Twenty one years ago tonight I was in the hospital at Ft. Wainwright Army Base in Fairbanks, Alaska celebrating New Year's Eve with my husband and my beautiful baby boy Zachary. That was my first abdominal surgery through c-section, and my life was forever changed then by that precious bundle of joy. Tonight my second abdominal surgery and celebrating New Year's Eve at home, and praying this surgery will forever change my life also!
I kept this surgery quiet because I didn't want a lot of the negative 'doom and gloom' surgical talk before hand. I am sorry if that offended some, it was never my intention. I am not sorry I did what I had to do but sorry you were offended. I would do it over again the same way. Only a handful of trusted were let in on the information.
All my life I have worried about what my actions may cause to someone else and I will always be careful of others feelings but this surgery is being portrayed about something it is NOT! I have and will continue to do what I feel is in my best interest as well as my family. I didn't want my husband or my children to hear stories to scare them either.
This surgery is not about me being vain. This surgery is about getting my life back! I have heard enough questions about skin after weight loss. I don't know about that, I am not there yet, but i will deal with that issue THEN. This is not about making me 'look better' but to feel better and be more active. A healthier and longer life is what it is about. So, the surgery questions about skin removal after weight loss doesn't matter to me and it doesn't matter to my husband who has seen me at my best and at my worst. If HE wants me to have surgery later, his opinion is the only one that matters. And that is about that. My only desire is to be able to love my life in an active phase and to love standing up for the things I believe in.
I love talking to others that have been through this because all the facts brought together make it easier.
There were 2 doctors that pioneered stomach bypass in the 1960's and they selected a small group of women to participate in it. I am still trying to gather accurate information before posting too much but my maternal grandmother was one of the few survivors of the bypass in the 60's. She lost a lot of weight, so much and could not gain that it had to be reversed. When I gather all my accurate info, I will post more about it.
I look forward to 2011 and the blessings ahead. Be happy and love all you can because this is all there is here.
Friday, December 31, 2010
My WLS Journey-part 2
I am so ready to feel great all the time. I have such an overwhelming desire to do things and then my body, corrects me. My biggest struggle since having surgery on Monday is my blood pressure. I have taken Lisinipryl 5 mg. on and off for a few years just for borderline/stress related HBP. I am not used to this incredible headache that comes with high blood pressure, WOW, how do people function with it? We are working on getting it under control but why am I having it? Doctor says pain will cause your blood pressure to spike and since I have a high tolerance for pain, my body is trying to cover it. Wouldn't it have been nice if my body decided to cover things right before this point? :o) Once we get this High blood pressure under control, we should be good.
I am so very blessed and so grateful for my honey. He has been so wonderful through all this. Making sure the 'nice nurse' showed him how to do things properly. I could not ask for a better nurse at this time. I am very rarely ill or in need or someone to 'care' for me and it is so hard for me to be dependent on another. Literally, he has taken on this task and even is giving me daily blood thinner injections in my stomach that were not part of the deal. I had not heard of that before with WLS, but this team of doctors has found the best and quickest ways to keep WLS safe and comfortable so I am not gonna question. Well, I may question the injections for a month at Monday's appointment, just to be sure that is what they want. :o) He has been wonderful and I love him so much! I dislike the things that he has sacrificed this week for me, but you can't go changing a stubborn man's mind.
Keeping tack of everything that goes in my body, when and how much. Going to work on a table for him to make things easier. Sometimes doctors can be such doom and gloom and our discharge seemed like that. "I will release you only if...and if you don't drink enough you will pass out...and document, document, document". Why can't it be like the initial talk about how wonderful things will be when it is done and the positive changes? I guess they have to be hard to get the point across and to make ME understand.
Today I am 42 years and 51 days old, but my new physical life began 3 1/2 days ago. It is good that my spiritual life is older than my physical life. I give credit, all credit to God for anything good in my life. I have my spiritual struggles, especially prayer. I can pray without ceasing for those I love but struggle asking for me, but I am learning and I am praying and asking for strength, both physical and emotional.
Day 3 ended with me going to 'stretch out in bed' and not returning to my soup. Day 3 was a struggle physically, and I pray day 4 is brighter and productive. I got a card in the mail that was so surprising and unexpected from a friend of my mother in laws. It was the most precious card of encouragement and so treasured. I am so blessed by unexpected blessings!
I am so very blessed and so grateful for my honey. He has been so wonderful through all this. Making sure the 'nice nurse' showed him how to do things properly. I could not ask for a better nurse at this time. I am very rarely ill or in need or someone to 'care' for me and it is so hard for me to be dependent on another. Literally, he has taken on this task and even is giving me daily blood thinner injections in my stomach that were not part of the deal. I had not heard of that before with WLS, but this team of doctors has found the best and quickest ways to keep WLS safe and comfortable so I am not gonna question. Well, I may question the injections for a month at Monday's appointment, just to be sure that is what they want. :o) He has been wonderful and I love him so much! I dislike the things that he has sacrificed this week for me, but you can't go changing a stubborn man's mind.
Keeping tack of everything that goes in my body, when and how much. Going to work on a table for him to make things easier. Sometimes doctors can be such doom and gloom and our discharge seemed like that. "I will release you only if...and if you don't drink enough you will pass out...and document, document, document". Why can't it be like the initial talk about how wonderful things will be when it is done and the positive changes? I guess they have to be hard to get the point across and to make ME understand.
Today I am 42 years and 51 days old, but my new physical life began 3 1/2 days ago. It is good that my spiritual life is older than my physical life. I give credit, all credit to God for anything good in my life. I have my spiritual struggles, especially prayer. I can pray without ceasing for those I love but struggle asking for me, but I am learning and I am praying and asking for strength, both physical and emotional.
Day 3 ended with me going to 'stretch out in bed' and not returning to my soup. Day 3 was a struggle physically, and I pray day 4 is brighter and productive. I got a card in the mail that was so surprising and unexpected from a friend of my mother in laws. It was the most precious card of encouragement and so treasured. I am so blessed by unexpected blessings!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
My Weight Loss Surgery Journey
Greetings & Salutations! I have always wanted to say that.
I plan to share my journey and hope to be able to help others to make informed choices.
My Weight Loss Surgery Journey began on Monday, December 27th, 2010.
As I sit in my recliner with my "VenaFlow System" on my calves to keep blood clots down, what better time to share? I have attempted to have weight loss surgery for at least 15 years and my insurance never deemed it "medically necessary". I lost 70 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2007, but there has been an underlying demon that has made things difficult to lose. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and have had it my entire married life, almost 23 years. There came a point that I wanted to stop fighting my body and start living. I have met with surgeons who said to have a hysterectomy and you are probably thinking that should fix it too, but it would only create other health problems. Dr. B has performed surgery for the treatment of PCOS and had great successes. I highly anticipate my life in the active lane again instead of the sidelines of life.
I will tell you that if you are serious about this, you have to get your rear in gear. I went in for my first consultation with Dr. B on November 2nd, 2010 determined and inspired by a friend at church that had gastric sleeve. Less than 2 months until the end of year and you know what that means, more deductibles, more out of pocket max., and the beginning of everything. I wanted to have WLS in 2010 and save our family the money, so, I got my rear in gear. If my insurance wanted 5 years of weight, they got 10 years. I doubled everything they wanted and asked what any insurance has came back wanting and got it also. Anything and everything they could come back for was there the first time. It was approved in less than a week and surgery scheduled for the last day of the year he was operating, December 27th!
I read my surgery book every night and got everything in advance as well as starting everything in advance. My protein, vitamins, supplements, etc. I was determined to be in the best shape possible for my surgery. The very hardest part of the whole pre-preparations was missing all of Christmas dinners this year!
I plan to share my journey and hope to be able to help others to make informed choices.
My Weight Loss Surgery Journey began on Monday, December 27th, 2010.
As I sit in my recliner with my "VenaFlow System" on my calves to keep blood clots down, what better time to share? I have attempted to have weight loss surgery for at least 15 years and my insurance never deemed it "medically necessary". I lost 70 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2007, but there has been an underlying demon that has made things difficult to lose. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and have had it my entire married life, almost 23 years. There came a point that I wanted to stop fighting my body and start living. I have met with surgeons who said to have a hysterectomy and you are probably thinking that should fix it too, but it would only create other health problems. Dr. B has performed surgery for the treatment of PCOS and had great successes. I highly anticipate my life in the active lane again instead of the sidelines of life.
I will tell you that if you are serious about this, you have to get your rear in gear. I went in for my first consultation with Dr. B on November 2nd, 2010 determined and inspired by a friend at church that had gastric sleeve. Less than 2 months until the end of year and you know what that means, more deductibles, more out of pocket max., and the beginning of everything. I wanted to have WLS in 2010 and save our family the money, so, I got my rear in gear. If my insurance wanted 5 years of weight, they got 10 years. I doubled everything they wanted and asked what any insurance has came back wanting and got it also. Anything and everything they could come back for was there the first time. It was approved in less than a week and surgery scheduled for the last day of the year he was operating, December 27th!
I read my surgery book every night and got everything in advance as well as starting everything in advance. My protein, vitamins, supplements, etc. I was determined to be in the best shape possible for my surgery. The very hardest part of the whole pre-preparations was missing all of Christmas dinners this year!
The surgery I had is: Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy With Duodenal Switch. The reason for the switch was to counteract the PCOS. Usually a switch is performed with BMI over 60 or 500 pounds or greater weigh. I had neither but it has worked for 'tricking the body' to let go of the weight. I didn't want to go back for another surgery but wanted everything done once. Most surgeons like stage weight loss surgery, but myself and Dr. B are not a fan of multiple surgeries. Recovery is harder but is one time rather than twice.
