When I think of my childhood, one thing remains to the forefront although it is not the most important part of my childhood. My childhood house is always at the center of my memories. We lived in a house in Michagan when my parents were still together, and when we moved to Texas we lived in, I believe 2 apartments. The one I remember we lived in before the house was a 3 bedroom, roomy, and mom & I shared one room, grams & gramps another and my brother & uncle Kenny in the 3rd. I remember those apartments had an older boy that would always try to corner me, until he finally did. I was very glad to move out of there and into the house. The back yard was huge and the mean boy was not here.
So, from the middle of the 1st grade until I married, my address was 1405 Buena Vista, Mesquite, TX 75149 and my phone number was always 285-1108. That was before the time of having to dial area codes. Yes, it is dating me, but it is my life and dated it will be! I went to Hanby Elementary for Kindergarten and 1/2 of 1st grade. Our street was the dividing line for schools. On Buena Vista you went to Tisinger Elementary and Alta Vista, you went to Hanby Elementary. So, we moved schools.
It was at Tisinger that I met my best friend and the best part was that she lived across the street from me! We were in every class together until 6th grade.Our summers were spent outside and driving into the street today, I can remember us running barefoot in the streets just after the rain and the water running by the curb was our river. We made lots of paper and wooden 'boats' to float and run and follow. We climbed trees and jumped on trampolines and swan A LOT after my grandparents put in our swimming pool. We would gather by the patio door and sit and watch the people putting the pool in and anticipate it getting done. It seemed like it took forever to fill the pool up with the garden hose, but it was finally ready and that is where the majority of my childhood took place.
So heading into Mesquite today, Brayden learned that his new phone could not show youtube videos all the way to Mesquite and sustain the battery.
When we arrived to the house, the only residents that still remain at 1405 Buena Vista were there. And greatly offended that we were disturbing them. Daffy, Daisey and Doofus Duck. My grandfather strongly disliked them taking up house in his shed and residing most of the time in the pool. He would say, "those stupid ducks are pooping in my pool". I tried to convince him to put on of those signs out that said, " OOL, notice there is not P in our pool, let's keep it that way!" He said something about ducks not being able to read, but oh, gramps, they can read you and love to get your feathers ruffled!
It was a very sad day, going into my home but it was not my home anymore. Without the furniture and pictures and especially the people, what made the home so special has passed away with them. It was the ending of a era for me. Closure was in order but I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. Curtains are still on the windows and the only left to be picked up is 2 microwaves. I just didn't think the house would belong to anyone except us. My grandparents bought the house for, I believe $16,OOO. What an investment and gathering place for many years for family. Children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Friends and church family frequented this home. I thought I would share the pictures with anyone interested.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thinking back in time...
I am so excited! My cousin, Marcy is coming to visit this month after 7 years of being in Washington. Our time will be limited, but each minute will be precious. Marcy is my younger cousin, by a whole 4 months. She and I were almost inseparable as kids. We spent as much time as we could, with her living in Richardson and me in Mesquite.As young children we were always dressed alike, like twins and were always asked if we were twins. We loved it. She and I have been talking about childhood memories since our gramps passed away. We would have tea parties at the bottom of the swimming pool and 'try' to have conversations at these tea parties while our butts would float to the top of the water. It was so funny and so fun! Gymnastics were always the name of our game and I could only be better than Marcy when she would be down with two broken legs from trying to do her gymnastics on the railing over a bridge, and her balance was not the greatest that day. We did sit ups on the side of the swimming pool and every different position going down our spiral slide. Diving competitions were always in order as well as flips, jack knives, the occasional back busters! The boys always had to challenge us. But when it was just us, we enjoyed laying out on the trampoline watching the stars and talking, eating honey suckles across the street at the Church of Christ, barbies and puzzles.
One Christmas we set out to complete a candy puzzle. It was like Halloween candy dumped in a pile and was so hard! But we did it, working night and day, sleeping, talking and puzzling. One trip we took to Emerald Isle, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places we went to, we took 'sexy' pictures in our room. Marcy had long, beautiful legs and I had these short, pathetic legs. Very un-sexy! Oh the things we talked about while traveling in her family's Cadillac. We sat facing each other on the floor with our feet towards each other over the hum, because the seats were Armour All'd and we would slide everywhere when the car turned. So we always took up shop in the floor. We drew and wrote our latest crushes names on paper. "Farland's Darlin" and "Jimbo's Bimbo". Yes, I know but what rhythms with Jimbo? I can't even remember who Marcy wrote down, but I didn't date a whole lot and have only a handful of boyfriends.
