Use your common sense, treat others as you want to be treated, be kind, keep your nose in your own business, tell the truth, never tire from being on your knees in prayer, remember hugs are essential and love like today is your last day on earth!
I love to put up my Christmas decorations and love to take them down. It is just that we have always taken down our Christmas decorations before December 29th because we didn't want to have them up on Zachary's birthday. Well, I am gonna stick with that. Christmas is coming down.
With 2010 coming up, my changes are to better me...
My relationship with God must be closer, better and more understanding. I have already began a private bible study to achieve this for myself. This is a very attainable goal and I am excited about it.
As always, I want to lose weight but this year WILL be different. I have a wedding in February and I want to feel better and have less pain on my knees, at the least.
I want to lose enough weight so that I can go on the Bone Marrow Transplant list. I donate blood as often as I can, but losing my step father, Paul to leukemia, has heightened my awareness for this need.
I also want to do a walk in honor of my sweet grandmother who fought the battle twice with cancer before it took her home.
Diabetes is an area that I want to also do a walk or help to raise awareness of this disease. My maternal grandparents both have suffered with this disease. One of my children in residential care has childhood diabetes and is insulin dependent. I took every class I could and learned as much as possible to help him live better and longer. He is precious! This is a disease I fear.
I want to have knee replacement surgery to be able to have a more active life. I have been told for 20 years that my knees are bone on bone, but what other options do I have? My current insurance won't cover anything for 2 years, so I suck it up and move on. Mind over matter. I mind but it doesn't matter! HAHA!
I want to lose weight so I can do more with missions at least once a year.
I also want to start back to school and find a way to pay for it. It is important to me to better myself.
I want to put my past in the past and stop assuming responsibility for everything. I have learned so much this year and have put my trust in others.
My goals for 2010 are set and I am not waiting for any of it until the New Year. My changes start NOW.
The changes have already started. I want to be a light to those around me and make those around me laugh and smile. (you know I could be REALLY funny with that one!) I can ONLY change me! I can't change my hubby or my boys, but I can make a difference with myself and I am gonna go full speed to accomplish this. I am so blessed with family and friends I love so much. My church family is so amazing and my heart is always thinking of ways to help them and keep things light and happy within the walls.
My life is amazing and my heart is full of love, the love of God and the love of others. It is what this is all about! Life, to love and live and teach others about the love of God.
This week has proven to be anything but smooth. Geez, if I could just get things to hang on the walls at work, that would be ONE accomplishment. I think the ghosts at work come and put things off, especially the sign that says,"First God created man, And then He had a better idea." HA! I have NO control over the things staying one the wall.
So, I am learning more about myself than I ever anticipated. I am a conflict and emotional avoider. I avoid conflict like the plague and put my emotions on the back burner until they just have to boil over. Conflict and arguments are pointless because nobody wins. Or do they? I can see no winner to conflict. And the conflict I am referring to is fighting, arguing, name calling. Not the conflict of "I believe abortion is wrong for any reason."
Learning that things in your past have had control over you is hard to process. My father is one thing that has had control over me, let's just refer to a life changing event as "it", and a job I left reluctantly due to the control I allowed someone to have.
My father, A.K.A, my sperm donor. Period, plain and simple, the man that provided the sperm, and that was just about all. Within a period of 20 months, my parents had two babies. Overwhelming? Sure, but enough to make you walk away? My feelings of never being good enough, never smart enough, never measuring up and always being a disappointment to those I love. Notice, I didn't say those that love me. Can you still love if you are disappointed? Well, I can, but some people can't. So many things are beyond my relm of thinking, and being disappointed and to stop loving is not in my comprehension. Even when someone disappoints me or better still, betrays me, I still love them and forgive them if they ask for that of me. That does not mean that I will let them hurt me again. Wonder why I don't measure up? Or feel like I don't? Maybe because my father never made an attempt to contact me for 15+ years. 15 years of my childhood. My childhood that desperately wanted a daddy to care about ME! Maybe because he has made no quams about the fact that he was intoxicated when I was conceived; unplanned and unwanted. Maybe it is because he has indicated that I am a failure as a daughter, a disgrace, disrespectful and an embarrassment. Maybe it is because he wants ME to shoulder all the blame for our damaged relationship and maybe I am going to refuse to do just that. I want to stop allowing him to control me and the way I feel about me. I have to stop letting these men control me and the way I am living.
The hard "it". I have to let go of the responsibility of this. But it is attached like a cancer very deeply rooted and intertwined through out my body and soul. I have allowed this and even pushed it further into hiding for fear of being exposed and broken. It has too much control over me and every aspect of my life. Talk about never being good enough, doesn't even begin to hit the nail on the head. Keep the weight up and keep the fear down. The fear of being hurt. What if "it" was the next membership placed at my church? What would I do? How would I handle this? First thing that comes to mind is...I think I would just vomit! And since I avoid conflict, then and now, this is why we have come to this place. I am not stupid, dumb, "blond", or unintelligent. I am not the brightest tool in the shed but like any other tool that is used for it's purpose, it does show signs of wear and tear. My scars are hidden deep within my heart.