My day started with me needing to be at the hospital at 11 AM. I arrived and check in at 10 AM, and began the process of waiting. My husband, son and parents were with me. I was called back to pre-op at noon and there I waited for 6 1/2 hours. My anxiety spiked and I was so ready to get done, and I even thought about getting dressed once too and going home! I was taken in for surgery at 6:30PM and they told my husband my surgery was complete and I was heading for recovery at 8:30PM. I know my in-laws were in recovery because I was told that but I don't remember anything. You have to understand that the morning of my surgery, my husband's paternal grandmother passed away at 10:38AM, so it has been very emotional on the family. Throughout the entire waiting to go into surgery, there were many that came and went into surgery with other surgeons. Realizing that I had been blessed abundantly by the presence of my husband, son and mom & dad. My mom and honey stayed with me the entire process of pre-op and my mom spent the first night. Granted, I have had 3 surgeries in my life and 2 were this year, but the processes of surgeries is very overwhelming.
I honestly could not tell you when I remember being back in the land of the living. They pushed fluids and walking, walking and fluids. Walking came easy for me, and really felt good to get out of the bed. I did ache and I was sore but aside from the enormous amount of air/gas that was in my abdomen, the pain seemed manageable. If only I could release some of it, but that did come after the ride home. Texas roads seem pretty good until you have 6 incisions and a ride home and they are TERRIBLE! :o)
I had injections in my abdomen every 8 hours of blood thinner, so I look like I have been in a battle! I will have daily injections in my abdomen for the next 30 days to keep blood clots down. But all in all, I know this too shall pass and I can begin my active life doing the things I want to do and living instead of watching.
To be continued....HBP headaches and honeys,
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Stress does crazy things to your body...
As we near the end of our journey with our perfect Princess, it is not without the scars of battle. A new chapter in her life will begin and I can only pray that the chapter that ends with us is a happy feeling within her soul. I hope she knows she was loved unconditionally and without reserve. I know that tears will be shed and a piece of me will be somewhere in Texas away from me but I trust that God has His hand on her future and has chosen the family that is right for her.
My scars that are showing are the scars of stress. My body is reacting, or over-reacting to the stress of the situation. I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for short. I have had this dysfunction in my body for well over 20 years. First diagnosed when I was engaged to my husband and my GYN was certain that I had a tubal pregnancy. Well, I knew, and my fiancee knew that a tubal pregnancy was physically impossible, as he was in Alaska and I was in Texas, and further more, we had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day. (Or I had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day!~). At my insistence (and trying to avoid surgery) the doctor performed more tests and discovered that I was right, it was NOT a tubal pregnancy but an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. This began years of infertility and lost pregnancies, weight gain, depression and tears. I tell you this because since having my last child, I have had no sign of PCOS, until now, and has it ever reared it's ugly head.
It all started with a zit, (you know the commercial, they tell two friends and so on, and so on...) and another and another. Then came the frustration with weight loss, and the other signs. My PCOS was kicking my butt. Funny thing is, I should have always stayed on medication for this, but was taken off years ago. After speaking to my doctor who actually listens to her patients, we started a course of treatment, slowly at first and my body was kicking and screaming. Stubborn as it is (you know, I swear that my fat cells are super glued in or have formed some type of union in my body with plans to never release) everything happens for a reason, and the stress of this situation has brought on my worst nightmare. But I will get myself back in check.
PCOS has many signs; insulin resistance, acne, trouble losing weight, depression, etc. but need I go on. I got started on metformin which is a diabetic medicine and is used to treat PCOS as well as Metabolic Syndrome Disorder which also comes from PCOS. The most frustrating thing is when you say you are on metformin, people assume you are diabetic. But I am not....yet. I say yet, because both sides of my family are plagued with diabetes and it frightens me. I will not go quietly into the world of diabetes. I will fight it will every bone in my body
The bottom line is that I have not taken care of me these last 6 months. My bloodwork showed my cholesterol levels were off. Which ones? All of them! Triglycerides are high, good count low, bad count high. Never, ever had I had a problem with cholesterol, then it dawned on me...I had ran out of fish oil tabs from Sam's Club and had not gotten any yet and it has been months! UGH! I take those to keep my cholesterol down and to help with my joints! So doctor prescribes prescription meds and I don't want to take them! Wht to do, what to do? Talk to her, I guess.
Once the princess is swept away to her new castle, I intend to take some time for me, to get my health back in check and to get my levels where they need to be. It seems like I am falling apart in this fast paced world. I had complete ACL replacement on July 15th...3 months ago and my knee feels good, but I have to take care of me or me will not be around to take care of others. Priorities plan in check, my Savior to thank for the blessings He has bestowed upon the Princess and us, more prayers for an easy transition on all of us.
Life ain't fair, but it's still good.
My scars that are showing are the scars of stress. My body is reacting, or over-reacting to the stress of the situation. I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for short. I have had this dysfunction in my body for well over 20 years. First diagnosed when I was engaged to my husband and my GYN was certain that I had a tubal pregnancy. Well, I knew, and my fiancee knew that a tubal pregnancy was physically impossible, as he was in Alaska and I was in Texas, and further more, we had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day. (Or I had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day!~). At my insistence (and trying to avoid surgery) the doctor performed more tests and discovered that I was right, it was NOT a tubal pregnancy but an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. This began years of infertility and lost pregnancies, weight gain, depression and tears. I tell you this because since having my last child, I have had no sign of PCOS, until now, and has it ever reared it's ugly head.
It all started with a zit, (you know the commercial, they tell two friends and so on, and so on...) and another and another. Then came the frustration with weight loss, and the other signs. My PCOS was kicking my butt. Funny thing is, I should have always stayed on medication for this, but was taken off years ago. After speaking to my doctor who actually listens to her patients, we started a course of treatment, slowly at first and my body was kicking and screaming. Stubborn as it is (you know, I swear that my fat cells are super glued in or have formed some type of union in my body with plans to never release) everything happens for a reason, and the stress of this situation has brought on my worst nightmare. But I will get myself back in check.
PCOS has many signs; insulin resistance, acne, trouble losing weight, depression, etc. but need I go on. I got started on metformin which is a diabetic medicine and is used to treat PCOS as well as Metabolic Syndrome Disorder which also comes from PCOS. The most frustrating thing is when you say you are on metformin, people assume you are diabetic. But I am not....yet. I say yet, because both sides of my family are plagued with diabetes and it frightens me. I will not go quietly into the world of diabetes. I will fight it will every bone in my body
The bottom line is that I have not taken care of me these last 6 months. My bloodwork showed my cholesterol levels were off. Which ones? All of them! Triglycerides are high, good count low, bad count high. Never, ever had I had a problem with cholesterol, then it dawned on me...I had ran out of fish oil tabs from Sam's Club and had not gotten any yet and it has been months! UGH! I take those to keep my cholesterol down and to help with my joints! So doctor prescribes prescription meds and I don't want to take them! Wht to do, what to do? Talk to her, I guess.
Once the princess is swept away to her new castle, I intend to take some time for me, to get my health back in check and to get my levels where they need to be. It seems like I am falling apart in this fast paced world. I had complete ACL replacement on July 15th...3 months ago and my knee feels good, but I have to take care of me or me will not be around to take care of others. Priorities plan in check, my Savior to thank for the blessings He has bestowed upon the Princess and us, more prayers for an easy transition on all of us.
Life ain't fair, but it's still good.
Monday, October 4, 2010
When your heart is outside your body
No one that has never had children will ever know the feeling of your heart being outside your body. (I don't mean birthing children either.) I mean anyone that has ever loved a child so deeply and so completely that the child takes your breath away.
Jesus loved children so much and told us how much in Matthew 18:1-6, 10
1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.5 Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. 6 “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 10 “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.
The joy of my life has always been to welcome children, from day care to residential care to foster care. I love children and their innocence. I have no tolerance for those that harm children.
When I was barely 21 years old, the Lord blessed me with Zachary. What an adventure the two of us had. We played all day, baked, rode bikes, shopped and traveled. We were two peas in a pod. Yes, JimBob was around but while he was at work and on military exercises, we just played. It was as carefree as life could be. I loved being a stay at home mommy and housewife. I loved having everything cleaned and dinner on the table for when my honey got home after a hard (or not so hard) day. And watching the interaction of Zach and his daddy was more than my heart could stand. They were so silly together, and were the best of friends.
When Zachary was 5 and we struggled with infertility, we began the process of adopting a little girl who was 3 years old. With the blessings of her father, and her mother deceased, we entered into the agreement. Until at the last minute when the judge returned her to her father and he fled the state. We never saw her again.
Within the realms of parenthood, we became pregnant a total of 5 times, loosing 3 of the pregnancies. We had resigned that the Lord had blessed us with Zachary and we were grateful. We also decided to get out of the Air Force and move to be closer to our families. Within 3 months of that decision, I became pregnant again, although cautiously optimistic, I carried the baby to term and the Lord blessed me once more with Brayden. We had two beautiful boys and decided to fix it so that we would not endure the pain of loosing another pregnancy. Brayden was my special blessing, and we had a special bond. Knowing he was the last child I would have, I chose to stay home and keep other children while doing a Christian pre-school program. Brayden was so different from Zach and too much like me. He is a wonderful child that I thank the Lord for him daily.
Throughout our married life we have been presented with opportunities to adopt a daughter, and something always got in the way, and prevented this from happening. This last opportunity has truly challenged me, my heart, my faith, my trust in others because I have totally fallen head over heels in love with this Princess, as have JimBob and Brayden. She is perfect, precious, beautiful, amazing and oh, so smart. The opportunity to adopt her has came and went, and wishing for a truly normal, happy life for her, we have to let her go. This is where my test of faith comes in. Proverbs 16:20
20 He who heeds the word wisely will find good, And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he.
I have talked to those that I trust and asked for their opinions on this, and accepting that they know more than I know about the situation that brought her into this world, I have trusted in their counsel. Every morning and every night, I pray and I ask God to please take care of my boys and my baby girl, and I have to trust that He will because, HE loves children more than me. He loves them more than I do!
No one will ever know the joy that she brought to my life, the pure innocent blessing that she is to me and my family. For a brief moment, I could picture her in long dog-ears or braids, and overalls, running at the farm or feeding a newborn calf. Swimming in the summers and meeting her older brother. I could imagine what her life would be, in dance class and swimming class, from soccer to cheer leading, for her to be anything she wanted to be, but for a brief time, all I could see was that she was mine, she would belong to our family, she would be our daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and a niece. I thought about the years ahead in VBS and making lifelong friends at church, the bonds that do not easily break. I still wish for these things for her, but know that I will not be witnessing them but someone else who calls her 'daughter' will be. Her laugh will always ring in my heart and no one will ever fill her space in my heart. That space is hers, and hers alone. And once again, my heart will be walking around outside of my body. It is amazing how much the heart can divide but there still is always enough of it when you need it.
