One of my resolutions was to find a way to manage my feelings/depression. Thing is, when I get extremely overwhelmed, I have no control over things. I just want to get things done and go to bed. Sleep is where comfort is at a time like this.
By most of your standards, I would be considered broken. On days like today, I feel like there will never be any way to repair me. I have come a long way but I still feel so lonely. Weight loss has changed the way people respond to me, which makes me feel like I did when I was broken and deeply hurt. Rejected, denied, and discounted. Not worth the time. I feel like this is 'my just due'. If I appear to be self assured and confident, I am then being prideful and showy. Who uses the word "showy" anymore, really and who still sends anonymous letters to people judging them? What kind of person does that?
I believe my Christian family is the best blessing that God gave me, but I don't feel like I belong anymore, just the last 6 months when my weight loss has been substantial. I don't want to hear about how great I look, while you stand at arms length, when I am dying inside. While I used to like having a quiet lunch at work and "catching up" with work, I don't like eating alone. My other options are to go out shopping, not, or waste gas driving around. I was asked to go to lunch more often, but that has stopped. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
I find myself wishing to switch places with a sweet child that deserves more than what he is getting. While I who have more does not deserve it. I am frustrated and most of my control has been taken away. We have had our Golden Retriever, Lacey Noel for 10 years, and it seems like we are going to have to make some tough choices. I vowed that I would never let another dog suffer as I did with Kodie trying to 'save' her with meds, tests, trials, vitamins, and treatments. Never again will I do that. We put our deposit down on Lacey when she was 1 week old, and her eyes were not even open. We all had been crushed by losing Kodie and days after her death secured Lacey with a payment. She was opposite Kodie in color, build and facial structure as we wanted so we would not compare the two. Both awesome dogs, amazing protectors of their boys. Severe ear infections that we or the vets cannot clear up, suspected cancer and obvious major hip and shoulders discomfort. Too many things. I have been working to treat her ears, but the smell is terrible and seems to get worse. It is only a matter of time, and we have been requested to try to wait until Zach is here. We will try.
I wonder if doing what I needed to do to save my life may in fact hamper it? I don't understand chemistry; I have always known my body, how it feels and what makes things go. I can't figure anything out anymore and I can't make myself as healthy as I want to be. I want my strength back, my energy back and I want the happy me back. I feel like I have been doing battle for over a year, and I guess I have, since my ACL was replaced. I have never, ever in my life had problems with my ears, and now at age 43, I am having problems. They make me light-headed, nauseous and more often than not, cause me to emit what I have recently nourished myself with. I am too impatient, I want answers now.
I also have another child on my heart and wait for decisions that may be made soon.
My main frustration lately is asking and never getting. I ask for things to be done that I need but it doesn't matter, so I go through doing things the long, hard way because I grow tired of asking. It makes things redundant and taxing. I don't understand why people just ignore others requests, because if it didn't matter, I would NOT ask. People use the term "silent treatment", but it is not. It is just not wasting the breath to ask, because you know they will never follow through.
The way the world is turning makes me sad sometimes, because I am a toucher, a hugger, someone who cares when someone is having a bad day or week. If I sense that something is wrong, I ask, and try to help, but it seems as though people don't have time for people anymore. If they sense you are not your normal. perky self, they avoid you. I believe in the power of touch and hugs, I believe in love. Love of family, love of friends, love of God. I am painted as naive, someone who doesn't understand how the world is. Oh, but I do know and so we just go along with it and accept it? I think not. Isn't this why we have gotten where we are? No one would ever speak up, or continue loving like we were all raised to love and hug and help others.
There are a few other things that are heavy on my heart, but I am not at liberty to discuss them on here. They are way too personal or would cause problems. I am just me, being the best that I can be and keeping my head above water. I am mostly deep in thought when others think I am upset or angry and that is very bothersome, but we all know people will always make assumptions without asking almost every time. That is a pet peeve of mine especially when the ones doing that are the ones you thought you were close to.
