door and for His sake, don't open it!
I don't understand the pull of people to gravitate towards adultery. I do understand the sexual feelings that people have, but I don't understand the drive to follow through with the actions. It takes a lot of planning and a lot of thought to actually commit to the action. In both of these sins, there is only one thing people are thinking about...THEMSELVES. It is all about them at that moment with those feelings, and they don't think of the line of distruction that will follow. God designed one man for one woman, till death do them part. Those feelings were there when they were dating their spouse, if they would remember those feelings and re-live that time, they would put the other person out of their mind. "The other person" will usually do whatever they can to get THEIR way, but it is never God's way. Problems arise in marriage, my marriage has had it's share, but I LOVE my husband and could not ever imagine putting him through the heartache of knowing that I gave what has only belonged to him, to another. I could not stand the pain my heart will feel if he ever did that to me.
I guess people sometimes look for the "easy way out", or what they see as that. No relationship is ever easy; they all take a lot of work on both parties sides and no marriage is ever past the point of no return. My husband moved out once when we were younger. He moved out for a whole 3 hours and neither of us could stand it and we resolved the issue then and there. Every relationship is about give and take. Through every year of marriage you learn a little more of what pleases your spouse, and you strive to do just that. The longer you are married, the more you know how to please your spouse in every aspect of your marriage. You hear a lot of time in an adulterous situation, "they just weren't making me happy anymore" or "I don't love them anymore". Seriously, lust and love are not anywhere close on the scales. Lust is time limited, but love, when nurtured and cared for only has one choice to bloom and grow.
The one thing I find amusing in the instance where an adulterous affair breaks up one, possibly two families that God has joined together, and the adulterous couple weds. How does one ever trust the other? How can you look at them with love and trust that they will not do EXACTLY what they did when the adulterous affair took place? How do you know they won't "fall out of love with you?" or get bored and start looking for greener pastures. There is NO such thing as greener pastures. If you want greener pastures, start tending your own pasture, with fertilizer and care. Start loving your spouse like God wants you to, and remember the feelings of when you were dating. Those feelings when you couldn't wait to see them, hug and to kiss them. Those feelings of being frustrated from saving yourself for your wedding night. All those feelings are still there, but have been pushed aside by life, work, children and responsibility. Put your priorities in order. Find God and strengthen your relationship with Him. Remember and rekindle those feelings you had with your spouse "back in the day". It can and will be that good again, but usually so much BETTER.
A committed relationship through marriage is comfortable and reassuring, knowing that in the end, you will still be hand in hand with the one who stole your heart at 15, who gave you your first kiss and who is the father of your precious boys. In the end, God won't want to hear your excuses of why you broke His marriage union with another and why you gave a gift that your spouse should have had to others before your spouse. In the end, it WILL be His law that judges, not mine and in the end, I hope you remember that I tried to direct you to another path away from sin.
I love people and I don't like to see people hurt or cry. Children are the most impacted in the breakup of a marriage. This is one area that I can personally speak of. I don't like that the man that gave me life, chose to step out of ours, because he chose other women instead of focusing on what he could do to make his family better. Two babies wondering why their daddy didn't love them enough to stay. And he didn't, because he stayed away for way too long, past the point of return. I grew up without a daddy and the relationships I see that I treasure are healthy relationships between a godly father and his daughter. I have seen many good fathers and am envious of their daughters, but glad that their fathers didn't chose the same fate for their lives that mine did. My life was good and I probably would not be the person I am today, had he stayed, but I am very blessed.
Make the most of what you have. Make your marriage the best it ever was, every day. Love like tomorrow is not guaranteed and remember that keeping and improving the marriage you have is so much better than any lustful relationship you could enter into tomorrow. Pray for strength when the devil knocks at your door and for His sake, don't open it!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Back to the land of the living and the blogging....
It has been a while since I blogged. I just haven't been into it and truly had nothing to say. I also have been fully reprimanded (Thanks Janet) and will try to do a better job.