The boss. Why just because someone tells you that you are worthless and ignorant, and have a bad marriage and are a bad parent, does that mean it is true? No, but why does the control take over your brain and hurt your heart? Why do I LET him have control? What am I afraid of? The threats, the talk, the lies. Do I believe them? No, Although I work daily to try to be worth something. Ignorant, I don't think so, Bad marriage? Well, now it is not a Cinderella story but it has it's good days and it's bad days! Bad parent? Well, that would have to be answered by my boys and the children I have taken care of. That is not something I can answer. I expected people that were in my life to stand up for what was right. To stand up for me. But I know I expected too much. I just could not leave someone I care about thinking they were worthless because someone said they were. No job is worth losing my dignity, betraying a friend or turning my back on God. Even a job that I dearly loved. Leaving the children I loved and told that I would NOT leave them. And I would not have left them. I would still be there scratching my head and trying to figure out how to please those whose pleasure changes daily and sometimes hourly. Why have I allowed these 3 men to control my life, my emotions and my heart? I don't know, but that is what I hope to learn.
I do find myself sad about ways people treat others. And I don't understand it. I used to let my anger get the best of me and now I fear getting angry for fear of hurting someone or saying you cannot ever take back. I vividly remember my anger and the things I said, hurtful things, although they were true, did not need to be voiced. Everyone has free will to do and say what they wish.
There are many funerals that have taken place at JS. The saddest ones to me are the ones that only have maybe 50 people, and I think, "Is this what my funeral will be like?" Barely any pews full or people there just because they 'ought' to. I have been to funerals that the church is packed and people are squeezing in tight to be present because the deceased touched so many lives. I want to be kind and touch lives but to do this, I must lose this fear and overcome the 'control' that others have over me, but only in my mind, because I still hear the things. I have had NO closure with any of these 3 events. I doubt I ever will. I pray that God knows me and that He is the only one with control over me.
I thank God daily for my family, my friends and my church family and co-workers. I can't imagine going to a job I dread. I hate missing work because I love the people there. The tasks keep me busy but the people make it enjoyable. The pay isn't great but it is a paycheck and for that I am grateful. Everything can be gone in a flash, but if I have those that I love beside me, I can get through anything!
This has been a very good week. But as this week comes to a close, the beginning of next week will attest to be a week of cessation. My sweet girls will be moved to a family placement. This was always in the plans and reunification is always the plan for the children. I just fell so deeply in love with them. Oh my! Precious, beautiful and funny! They have come SO far in the 4 months that we have been blessed to enjoy them. ECI and the caseworker both praised their progress with us. Caseworker said they have made so much progress and really blossomed while they have been in out care. Both say that they have so much interaction, love and security with us and we have provided them so much. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Love 'em as long as we can and teach them as much as possible. I have to go into this thinking it is not perpetual and is time limited as I did with day care. Otherwise, I would just crumble. But I know that I did everything humanly possible to provide them with love and security. I am so greatful for my church family who loved them like they were never leaving. And for my friends that brought me plenty of 'love-me-downs' and took pictures that I will treasure forever! They have forever left a mark on my heart and I hope I have left something with them. Even if the memories fade, they still remember something, if event he song that I sang to them when the moon was full or visable, "I see the moon and the moon sees me, the moon sees the one that I long to see, so God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the one that I long to see." It gives me solice to know that we are both under the same moon and pray they are as happy as their two precious souls deserve to be! I pray they remember how much they loved bible class and I am so thankful for the bible class teachers that loved and taught them while they were in our home. Thank you all so much! And for Randy and Brandon that were so sweet and played with them. I hope that when she drives by the church she remembers good feelings and security. So as I spend my last few days and hours with my girls and I prepare them to move on, I will pray without ceasing that God watches over them. Thank you to all you that loved them!
This last bout with the blues has been really a bad one and sometimes I just think it is time I go, but I don't have time, too much to do. I say all this to say that I have such and amazing husband who drives me crazy sometimes by leaving glasses on the tables, not using a coaster and leaving his clothes where they fall off his body. We won't go into the toilet seat, the toothpaste, the soap, and other little stupid nit-picky things I go through. Through all of this that has drug on too long he has been wonderful. When I get down, I just don't care about the house, the holidays, the cooking (because I have NO appetite), or the socializing. I do just what must be done. Sometimes I think this will never move past. One good day and one bad day!
He has been cooking and doing the things that I cannot do. Laundry will always wait for me unless they totally run out of underwear. The house is lit up for the holidays and the tree is up, although it is not decorated yet, that is my job.He has been a support for me and although no one can take on my burden, he would if he could. I daily wish this burden was buried deep still. I don't want it to hurt anyone or come between myself and others, which I feel it has. My husband is a compassionate, loving and supportive man and I love him for dealing with and putting up with me.
