My heart has been heavy today. I miss my Princess. I don't know the significance of this day but I have just truly missed her. She will have her first birthday soon, in about 3 weeks and I know she is just doing wonderful! But my heart misses her. Her nursery is empty, and everything is gone. The carpets are cleaned in that room and the walls are getting freshly painted. As of tomorrow, that room will become Brayden's. He has requested it because it was Zach's and it was the Princess'. I guess I just wish I would have done things different, and I wish the CPS system was not what it is. I was always there for the system, even taking 3 children while working full time and taking care of my family. When they called I was there for them, but it doesn't matter. Circumstances of my life that I had no control over many years ago will take presidence and some caseworkers hold major grudges. My honey said we (he) was done playing the CPS games. There is no way to win. And we closed our home. The hurtful thing was she didn't even care enough to call about our decision, like everything we did didn't matter. That is the CPS thanks you get. Good foster parents just don't want their heart hung out to dry. I could never love enough, be enough and do enough according to CPS. I am angry about a lot of things and how things were handled. I am angry that children that need us will never get the opportunity and I am angry that I will never have a daughter to call my own. But I know God knows best and I know He has a plan for my heart.
I will never close off my heart because of being hurt. I may guard it, but every breath we take is a chance and every love we give is equally a chance. I am saddened when I meet people that have built the walls around their hearts and they can walk the walk but they can't talk the talk. Meaning they can pretend to care about others, but to not really care. Some could win an emmy award for the acting. There will come a day that hurt and betrayal will fit on the back burner and loving will become a better option. Don't know that I will live to see the day, but I pray that is more important.
I don't know how to remind people what it is to love deeply, we are not talking lust or infatuation but to Love One Another. It seems like a dying art of an antique gift. Too many times our job or profession gets in the way of our Christian principals. Why do we allow that? Why can't we stand up and say 'right is right'? Why do Christians hurt other Christians? Why must some try to turn something beautiful and pure into something ugly and wrong. I am learning so much about the makeup of some people. About how some are ready to destroy others at any cost. But is your soul worth the cost of the pain you are causing another? I do get angry,but I get angry at injustices, especially when good people are intentionally hurt and betrayed. I have been on the receiving end of that betrayal and it hurt and could have destroyed me, but I wasn't going to let that person win. I pray I am never at the point that I would compromise my morals and beliefs to sit idly by and let someone be treated wrongly. I pray I have the strength to stand up for what is right. I prayed someone would stand up for me, but no one did. They were too afraid.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day rocks no matter what the nay-sayers say!
I just like Valentine's Day, always have. Loved it as a child and writing to all my classmates, loved it as a teenager, wife and mother, and with my day care kids. We had a party on Valentines day and we had so much fun! My honey has never been one to do too much and that was OK. Mother's Day is the day I expect him to do something, after all, next to being a Christian and wife, being a mother is the most important thing I will ever do!
This year I woke to a dozen beautiful red roses from my honey and a "be mine" teddy bear with a pink rose from my sweet Brayden. Apparently, they shopped after devotional Sunday night and Brayden was disappointed that I was asleep when he got home with his surprise. Normally I am not, but I was freezing and sick to my stomach last night. SO after ridding my stomach of the dinner contents, I took my little trash can and went and climbed under the pile of blankets placed on my bed. I did feel better this morning but still was very cautious, only having water and minimal crackers to hush my tummy up.
Valentine'e Day consisted of work and MNftM (Monday Night for the Master) where we write cards and make visits and have dinner together. It is always wonderful fellowship. My honey had to work as always 3-11pm but at least I was with my Christian family.
Saturday was the day set aside for us. We left out early in the morning for Dallas, since my honey was having an endoscopy. That took much longer than anticipated but the waiting was awesome. I always like to talk to people waiting, since most of them are all there for the same thing...preparation for weight loss surgery. I started talking to a lady who was there with her husband and granddaughters and we continued to talk for the next 2 1/2 hours about everything. Come to find out she was a member of the church at Lamar Avenue in Paris, and she had a grandson that was a resident at Boles Children's Home. How strange is that? In huge Dallas, meeting with one doctor, 2 people meet with so much in common. I really enjoyed the time until she had to go back for her procedure. My honey was ready about the time that she was called back so I went to get him to leave. He did very well with the procedure and wanted to get something to eat.
