It has been a roller coaster month for me. Learning to care for 3 foster children after being out of the game for awhile is tougher than I thought. Add me getting sick with a sinus and bladder infection, and getting worse because I don't have time to rest. The stinkiest part of all of that is I get emotional when I get sick and things that would normally not bother me, do. It is so retarded and it is something that I wish I could change about me. Well, it is at the top of the list. I pray I am on the upward mend and that I get to feeling like me again.
My kiddos are precious and are almost 1, 2, and 3 years old. They keep me smiling, laughing and snuggling.
My down side lately is anonymous calls and letters critiquing my life and my job. Normally it would not bother me but when I am sick, it does. Also, making a decision to write off my birth father from my life. What is it that makes a father? That is something I will never know because he was never in my life. My memories of him are not pleasant but I wanted to try to mend the relationship. He requested communication and I began, but it is not worth anymore tears and anymore thought. I am sad because I never had the opportunity to know my father and he wants me to believe that he was a victim in all of this and that my family had a hand in a lot of that. Well, sometimes you have to stand up and be a man and take care of your children. I wish I knew the definition of a father. I know some men that I think are amazing fathers and I am envious that I didn't have a daddy like that. I have a step-father and father-in-law that I love so much but there is still not that connection. There is an older friend of mine that I trust with everything in me and everything about me. Even my friends growing up had fathers, good fathers, OK fathers, but fathers none the less and fathers that are there. There for the good and there for the bad. I do think I missed out but I can't change the past and not too sure I want to. Your life takes so many different paths and I wonder why things happen. I have become a stronger and stronger person because of what my life paths were. This is my life! I have amazing family, friends, co-workers, Christian family and foster children. I love my life but I don't need the negative in my life. I see so different on so many things as many people in my life and that doesn't make it good or bad. Hateful things said or typed can NEVER be taken back and I am so careful to not hurt people, to not disappoint people and to be the best I can be as a person. I love my children SO MUCH that I would die for them. I love so many people and those people I would die for. My life is not as important as others because others do so much more for Christ than I. I feel so close to my Christian family and I have never felt the connection before. My church family is amazing and I could never explain how much I love them.
If you could ask yourself, what is the thing you love to do most in this world. What would that be for you? Think about it. If you could change your life, would you? I have said 'if I could change leaving Mesquite and all my babies, I would", but would I? I think I made an uninformed decision 3 1/2 years ago but I would not change it because I love my girls from BCH and I will always stay connected to them as long as they want. They are amazing teenagers that make good decisions and bad decisions, but they know I will always be there for them if they need me. I love seeing them and catching up with their lives. Yes, I know what I love doing more than anything in the world but I can't do it all the time. My choice for that is kissing. I love kissing my husband! It is incredible and amazing and I think about him during the day and lookk forward to seeing him after work so I can kiss him. When my husband was a smoker, it was not as pleasant, but now I LOVE IT! He doesn't taste like an ashtray. After 21 years of marriage, I still LOVE to kiss him.This post has been all over the place but that is OK cause no one reads this junk anyways! HAHA! These are just my thoughts on lately and I am going to take the advice that I got today from someone that I care about a lot. INTC and no, I will never tell what that means, but it made sense to me today. I will try to never let them get me down.