I write this not because I want to be put on a pedestal or for one to pity us. I write this because I want you to know that blessings come every day, in every shape and size. This blessing came in a 12 pound package of pure innocence, beautiful pleasures and diapers out the wazzoo. I have learned a lot through this journey, some good lessons and some tough lessons. I have learned that just because someone wants something really bad, it doesn't mean they will follow through.
Tonight, I am grateful for my family, friends, church family and those that I count on for advice and value their opinions. Thank you to all who have loved this Princess and cherished her. She knows she is loved. I know she is loved and I know you are loved. Thank you!
Jesus loved children so much and told us how much in Matthew 18:1-6, 10
1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.5 Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. 6 “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 10 “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.
The joy of my life has always been to welcome children, from day care to residential care to foster care. I love children and their innocence. I have no tolerance for those that harm children.
When I was barely 21 years old, the Lord blessed me with Zachary. What an adventure the two of us had. We played all day, baked, rode bikes, shopped and traveled. We were two peas in a pod. Yes, JimBob was around but while he was at work and on military exercises, we just played. It was as carefree as life could be. I loved being a stay at home mommy and housewife. I loved having everything cleaned and dinner on the table for when my honey got home after a hard (or not so hard) day. And watching the interaction of Zach and his daddy was more than my heart could stand. They were so silly together, and were the best of friends.
When Zachary was 5 and we struggled with infertility, we began the process of adopting a little girl who was 3 years old. With the blessings of her father, and her mother deceased, we entered into the agreement. Until at the last minute when the judge returned her to her father and he fled the state. We never saw her again.
Within the realms of parenthood, we became pregnant a total of 5 times, loosing 3 of the pregnancies. We had resigned that the Lord had blessed us with Zachary and we were grateful. We also decided to get out of the Air Force and move to be closer to our families. Within 3 months of that decision, I became pregnant again, although cautiously optimistic, I carried the baby to term and the Lord blessed me once more with Brayden. We had two beautiful boys and decided to fix it so that we would not endure the pain of loosing another pregnancy. Brayden was my special blessing, and we had a special bond. Knowing he was the last child I would have, I chose to stay home and keep other children while doing a Christian pre-school program. Brayden was so different from Zach and too much like me. He is a wonderful child that I thank the Lord for him daily.
Throughout our married life we have been presented with opportunities to adopt a daughter, and something always got in the way, and prevented this from happening. This last opportunity has truly challenged me, my heart, my faith, my trust in others because I have totally fallen head over heels in love with this Princess, as have JimBob and Brayden. She is perfect, precious, beautiful, amazing and oh, so smart. The opportunity to adopt her has came and went, and wishing for a truly normal, happy life for her, we have to let her go. This is where my test of faith comes in. Proverbs 16:20
20 He who heeds the word wisely will find good, And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he.
I have talked to those that I trust and asked for their opinions on this, and accepting that they know more than I know about the situation that brought her into this world, I have trusted in their counsel. Every morning and every night, I pray and I ask God to please take care of my boys and my baby girl, and I have to trust that He will because, HE loves children more than me. He loves them more than I do!
No one will ever know the joy that she brought to my life, the pure innocent blessing that she is to me and my family. For a brief moment, I could picture her in long dog-ears or braids, and overalls, running at the farm or feeding a newborn calf. Swimming in the summers and meeting her older brother. I could imagine what her life would be, in dance class and swimming class, from soccer to cheer leading, for her to be anything she wanted to be, but for a brief time, all I could see was that she was mine, she would belong to our family, she would be our daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and a niece. I thought about the years ahead in VBS and making lifelong friends at church, the bonds that do not easily break. I still wish for these things for her, but know that I will not be witnessing them but someone else who calls her 'daughter' will be. Her laugh will always ring in my heart and no one will ever fill her space in my heart. That space is hers, and hers alone. And once again, my heart will be walking around outside of my body. It is amazing how much the heart can divide but there still is always enough of it when you need it.
I write this not because I want to be put on a pedestal or for one to pity us. I write this because I want you to know that blessings come every day, in every shape and size. This blessing came in a 12 pound package of pure innocence, beautiful pleasures and diapers out the wazzoo. I have learned a lot through this journey, some good lessons and some tough lessons. I have learned that just because someone wants something really bad, it doesn't mean they will follow through.
Tonight, I am grateful for my family, friends, church family and those that I count on for advice and value their opinions. Thank you to all who have loved this Princess and cherished her. She knows she is loved. I know she is loved and I know you are loved. Thank you!
October falls into place.
I can't believe that it has been since June since I blogged. Guess I have been so busy and blogging was the last thing on my mind.
To begin with, I had ACL replacement and knee scope on July 15th. When I fell May 30th, I totally blew the ACL. I am now the proud owner of a cadaver ACL. I even have registered it in case it is ever recalled, which brings me to another point, what if it is recalled? Do they really think they will get it back from me? Not on your life. Surgery went great, day after really sucked a bitter lemon, but each day got better and better. I have finished rehab and will continue trying to strengthen the knee. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely, but the hardest part was being dependent on others for 2 weeks. My wonderful church family provided meals for the family and my parents were a huge source of support.
Brayden has gone on to the 8th grade and is playing football. He is also taking hip hop dance that he has always loved doing and is enjoying that but it keeps us way busy. He is becoming very responsible with his homework and schoolwork. He is doing well and hope the progress reports show what I hope.
Zach and Jo are doing well in Utah. Zach is going to Las Vegas to be in an ice hockey tournament. He is very excited about that as well as seeing Las Vegas, I am sure.
We have had a precious foster daughter for 4 months. Our plan was to adopt her, but plans changed, in her best interest. She is has stolen my heart and I am squeezing every minute I can until she goes to her forever family.
To begin with, I had ACL replacement and knee scope on July 15th. When I fell May 30th, I totally blew the ACL. I am now the proud owner of a cadaver ACL. I even have registered it in case it is ever recalled, which brings me to another point, what if it is recalled? Do they really think they will get it back from me? Not on your life. Surgery went great, day after really sucked a bitter lemon, but each day got better and better. I have finished rehab and will continue trying to strengthen the knee. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely, but the hardest part was being dependent on others for 2 weeks. My wonderful church family provided meals for the family and my parents were a huge source of support.
Brayden has gone on to the 8th grade and is playing football. He is also taking hip hop dance that he has always loved doing and is enjoying that but it keeps us way busy. He is becoming very responsible with his homework and schoolwork. He is doing well and hope the progress reports show what I hope.
Zach and Jo are doing well in Utah. Zach is going to Las Vegas to be in an ice hockey tournament. He is very excited about that as well as seeing Las Vegas, I am sure.
We have had a precious foster daughter for 4 months. Our plan was to adopt her, but plans changed, in her best interest. She is has stolen my heart and I am squeezing every minute I can until she goes to her forever family.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
And it all began in June...
What all begins in June? Just changes and progress, to hopefully get back on our feet, financially, physically, emotionally, mentally (haha, just thought I would throw that in to see if you were paying attention). June has been good so far, a whole 3 days into it. Brayden has his summer planned out, NETSYS camp, VBS and Utah to see his brother, mentor, best friend, hero and his brand spankin' new sister in law! Today was the last day of school and we celebrated by going to Brayden's favorite place to eat, Yen Jing. Then I came home to a clean kitchen and living room, all courtesy of Brayden. What an awesome kiddo!
Struggle as we might, my fortune cookie read, "You deserve respect and will eventually get it." Not that is a positive twist on my life. working on plans to better our life. I don't want Brayden to look back and say, "what did we do when I was a teenager?" We have always gone on trips and vacations but the last 4 years have been very lacking in that department. I want to see things with Brayden just like we did with Zach when he was younger.
We have been looking at smaller houses (smaller payments too) and it is SO overwhelming, to say the least. But we have had some positive finds lately too!
My physical being is in hopes of a rework. I returned to Weight Watchers Tuesday after being gone from there for 2 1/2 years. I was worried, worried that I worked hard to lose 70 lbs. and might have gained it back. I was no where near the clothes that I wore back then with size tags of 3X and 4X. When I got on the scales, they said I had gained back 10 of the 70 lbs. that I lost. I was very happy. I have tried to keep in the path with my food choices and if I could get more mobile, I could really lose. I had my busted swollen leg and my brace on my leg and I was only recording 10 lbs. That made me happy, and pleased with the results.
After Sunday gracefulness on my part, my knee has hurt like no other pain. I have to bear it, there is no other choice. I am not big on narcotic pain medications, because if I numb the pain, I will risk hurting my knee further. I don't like to be immobilized, I don't like to be dependent on another, and I don't like being embarrassed by all this apparatus that I was given to stabilize my knee until I can see a specialist. Well, tomorrow is the day at 10 AM. I have asked everyone I know to give me their opinion on the surgeon. Probably 99% are good, and the dis-satisfied were personality conflicts. I am looking forward to getting straight forward answers and I hope I get them. I am ready! I am ready to get on with my life! I am ready to be able to move without pain and yes, I am ready to have the surgery if need be. Life is too short to sit in the chair and watch it pass by when I can do something about it!
Work is going to be getting into high overdrive with the summer's activities! Always a busy time! ALWAYS a great time. VBS is proving to be a wonderful week this year! I am excited about VBS! HAHA!
It has been very nice to have my work complimented. I don't expect it and when it comes, it is so very nice. I love to encourage and compliment others and never expect it from others. If I don't expect it, I won't be disappointed. Someone I think highly of has pointed out some things about me that I need to change. And I am making a mental point to work on that, because it makes sense. I could have never imagined that one person could make me think on a different level, about myself and the way 'I have always done or thought." The way it always was/is doesn't mean it is right or that there is not a better way.