After 3 weeks with my PICC line in, it was removed. The doctor thought I could hold my own and we need to see what the degree of malabsorption I am going to have. There are options and I am fighting to keep my protein levels up. I feel like I eat ALL day! I keep protein all around me; protein bars, nuts, beef jerky, peanut butter, and protein powder. I have found an amazing protein powder that is good but it is also a tad bit pricey. But trying to choke something down that I hate is also a waste of money, so spending the money on something I like is worth the cost. So, should I sign up to distribute? That is the question. I have so much to think about.
This weekend was Ladies Retreat 2011 and what an amazing weekend it was. I often wonder why we only do this once a year, because it such a wonderful weekend. I backed out twice because my week was very burdened and emotional, but I needed to be there because the subject was "Carrying each other's burdens." WOW, this is something I needed. I listened and believe that we all at Johnson Street are there for each other and we do carry each other's burdens. Our biggest problem is that most of us don't ask because we don't want to burden others with our burdens. I am the worlds worst, because I have a very hard time turning over my burden to another, even Christ. But I am depriving my sisters and brothers of the priveledge of helping me to carry my burdens. I want to carry theirs and all of mine. But I can't and I realize that.
I got to room with one of my best friends. I truly enjoyed the time that we spent together and the time we had talking. We both stay so busy with the going ons of our children and we miss out on girl time. I hope to fix that soon too because we need girl time to talk and laugh. Although we love our husbands and kiddos we still need our girl time. I had every intention of having talks with two people, one was an acquaintance that feels I have wronged her, and one was a friend that made a mistake and hurt me. She immediately asked for forgiveness and it was immediately granted but it still doesn't make it hurt any less. I needed some time to process and gain my composure and then she and I planned to talk. It was a good talk although it was very hard to come by, and interruptions were many, and excused, but confidentiality was at the foremost of both of our minds. I feel so much better talking to her. I needed her to understand and her confiding in another mutual friend of ours who confirmed that my feelings were the same that she would feel and was right on target helped her to understand. We all have different things that trigger our emotions and knowing what those are helps us to be better friends. You expect things from some and never expect it from others. I NEVER saw that coming so it hurt equally hard. Too often I allow people to hurt me and I carry that burden but I couldn't this time because our relationship is very important to me, I love my friend, I trust my friend and I need my friend. Friendships are hard to come by, true relationships, and I am not willing to throw any away for 1 mistake. To my friend, thank you for talking and thank you for understanding, I love you!
I remember growing up, we always had people over for Sunday lunch and we used to do that all the time and I loved it. I admit, I got very discouraged when I was turned down repeatedly, but there are those that would love to come over and I was just asking the wrong people. I want to start doing this again and getting to know my church family better, one at a time. They are amazing, they are strong, they are weak, they love, they give, they share, and we are all sinners and we are all in need of forgiveness. We all disappoint each other, and we all forgive and we all love. That is how God wants it and that is who we strive to please.
I weigh in tomorrow, after missing last weekend. So as of 2 weeks ago, I had lost 65 pounds. I am curious as to the numbers now but I don't obsess about it. I can't and I won't.
I look forward to worship every Sunday. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I love hearing Randy and Brandon preach, they keep my attention and they make me think. If you imagine that they are preaching directly at you, you get so much more out of the lesson. That can be good and that can be bad. It can make you question eeverything you are about and it can make you doubt yourself, but it can also reinforce that God loves me and God loves you and He knows we are gonna mess up and He will fogive us if we ask. I always need to check and double check myself. I always need to make sure that I am serving my Christian family and helping to carry their burdens.
Until next post...
After 3 weeks with my PICC line in, it was removed. The doctor thought I could hold my own and we need to see what the degree of malabsorption I am going to have. There are options and I am fighting to keep my protein levels up. I feel like I eat ALL day! I keep protein all around me; protein bars, nuts, beef jerky, peanut butter, and protein powder. I have found an amazing protein powder that is good but it is also a tad bit pricey. But trying to choke something down that I hate is also a waste of money, so spending the money on something I like is worth the cost. So, should I sign up to distribute? That is the question. I have so much to think about.