From the hospital, we went to Long John Silvers. Not my favorite place but one of his and he needs to eat at his favorite places before his surgery. I ate 1/8 piece of fish and a hushpuppy but not before putting it in a napkin and squeezing the grease out gently. Many, many napkins were used. From there we went to WalMart for minor things and then we found a park. We were suppose to meet with JimBob's brother, his wife and daughter and parents for Terry and Railey's birthday later and just wanted some veg time. We found a park and it was beautiful. The weather was beautiful and we just laid out in the park and talked. It was so relaxing and so needed and it was incredible. Very rarely do you get such a beautiful, nice and perfect day to just lay out and talk.
We both have so many things we want to do and so many things to try. Being overweight makes life hard and makes you miss out on the things you wish to do. I grew tired of sitting on the sidelines of life and wanted to be a part of the action. I want to (this is kind of my bucket list)...
This year I woke to a dozen beautiful red roses from my honey and a "be mine" teddy bear with a pink rose from my sweet Brayden. Apparently, they shopped after devotional Sunday night and Brayden was disappointed that I was asleep when he got home with his surprise. Normally I am not, but I was freezing and sick to my stomach last night. SO after ridding my stomach of the dinner contents, I took my little trash can and went and climbed under the pile of blankets placed on my bed. I did feel better this morning but still was very cautious, only having water and minimal crackers to hush my tummy up.
Valentine'e Day consisted of work and MNftM (Monday Night for the Master) where we write cards and make visits and have dinner together. It is always wonderful fellowship. My honey had to work as always 3-11pm but at least I was with my Christian family.
Saturday was the day set aside for us. We left out early in the morning for Dallas, since my honey was having an endoscopy. That took much longer than anticipated but the waiting was awesome. I always like to talk to people waiting, since most of them are all there for the same thing...preparation for weight loss surgery. I started talking to a lady who was there with her husband and granddaughters and we continued to talk for the next 2 1/2 hours about everything. Come to find out she was a member of the church at Lamar Avenue in Paris, and she had a grandson that was a resident at Boles Children's Home. How strange is that? In huge Dallas, meeting with one doctor, 2 people meet with so much in common. I really enjoyed the time until she had to go back for her procedure. My honey was ready about the time that she was called back so I went to get him to leave. He did very well with the procedure and wanted to get something to eat.
From the hospital, we went to Long John Silvers. Not my favorite place but one of his and he needs to eat at his favorite places before his surgery. I ate 1/8 piece of fish and a hushpuppy but not before putting it in a napkin and squeezing the grease out gently. Many, many napkins were used. From there we went to WalMart for minor things and then we found a park. We were suppose to meet with JimBob's brother, his wife and daughter and parents for Terry and Railey's birthday later and just wanted some veg time. We found a park and it was beautiful. The weather was beautiful and we just laid out in the park and talked. It was so relaxing and so needed and it was incredible. Very rarely do you get such a beautiful, nice and perfect day to just lay out and talk.
We both have so many things we want to do and so many things to try. Being overweight makes life hard and makes you miss out on the things you wish to do. I grew tired of sitting on the sidelines of life and wanted to be a part of the action. I want to (this is kind of my bucket list)...
- Parasail
- Snow ski with my boys in Utah next December.
- Go horseback ridding more often (that is peaceful freedom)
- Spend a week each year of vacation on missions
- Spend more time with more people that need someone.
- Volunteer at a clinic that speaks to girls about NOT aborting their babies.
- Volunteer at a rape crisis center.
- Be more involved with children, maybe with CASA.
- Strengthen my physical body.
- Strengthen my spiritual body.
- Strengthen my emotional mind.
- Ride my bicycle to work more often (or begin). Not a motorcycle either!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A kiss is still a kiss...but what is a hug?
A previous job I was at made you think that it wrong to hug a child. Too many hugs gave the child a false sense of home. HUH?! Seriously? A HUG! A symbol of affection, admiration and care. There is nothing wrong with a hug. And then we went to 'side hugs', the very impersonal side hug. Have these people never been hugged a huge, strong, and loving bear hug from a friend or loved one? We might be looking at some hug therapy!