I am ready to get this show on the road and get my life back, the active, fun loving life back. I want to be able to run from the water guns and nerf blasters. And chase my husband where ever I want to. I love the line in "Sweet Home Alabama" where he says, "what chu wanna marry me for anyway?" and she says. "so, I can kiss you anytime I want to." I love it. Kissing is the most wonderful thing.
Struggle as we might, my fortune cookie read, "You deserve respect and will eventually get it." Not that is a positive twist on my life. working on plans to better our life. I don't want Brayden to look back and say, "what did we do when I was a teenager?" We have always gone on trips and vacations but the last 4 years have been very lacking in that department. I want to see things with Brayden just like we did with Zach when he was younger.
We have been looking at smaller houses (smaller payments too) and it is SO overwhelming, to say the least. But we have had some positive finds lately too!
My physical being is in hopes of a rework. I returned to Weight Watchers Tuesday after being gone from there for 2 1/2 years. I was worried, worried that I worked hard to lose 70 lbs. and might have gained it back. I was no where near the clothes that I wore back then with size tags of 3X and 4X. When I got on the scales, they said I had gained back 10 of the 70 lbs. that I lost. I was very happy. I have tried to keep in the path with my food choices and if I could get more mobile, I could really lose. I had my busted swollen leg and my brace on my leg and I was only recording 10 lbs. That made me happy, and pleased with the results.
After Sunday gracefulness on my part, my knee has hurt like no other pain. I have to bear it, there is no other choice. I am not big on narcotic pain medications, because if I numb the pain, I will risk hurting my knee further. I don't like to be immobilized, I don't like to be dependent on another, and I don't like being embarrassed by all this apparatus that I was given to stabilize my knee until I can see a specialist. Well, tomorrow is the day at 10 AM. I have asked everyone I know to give me their opinion on the surgeon. Probably 99% are good, and the dis-satisfied were personality conflicts. I am looking forward to getting straight forward answers and I hope I get them. I am ready! I am ready to get on with my life! I am ready to be able to move without pain and yes, I am ready to have the surgery if need be. Life is too short to sit in the chair and watch it pass by when I can do something about it!
Work is going to be getting into high overdrive with the summer's activities! Always a busy time! ALWAYS a great time. VBS is proving to be a wonderful week this year! I am excited about VBS! HAHA!
It has been very nice to have my work complimented. I don't expect it and when it comes, it is so very nice. I love to encourage and compliment others and never expect it from others. If I don't expect it, I won't be disappointed. Someone I think highly of has pointed out some things about me that I need to change. And I am making a mental point to work on that, because it makes sense. I could have never imagined that one person could make me think on a different level, about myself and the way 'I have always done or thought." The way it always was/is doesn't mean it is right or that there is not a better way.
I am ready to get this show on the road and get my life back, the active, fun loving life back. I want to be able to run from the water guns and nerf blasters. And chase my husband where ever I want to. I love the line in "Sweet Home Alabama" where he says, "what chu wanna marry me for anyway?" and she says. "so, I can kiss you anytime I want to." I love it. Kissing is the most wonderful thing.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My memorial weekend fun....
Yesterday, while my honey and baby went to help a good friend, Gene move into her new apartment, I dove head first in our closet. WOW! Was it ever overwhelming. Why on earth do we all keep STUFF? I have clothes that I have not worn in 4 years. Clothes I NEVER want to wear again. Those are the clothes I wore 4 years ago that were 3X and 4X. So, it is time to get rid of them once and for all and get back to the business of getting more weight off. Going back to where I had the best luck, at Weight Watchers. 70 lbs. gone before getting into my pit of despair but luckily I have not put much of that back on. So closet is done and now on to other things. Although while cleaning out the closet we cam across things, things that were Zach's, baby blankets, pictures, book and clothes, so I got down a large suitcase and started filling in with Zach's stuff. Since Brayden can have 2 checked baggage's, one will be filled with Zach's stuff. His Barney neach towel, his Winnie the Pooh blankie that was stitched and stitched with much love. Blankets and bibs that were cross stitches and hand quilted for him and now he can put them up for when he has children some day.
My little blond hair, freckled face kiddo wanted a shock effect on his hair. He wanted to color it jet black. I agreed that he could do it, I mean it is not like tattoos or piercings. So we agreed it would only be temporary, and wash out in about 10 washings and the color was added. Well, his hair has never had chemicals on it so it was very resistant but it is a nice shade of brown, matches his freckles perfectly!
Sunday is my most favorite day of the week. Worship and fellowship and just love Sundays. Well, this Sunday did not like me back. Not too many days of the week that I don't like but Mondays are sad for me, because I don't see my hubby until the weekends, but I am very grateful that he has a good job and so my selfishness must stay inside and I must deal with it.
I am always the first one up on Sundays and get in the shower, so I did what I do. I am really particular about my oral hygiene but love being completely clean out of the shower, including my teeth. I floss, then rinse with peroxide (to kill all those nasty germs) and then brush, brush, brush. It is usually the last thing I do, and then rinse with the microphone, err, I mean shower head. It is kinda like a water pik and feels so good.Anyways, while going through the rinse cycle, my left foot slipped and trying to catch myself, my right foot went forward and my left leg went back. Now, don't be thinking that I did the splits, because my shower is not long enough because it has 2 built in seats at each end, wall and glass doors on the outside. My left leg bent backwards and my weight came down on that knee, my bad knee, and kind of hurt. Well, I just sat there a few although it was very loud and prayed. I was thankful that I didn't hit my head or go through the glass doors. Now a plan of attack for getting out of this shower. Glass doors just offer no options to maneuver, that is the down side! I don't know how long I sat there with the water running on me but I was trying to figure it out when JB came in. Probably gonna ask if I was going to use ALL the hot water. :o) JB got very upset and wanted to know why I didn't call him. I don't know, it is just my problem for me to figure out myself! Thankfully, his help was greatly appreciated. Now my adrenalin is in high gear and I told JB I was going to go to church, thing was, I couldn't walk. I haven't been able to walk right in many years but the pain was pretty strong.
After much prodding, I gave in thinking I do need to go see what I have done to this knee. Stupid me and I was so embarrassed! What happened? Uh, I was stupid and slipped in the shower, and being 41 years before I ever did that was a great feat! Never used crutches either...HATE them! No fractures, just a really ugly xray of a knee in need of much! The burning is what bothers me. On the top of my left knee cap, it burns. My best friends have become ice pack 1 and ice pack 2. Ice pack 1 ties around my leg and ice pack 2 is one of the old fashioned 'bladder style' pack! I love those kinds.
I went to church this evening, after waking with a vicotin headache. I needed to be at the Lord's house once today. Not a fan of narcotic pain medications, they make me feel like I am crazy! No comments from the peanut gallery either! I really wanted my invisibility cloak, you know, the one like Harry Potter has? Would have been perfect for me! Enjoyed service with the young men leading. They did an outstanding job! Then we went to Wendy's with the group, but I just could not sit that long and asked to come home. I am very sorry guys! I love fellowship with all of them, but the pain was mightier than the conversation tonight! Now to sit, which I don't do very well when there are a million things left to do around here!
One more day of my holiday so I am praying that I wake up feeling wonderful, or at least less pain. Bruises are now popping up and such lovely colors. Have an amazing Memorial Day and thanks to all who defend our country and all who have given their lives for freedom. No greater love than for one to lay down his life for another, just as Christ did for us. I love you Zachary and I am so proud of you!
My little blond hair, freckled face kiddo wanted a shock effect on his hair. He wanted to color it jet black. I agreed that he could do it, I mean it is not like tattoos or piercings. So we agreed it would only be temporary, and wash out in about 10 washings and the color was added. Well, his hair has never had chemicals on it so it was very resistant but it is a nice shade of brown, matches his freckles perfectly!
Sunday is my most favorite day of the week. Worship and fellowship and just love Sundays. Well, this Sunday did not like me back. Not too many days of the week that I don't like but Mondays are sad for me, because I don't see my hubby until the weekends, but I am very grateful that he has a good job and so my selfishness must stay inside and I must deal with it.
I am always the first one up on Sundays and get in the shower, so I did what I do. I am really particular about my oral hygiene but love being completely clean out of the shower, including my teeth. I floss, then rinse with peroxide (to kill all those nasty germs) and then brush, brush, brush. It is usually the last thing I do, and then rinse with the microphone, err, I mean shower head. It is kinda like a water pik and feels so good.Anyways, while going through the rinse cycle, my left foot slipped and trying to catch myself, my right foot went forward and my left leg went back. Now, don't be thinking that I did the splits, because my shower is not long enough because it has 2 built in seats at each end, wall and glass doors on the outside. My left leg bent backwards and my weight came down on that knee, my bad knee, and kind of hurt. Well, I just sat there a few although it was very loud and prayed. I was thankful that I didn't hit my head or go through the glass doors. Now a plan of attack for getting out of this shower. Glass doors just offer no options to maneuver, that is the down side! I don't know how long I sat there with the water running on me but I was trying to figure it out when JB came in. Probably gonna ask if I was going to use ALL the hot water. :o) JB got very upset and wanted to know why I didn't call him. I don't know, it is just my problem for me to figure out myself! Thankfully, his help was greatly appreciated. Now my adrenalin is in high gear and I told JB I was going to go to church, thing was, I couldn't walk. I haven't been able to walk right in many years but the pain was pretty strong.
After much prodding, I gave in thinking I do need to go see what I have done to this knee. Stupid me and I was so embarrassed! What happened? Uh, I was stupid and slipped in the shower, and being 41 years before I ever did that was a great feat! Never used crutches either...HATE them! No fractures, just a really ugly xray of a knee in need of much! The burning is what bothers me. On the top of my left knee cap, it burns. My best friends have become ice pack 1 and ice pack 2. Ice pack 1 ties around my leg and ice pack 2 is one of the old fashioned 'bladder style' pack! I love those kinds.
I went to church this evening, after waking with a vicotin headache. I needed to be at the Lord's house once today. Not a fan of narcotic pain medications, they make me feel like I am crazy! No comments from the peanut gallery either! I really wanted my invisibility cloak, you know, the one like Harry Potter has? Would have been perfect for me! Enjoyed service with the young men leading. They did an outstanding job! Then we went to Wendy's with the group, but I just could not sit that long and asked to come home. I am very sorry guys! I love fellowship with all of them, but the pain was mightier than the conversation tonight! Now to sit, which I don't do very well when there are a million things left to do around here!