This weekend was Ladies Retreat 2011 and what an amazing weekend it was. I often wonder why we only do this once a year, because it such a wonderful weekend. I backed out twice because my week was very burdened and emotional, but I needed to be there because the subject was "Carrying each other's burdens." WOW, this is something I needed. I listened and believe that we all at Johnson Street are there for each other and we do carry each other's burdens. Our biggest problem is that most of us don't ask because we don't want to burden others with our burdens. I am the worlds worst, because I have a very hard time turning over my burden to another, even Christ. But I am depriving my sisters and brothers of the priveledge of helping me to carry my burdens. I want to carry theirs and all of mine. But I can't and I realize that.
I got to room with one of my best friends. I truly enjoyed the time that we spent together and the time we had talking. We both stay so busy with the going ons of our children and we miss out on girl time. I hope to fix that soon too because we need girl time to talk and laugh. Although we love our husbands and kiddos we still need our girl time. I had every intention of having talks with two people, one was an acquaintance that feels I have wronged her, and one was a friend that made a mistake and hurt me. She immediately asked for forgiveness and it was immediately granted but it still doesn't make it hurt any less. I needed some time to process and gain my composure and then she and I planned to talk. It was a good talk although it was very hard to come by, and interruptions were many, and excused, but confidentiality was at the foremost of both of our minds. I feel so much better talking to her. I needed her to understand and her confiding in another mutual friend of ours who confirmed that my feelings were the same that she would feel and was right on target helped her to understand. We all have different things that trigger our emotions and knowing what those are helps us to be better friends. You expect things from some and never expect it from others. I NEVER saw that coming so it hurt equally hard. Too often I allow people to hurt me and I carry that burden but I couldn't this time because our relationship is very important to me, I love my friend, I trust my friend and I need my friend. Friendships are hard to come by, true relationships, and I am not willing to throw any away for 1 mistake. To my friend, thank you for talking and thank you for understanding, I love you!
I remember growing up, we always had people over for Sunday lunch and we used to do that all the time and I loved it. I admit, I got very discouraged when I was turned down repeatedly, but there are those that would love to come over and I was just asking the wrong people. I want to start doing this again and getting to know my church family better, one at a time. They are amazing, they are strong, they are weak, they love, they give, they share, and we are all sinners and we are all in need of forgiveness. We all disappoint each other, and we all forgive and we all love. That is how God wants it and that is who we strive to please.
I weigh in tomorrow, after missing last weekend. So as of 2 weeks ago, I had lost 65 pounds. I am curious as to the numbers now but I don't obsess about it. I can't and I won't.
I look forward to worship every Sunday. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I love hearing Randy and Brandon preach, they keep my attention and they make me think. If you imagine that they are preaching directly at you, you get so much more out of the lesson. That can be good and that can be bad. It can make you question eeverything you are about and it can make you doubt yourself, but it can also reinforce that God loves me and God loves you and He knows we are gonna mess up and He will fogive us if we ask. I always need to check and double check myself. I always need to make sure that I am serving my Christian family and helping to carry their burdens.
Until next post...
Monday, March 21, 2011
My undesirable weekend...
Albeit for me to know what to do.After talking with my doctor after he reviewed my labs, he has order for me to have a PICC line put in and TPN to be administered through the pick line. He told me it was 12 hours a day, I would stay hooked up. Said my potassium and protein were low. I went in Thursday morning and had the PICC line inserted. No big deal, not painful but not comfortable either.On Friday I started the TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) Well, when I read about it, I cried. I have been feeling like I am eating all the time and now this. My complications have been very rare times 3. Very rare that the esophagus gets so raw like mine did. Very rare that someone has major mal-absorption problems and very rare that they need to use TPN. I even have my own home health nurse named, Penny, but doesn't that make me feel worse. Penny was surprised that I was not in bed with my lab readings. Exhausted am I? Yes, but to the point of laying around idle? NO! Penny is having a whole new realm of her job. I am her first ever working patient, not by my doctor's or Penny's approval. They think I need rest and I agree but not that kind of rest. I would be so depressed being stuck at home and in bed or in the hospital. I can do this...I think and hope.
