This last bout with the blues has been really a bad one and sometimes I just think it is time I go, but I don't have time, too much to do. I say all this to say that I have such and amazing husband who drives me crazy sometimes by leaving glasses on the tables, not using a coaster and leaving his clothes where they fall off his body. We won't go into the toilet seat, the toothpaste, the soap, and other little stupid nit-picky things I go through. Through all of this that has drug on too long he has been wonderful. When I get down, I just don't care about the house, the holidays, the cooking (because I have NO appetite), or the socializing. I do just what must be done. Sometimes I think this will never move past. One good day and one bad day!
He has been cooking and doing the things that I cannot do. Laundry will always wait for me unless they totally run out of underwear. The house is lit up for the holidays and the tree is up, although it is not decorated yet, that is my job.He has been a support for me and although no one can take on my burden, he would if he could. I daily wish this burden was buried deep still. I don't want it to hurt anyone or come between myself and others, which I feel it has. My husband is a compassionate, loving and supportive man and I love him for dealing with and putting up with me.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
After Thanksgiving...
The saying goes..."walk a mile in my shoes". I have walked one really hard mile and the blisters are still there. I know that I would NOT wish my pain on anyone. But I do wish people could see ME. I am hidden, for the most part. I become apparent when laundry needs done, diapers need changed, dinner needs cooked and work needs to be done. Other than that, I am an abscond thought in the minds of most. I feel like I make people not want to be around me and I displease when I don't intend. I love people and especially children because they don't try to look beyond the love, and second guess your mental analysis for it. They don't undertake anything more than a kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just a hug. Plain and simple. This world is getting so hands off and so heart off. People are actually capable of acting like they really care about you, and then abolish you from their hearts with no questions and no care. I am not capable of that type of legerdemain. I love and even when hurt, I love still. I CAN'T just 'kick' people out of my heart. I am not obsessed or consumed, I just love and care about people. Loving and caring about a man that is not my husband does not constitute an affair. If this is how life should be, I don't want to be in it. We should all be in a grotto and have all synergy with people totally stopped. I would die! It would KILL me!
I think about the choices I have made within the last 4 years. I made a choice to follow my hearts predilection to work in the ministry. What an awesome job and awesome people, but what is wrong with my choices when it comes to trusting. I trust too easy? Choices I have made in trusting people have been and seem to be once again my downfall of my heart. I trust that when someone says, "I love you," it is heartfelt and true. I hear others telling people they love them, but don't hear it often cast in my direction. When I say it, I mean it, and when I mean it, I say it. Isn't this how God intended? After first following His will, next would be to 'love one another'. I have learned and know that others are more honorable than myself and I am in awe of peoples relationships.
You hear people say that your destiny was already pre-determined. I don't believe that, but feel like, I was not in the plans to be on the world. I hunger to have a closer relationship with God, a different realtionship with God than what I have currently. I cannot seem to get anywhere in my study because I feel so lost and lessons I hear don't pertain to me and then they all pertain to me.
I am STUCK. No one reading this knows what I mean, but take my word for it, I am stuck good. I trusted, and I tried to release a demon, but I still carry it. Calls are never returned, from people I need to return my calls. I feel myself being distanced due to sharing things I ought not to share, and should have kept locked up tight. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!? Trying to pull myself out of this despair, but so very scared for what this has and will cost me! I am so very fearful of my thoughts and those that I love being hurt and disappointed.
I know I cannot do this alone, but reaching out has gotten me nowhere, except recounting the mistakes I have made. I am but a foolish error and have been thankful for the days I have been granted and for the love that I have had for others. The good in my life is my children, that is what I have done right so far, but still have to check my 'mommy manual' and stay on track.
I want people to know me, but I conceal me. I cover me with smiles and jokes and laughs. Keeping children around me lightens my heart, and always makes me smile.Staying busy keeps my mind and heart busy. 'Me, myself, and lies' Who am I and why am I here? I have never asked for anything and don't intend to start now. I am on my own with this burden, as always and will be. I just want a GPS to find the location back to the real me and the relationship with God that I envy that others have. Will I ever get there before I draw my last breath? I can see so much good in store for others but must keep myself hidden for fear of being discovered.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Children are a gift from God.