One more day of my holiday so I am praying that I wake up feeling wonderful, or at least less pain. Bruises are now popping up and such lovely colors. Have an amazing Memorial Day and thanks to all who defend our country and all who have given their lives for freedom. No greater love than for one to lay down his life for another, just as Christ did for us. I love you Zachary and I am so proud of you!
Friday, May 28, 2010
And now I must finish my thoughts...
Well, I must say that I am surprised Joanna was reading my blog. HA! Anyways, Zach and Joanna, I love and miss ya'll very much! Joanna, do you have a blog, because if you do, I should keep up with it because my son tells me nothing that is going on. I am lost and in the deep blue sea!
We had a family night which have been few and far between. Brayden chose everything and he wanted to eat at Luigi's and go see "Letters to Juliet". Dinner was wonderful and the company was even more wonderful. Me and my two guys, since the 3rd had to run off and get married! The movie was really good. I am so out of the movie loop that I have no clue what is showing. This movie was a good, clean movie. Tomorrow will prove to be a busy and hopefully productive day. JB and Brayden are helping a friend move into her new apartment and I will tackle our closet. I think the guys have the safest job tomorrow. Our closet and Brayden's room are on the menu for tomorrow.
We went over Brayden's summer schedule with him. The good, the bad and the ugly! I am so glad that his summer plans are intact. Brayden started out this school year and did not start out on the right foot. His grades were very lacking. He had a failing grade every six weeks. Enough was finally enough, because I know what he is capable of. I was busy working out things in my head and I felt very neglectful of him. I had to make a statement to get my point across. I suggested that he discuss all his grades with Zach. He doesn't ever want to tell his brother that his grades are low because he knows what Zach expects of him. I also spoke to a good friend, Randy, and asked him to talk to him. Well, he did. He told him that he thought it was a wonderful idea for him to be failing school and he was so excited that someone he knew would be living on the street and in a cardboard box because so many people need to hear the word of God out there and since Brayden would be living on the street he could preach to them.Now, if you ask Randy, he will say that is what turned Brayden around, and I might give him a little credit...NOT!
Each 6 weeks, I would ground Brayden from something, just one something. Well, I had enough and grounded Brayden from life. He could eat, breathe, shower and do school work. No cell phone, no TV, noWii , no computer, no overnights with friends and no friends over. No fun! Mean 'ole mom was trying to make a statement.
This 'punishment' turned into a blessing. Brayden didn't die without his cell phone, and came less dependent on it and texting. But we got closer as a family. Instead of everyone being at the computers or in front of the TV we talked and laughed and wrestled. We played games and did things outside and played with the dogs and just spent time without the technology of the world that plagues our existence.
I pride myself on knowing my children. I had children to BE with my children. Not to send them here and there and have a nanny and take all my vacations separate from them, but to spend the next 18 + years WITH them. I have had people tell me to take some vacations without my kids. But why? I love being with them and I love watching their reaction to new things. Seeing their faces and watching them become enlightened with things is what makes me happy. I get joy from watching my children experience new things. I have a friend who says, "we are lucky because my children have always spent time with both of our parents". They have always gotten them for the weekends and taken them on vacations. Well, I would never deny my parents the pleasure of spending time with my boys. They are amazing and they are what they are because of their grandparents. Grandparents are so important in a child's life and there is so much love between the boys and the grandparents. I am very proud of my boys and I will share them with the people that love them most. They are very blessed to have the relationships with each other.
But through all of this, Brayden has pulled his grades UP. 90% of his grades are now high A's and he has figured out that he is capable of this. He is found a new confidence in himself. He wants to be able to tell his brother that he has A's. This brings me to another subject. Brotherly love. I have been amazed at the love between my two boys. I don't know if it is because they are 7 years apart and didn't fight like close age siblings. Zachary wanted a sibling for so long and when we were finally blessed with Brayden, we knew it would just be the two boys. We were so happy that Brayden was healthy and full term and finalized our family. Zachary adored Brayden and was always so sweet to him. Brayden in turn adored Zach. Since Zach has joined the Air Force, Brayden is such a joy and such wonderful company. We act so retarded sometimes and we just love to laugh. What is life about if you aren't laughing? Two wonderful boys, two kind hearted boys, two boys that love the Lord. What more could a mother ask for? For these children I prayed, and continue to pray and thank the Lord for such a wonderful blessing. Thank you Lord.
We had a family night which have been few and far between. Brayden chose everything and he wanted to eat at Luigi's and go see "Letters to Juliet". Dinner was wonderful and the company was even more wonderful. Me and my two guys, since the 3rd had to run off and get married! The movie was really good. I am so out of the movie loop that I have no clue what is showing. This movie was a good, clean movie. Tomorrow will prove to be a busy and hopefully productive day. JB and Brayden are helping a friend move into her new apartment and I will tackle our closet. I think the guys have the safest job tomorrow. Our closet and Brayden's room are on the menu for tomorrow.
We went over Brayden's summer schedule with him. The good, the bad and the ugly! I am so glad that his summer plans are intact. Brayden started out this school year and did not start out on the right foot. His grades were very lacking. He had a failing grade every six weeks. Enough was finally enough, because I know what he is capable of. I was busy working out things in my head and I felt very neglectful of him. I had to make a statement to get my point across. I suggested that he discuss all his grades with Zach. He doesn't ever want to tell his brother that his grades are low because he knows what Zach expects of him. I also spoke to a good friend, Randy, and asked him to talk to him. Well, he did. He told him that he thought it was a wonderful idea for him to be failing school and he was so excited that someone he knew would be living on the street and in a cardboard box because so many people need to hear the word of God out there and since Brayden would be living on the street he could preach to them.Now, if you ask Randy, he will say that is what turned Brayden around, and I might give him a little credit...NOT!
Each 6 weeks, I would ground Brayden from something, just one something. Well, I had enough and grounded Brayden from life. He could eat, breathe, shower and do school work. No cell phone, no TV, no
This 'punishment' turned into a blessing. Brayden didn't die without his cell phone, and came less dependent on it and texting. But we got closer as a family. Instead of everyone being at the computers or in front of the TV we talked and laughed and wrestled. We played games and did things outside and played with the dogs and just spent time without the technology of the world that plagues our existence.
I pride myself on knowing my children. I had children to BE with my children. Not to send them here and there and have a nanny and take all my vacations separate from them, but to spend the next 18 + years WITH them. I have had people tell me to take some vacations without my kids. But why? I love being with them and I love watching their reaction to new things. Seeing their faces and watching them become enlightened with things is what makes me happy. I get joy from watching my children experience new things. I have a friend who says, "we are lucky because my children have always spent time with both of our parents". They have always gotten them for the weekends and taken them on vacations. Well, I would never deny my parents the pleasure of spending time with my boys. They are amazing and they are what they are because of their grandparents. Grandparents are so important in a child's life and there is so much love between the boys and the grandparents. I am very proud of my boys and I will share them with the people that love them most. They are very blessed to have the relationships with each other.
But through all of this, Brayden has pulled his grades UP. 90% of his grades are now high A's and he has figured out that he is capable of this. He is found a new confidence in himself. He wants to be able to tell his brother that he has A's. This brings me to another subject. Brotherly love. I have been amazed at the love between my two boys. I don't know if it is because they are 7 years apart and didn't fight like close age siblings. Zachary wanted a sibling for so long and when we were finally blessed with Brayden, we knew it would just be the two boys. We were so happy that Brayden was healthy and full term and finalized our family. Zachary adored Brayden and was always so sweet to him. Brayden in turn adored Zach. Since Zach has joined the Air Force, Brayden is such a joy and such wonderful company. We act so retarded sometimes and we just love to laugh. What is life about if you aren't laughing? Two wonderful boys, two kind hearted boys, two boys that love the Lord. What more could a mother ask for? For these children I prayed, and continue to pray and thank the Lord for such a wonderful blessing. Thank you Lord.
Everything happens for a reason...I guess!
I have heard it said to "not look a gift horse in the mouth". Now, it makes no sense to me because I have never gotten a gift from a horse or seen a 'gift horse'. But I know that it means, don't question a gift, and if something good happens, don't question it.
Something really good happened and makes me glad I chose Phoenix Charter School for my son. I cannot go into details but lets just say that the principal really made Brayden's summer. Brayden has a learning disability in reading but we have taught him that that is no excuse, he must work harder. A disability doesn't mean he can't do something, it just means he will have to fight harder, work longer and take more time to think through what he wants to accomplish. You are only unable to do what you believe you cannot do! Now with that said, Brayden is in full swing for his summer activities. He is going to NETSYS with his youth group and will see all his camp friends every Monday night for the rest of the summer. Then he is working the VBS program this year. Last year he was part of the VBS and this year he will help. And then he is going to Utah to spend 2 whole weeks with his brother and sister-in-law! He is so excited about that and has been counting the days since HE purchased his round trip ticket. I am so excited (a bit jealous!) but Brayden has never flown on an airplane so this will truly be an adventure for him.
My blessings are so numerous and I feel so undeserving of them. I cannot remember when I was happier. Even though there are struggles that come up, we are happy. We both really like our jobs and our co-workers. We are working hard to re-build our finances and to re-structure our lives. Life is good. Life will be better. Our church family is so incredible and our family is so amazing. Everything in it's place.
Something really good happened and makes me glad I chose Phoenix Charter School for my son. I cannot go into details but lets just say that the principal really made Brayden's summer. Brayden has a learning disability in reading but we have taught him that that is no excuse, he must work harder. A disability doesn't mean he can't do something, it just means he will have to fight harder, work longer and take more time to think through what he wants to accomplish. You are only unable to do what you believe you cannot do! Now with that said, Brayden is in full swing for his summer activities. He is going to NETSYS with his youth group and will see all his camp friends every Monday night for the rest of the summer. Then he is working the VBS program this year. Last year he was part of the VBS and this year he will help. And then he is going to Utah to spend 2 whole weeks with his brother and sister-in-law! He is so excited about that and has been counting the days since HE purchased his round trip ticket. I am so excited (a bit jealous!) but Brayden has never flown on an airplane so this will truly be an adventure for him.