Sheltered would have been a good word for me. I had boyfriends but they would break up when I wouldn't kiss or do what they wanted. Boys were yucky and they did NOT have good oral hygiene and I was obsessed with oral hygiene and still am. (ask my husband about that obsession!) Raised in a very strict household, I was taught the finer parts of life, according to the teachers. Shorts were not allowed for a long time and were eventually allowed if to the knees. I practiced and had try-outs for majorette (You know band baton twirler) and made it but was not allowed to continue because the costumes were inappropriate. I played the flute and loved band. In high school I was on the flag corp and even played drums my freshman year because they had too many flutes. I played these HUGE, heavy cymbals! It was terrible! Marching with those things was tiring. Being part of the "Mighty Maroon Band' under the direction of the perfectionist band director was fun and hard, but it made us strive to be better than our best and NO ONE wanted him to get angry.
Getting back to Marcy. We did so much together within the youth group at Mesquite Church of Christ. Canoe trip was a blast when we tied our canoe to the canoe of two boys, one of whom Marcy was dating and the other was my youth group crush. I went with our youth group on a ski trip to Breckenridge, CO and a mission trip to LaJolla, California to put on a VBS for the local church. It was so much fun. But the best part of all of that is the friends I had in the Mesquite Youth group, I still have. We are still in contact and I have helped raise some of their children in my day care/preschool in Mesquite. My best friends of my youth are still my best friends of my adult life and some more have been added. Marcy was a big part of my youth group, when she came to stay with us. Life was good.
Life is good. Fast forward to today...There are many things that I am guilty of and poor choices to ask forgiveness for. I love to laugh. I love being happy. I love to joke and I love people. I try so very hard to not ever judge anyone. We are all flawed and we are all imperfect. Some of us have been through things that others have not been through, and some of those things have tempted to destroy. I want more than anything to rewind, about 6 months and make a different choice. How can you have resolution when you can't trust another person with your struggle? Sometimes it feels like there are only road blocks in the progression of my resolution to heal. It totally feels like this was meant to destroy me. I try so hard to cover and hide the pain in my heart and do well most of the time but I don't like the game. I want to have resolution and I want to have closure and I want to stop feeling like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, exposing raw heart and soul.
My choice to trust has come with a very high price. Misplaced trust, misunderstood trust and misguided trust. I have never felt such betrayal and being taken advantage of. Trusting those with my pain, expecting the help I need and being left to finish this nightmare by myself. Scared? Yes, very. I just want resolution. I am done talking about it, the events and the choices, but I want to feel like I can move on and know that God will go with me. I am SO afraid of telling anyone, ever. Judgments, guilt, blame. I am actually stunned at my choice of a trusted friend. I have never trusted men, never had a reason to, other than my husband. My perceptions of men are that they will leave, hurt, make excuses and be untrustworthy. I feel myself wanting to trust men more, because I have met men that deserve my trust. They already have my respect and admiration, and slowly they are gaining my trust. I am learning what the "Father, Christ" can mean to my life in the context that I should know Him. Not as the unforgiving, just waiting till I screw up again, and 'fire and brimstone' God of my youth. I remember going to bed every night and praying, trying so hard to remember EVERY sin I might have committed that day and asking forgiveness for them and worrying that I forgot one and that if I died, I would go to hell for that one sin.
I heard a preacher preach that about 2 years ago and was very upset about it. When I was trying to teach my at-risk girls that God is forgiving, the message that they got that night was "one sin can keep you from heaven". Just the opposite of what I had been studying with them. The study was as much for me as it was for them. We were learning together. There is nothing I love more than studying the bible with someone. I don't know who learns more. I love young people and their uncanny wit.
So what do I want to accomplish? And do I have a plan? I want to bury this guilt, and bury this demon. Can I do it alone? Alone is not an option and seeking out another stranger is not an option either. Have I hit a dead-end? I hope not. I want to be back to the unassuming, carefree, and very good at hiding my pain person again. No one deserves this, but me. There are times that I look back and I think that maybe my life was not meant to be. What then?
I have a plan for a good many things. What is that song, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I know my intentions were the best. I will press on and I will fight and I hope to win before this beats me. Most days my thoughts are in the right place, and I know exactly what to do and where to go but today, I am tired and I am lost. I will pray that tomorrow brings peace again and other happy thoughts come into my heart. I love those that have been here for me and I truly appreciate and pray daily for all of my heart strings.
One Christmas we set out to complete a candy puzzle. It was like Halloween candy dumped in a pile and was so hard! But we did it, working night and day, sleeping, talking and puzzling. One trip we took to Emerald Isle, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places we went to, we took 'sexy' pictures in our room. Marcy had long, beautiful legs and I had these short, pathetic legs. Very un-sexy! Oh the things we talked about while traveling in her family's Cadillac. We sat facing each other on the floor with our feet towards each other over the hum, because the seats were Armour All'd and we would slide everywhere when the car turned. So we always took up shop in the floor. We drew and wrote our latest crushes names on paper. "Farland's Darlin" and "Jimbo's Bimbo". Yes, I know but what rhythms with Jimbo? I can't even remember who Marcy wrote down, but I didn't date a whole lot and have only a handful of boyfriends.
