What is your biggest battle in your life?

What do you feel like the devil brings to you daily? My hardest fight and biggest battle is depression. I am not ashamed to say it, I have a chemical imbalance, as does my mother, aunts, grandmother (had manic episodes) and sperm-donor who was also manic (or bipolar as they call it now). I don't like the ups and downs and I don't like feeling sad all the time. I struggle with burdening anyone to talk because quite frankly, anyone who has not struggled themselves with depression, do not have a clue. You get told things like, "you need to just snap out of it" or "you need to count your blessings". I am VERY aware of my blessings; I have a husband that I love more than the air I breathe, 2 wonderful sons that have never given me a moments grief, a percous daughter in law that loves my son completely. I have a supportive and loving family and extended family, and incredible church family that I don't think I could be without, a job that I love the work and the people, co-workers that are supportive and caring, a roof over my head, a car to drive me to work, one sweet laid back golden retriever and psycho mut boston terrier that keeps us laughing. What in the world do I have to be depressed about?

This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.

The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.

There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...

The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.

I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.

Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.

I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.

Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.

I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.

I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...