My blessings are so numerous and I feel so undeserving of them. I cannot remember when I was happier. Even though there are struggles that come up, we are happy. We both really like our jobs and our co-workers. We are working hard to re-build our finances and to re-structure our lives. Life is good. Life will be better. Our church family is so incredible and our family is so amazing. Everything in it's place.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Reaffirmation....
I guess you are wondering about the title there. Well, my husband and I have been talking a lot lately about what we want with our lives and it doesn't not seem like we are on the right path. The things we want to be able to do are not getting done to our satisfaction and there is one HUGE obstacle that stands in our way. Finances...we are living way above our means and when an emergency (car repairs, camp money, surgery, TAXES) come up we are stuck squeezing or trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. When JB's company shuts down for a month without pay, it takes us months to catch up. This is NOT living. So, what would be our options? We could both find other jobs that pay better. This one has been vetoed because we both enjoy our jobs and working in an unhappy work environment would be counter productive. Job happiness and satisfaction are a priority. There is no flex there.
I think the hardest thing for me is when a friend is in trouble, I want to be able to help in any way I can. Currently I cannot help out financially. I don't tithe at the church like I want to. And I want to be able to go see my children in Utah. I can't be cause of finances. We have 3 vehicles that need repairs and we rely on our vehicles to get to work to support our family. This is a priority.
My reaffirmation was in the lesson today when Randy spoke of what we need to do as a church and what we need to do as a Christian. He briefly spoke about financial issues, and dwelling on them. I have dwelt for almost 5 years on this and I finally have some peace about the changes we have decided to make with our financial situation. I need to be wiser with my finances and I need to stop living above my means. I need to stop worrying about making sure my family is happy with material things and we need to think about this more. Why do I work so hard for a home with a high mortgage? My whole monthly paycheck goes to it. I have never been materialistic, I don't have to impress people with my things. If I am not good enough, than so be it. I am only worried about impressing God. He is my Rock.
I love my house, it is perfect for us, but it is hard to make. It does NOT make me happy, my family and my friends do. I love people more than this house and I want to put more into teaching people the love of God. It is clean out at our house, yes, my men hate me right now. I get in this mood where I cannot stand clutter, and stuff being stored and stored and just sitting. I want it gone. Why do I keep things? I have clothes that I wore at my largest; size 3X, 4X and 5X, that I need to ebay and get rid of them. I NEVER want to wear them again, but just have not found the time to group them and list them and GET RID OF THEM.
I am a sentimental person though. I love things from people that have meaning. My grandparents things, my Precious Moment collection of my marriage and children growing up. I can tell you where and who each figurine came from and what occasion I received it. I have a figurine in my office from my sweet friend, Krista and her family and it says "thank you". It is a Willow Tree Angel figure and I love it because it came from them. My first office gift. And I have a teddy bear that says "you are loved" from Sam and I love it too because it came from Sam. Sentimental because someone put some thought into it for me. But all the other stuff is just stuff, and I don't need to store it. So we are down sizing, and taking care of business like we should have been doing the last 22 years. Never too late to "wise up".
I am also trying to learn that just because something is important to me, does not mean it is important to someone else. I very much try to communicate and be effective at it, but obviously I fail greatly at this. I can communicate all day long but if it is not received like it is meant, it is useless. Working on this daily.
My treasure is my family and my friends, which both categorized include my church family. I love them and treasure them. I can honestly say that in all my travels and the church families we have had, this family is the dearest to my heart. Now we have had some great churches, but either it is this time in my life or I just needed this family, I am really hooked. We had a church family in Alaska, wow, now that was family. We met in a small log cabin church and did everything together, vacations, meals, tasks, everything, just like we do at Johnson street.
I started this to say that we are truly working on working for the Lord, and we want to make the changes in our lives, as hard as it will be to work toward this goal and free up more finances to be productive in His kingdom.
I think the hardest thing for me is when a friend is in trouble, I want to be able to help in any way I can. Currently I cannot help out financially. I don't tithe at the church like I want to. And I want to be able to go see my children in Utah. I can't be cause of finances. We have 3 vehicles that need repairs and we rely on our vehicles to get to work to support our family. This is a priority.
My reaffirmation was in the lesson today when Randy spoke of what we need to do as a church and what we need to do as a Christian. He briefly spoke about financial issues, and dwelling on them. I have dwelt for almost 5 years on this and I finally have some peace about the changes we have decided to make with our financial situation. I need to be wiser with my finances and I need to stop living above my means. I need to stop worrying about making sure my family is happy with material things and we need to think about this more. Why do I work so hard for a home with a high mortgage? My whole monthly paycheck goes to it. I have never been materialistic, I don't have to impress people with my things. If I am not good enough, than so be it. I am only worried about impressing God. He is my Rock.
I love my house, it is perfect for us, but it is hard to make. It does NOT make me happy, my family and my friends do. I love people more than this house and I want to put more into teaching people the love of God. It is clean out at our house, yes, my men hate me right now. I get in this mood where I cannot stand clutter, and stuff being stored and stored and just sitting. I want it gone. Why do I keep things? I have clothes that I wore at my largest; size 3X, 4X and 5X, that I need to ebay and get rid of them. I NEVER want to wear them again, but just have not found the time to group them and list them and GET RID OF THEM.
I am a sentimental person though. I love things from people that have meaning. My grandparents things, my Precious Moment collection of my marriage and children growing up. I can tell you where and who each figurine came from and what occasion I received it. I have a figurine in my office from my sweet friend, Krista and her family and it says "thank you". It is a Willow Tree Angel figure and I love it because it came from them. My first office gift. And I have a teddy bear that says "you are loved" from Sam and I love it too because it came from Sam. Sentimental because someone put some thought into it for me. But all the other stuff is just stuff, and I don't need to store it. So we are down sizing, and taking care of business like we should have been doing the last 22 years. Never too late to "wise up".
I am also trying to learn that just because something is important to me, does not mean it is important to someone else. I very much try to communicate and be effective at it, but obviously I fail greatly at this. I can communicate all day long but if it is not received like it is meant, it is useless. Working on this daily.
My treasure is my family and my friends, which both categorized include my church family. I love them and treasure them. I can honestly say that in all my travels and the church families we have had, this family is the dearest to my heart. Now we have had some great churches, but either it is this time in my life or I just needed this family, I am really hooked. We had a church family in Alaska, wow, now that was family. We met in a small log cabin church and did everything together, vacations, meals, tasks, everything, just like we do at Johnson street.
I started this to say that we are truly working on working for the Lord, and we want to make the changes in our lives, as hard as it will be to work toward this goal and free up more finances to be productive in His kingdom.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It just keeps getting more and more...
I feel like I have finally moved past the worst of this depression but yet still find things depressing. I find that when you start doing something 'to be nice', that it then becomes your job and is expected which creates a bigger work load. This is why our workload has expanded so much, because I am willing and confident to help out, but it then becomes MY responsibility. In an attempt to stay busy, I have created a monster. This is not small one time favors but daily and weekly things that someone else doesn't want to do anymore. Well, things need to be done so I take it on.
Healing is what I am doing. I have started writing, and think I will dub the rambling as "I think my emotional baggage just got on the wrong train". My beginnings are about what little girls need from their daddy's. Not that I am the expert but I know what I wanted and what I saw others have from their daddy's. It saddens me that men think that they can walk away from their children and women play games with the fathers of their children. It is NOT a game! It is very destructive.
There are a couple older men in my life that if God gave me the choice, I would have picked them as my father. Their children are very blessed. But still my life is my life and I have what I have.
Healing is what I am doing. I have started writing, and think I will dub the rambling as "I think my emotional baggage just got on the wrong train". My beginnings are about what little girls need from their daddy's. Not that I am the expert but I know what I wanted and what I saw others have from their daddy's. It saddens me that men think that they can walk away from their children and women play games with the fathers of their children. It is NOT a game! It is very destructive.
There are a couple older men in my life that if God gave me the choice, I would have picked them as my father. Their children are very blessed. But still my life is my life and I have what I have.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
My Childhood and a House
When I think of my childhood, one thing remains to the forefront although it is not the most important part of my childhood. My childhood house is always at the center of my memories. We lived in a house in Michagan when my parents were still together, and when we moved to Texas we lived in, I believe 2 apartments. The one I remember we lived in before the house was a 3 bedroom, roomy, and mom & I shared one room, grams & gramps another and my brother & uncle Kenny in the 3rd. I remember those apartments had an older boy that would always try to corner me, until he finally did. I was very glad to move out of there and into the house. The back yard was huge and the mean boy was not here.
So, from the middle of the 1st grade until I married, my address was 1405 Buena Vista, Mesquite, TX 75149 and my phone number was always 285-1108. That was before the time of having to dial area codes. Yes, it is dating me, but it is my life and dated it will be! I went to Hanby Elementary for Kindergarten and 1/2 of 1st grade. Our street was the dividing line for schools. On Buena Vista you went to Tisinger Elementary and Alta Vista, you went to Hanby Elementary. So, we moved schools.
It was at Tisinger that I met my best friend and the best part was that she lived across the street from me! We were in every class together until 6th grade.Our summers were spent outside and driving into the street today, I can remember us running barefoot in the streets just after the rain and the water running by the curb was our river. We made lots of paper and wooden 'boats' to float and run and follow. We climbed trees and jumped on trampolines and swan A LOT after my grandparents put in our swimming pool. We would gather by the patio door and sit and watch the people putting the pool in and anticipate it getting done. It seemed like it took forever to fill the pool up with the garden hose, but it was finally ready and that is where the majority of my childhood took place.
So heading into Mesquite today, Brayden learned that his new phone could not show youtube videos all the way to Mesquite and sustain the battery.