Sheltered would have been a good word for me. I had boyfriends but they would break up when I wouldn't kiss or do what they wanted. Boys were yucky and they did NOT have good oral hygiene and I was obsessed with oral hygiene and still am. (ask my husband about that obsession!) Raised in a very strict household, I was taught the finer parts of life, according to the teachers. Shorts were not allowed for a long time and were eventually allowed if to the knees. I practiced and had try-outs for majorette (You know band baton twirler) and made it but was not allowed to continue because the costumes were inappropriate. I played the flute and loved band. In high school I was on the flag corp and even played drums my freshman year because they had too many flutes. I played these HUGE, heavy cymbals! It was terrible! Marching with those things was tiring. Being part of the "Mighty Maroon Band' under the direction of the perfectionist band director was fun and hard, but it made us strive to be better than our best and NO ONE wanted him to get angry.
Getting back to Marcy. We did so much together within the youth group at Mesquite Church of Christ. Canoe trip was a blast when we tied our canoe to the canoe of two boys, one of whom Marcy was dating and the other was my youth group crush. I went with our youth group on a ski trip to Breckenridge, CO and a mission trip to LaJolla, California to put on a VBS for the local church. It was so much fun. But the best part of all of that is the friends I had in the Mesquite Youth group, I still have. We are still in contact and I have helped raise some of their children in my day care/preschool in Mesquite. My best friends of my youth are still my best friends of my adult life and some more have been added. Marcy was a big part of my youth group, when she came to stay with us. Life was good.
Life is good. Fast forward to today...There are many things that I am guilty of and poor choices to ask forgiveness for. I love to laugh. I love being happy. I love to joke and I love people. I try so very hard to not ever judge anyone. We are all flawed and we are all imperfect. Some of us have been through things that others have not been through, and some of those things have tempted to destroy. I want more than anything to rewind, about 6 months and make a different choice. How can you have resolution when you can't trust another person with your struggle? Sometimes it feels like there are only road blocks in the progression of my resolution to heal. It totally feels like this was meant to destroy me. I try so hard to cover and hide the pain in my heart and do well most of the time but I don't like the game. I want to have resolution and I want to have closure and I want to stop feeling like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, exposing raw heart and soul.
My choice to trust has come with a very high price. Misplaced trust, misunderstood trust and misguided trust. I have never felt such betrayal and being taken advantage of. Trusting those with my pain, expecting the help I need and being left to finish this nightmare by myself. Scared? Yes, very. I just want resolution. I am done talking about it, the events and the choices, but I want to feel like I can move on and know that God will go with me. I am SO afraid of telling anyone, ever. Judgments, guilt, blame. I am actually stunned at my choice of a trusted friend. I have never trusted men, never had a reason to, other than my husband. My perceptions of men are that they will leave, hurt, make excuses and be untrustworthy. I feel myself wanting to trust men more, because I have met men that deserve my trust. They already have my respect and admiration, and slowly they are gaining my trust. I am learning what the "Father, Christ" can mean to my life in the context that I should know Him. Not as the unforgiving, just waiting till I screw up again, and 'fire and brimstone' God of my youth. I remember going to bed every night and praying, trying so hard to remember EVERY sin I might have committed that day and asking forgiveness for them and worrying that I forgot one and that if I died, I would go to hell for that one sin.
I heard a preacher preach that about 2 years ago and was very upset about it. When I was trying to teach my at-risk girls that God is forgiving, the message that they got that night was "one sin can keep you from heaven". Just the opposite of what I had been studying with them. The study was as much for me as it was for them. We were learning together. There is nothing I love more than studying the bible with someone. I don't know who learns more. I love young people and their uncanny wit.
So what do I want to accomplish? And do I have a plan? I want to bury this guilt, and bury this demon. Can I do it alone? Alone is not an option and seeking out another stranger is not an option either. Have I hit a dead-end? I hope not. I want to be back to the unassuming, carefree, and very good at hiding my pain person again. No one deserves this, but me. There are times that I look back and I think that maybe my life was not meant to be. What then?
I have a plan for a good many things. What is that song, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I know my intentions were the best. I will press on and I will fight and I hope to win before this beats me. Most days my thoughts are in the right place, and I know exactly what to do and where to go but today, I am tired and I am lost. I will pray that tomorrow brings peace again and other happy thoughts come into my heart. I love those that have been here for me and I truly appreciate and pray daily for all of my heart strings.
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