What is the most incredible feeling you have ever had? That feeling that made you want to laugh and cry. Whether you are male and female, I suspect that your response would be when you gave birth or witnessed the birth of your child/children/grandchildren. When I had Zachary, we were in Alaska and I also had him C-section and it was just myself and JimBob in the delivery/operating room. Within 8 minutes, I was prepped, operated on and in recovery. From 7:30 to 7:38am. I remember when they put him on my chest. He was SO BEAUTIFUL and so perfect and the drugs must have been really good because I thought, "I just gave birth to my brother." The delivery was quick and easy, but the recovery was a booger and I was 20 years old with no family at the time in Alaska. My husband was so wonderful. I was terrified that something would happen to my family flying in to Alaska, since volcano eruptions were occurring in Canada. JimBob cooked this magnificint meal of homemade chicken fried steak, potatoes and broccoli casserole and I could not eat a bite. It was overwhelming to me after the delivery. Zachary's actual due date was January 10th, and late December, the doctors said, "Oops, we estimated wrong by a month". He should have been due around December 10th. With the holidays approaching and doctors not wanting to interrupt their holidays, they opted to do a c-section on December 29th if he stayed in until then. They actually told us that I could deliver naturally but before I could push, they would have to go in and break both of Zach's shoulders. Well, anyone that knows me, should know that was NOT an option. My baby was not going to experience pain like that, and I would do anything to keep that from happening. We opted for c-section. Well, I had too much time to think. Here I am 20 years old, never had a broken bone, never had stitches, never had surgery other than my tonsils out as a toddler, and they were going to cut my baby out of me, but at least he would not go through pain. I didn't sleep a wink that night before the c-section and bless the nurses heart, she sat with me most of the night.
The doctors estimated that Zach was well over 12 pounds for being "in the oven" so long, but they were off a bit. He was only 9 pounds 12 ounces, but still a big beautiful boy. We had been told for 8 months that he was a girl. Military ultasound equipment was really bad, because there was no question at the last ultrasound. We had ALL PINK! Baby showers in Texas and mailed up to us were all girl! We had to quickly get soemthing to bring my baby boy home in. JimBob had a real problem with putting him in pink!? HAHA! I was so happy when we took him home and just felt like he did not really belong to me. I was in awe of God's blessing. How can anyone ever hold a newborn child and NOT believe there is a God. Of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy and don't most of the time. How can anyone ever see or hear a babys heartbeat and go on with an abortion? I don't understand how we have gone so backwards, when we destroy the greatest blessings that God could ever bestow on the human race!
When Zach turned one, we decided to have another child. Months passed and still no pregnancy. So we sought help and began infertility treatment. That can be very humbling and very personal. Five years we went through infertility trying everything short of invitro. I had already had three miscarriages and had decided that IF it ever happened again, we would not share until 1/2 way through, because that was the safe zone. No one needed to hurt except me. Five years of trying was unsuccessful but was a very enjoyable 5 years. We made the decision to discontinue treatments, enjoy our one blessing and get out of the Air Force and return back to Texas. The following month, I missed my cycle, but that was nothing new, so I just kept moving and the next month, same story. I ignored the signs for fear of the pain, but 3 months missing was odd. So instead of having a person tell me "not pregnant", I just bought a little kit at the BX. Ran the test and walked away, for 30 minutes, knowing I would be negative, but it wasn't, it was positive. I was now way past the questionable time frame. We were optimistically excited, but still did not share our news yet. We did finally share with the family and friends and began packing for our move. We planned to have the baby in Charleston, SC and then make the move to Texas. JimBob began checking on things and found out that he would have more than 30 days leave and we could have the baby in Texas with family. SO we packed quicker and made the move, not anticipating the reluctancy of doctors wanting to take a 36 week patient insisting on v-bac. (vaginal birth after c-section) Found and doctor and he really wanted to do the c-section so if anything started going wrong he was taking me to the OR. Well, I wanted V-bac so I waited a bit once my water broke 2 weeks early to go in. Brayden Kenneth (name after my grandfather and maternal uncle) arrived on September 9th at 3:01pm, although my water broke at 12:30am. My husband, my mom and my mother in law were present for the birth of my second son. He was such an amazing baby and I thought he was tiny, after Zach, weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces.