When we arrived to the house, the only residents that still remain at 1405 Buena Vista were there. And greatly offended that we were disturbing them. Daffy, Daisey and Doofus Duck. My grandfather strongly disliked them taking up house in his shed and residing most of the time in the pool. He would say, "those stupid ducks are pooping in my pool". I tried to convince him to put on of those signs out that said, " OOL, notice there is not P in our pool, let's keep it that way!" He said something about ducks not being able to read, but oh, gramps, they can read you and love to get your feathers ruffled!
It was a very sad day, going into my home but it was not my home anymore. Without the furniture and pictures and especially the people, what made the home so special has passed away with them. It was the ending of a era for me. Closure was in order but I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. Curtains are still on the windows and the only left to be picked up is 2 microwaves. I just didn't think the house would belong to anyone except us. My grandparents bought the house for, I believe $16,OOO. What an investment and gathering place for many years for family. Children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Friends and church family frequented this home. I thought I would share the pictures with anyone interested.
So, from the middle of the 1st grade until I married, my address was 1405 Buena Vista, Mesquite, TX 75149 and my phone number was always 285-1108. That was before the time of having to dial area codes. Yes, it is dating me, but it is my life and dated it will be! I went to Hanby Elementary for Kindergarten and 1/2 of 1st grade. Our street was the dividing line for schools. On Buena Vista you went to Tisinger Elementary and Alta Vista, you went to Hanby Elementary. So, we moved schools.
It was at Tisinger that I met my best friend and the best part was that she lived across the street from me! We were in every class together until 6th grade.Our summers were spent outside and driving into the street today, I can remember us running barefoot in the streets just after the rain and the water running by the curb was our river. We made lots of paper and wooden 'boats' to float and run and follow. We climbed trees and jumped on trampolines and swan A LOT after my grandparents put in our swimming pool. We would gather by the patio door and sit and watch the people putting the pool in and anticipate it getting done. It seemed like it took forever to fill the pool up with the garden hose, but it was finally ready and that is where the majority of my childhood took place.
So heading into Mesquite today, Brayden learned that his new phone could not show youtube videos all the way to Mesquite and sustain the battery.
When we arrived to the house, the only residents that still remain at 1405 Buena Vista were there. And greatly offended that we were disturbing them. Daffy, Daisey and Doofus Duck. My grandfather strongly disliked them taking up house in his shed and residing most of the time in the pool. He would say, "those stupid ducks are pooping in my pool". I tried to convince him to put on of those signs out that said, " OOL, notice there is not P in our pool, let's keep it that way!" He said something about ducks not being able to read, but oh, gramps, they can read you and love to get your feathers ruffled!
It was a very sad day, going into my home but it was not my home anymore. Without the furniture and pictures and especially the people, what made the home so special has passed away with them. It was the ending of a era for me. Closure was in order but I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. Curtains are still on the windows and the only left to be picked up is 2 microwaves. I just didn't think the house would belong to anyone except us. My grandparents bought the house for, I believe $16,OOO. What an investment and gathering place for many years for family. Children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Friends and church family frequented this home. I thought I would share the pictures with anyone interested.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thinking back in time...
I am so excited! My cousin, Marcy is coming to visit this month after 7 years of being in Washington. Our time will be limited, but each minute will be precious. Marcy is my younger cousin, by a whole 4 months. She and I were almost inseparable as kids. We spent as much time as we could, with her living in Richardson and me in Mesquite.As young children we were always dressed alike, like twins and were always asked if we were twins. We loved it. She and I have been talking about childhood memories since our gramps passed away. We would have tea parties at the bottom of the swimming pool and 'try' to have conversations at these tea parties while our butts would float to the top of the water. It was so funny and so fun! Gymnastics were always the name of our game and I could only be better than Marcy when she would be down with two broken legs from trying to do her gymnastics on the railing over a bridge, and her balance was not the greatest that day. We did sit ups on the side of the swimming pool and every different position going down our spiral slide. Diving competitions were always in order as well as flips, jack knives, the occasional back busters! The boys always had to challenge us. But when it was just us, we enjoyed laying out on the trampoline watching the stars and talking, eating honey suckles across the street at the Church of Christ, barbies and puzzles.
One Christmas we set out to complete a candy puzzle. It was like Halloween candy dumped in a pile and was so hard! But we did it, working night and day, sleeping, talking and puzzling. One trip we took to Emerald Isle, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places we went to, we took 'sexy' pictures in our room. Marcy had long, beautiful legs and I had these short, pathetic legs. Very un-sexy! Oh the things we talked about while traveling in her family's Cadillac. We sat facing each other on the floor with our feet towards each other over the hum, because the seats were Armour All'd and we would slide everywhere when the car turned. So we always took up shop in the floor. We drew and wrote our latest crushes names on paper. "Farland's Darlin" and "Jimbo's Bimbo". Yes, I know but what rhythms with Jimbo? I can't even remember who Marcy wrote down, but I didn't date a whole lot and have only a handful of boyfriends.
Sheltered would have been a good word for me. I had boyfriends but they would break up when I wouldn't kiss or do what they wanted. Boys were yucky and they did NOT have good oral hygiene and I was obsessed with oral hygiene and still am. (ask my husband about that obsession!) Raised in a very strict household, I was taught the finer parts of life, according to the teachers. Shorts were not allowed for a long time and were eventually allowed if to the knees. I practiced and had try-outs for majorette (You know band baton twirler) and made it but was not allowed to continue because the costumes were inappropriate. I played the flute and loved band. In high school I was on the flag corp and even played drums my freshman year because they had too many flutes. I played these HUGE, heavy cymbals! It was terrible! Marching with those things was tiring. Being part of the "Mighty Maroon Band' under the direction of the perfectionist band director was fun and hard, but it made us strive to be better than our best and NO ONE wanted him to get angry.
Getting back to Marcy. We did so much together within the youth group at Mesquite Church of Christ. Canoe trip was a blast when we tied our canoe to the canoe of two boys, one of whom Marcy was dating and the other was my youth group crush. I went with our youth group on a ski trip to Breckenridge, CO and a mission trip to LaJolla, California to put on a VBS for the local church. It was so much fun. But the best part of all of that is the friends I had in the Mesquite Youth group, I still have. We are still in contact and I have helped raise some of their children in my day care/preschool in Mesquite. My best friends of my youth are still my best friends of my adult life and some more have been added. Marcy was a big part of my youth group, when she came to stay with us. Life was good.
Life is good. Fast forward to today...There are many things that I am guilty of and poor choices to ask forgiveness for. I love to laugh. I love being happy. I love to joke and I love people. I try so very hard to not ever judge anyone. We are all flawed and we are all imperfect. Some of us have been through things that others have not been through, and some of those things have tempted to destroy. I want more than anything to rewind, about 6 months and make a different choice. How can you have resolution when you can't trust another person with your struggle? Sometimes it feels like there are only road blocks in the progression of my resolution to heal. It totally feels like this was meant to destroy me. I try so hard to cover and hide the pain in my heart and do well most of the time but I don't like the game. I want to have resolution and I want to have closure and I want to stop feeling like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, exposing raw heart and soul.
My choice to trust has come with a very high price. Misplaced trust, misunderstood trust and misguided trust. I have never felt such betrayal and being taken advantage of. Trusting those with my pain, expecting the help I need and being left to finish this nightmare by myself. Scared? Yes, very. I just want resolution. I am done talking about it, the events and the choices, but I want to feel like I can move on and know that God will go with me. I am SO afraid of telling anyone, ever. Judgments, guilt, blame. I am actually stunned at my choice of a trusted friend. I have never trusted men, never had a reason to, other than my husband. My perceptions of men are that they will leave, hurt, make excuses and be untrustworthy. I feel myself wanting to trust men more, because I have met men that deserve my trust. They already have my respect and admiration, and slowly they are gaining my trust. I am learning what the "Father, Christ" can mean to my life in the context that I should know Him. Not as the unforgiving, just waiting till I screw up again, and 'fire and brimstone' God of my youth. I remember going to bed every night and praying, trying so hard to remember EVERY sin I might have committed that day and asking forgiveness for them and worrying that I forgot one and that if I died, I would go to hell for that one sin.
I heard a preacher preach that about 2 years ago and was very upset about it. When I was trying to teach my at-risk girls that God is forgiving, the message that they got that night was "one sin can keep you from heaven". Just the opposite of what I had been studying with them. The study was as much for me as it was for them. We were learning together. There is nothing I love more than studying the bible with someone. I don't know who learns more. I love young people and their uncanny wit.
So what do I want to accomplish? And do I have a plan? I want to bury this guilt, and bury this demon. Can I do it alone? Alone is not an option and seeking out another stranger is not an option either. Have I hit a dead-end? I hope not. I want to be back to the unassuming, carefree, and very good at hiding my pain person again. No one deserves this, but me. There are times that I look back and I think that maybe my life was not meant to be. What then?
I have a plan for a good many things. What is that song, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I know my intentions were the best. I will press on and I will fight and I hope to win before this beats me. Most days my thoughts are in the right place, and I know exactly what to do and where to go but today, I am tired and I am lost. I will pray that tomorrow brings peace again and other happy thoughts come into my heart. I love those that have been here for me and I truly appreciate and pray daily for all of my heart strings.
One Christmas we set out to complete a candy puzzle. It was like Halloween candy dumped in a pile and was so hard! But we did it, working night and day, sleeping, talking and puzzling. One trip we took to Emerald Isle, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places we went to, we took 'sexy' pictures in our room. Marcy had long, beautiful legs and I had these short, pathetic legs. Very un-sexy! Oh the things we talked about while traveling in her family's Cadillac. We sat facing each other on the floor with our feet towards each other over the hum, because the seats were Armour All'd and we would slide everywhere when the car turned. So we always took up shop in the floor. We drew and wrote our latest crushes names on paper. "Farland's Darlin" and "Jimbo's Bimbo". Yes, I know but what rhythms with Jimbo? I can't even remember who Marcy wrote down, but I didn't date a whole lot and have only a handful of boyfriends.