Many things are not as we talked about. Like, this is not for 12 hours but 24 hours and I have to infuse the TPN with 2 syringes of vitamins before hooking it up. I also found out today that I have antibiotics in my bag, and I don't know why I have antibiotics. Penny came to work, her first time, and changed my bandage and cleaned it. My PICC line bled the first day and it was all under the clear bandage and pretty nasty. She also has to draw blood on Mondays and Thursday to see how my levels are coming along. I am doing what is best for me. Doctor T said he could "fix" me in a few weeks instead of a few months this way. I trust Dr. T, so I am abiding with his expertise. I just dislike feeling like this, attached to lines and carrying around a bag of my 'groceries'. I wanted to avoid the questions, I have heard comments like "she must have cancer" or "what's wrong with her?" Well, there is a lot wrong with me...but nothing is 'wrong', I am trying to fix all this and praying I don't have a major absorption problem forever.
MY fear is having to reverse the surgery. My fear is founded although because my maternal grandmother was one of the first gastric bypass patients ever and had to have it reversed. We are talking back in 1969-1970. She developed rheumatoid arthritis from the mal-absorption and was in a lot of pain. A doctor at Baylor reversed the surgery and she fully recovered but once again battled her weight for years. She lost a ton of weight doing the Medifast weight loss program in 1988-1989, and was very thin. Cancer eventually took her life in 2001. She would have been my biggest supporter for this surgery.
I am trying to not interrupt my life, my families life and others by my lack of energy and strength. I am praying I will see an increase soon in strength and endurance. I am praying for the successful turn of events I gambled on with this surgery. Frustration, yes....but nothing I cannot handle, just sometimes I need a good cry and had one this morning.
Many things are not as we talked about. Like, this is not for 12 hours but 24 hours and I have to infuse the TPN with 2 syringes of vitamins before hooking it up. I also found out today that I have antibiotics in my bag, and I don't know why I have antibiotics. Penny came to work, her first time, and changed my bandage and cleaned it. My PICC line bled the first day and it was all under the clear bandage and pretty nasty. She also has to draw blood on Mondays and Thursday to see how my levels are coming along. I am doing what is best for me. Doctor T said he could "fix" me in a few weeks instead of a few months this way. I trust Dr. T, so I am abiding with his expertise. I just dislike feeling like this, attached to lines and carrying around a bag of my 'groceries'. I wanted to avoid the questions, I have heard comments like "she must have cancer" or "what's wrong with her?" Well, there is a lot wrong with me...but nothing is 'wrong', I am trying to fix all this and praying I don't have a major absorption problem forever.
MY fear is having to reverse the surgery. My fear is founded although because my maternal grandmother was one of the first gastric bypass patients ever and had to have it reversed. We are talking back in 1969-1970. She developed rheumatoid arthritis from the mal-absorption and was in a lot of pain. A doctor at Baylor reversed the surgery and she fully recovered but once again battled her weight for years. She lost a ton of weight doing the Medifast weight loss program in 1988-1989, and was very thin. Cancer eventually took her life in 2001. She would have been my biggest supporter for this surgery.
I am trying to not interrupt my life, my families life and others by my lack of energy and strength. I am praying I will see an increase soon in strength and endurance. I am praying for the successful turn of events I gambled on with this surgery. Frustration, yes....but nothing I cannot handle, just sometimes I need a good cry and had one this morning.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Our Weekend and Memorial
What an incredible, emotional, fun and satisfying weekend. When we headed towards Houston, it was all talk about what to do, where to spend time & money, where to eat.