All that said, I think children are the greatest blessing in this life. I love/loved raising my boys and I love spending every single day with my foster children. I don't understand the circumstances that leads these wonderful children to come into my home, but I enjoy every second with them. Foster children that come from abusive and neglectful homes are only wanting to be held and loved and taken care of. Given the right environment, they can catch up to the areas that are lacking due to the abuse and neglect. I consider it such a challenge to teach everything to them that I can. Especially unconditional love and security. I have no control over the outcome of the cases, but strive to love them until they move on in the system. They are such a joy!
The doctors estimated that Zach was well over 12 pounds for being "in the oven" so long, but they were off a bit. He was only 9 pounds 12 ounces, but still a big beautiful boy. We had been told for 8 months that he was a girl. Military ultasound equipment was really bad, because there was no question at the last ultrasound. We had ALL PINK! Baby showers in Texas and mailed up to us were all girl! We had to quickly get soemthing to bring my baby boy home in. JimBob had a real problem with putting him in pink!? HAHA! I was so happy when we took him home and just felt like he did not really belong to me. I was in awe of God's blessing. How can anyone ever hold a newborn child and NOT believe there is a God. Of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy and don't most of the time. How can anyone ever see or hear a babys heartbeat and go on with an abortion? I don't understand how we have gone so backwards, when we destroy the greatest blessings that God could ever bestow on the human race!
When Zach turned one, we decided to have another child. Months passed and still no pregnancy. So we sought help and began infertility treatment. That can be very humbling and very personal. Five years we went through infertility trying everything short of invitro. I had already had three miscarriages and had decided that IF it ever happened again, we would not share until 1/2 way through, because that was the safe zone. No one needed to hurt except me. Five years of trying was unsuccessful but was a very enjoyable 5 years. We made the decision to discontinue treatments, enjoy our one blessing and get out of the Air Force and return back to Texas. The following month, I missed my cycle, but that was nothing new, so I just kept moving and the next month, same story. I ignored the signs for fear of the pain, but 3 months missing was odd. So instead of having a person tell me "not pregnant", I just bought a little kit at the BX. Ran the test and walked away, for 30 minutes, knowing I would be negative, but it wasn't, it was positive. I was now way past the questionable time frame. We were optimistically excited, but still did not share our news yet. We did finally share with the family and friends and began packing for our move. We planned to have the baby in Charleston, SC and then make the move to Texas. JimBob began checking on things and found out that he would have more than 30 days leave and we could have the baby in Texas with family. SO we packed quicker and made the move, not anticipating the reluctancy of doctors wanting to take a 36 week patient insisting on v-bac. (vaginal birth after c-section) Found and doctor and he really wanted to do the c-section so if anything started going wrong he was taking me to the OR. Well, I wanted V-bac so I waited a bit once my water broke 2 weeks early to go in. Brayden Kenneth (name after my grandfather and maternal uncle) arrived on September 9th at 3:01pm, although my water broke at 12:30am. My husband, my mom and my mother in law were present for the birth of my second son. He was such an amazing baby and I thought he was tiny, after Zach, weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces.
All that said, I think children are the greatest blessing in this life. I love/loved raising my boys and I love spending every single day with my foster children. I don't understand the circumstances that leads these wonderful children to come into my home, but I enjoy every second with them. Foster children that come from abusive and neglectful homes are only wanting to be held and loved and taken care of. Given the right environment, they can catch up to the areas that are lacking due to the abuse and neglect. I consider it such a challenge to teach everything to them that I can. Especially unconditional love and security. I have no control over the outcome of the cases, but strive to love them until they move on in the system. They are such a joy!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thanksgiving or giving thanks....
What a wonderful week to gather together with your family and/or friends. Although this is one year that we will NOT be gathering with anyone on the actual Thursday feast.We had Thanksgiving on Saturday so that we could enjoy Zachary's company while he was here. That was perfect for me. Both sets of parents were there, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was not as large as it usually is because people have lives. Zach needed it and we did it just for him. My mother in law (Carolyn) makes the BEST dressing in the world! It is perfect texture, perfect taste and just right! I love her dressing. Growing up, I had stuffing, and never knew the difference. I was deprived! HAHA! Growing up, I never had stuffing because it was very gummy and doughy. Carolyn's is cornbread based and does have bread, but small amounts. It is just good!