There are two types of hugs in MY humble opinion. A hug between a husband and wife, and all other hugs. For myself and with most people, the later hug is never associated with anything sexual. I believe that people that believe this way are very damaged. And let me tell you, I am damaged but not to this point. I don't look at the bad side of things, I look for the good. If that is naive of me, I would chose naivety rather than questioning people's motives and second guessing people's actions. I strongly abhor that other people's perceptions are their reality and they feel they must gossip about things they know nothing about. I am sad for these, very sad, that they have to imagine things happening between good people. I hate that we have to be so overly cautious about everything, so somebody doesn't read it wrong. But we are in the corrupt generation that doesn't believe that anything can be pure and simple.
I will continue down my path and hugs will be an essential part of my being and part of my life. I raised both of my boys and all my day care children with lots of hugs. Hugs for good morning and good night, good behavior, hugs for disappointment and hugs AND rocks for boo boos. I refuse to change ME because of others. I think I have more to offer than second guessing others actions and I just don't have the time to take care of others business.
There are two types of hugs in MY humble opinion. A hug between a husband and wife, and all other hugs. For myself and with most people, the later hug is never associated with anything sexual. I believe that people that believe this way are very damaged. And let me tell you, I am damaged but not to this point. I don't look at the bad side of things, I look for the good. If that is naive of me, I would chose naivety rather than questioning people's motives and second guessing people's actions. I strongly abhor that other people's perceptions are their reality and they feel they must gossip about things they know nothing about. I am sad for these, very sad, that they have to imagine things happening between good people. I hate that we have to be so overly cautious about everything, so somebody doesn't read it wrong. But we are in the corrupt generation that doesn't believe that anything can be pure and simple.
I will continue down my path and hugs will be an essential part of my being and part of my life. I raised both of my boys and all my day care children with lots of hugs. Hugs for good morning and good night, good behavior, hugs for disappointment and hugs AND rocks for boo boos. I refuse to change ME because of others. I think I have more to offer than second guessing others actions and I just don't have the time to take care of others business.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
What snow does...
What does snow do? That is the question. If you live in Texas, it makes everything shut down, schools, work, trash pick up and mail. Nothing runs, and nothing is open. You stay home and do what you need to do. We have had fun with this snow. It was an incredible amount for Texas. Brayden stayed out in it most of the time and the dogs caught snowballs as Brayden threw them up in the air. My honey and I went driving in it and he spun donuts in the empty parking lots. We talked, and talked and talked. We watched movies and we napped! Oh, the joy of an afternoon nap!
Today was Saturday and I decided to make Saturdays my weigh in days. Every Saturday morning. Well, today was a good day for me, because I stepped on the scales and the scales read....35 pounds down from surgery! I am 40 days out from surgery and I have lost 35 pounds.
My honey and I were talking about snow and how beautiful it is. It covers all the dirt and trash with pure white. That is how Jesus' blood is. Salvation/baptism cleans all the dirt and trash (sin) from our lives and covers us with pure white. It is unimaginable that one would give their life for me. But to think of the process, we present ourselves for baptism, confess that Jesus is the son of God and step in the water a sinner, full of guilt and sin and coming up after being immersed we are white as snow. White as snow and beautiful.
Today was Saturday and I decided to make Saturdays my weigh in days. Every Saturday morning. Well, today was a good day for me, because I stepped on the scales and the scales read....35 pounds down from surgery! I am 40 days out from surgery and I have lost 35 pounds.
My honey and I were talking about snow and how beautiful it is. It covers all the dirt and trash with pure white. That is how Jesus' blood is. Salvation/baptism cleans all the dirt and trash (sin) from our lives and covers us with pure white. It is unimaginable that one would give their life for me. But to think of the process, we present ourselves for baptism, confess that Jesus is the son of God and step in the water a sinner, full of guilt and sin and coming up after being immersed we are white as snow. White as snow and beautiful.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snow Day Accomplishments
February 1, 2011 is a snow day as is February 2, 2011. It is really more of an ice day though with a layer of snow on top. I remember being pregnant with Zachary and the weather warmed a bit Thanksgiving to melt some snow and refreeze that night with the new snow falling. JB and I went out for Christmas shopping the day after and I twisted my ankle. It swelled up crazy and JB panicked, probably because my OB said for me to be careful because of Zachary's position and he called 911. I told him to just take me in and we canceled the call. Silly man.
