Have you ever just felt like, what is it all for? What does it matter? Why do I try so hard to please everyone else? I have had the stinkin' blues and I don't know where it is coming from. Maybe being overloaded and tired and feeling like I never get a break. I bring it all on myself by trying to take care of everyone except me. Used to have girls night out and have not done that in awhile. Don't talk much to any of my friends, and who would blame them. I don't want to be in my skin and why would they want to be around me? Depression really is a hard thing to deal with. I hate it worse than anything. NO one understands unless they have been here, how it makes you feel and how you make others feel. I have 3 beautiful foster children and 2 beautiful boys and a husband I love more than the air I breathe. Why can't all that love shatter this depression? I have so much love for so many people, my family, my friends, and my church family. They are all so incredible. I am so blesses but MUST work on my past to make my furure bright. How do I do that? I know how to do it, but it is so hard to take that step and trust someone with all my faults and fears, and begin to heal from the inside out. Talking with Randy about things made me realize that there are very deep seated issues that I have never dealt with. I don't even know how to begin to deal with them. I can read every book in the library and still not be any closer to letting go of so much hurt in my heart! I feel like I am getting further and further away from the people I love. I am pushing them away and they are letting me. I don't want to be known as the one people avoid or walk on egg shells. I want to be the one that is there for people and loves all people. How dare I pray to God and ask for his help for anything. I am not worthy of God's help. There are more important things that God needs to tend to and better people to listen to their prayers. I want to know the God of love and compassion instead of the God of my childhood. The fire and brimstone wrath of God. My relationship with God has always felt like a scary relationship. It isn't supposed to be like that but how do I find the kind and forgiving God that has the hope and grace that Randy preaches about?
I think that Zachary getting married has been a huge emotional issue that surfaced. He is still my baby, and I want him to have the most perfect wedding, but I can't grasp that he is all grown up and ready to start a family of his own, (beginning with a wife) and live in another state and not see him very often. I dislike that people think they can dictate what his wedding will be and start making demands of him. I know how hard it was for me to stand up to people, I know how hard it is for me today to do that. I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone, so I keep everything bottled in until someone shakes it hard enough for it to spew. And then the emotions overflow. How do I release all that and deal with it and let the burden down instead of carrying it around all my life. I want a lighter load in every sense of the word. I must start that hard journey and get working on this before I die or before it kills me!