There are so many things I am thankful for, most of them being things I daily thank God...
There are so many things I am thankful for, most of them being things I daily thank God...
I Am Thankful for...
- My husband who I love more than the air I breathe. Marriage is a tough job, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband has been with me through hard times and good times. He is a wonderful father and wonderful man. He loves me unconditionally. Meeting him when I was 15 years old, and dating on & off for 4 years and now being married for 21 years with 2 beautiful boys.
- My mother, who as a very young lady was saddled with the task of raising her small children and with no education, struggled and pushed and made her way through nursing school while working full time and raising us. She is a very compassionate and strong person and I love her so much! She has accomplished so much, but never dated until after her kids were grown. My other mother (mother in law), who has been there the last 22 years as a huge supported to me. She is one of the kindest women you will ever meet. She has such incredible love for her family and I love to hear the stories of her youth. I could not love her more if I had been born to her naturally instead of through marriage. I am thankful we don't have the typical "in-law" syndrome. Although we have had our moments and said things to hurt each other, I love her dearly.
- My grandfather and grandmother. My grandfather was a quiet presence in our home, a strong presence but he worked long hours at construction and the evenings were his wind down time. My grandparents took a very active role in their grandchildren. It is because of my experience growing up with them that made me decide to not place them as guardians over my children if something should ever happen to my husband and myself. I didn't have the same relationship that the other grandchildren did. My grandparents gave of themselves daily, and gave up so much of the life they could have had by traveling and spending time with just each other.Instead they begrudgingly took care of their grandkids and kids that needed them. And they were far from perfect, but did their best to teach us what God had instructed, from their experiences, good and bad. I love them so much and miss grandma every day!
- My two dads. Now since my birth father chose the non-responsible life all together, I have strong issues with men my father's age, 65+. I love my father in law and step father and wish I had a daddy growing up. Both of these men of which have earned the title of "dad" to me, I believe would go to the ends of the earth if I needed them to. I tend to keep my distance and even over the many years they have been a part of my life, I couldn't love them more than I do. They sense my resistance but would be there for anything and love my children unconditionally! What more could a girl ask for?
- My children, Zachary and Brayden. The only two I was able to carry to term, Zachary arrived two weeks late and Brayden arrived two weeks early, totally different births and totally different children. I lost three pregnancies, but believe that was God's will. And to think I could've had 5 children. What a wonderful thing that would be! I am so proud of my two boys and thank the Lord every day for giving me this many days with them.
- All of my family and extended family. It would take forever to write on all of them! Marcy, Lisa & I all grew up to be close, as close as sisters and I love them both so much and miss seeing them more often. My aunts and uncles always tried to fill the void my father left. I miss the family of my childhood that spent every holiday together.
- My church family. I have been so blessed to be part of many church families. Mesquite CoC, Broadway (Centerville) CoC and now Johnson Street CoC. We settled in Greenville mainly because of our love for this church family and the outstanding preacher (Randy Daw) that always feeds our souls and makes us strive to better followers of Christ. We now have an exceptional youth minister (Brandon Watson) who has encouraged our youth to be servants and teaches them by example.
Friday, November 13, 2009
This is a countdown for many things...
WOW~ Where do I go from here, or where do I start? Zachary leaves for Utah, one week from today. Friday, November 20th. I am excited for him to be going into the Northern states where he can be participating in the winter sports, his love in sports.
I am attempting to begin a journey, one that I truly believe will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Repressing memories that hurt, has always been the way I have done things. I have too much to do to dwell on events that I had no control over or that I can't change. But, does that mean that I am not to blame at all? I have heard the phrase, 'everything happens for a reason'. Well, doesn't that reason need to be evident? No, it doesn't work that was, sadly. If I live an ungodly life, shouldn't punishment come from within, where you conscience resides? My conscience is like a magnet, sticking to everything even remotely close to shame and guilt. I pray without ceasing that I can come to an understanding of me. I wonder how people see me, and if it is remotely close to the lowly person that I see. I went to a ladies retreat and a very wise young lady spoke about ME. No, it wasn't actually about me, but it sounded so much like me in every sense of the word. "labeling myself as a failure, a disappointment, stupid, ugly and ungodly". THe series was called 'cleaning out my closets', my emotional closet.