When I got to the ER, it was a day I will NEVER forget. As I sat in the ER waiting, 8 months pregnant, to be called back, I heard the sound I hope I never hear again. A scream and cry. People scrambled and shut doors and windows but we could still hear. The cries and screams were that of a young mother who just found out that her 2 year old little boy had died. Just typing it still gives me chill bumps all over my body. My precious little boy was safe inside me, and I cried with her. It was a totally preventable death, as he was at day care and had found some antifreeze and drank it. There was never any turning back after that. I remember her cries like it was yesterday, and my heart goes out to her even though her son would be 23 years old today.
The icy layer under the snow reminded me of that day. Today has been a wonderfully relaxing day, since my honey's company shut down today and Brayden was home, it is a very rare day that we are all together and not going in different directions. We have baked, we have cooked and we have watched movies. Some of us have not even gotten out of our pajamas. You guess which ones! :-)
It just makes you realize what is important. I love time with my guys! Just relaxing time at home. I remember similar days at home with both of my boys. I never closed my day care for snow days because of parents that had to work, but I always enjoyed with JB was home with us all. Those were the special days and I do miss my boys being home. I know life must go on and children grow up but it still doesn't keep parents from wishing for those younger days back. I miss the little ones! My baby is starting high school in the fall. What happened? I blinked and everyone grew up way too fast!
Have you ever been at a point in your life when you think it doesn't get any better than this? Well, I am here. My marriage is incredible and we have come through some dark places and hard times, but it is better than ever. Zachary is happily married to Jo, serving the US Air Force and living in Utah, playing ice hockey, the one thing he has always dreamed of doing. Brayden is doing great, loving sports and creating his goals and dreams to reach for. I enjoy my job and my co-workers very much. I love my church family and am very close with my family. Life is good. Almost a scary kind of good.
I hope you all have had a wonderful snow day, ice day, or whatever day is was for you! I hope you all know where your soul is and where your priorities are.
When I got to the ER, it was a day I will NEVER forget. As I sat in the ER waiting, 8 months pregnant, to be called back, I heard the sound I hope I never hear again. A scream and cry. People scrambled and shut doors and windows but we could still hear. The cries and screams were that of a young mother who just found out that her 2 year old little boy had died. Just typing it still gives me chill bumps all over my body. My precious little boy was safe inside me, and I cried with her. It was a totally preventable death, as he was at day care and had found some antifreeze and drank it. There was never any turning back after that. I remember her cries like it was yesterday, and my heart goes out to her even though her son would be 23 years old today.
The icy layer under the snow reminded me of that day. Today has been a wonderfully relaxing day, since my honey's company shut down today and Brayden was home, it is a very rare day that we are all together and not going in different directions. We have baked, we have cooked and we have watched movies. Some of us have not even gotten out of our pajamas. You guess which ones! :-)
It just makes you realize what is important. I love time with my guys! Just relaxing time at home. I remember similar days at home with both of my boys. I never closed my day care for snow days because of parents that had to work, but I always enjoyed with JB was home with us all. Those were the special days and I do miss my boys being home. I know life must go on and children grow up but it still doesn't keep parents from wishing for those younger days back. I miss the little ones! My baby is starting high school in the fall. What happened? I blinked and everyone grew up way too fast!
Have you ever been at a point in your life when you think it doesn't get any better than this? Well, I am here. My marriage is incredible and we have come through some dark places and hard times, but it is better than ever. Zachary is happily married to Jo, serving the US Air Force and living in Utah, playing ice hockey, the one thing he has always dreamed of doing. Brayden is doing great, loving sports and creating his goals and dreams to reach for. I enjoy my job and my co-workers very much. I love my church family and am very close with my family. Life is good. Almost a scary kind of good.
I hope you all have had a wonderful snow day, ice day, or whatever day is was for you! I hope you all know where your soul is and where your priorities are.
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