Something nice about a car trip is the talking. You can talk without preoccupations from the evil television. I don’t care for a lot of TV but my guys do. For some reason when the TV is on, it is the only volume that my honey can hear. Feminine voices are completely muted! We have a sweet friend at church that saw that we were booking hotel rooms during my lunch one day and offered us his reward points to stay at the hotel we had already selected. We appreciate him SO VERY MUCH! Our trip budget went down so far! My honey goes in to check us in and when we went up the elevator, he was standing in front of the elevator buttons and I didn’t pay any attention to him or them. When the elevator opened, we were on the 14th floor A.K.A the Pent House floor. I quickly told him we were on the wrong floor and he must have forgotten to press our floor button and he said ‘no, this is right”. By now I am waiting for the security to swarm in and kick us out of the hotel because riff raff like us doesn’t belong on the pent house floor! I very cautiously stepped out of the elevator and followed him to our room 1421. Immediately, he goes to our balcony and swings the doors open and goes out, “come on out,” he says knowing full well that I don’t like heights. I stuck my head out but the view was absolutely breathtaking. We had a full view of the lake, Clear Lake, the docks, tennis courts and at the other end, we had NASA in view. Having the door open and hearing the water and the seagulls and laughter from the pool, I could LIVE like that! I only stepped out when he was not in the room because I really do look retarded!
Naturally we decided that seafood would be the majority of our dinner choices since we were going to the coast. Fish agrees very well with me and goes down quite well, but I don’t like a ‘fishy fish’, I like a mild flaky white fish with tarter sauce, of course. My honey prefers cocktail sauce for all his seafood, so he gets all the red and I get all the white. We ate at Casey Guidos on Saturday night and met with some family. Two aunts/uncles and a cousin and their families. We had both sides of JB’s family there, and it was a really nice evening. They capped it off with some Ben & Jerry’s. I believe that I may be having some lactose intolerance from my surgery so I avoid milk products at certain times. I have totally been avoiding milk all together and searching for an alternative. There is nothing worse than a romantic evening spoiled by complications from lactose intolerances.
After we had dinner we pondered what to do and many places came to mind, so while driving around I saw at tattoo parlor called “Painful Pleasures” and told my honey to ‘put his money where his mouth was’. He has been talking about getting an Air Force logo tattoo on his back right calf for 2 years, and what is the only way to shush a man when they want something? Get it! Well, he did and it is really nice but here is the story…..
He goes into the shop and speaks to Brandy. She specializes in blending tattoos and re-dos/cover-ups. (You know the people that fall in love one night and tat a name on their bodies and break up the next week?) Her blending techniques were quite impressive and she was an outstanding artist! She was about to go to lunch, and so we shopped other places for the 45 minutes she was gone. When we finished and returned, she drew up the tat for approval. I had planned to get my dragonfly touched up since it has faded so much. I was also thinking about getting a long stem rose on my foot with my boys name in my writing as the stem. The long stem rose was about my grandmother; when she was so sick with cancer, she asked me, ‘if I beat this cancer again, I want you to take me to get a rose tattoo on my ankle’. She had always wanted one and never did because ‘what would people think?’ I got neither that night because of the time it took Brandy to get things prepared. It is nice to have a perfectionist tattoo artist though since it will permanently be on your body. She had to redraw once because she didn’t like the placement the first time. Once she started, it was funny (to only me, Brandy, Joanna & Zach who were communicating by text) because as soon as that needle hit his skin, his eyes got so big and he took a deep breath, clenched his fists and his adrenaline kicked in. He did not like it at all. I guess my definition of the ‘pain’ wasn’t, as he would describe it. It was annoying to me, like a child poking your arm over and over and over; “mom, mom, mom, mom?” The next time I looked at my honey he had sweat beading on his forehead, and he DID NOT like me smiling/chuckling at him. He was angry; at me, at her, just at the pain. And understand that his tat was 4 inches wide and 5 inches tall and was to be completely colored in with black, blue and white! Once Brandy finished the outline, JB told her SHE needed a break and to go smoke a cigarette! HAHA! WHO needs the break? It was finished shortly after she returned from her break. After it was completed and pictures were taken, Brandy told him that next time she would use the numbing gel, and IF LOOKS COULD HAVE KILLED, poor Brandy would be history. He says, “we could have used numbing gel, and YOU didn’t?” She said you have to experience your first, as she and I quietly chuckled! He says this was his first and last, numbing gel or no numbing gel! The inside of the calf at the top was the most tender for him. By that time, it was 2 in the morning and we were both exhausted. I have enjoyed teasing him though; he (as most fun men) is an easy target. Wonder if that is why God made the women birth the children, could you imagine? We would all only have one child if men had to have the babies and if he had talked to another man that had already birthed one, you would remain childless! Women seem to play down their pain, because it is life and we have WAY too much to do, while men, accentuate their pain for the ‘big fish’ stories and the sympathy.