My emotional closet...how I want forgiveness for the chaos and clutter in my emotional closet and for all the stuff in my emotional closet, most of it is carried on my back every day as the burden I will bear, because I must. When can I put down my emotional baggage? I never would want anyone to 'bear my burdens' and feel so much shame in disclosing even to my most trusted in this world. I love these people more than humanly possible, but what do they think of me now? I am beginning to clean out my emotional closet, I am terrified that this journey will be taken by myself, alone. That is the worst feeling in my heart. Alone...
What does anyone really understand about me? Who am I? I am the one who is very good at hiding and covering up ME with humor and fun. I love people and I love the Lord but with both of these loves, it is not enough. I strive to please, because my imperfections will be seen. I want to come to know a God that is forgiving and full of grace. I have heard others talk about Him, but all I know is the God of wrath. Lately my heart is so heavy and anywhere I can crawl to protect others from me is where I want to be...alone...the most dreaded place in my heart.
I had someone once tell me they didn't think I was very smart. I am not higher education educated but I love to learn and I love to try new things. I like to be people smart and know what makes people happy. Does that make me worthless? Maybe to some. If you were looking through my eyes at me the answer would be 'yes'.
Love is something I give freely only hoping for a bit in return. Although love is something I think I am unworthy of. Deserving, no, what have I done to deserve that and why would someone love someone as broken as me? We are in a world that has made a mockery of love, rolling it around in the mud of sin and darkness and making you feel like it is 'wrong' to love someone. 'Wrong' to hug someone. A hug has always been the most precious thing to me. The hug of my husband or the hug of my children, my mother's hug and a rewarding hug from a friend. Hugs are such an amazing way to show you care and a hug does something to your heart. I have always been a hugger, but within the last few years was told I was 'wrong' for hugging and 'wrong' for loving. Why did I question myself? Why do I question myself? I NEVER, EVER thought of a hug as anything but a sweet, innocent embrace, between two people that care for one another. Even with my husband it is not sexual, it is an embrace of those I love.
So, where do I go and where do I turn? I am very stubborn in asking for help, because my emotional worth is very small. I inadvertantly hurt those I love, because intentionally is not my way.
Have you ever thought that everyone would be better off without you? I have a hard time believing that anything I do cannot be done by another and better. I have a hard time believeing that anyone would love someone such as me and that there is a God that can forgive and love me. I expect a judgement of harsh punishment. I have thought many times "why didn't they just kill me?" I have even been guilty of thinking "I wish they would kill me". In my emotional closet, I don't see that people WANT to truly be around me. Invitations to parties don't come my way, dinner invitations are rejected, plans to spend time with people are cancelled and lunch invitations are rarely extended. Lonely is a very sad place to be to deal with my emotional closet.
What do I want to accomplish? So much. I want to always be the happy person that I know I can be without any questions. I want to rid myself of these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I want people to WANT to be around me and enjoy my company. I want to socialize with people and learn about people. I want to not want to be gone, to disappear in order to make this world a better place. I have been told I was unwanted, unplanned, unloved, unworthy and I have bought this line because of those I trusted who said it. Of those I was supposed to trust, because of who they are/were. I pray daily but feel like I am not heard, I am unworthy of His listening ear. I am unworthy of anyones listening ear. It is a precious waste of time for others and I think that there are much worthier causes to pursue than the likes of me. Too much today we have throw away people. Parents choose someone or something over their spouses or children. I dreamed of a day that daddys never left and people never irreversably scarred people. I pray that someday everyone will forgive me and I pray that someday I will forgive myself.