Sheltered would have been a good word for me. I had boyfriends but they would break up when I wouldn't kiss or do what they wanted. Boys were yucky and they did NOT have good oral hygiene and I was obsessed with oral hygiene and still am. (ask my husband about that obsession!) Raised in a very strict household, I was taught the finer parts of life, according to the teachers. Shorts were not allowed for a long time and were eventually allowed if to the knees. I practiced and had try-outs for majorette (You know band baton twirler) and made it but was not allowed to continue because the costumes were inappropriate. I played the flute and loved band. In high school I was on the flag corp and even played drums my freshman year because they had too many flutes. I played these HUGE, heavy cymbals! It was terrible! Marching with those things was tiring. Being part of the "Mighty Maroon Band' under the direction of the perfectionist band director was fun and hard, but it made us strive to be better than our best and NO ONE wanted him to get angry.
Getting back to Marcy. We did so much together within the youth group at Mesquite Church of Christ. Canoe trip was a blast when we tied our canoe to the canoe of two boys, one of whom Marcy was dating and the other was my youth group crush. I went with our youth group on a ski trip to Breckenridge, CO and a mission trip to LaJolla, California to put on a VBS for the local church. It was so much fun. But the best part of all of that is the friends I had in the Mesquite Youth group, I still have. We are still in contact and I have helped raise some of their children in my day care/preschool in Mesquite. My best friends of my youth are still my best friends of my adult life and some more have been added. Marcy was a big part of my youth group, when she came to stay with us. Life was good.
Life is good. Fast forward to today...There are many things that I am guilty of and poor choices to ask forgiveness for. I love to laugh. I love being happy. I love to joke and I love people. I try so very hard to not ever judge anyone. We are all flawed and we are all imperfect. Some of us have been through things that others have not been through, and some of those things have tempted to destroy. I want more than anything to rewind, about 6 months and make a different choice. How can you have resolution when you can't trust another person with your struggle? Sometimes it feels like there are only road blocks in the progression of my resolution to heal. It totally feels like this was meant to destroy me. I try so hard to cover and hide the pain in my heart and do well most of the time but I don't like the game. I want to have resolution and I want to have closure and I want to stop feeling like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, exposing raw heart and soul.
My choice to trust has come with a very high price. Misplaced trust, misunderstood trust and misguided trust. I have never felt such betrayal and being taken advantage of. Trusting those with my pain, expecting the help I need and being left to finish this nightmare by myself. Scared? Yes, very. I just want resolution. I am done talking about it, the events and the choices, but I want to feel like I can move on and know that God will go with me. I am SO afraid of telling anyone, ever. Judgments, guilt, blame. I am actually stunned at my choice of a trusted friend. I have never trusted men, never had a reason to, other than my husband. My perceptions of men are that they will leave, hurt, make excuses and be untrustworthy. I feel myself wanting to trust men more, because I have met men that deserve my trust. They already have my respect and admiration, and slowly they are gaining my trust. I am learning what the "Father, Christ" can mean to my life in the context that I should know Him. Not as the unforgiving, just waiting till I screw up again, and 'fire and brimstone' God of my youth. I remember going to bed every night and praying, trying so hard to remember EVERY sin I might have committed that day and asking forgiveness for them and worrying that I forgot one and that if I died, I would go to hell for that one sin.
I heard a preacher preach that about 2 years ago and was very upset about it. When I was trying to teach my at-risk girls that God is forgiving, the message that they got that night was "one sin can keep you from heaven". Just the opposite of what I had been studying with them. The study was as much for me as it was for them. We were learning together. There is nothing I love more than studying the bible with someone. I don't know who learns more. I love young people and their uncanny wit.
So what do I want to accomplish? And do I have a plan? I want to bury this guilt, and bury this demon. Can I do it alone? Alone is not an option and seeking out another stranger is not an option either. Have I hit a dead-end? I hope not. I want to be back to the unassuming, carefree, and very good at hiding my pain person again. No one deserves this, but me. There are times that I look back and I think that maybe my life was not meant to be. What then?
I have a plan for a good many things. What is that song, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I know my intentions were the best. I will press on and I will fight and I hope to win before this beats me. Most days my thoughts are in the right place, and I know exactly what to do and where to go but today, I am tired and I am lost. I will pray that tomorrow brings peace again and other happy thoughts come into my heart. I love those that have been here for me and I truly appreciate and pray daily for all of my heart strings.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings,
People that have never had depression themselves will inadvertently tell a depressed person, 'just snap out of it' or 'count your blessings'. If we could have snapped out of it, we would have SNAPPED a LONG time ago! And counting our blessings is a good thing but not something someone wants to hear, as if we are being selfish and not thinking of others.
The Lord has truly sent blessings my way. I do believe that most men would have walked away from me a long time ago and knowing the things he knows now, he still would have that right. This was not part of the agreement, was NOT in the initial contact, not what he bargained for. Deep in my thinking, is embedded the belief that "MEN LEAVE". They just glance at something better, get bored, get overwhelmed, and get walking. I had seen this my whole life. Beginning with my father and my family. Families destroyed by divorce and children destroyed by abandonment, physical and/or emotional. There is nothing sadder to watch than a child waiting for a parent to pick them up for a visit and the parent never shows. No different than and elderly person waiting in the nursing home for someone that loves them to visit. But back to my initial thought. I know what my heart is doing, as it pushes those away that I love. My hurt is deep enough and I don't want others hurt by it also. My husband, although he wants to KNOW, has been a source of strength and a source of love. I often tease him about his 'wild days', and he was definitely a wild one, but I believe he has stayed true to me during our marriage. I just don't understand some things but I do understand that he loves me. Why is that so hard to accept for me? To be loved? Maybe I think I am too much work. Every since I was 15 years old, and had glanced at the smile on a boy at work, I have been smitten. 26 years this man has been in my heart and the key is no longer available. There is lots more room for me to love but not to get the love I have for him out. My first kiss, my first date, my first many. I don't think I deserve a man like this and I am so very thankful for him! I love you honey and thank you for standing by me and for holding me up when I became too weak to stand.
The Lord has truly sent blessings my way. I do believe that most men would have walked away from me a long time ago and knowing the things he knows now, he still would have that right. This was not part of the agreement, was NOT in the initial contact, not what he bargained for. Deep in my thinking, is embedded the belief that "MEN LEAVE". They just glance at something better, get bored, get overwhelmed, and get walking. I had seen this my whole life. Beginning with my father and my family. Families destroyed by divorce and children destroyed by abandonment, physical and/or emotional. There is nothing sadder to watch than a child waiting for a parent to pick them up for a visit and the parent never shows. No different than and elderly person waiting in the nursing home for someone that loves them to visit. But back to my initial thought. I know what my heart is doing, as it pushes those away that I love. My hurt is deep enough and I don't want others hurt by it also. My husband, although he wants to KNOW, has been a source of strength and a source of love. I often tease him about his 'wild days', and he was definitely a wild one, but I believe he has stayed true to me during our marriage. I just don't understand some things but I do understand that he loves me. Why is that so hard to accept for me? To be loved? Maybe I think I am too much work. Every since I was 15 years old, and had glanced at the smile on a boy at work, I have been smitten. 26 years this man has been in my heart and the key is no longer available. There is lots more room for me to love but not to get the love I have for him out. My first kiss, my first date, my first many. I don't think I deserve a man like this and I am so very thankful for him! I love you honey and thank you for standing by me and for holding me up when I became too weak to stand.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Love One Another
The one thing I try to remember when dealing with anyone, but especially my Christian family is to "LOVE ONE ANOTHER". If above all we think of each other with this phrase, wouldn't it make our lives better. Wouldn't it shut off the gossip and plug up the negative. What if we thought about today as our last day that God was granting us. Would we still sit at lunch and gossip about someone who we 'think' is not doing the job properly or bad talk someone that made a mistake? I prefer to reminise with those I love and I prefer to laugh and love. What if that was the last thing your friend heard you say? Is that what you would want them to think of as they left this earth? If we knew that something was said that was wrong, why don't we stand up and speak up for what is right. People, families, organizations and congregations can get so discouraged and discontented by the gossip and the assumptions. We are all human but we seem to gravitate to the negative and what a waste of time and energy that is. I would rather spend my energy and my time laughing and making others happy. By encouraging instead of discouraging. A smile is a free gift you can give another person, and it is so contagious and makes you feel wonderful! Have you ever caught someone smiling at you across the room? Could you keep from smiling back? Children are watching everything we do and say. Is this what we want to pass on to our future generation, our future leaders and our future churches? Let people live and be happy. It seems that when someone is truly happy, others get envious and start prodding to break them down. Why must we do this? What does it accomplish? My heart is so full of love and the best thing to collect is more love to expand it more. Isn't this the expansion that we want in our bodies and in our lives? My expansion is in my waist line, but my increase in weight should be because our hearts are expanding because we are loving more. Our blood pressures would go down and our stress levels would decrease and we would all find more joy and more pleasure in just spending time with each other. There is no greater joy than to have a meal with friends and for there to be no gossip, assumptions or criticism. More people want to talk about what others are not doing right instead of digging their heels in and getting their hands dirty for a marvelous cause. If everyone that critisized and gossip put that much energy into the work of the Lord, can you imagine what a wonderful place this would be. Just by starting one hour a day and to say for this hour, I WILL NOT judge another, I will love completely and I will be a light to those around me. One hour at a time, one day at a time and one week at a time. It is an easy habit to break, by taking small steps, and I can speak from experience because I used to participate in this sin, and it got me nowhere, it made me sad, and it kept me from doing the Lord's work. What a sad existance that was. Seeing what I didn't like to see in the mirror, and wanting something more, I set out to change it, one hour at a time. It didn't matter that I was angry because my father walked out, or that things happened to me beyond my control. I still had the choice to make each hour. Was I going to let the devil win or was I going to strive to live for the Lord? I chose good, happy, loving and POSITIVE. I chose to encourage my firends and I love to encourage those I love. I still have days when the devil tries to win, but I can say, "Get away from me satan!" and get my hour back in check. It doesn't always work that quickly but what a waste it is. For every hour of anger, sadness, bitterness and negativity, I shall never get that back. I chose NOT to live that way and you can chose your way and whatever you chose, I will not judge you for your life is yours alone, and I want to answer my Savior with "yes, Lord, I believe I made a difference for Your Kingdom." If you are reading this, know that I love you and care for you and hope that you have an amazing day!
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