The reason we headed to Houston this weekend was because my sweet youth minister, Mickey, from my time at Mesquite Church of Christ had lost his wife and I needed to be there for him. Only 3 from my youth group were there. He meant so much to me in so many ways and was an incredible influence over many of my choices, as was his sweet wife, Liz. I didn’t realize the ranges of emotions that I would feel to see him again. Overjoyed and saddened at the event that brought us back together. I didn’t expect his reaction. My honey went to introduce himself to Mickey although they had met some 27 years ago, and Mickey never let me live it down. Mickey witnessed the first kiss between JB and I (and my first kiss ever) and teased me all the time. He asked me that night if JB was trying to eat my head?? Mickey was so fun and so funny! We used to sing, “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind… to him all the time and he would do a silly dance of some sort. He was crazy and very predictable. Easy to talk to and easy to be around. You never questioned Mickey’s moods or his feelings toward you. He had the BEST big bear hugs and knew that everyone needed them and they were always available. I have so missed that in this current world of questioning appropriateness of hugs. Mickey never questioned and I never have. Hugs are a simple expression of love for another. Simple love, not sexual love. Liz was so amazing as well. Every devotional was at their church owned home, and every Tuesday we had “Hour of Power” which was our weekly bible study/devotional time. It never was an hour and we loved hanging in the kitchen while talking to Liz. They had 1 small child, Shane at the time and he was a ring-tailed tooter. We often waited for Liz to put Shane to bed so we could have her undivided attention and visit. She was always the gracious host. The church had built an addition onto the back of the youth minister home and that was where everything happened. We always had a ‘home’ for devos and activities. We always went in around the back to allow the front entrance to be used as their personal entrance. But Mickey was always at the door to the youth room with a big “HELLO” and a hug if you desired. I have so many wonderful memories and I relied a lot on Mickey and his advice for many of my decisions and choices. I looked up to him. Without having a father in my life, I needed someone who was living like I wanted to live. Mickey was no way old enough to be my father-figure as he was only 15 years my senior, but I absorbed his words and advice and followed them as best I could. Up until a few years ago, I never met anyone that I looked up to like Mickey. I do have another I look up to now and his guidance has been instrumental in so much of my healing. He will never know how much I appreciate him.
The memorial service was beautiful and I only wish I could be half of the wife, mother, friend, and servant that Liz was. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. She had gone from an independent servant, to a walker bound servant, to finally a wheelchair bound servant. Her MS never slowed her and she never complained about her disease or the pain. She found me about 2 years ago on Facebook and we have had so many wonderful conversations about everything. Mickey says he cannot do Facebook, but I still encouraged him to get on there and play, to keep up with all of us, if he wants to. Mickey and I have already agreed to try to link up in July to see each other again. Liz went on disability and went off disability because she couldn’t stand not working and went back on later. She had a degree in home economics but worked in accounting/payroll most of her life.
With all that said, our weekend was fun, needed and will remind me often of how blessed I am. From the people that have been in my life and the people that are in my life.