I am attempting to begin a journey, one that I truly believe will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Repressing memories that hurt, has always been the way I have done things. I have too much to do to dwell on events that I had no control over or that I can't change. But, does that mean that I am not to blame at all? I have heard the phrase, 'everything happens for a reason'. Well, doesn't that reason need to be evident? No, it doesn't work that was, sadly. If I live an ungodly life, shouldn't punishment come from within, where you conscience resides? My conscience is like a magnet, sticking to everything even remotely close to shame and guilt. I pray without ceasing that I can come to an understanding of me. I wonder how people see me, and if it is remotely close to the lowly person that I see. I went to a ladies retreat and a very wise young lady spoke about ME. No, it wasn't actually about me, but it sounded so much like me in every sense of the word. "labeling myself as a failure, a disappointment, stupid, ugly and ungodly". THe series was called 'cleaning out my closets', my emotional closet.
My emotional closet...how I want forgiveness for the chaos and clutter in my emotional closet and for all the stuff in my emotional closet, most of it is carried on my back every day as the burden I will bear, because I must. When can I put down my emotional baggage? I never would want anyone to 'bear my burdens' and feel so much shame in disclosing even to my most trusted in this world. I love these people more than humanly possible, but what do they think of me now? I am beginning to clean out my emotional closet, I am terrified that this journey will be taken by myself, alone. That is the worst feeling in my heart. Alone...
What does anyone really understand about me? Who am I? I am the one who is very good at hiding and covering up ME with humor and fun. I love people and I love the Lord but with both of these loves, it is not enough. I strive to please, because my imperfections will be seen. I want to come to know a God that is forgiving and full of grace. I have heard others talk about Him, but all I know is the God of wrath. Lately my heart is so heavy and anywhere I can crawl to protect others from me is where I want to be...alone...the most dreaded place in my heart.
I had someone once tell me they didn't think I was very smart. I am not higher education educated but I love to learn and I love to try new things. I like to be people smart and know what makes people happy. Does that make me worthless? Maybe to some. If you were looking through my eyes at me the answer would be 'yes'.
Love is something I give freely only hoping for a bit in return. Although love is something I think I am unworthy of. Deserving, no, what have I done to deserve that and why would someone love someone as broken as me? We are in a world that has made a mockery of love, rolling it around in the mud of sin and darkness and making you feel like it is 'wrong' to love someone. 'Wrong' to hug someone. A hug has always been the most precious thing to me. The hug of my husband or the hug of my children, my mother's hug and a rewarding hug from a friend. Hugs are such an amazing way to show you care and a hug does something to your heart. I have always been a hugger, but within the last few years was told I was 'wrong' for hugging and 'wrong' for loving. Why did I question myself? Why do I question myself? I NEVER, EVER thought of a hug as anything but a sweet, innocent embrace, between two people that care for one another. Even with my husband it is not sexual, it is an embrace of those I love.
So, where do I go and where do I turn? I am very stubborn in asking for help, because my emotional worth is very small. I inadvertantly hurt those I love, because intentionally is not my way.
Have you ever thought that everyone would be better off without you? I have a hard time believing that anything I do cannot be done by another and better. I have a hard time believeing that anyone would love someone such as me and that there is a God that can forgive and love me. I expect a judgement of harsh punishment. I have thought many times "why didn't they just kill me?" I have even been guilty of thinking "I wish they would kill me". In my emotional closet, I don't see that people WANT to truly be around me. Invitations to parties don't come my way, dinner invitations are rejected, plans to spend time with people are cancelled and lunch invitations are rarely extended. Lonely is a very sad place to be to deal with my emotional closet.
What do I want to accomplish? So much. I want to always be the happy person that I know I can be without any questions. I want to rid myself of these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I want people to WANT to be around me and enjoy my company. I want to socialize with people and learn about people. I want to not want to be gone, to disappear in order to make this world a better place. I have been told I was unwanted, unplanned, unloved, unworthy and I have bought this line because of those I trusted who said it. Of those I was supposed to trust, because of who they are/were. I pray daily but feel like I am not heard, I am unworthy of His listening ear. I am unworthy of anyones listening ear. It is a precious waste of time for others and I think that there are much worthier causes to pursue than the likes of me. Too much today we have throw away people. Parents choose someone or something over their spouses or children. I dreamed of a day that daddys never left and people never irreversably scarred people. I pray that someday everyone will forgive me and I pray that someday I will forgive myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)