Something nice about a car trip is the talking. You can talk without preoccupations from the evil television. I don’t care for a lot of TV but my guys do. For some reason when the TV is on, it is the only volume that my honey can hear. Feminine voices are completely muted! We have a sweet friend at church that saw that we were booking hotel rooms during my lunch one day and offered us his reward points to stay at the hotel we had already selected. We appreciate him SO VERY MUCH! Our trip budget went down so far! My honey goes in to check us in and when we went up the elevator, he was standing in front of the elevator buttons and I didn’t pay any attention to him or them. When the elevator opened, we were on the 14th floor A.K.A the Pent House floor. I quickly told him we were on the wrong floor and he must have forgotten to press our floor button and he said ‘no, this is right”. By now I am waiting for the security to swarm in and kick us out of the hotel because riff raff like us doesn’t belong on the pent house floor! I very cautiously stepped out of the elevator and followed him to our room 1421. Immediately, he goes to our balcony and swings the doors open and goes out, “come on out,” he says knowing full well that I don’t like heights. I stuck my head out but the view was absolutely breathtaking. We had a full view of the lake, Clear Lake, the docks, tennis courts and at the other end, we had NASA in view. Having the door open and hearing the water and the seagulls and laughter from the pool, I could LIVE like that! I only stepped out when he was not in the room because I really do look retarded!
Naturally we decided that seafood would be the majority of our dinner choices since we were going to the coast. Fish agrees very well with me and goes down quite well, but I don’t like a ‘fishy fish’, I like a mild flaky white fish with tarter sauce, of course. My honey prefers cocktail sauce for all his seafood, so he gets all the red and I get all the white. We ate at Casey Guidos on Saturday night and met with some family. Two aunts/uncles and a cousin and their families. We had both sides of JB’s family there, and it was a really nice evening. They capped it off with some Ben & Jerry’s. I believe that I may be having some lactose intolerance from my surgery so I avoid milk products at certain times. I have totally been avoiding milk all together and searching for an alternative. There is nothing worse than a romantic evening spoiled by complications from lactose intolerances.
After we had dinner we pondered what to do and many places came to mind, so while driving around I saw at tattoo parlor called “Painful Pleasures” and told my honey to ‘put his money where his mouth was’. He has been talking about getting an Air Force logo tattoo on his back right calf for 2 years, and what is the only way to shush a man when they want something? Get it! Well, he did and it is really nice but here is the story…..
He goes into the shop and speaks to Brandy. She specializes in blending tattoos and re-dos/cover-ups. (You know the people that fall in love one night and tat a name on their bodies and break up the next week?) Her blending techniques were quite impressive and she was an outstanding artist! She was about to go to lunch, and so we shopped other places for the 45 minutes she was gone. When we finished and returned, she drew up the tat for approval. I had planned to get my dragonfly touched up since it has faded so much. I was also thinking about getting a long stem rose on my foot with my boys name in my writing as the stem. The long stem rose was about my grandmother; when she was so sick with cancer, she asked me, ‘if I beat this cancer again, I want you to take me to get a rose tattoo on my ankle’. She had always wanted one and never did because ‘what would people think?’ I got neither that night because of the time it took Brandy to get things prepared. It is nice to have a perfectionist tattoo artist though since it will permanently be on your body. She had to redraw once because she didn’t like the placement the first time. Once she started, it was funny (to only me, Brandy, Joanna & Zach who were communicating by text) because as soon as that needle hit his skin, his eyes got so big and he took a deep breath, clenched his fists and his adrenaline kicked in. He did not like it at all. I guess my definition of the ‘pain’ wasn’t, as he would describe it. It was annoying to me, like a child poking your arm over and over and over; “mom, mom, mom, mom?” The next time I looked at my honey he had sweat beading on his forehead, and he DID NOT like me smiling/chuckling at him. He was angry; at me, at her, just at the pain. And understand that his tat was 4 inches wide and 5 inches tall and was to be completely colored in with black, blue and white! Once Brandy finished the outline, JB told her SHE needed a break and to go smoke a cigarette! HAHA! WHO needs the break? It was finished shortly after she returned from her break. After it was completed and pictures were taken, Brandy told him that next time she would use the numbing gel, and IF LOOKS COULD HAVE KILLED, poor Brandy would be history. He says, “we could have used numbing gel, and YOU didn’t?” She said you have to experience your first, as she and I quietly chuckled! He says this was his first and last, numbing gel or no numbing gel! The inside of the calf at the top was the most tender for him. By that time, it was 2 in the morning and we were both exhausted. I have enjoyed teasing him though; he (as most fun men) is an easy target. Wonder if that is why God made the women birth the children, could you imagine? We would all only have one child if men had to have the babies and if he had talked to another man that had already birthed one, you would remain childless! Women seem to play down their pain, because it is life and we have WAY too much to do, while men, accentuate their pain for the ‘big fish’ stories and the sympathy.
The reason we headed to Houston this weekend was because my sweet youth minister, Mickey, from my time at Mesquite Church of Christ had lost his wife and I needed to be there for him. Only 3 from my youth group were there. He meant so much to me in so many ways and was an incredible influence over many of my choices, as was his sweet wife, Liz. I didn’t realize the ranges of emotions that I would feel to see him again. Overjoyed and saddened at the event that brought us back together. I didn’t expect his reaction. My honey went to introduce himself to Mickey although they had met some 27 years ago, and Mickey never let me live it down. Mickey witnessed the first kiss between JB and I (and my first kiss ever) and teased me all the time. He asked me that night if JB was trying to eat my head?? Mickey was so fun and so funny! We used to sing, “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind… to him all the time and he would do a silly dance of some sort. He was crazy and very predictable. Easy to talk to and easy to be around. You never questioned Mickey’s moods or his feelings toward you. He had the BEST big bear hugs and knew that everyone needed them and they were always available. I have so missed that in this current world of questioning appropriateness of hugs. Mickey never questioned and I never have. Hugs are a simple expression of love for another. Simple love, not sexual love. Liz was so amazing as well. Every devotional was at their church owned home, and every Tuesday we had “Hour of Power” which was our weekly bible study/devotional time. It never was an hour and we loved hanging in the kitchen while talking to Liz. They had 1 small child, Shane at the time and he was a ring-tailed tooter. We often waited for Liz to put Shane to bed so we could have her undivided attention and visit. She was always the gracious host. The church had built an addition onto the back of the youth minister home and that was where everything happened. We always had a ‘home’ for devos and activities. We always went in around the back to allow the front entrance to be used as their personal entrance. But Mickey was always at the door to the youth room with a big “HELLO” and a hug if you desired. I have so many wonderful memories and I relied a lot on Mickey and his advice for many of my decisions and choices. I looked up to him. Without having a father in my life, I needed someone who was living like I wanted to live. Mickey was no way old enough to be my father-figure as he was only 15 years my senior, but I absorbed his words and advice and followed them as best I could. Up until a few years ago, I never met anyone that I looked up to like Mickey. I do have another I look up to now and his guidance has been instrumental in so much of my healing. He will never know how much I appreciate him.
The memorial service was beautiful and I only wish I could be half of the wife, mother, friend, and servant that Liz was. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. She had gone from an independent servant, to a walker bound servant, to finally a wheelchair bound servant. Her MS never slowed her and she never complained about her disease or the pain. She found me about 2 years ago on Facebook and we have had so many wonderful conversations about everything. Mickey says he cannot do Facebook, but I still encouraged him to get on there and play, to keep up with all of us, if he wants to. Mickey and I have already agreed to try to link up in July to see each other again. Liz went on disability and went off disability because she couldn’t stand not working and went back on later. She had a degree in home economics but worked in accounting/payroll most of her life.
With all that said, our weekend was fun, needed and will remind me often of how blessed I am. From the people that have been in my life and the people that are in my life.
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