The saying goes..."walk a mile in my shoes". I have walked one really hard mile and the blisters are still there. I know that I would NOT wish my pain on anyone. But I do wish people could see ME. I am hidden, for the most part. I become apparent when laundry needs done, diapers need changed, dinner needs cooked and work needs to be done. Other than that, I am an abscond thought in the minds of most. I feel like I make people not want to be around me and I displease when I don't intend. I love people and especially children because they don't try to look beyond the love, and second guess your mental analysis for it. They don't undertake anything more than a kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just a hug. Plain and simple. This world is getting so hands off and so heart off. People are actually capable of acting like they really care about you, and then abolish you from their hearts with no questions and no care. I am not capable of that type of legerdemain. I love and even when hurt, I love still. I CAN'T just 'kick' people out of my heart. I am not obsessed or consumed, I just love and care about people. Loving and caring about a man that is not my husband does not constitute an affair. If this is how life should be, I don't want to be in it. We should all be in a grotto and have all synergy with people totally stopped. I would die! It would KILL me!
I think about the choices I have made within the last 4 years. I made a choice to follow my hearts predilection to work in the ministry. What an awesome job and awesome people, but what is wrong with my choices when it comes to trusting. I trust too easy? Choices I have made in trusting people have been and seem to be once again my downfall of my heart. I trust that when someone says, "I love you," it is heartfelt and true. I hear others telling people they love them, but don't hear it often cast in my direction. When I say it, I mean it, and when I mean it, I say it. Isn't this how God intended? After first following His will, next would be to 'love one another'. I have learned and know that others are more honorable than myself and I am in awe of peoples relationships.
You hear people say that your destiny was already pre-determined. I don't believe that, but feel like, I was not in the plans to be on the world. I hunger to have a closer relationship with God, a different realtionship with God than what I have currently. I cannot seem to get anywhere in my study because I feel so lost and lessons I hear don't pertain to me and then they all pertain to me.
I am STUCK. No one reading this knows what I mean, but take my word for it, I am stuck good. I trusted, and I tried to release a demon, but I still carry it. Calls are never returned, from people I need to return my calls. I feel myself being distanced due to sharing things I ought not to share, and should have kept locked up tight. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!? Trying to pull myself out of this despair, but so very scared for what this has and will cost me! I am so very fearful of my thoughts and those that I love being hurt and disappointed.
I know I cannot do this alone, but reaching out has gotten me nowhere, except recounting the mistakes I have made. I am but a foolish error and have been thankful for the days I have been granted and for the love that I have had for others. The good in my life is my children, that is what I have done right so far, but still have to check my 'mommy manual' and stay on track.
I want people to know me, but I conceal me. I cover me with smiles and jokes and laughs. Keeping children around me lightens my heart, and always makes me smile.Staying busy keeps my mind and heart busy. 'Me, myself, and lies' Who am I and why am I here? I have never asked for anything and don't intend to start now. I am on my own with this burden, as always and will be. I just want a GPS to find the location back to the real me and the relationship with God that I envy that others have. Will I ever get there before I draw my last breath? I can see so much good in store for others but must keep myself hidden for fear of being discovered.
What is the most incredible feeling you have ever had? That feeling that made you want to laugh and cry. Whether you are male and female, I suspect that your response would be when you gave birth or witnessed the birth of your child/children/grandchildren. When I had Zachary, we were in Alaska and I also had him C-section and it was just myself and JimBob in the delivery/operating room. Within 8 minutes, I was prepped, operated on and in recovery. From 7:30 to 7:38am. I remember when they put him on my chest. He was SO BEAUTIFUL and so perfect and the drugs must have been really good because I thought, "I just gave birth to my brother." The delivery was quick and easy, but the recovery was a booger and I was 20 years old with no family at the time in Alaska. My husband was so wonderful. I was terrified that something would happen to my family flying in to Alaska, since volcano eruptions were occurring in Canada. JimBob cooked this magnificint meal of homemade chicken fried steak, potatoes and broccoli casserole and I could not eat a bite. It was overwhelming to me after the delivery. Zachary's actual due date was January 10th, and late December, the doctors said, "Oops, we estimated wrong by a month". He should have been due around December 10th. With the holidays approaching and doctors not wanting to interrupt their holidays, they opted to do a c-section on December 29th if he stayed in until then. They actually told us that I could deliver naturally but before I could push, they would have to go in and break both of Zach's shoulders. Well, anyone that knows me, should know that was NOT an option. My baby was not going to experience pain like that, and I would do anything to keep that from happening. We opted for c-section. Well, I had too much time to think. Here I am 20 years old, never had a broken bone, never had stitches, never had surgery other than my tonsils out as a toddler, and they were going to cut my baby out of me, but at least he would not go through pain. I didn't sleep a wink that night before the c-section and bless the nurses heart, she sat with me most of the night.
The doctors estimated that Zach was well over 12 pounds for being "in the oven" so long, but they were off a bit. He was only 9 pounds 12 ounces, but still a big beautiful boy. We had been told for 8 months that he was a girl. Military ultasound equipment was really bad, because there was no question at the last ultrasound. We had ALL PINK! Baby showers in Texas and mailed up to us were all girl! We had to quickly get soemthing to bring my baby boy home in. JimBob had a real problem with putting him in pink!? HAHA! I was so happy when we took him home and just felt like he did not really belong to me. I was in awe of God's blessing. How can anyone ever hold a newborn child and NOT believe there is a God. Of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy and don't most of the time. How can anyone ever see or hear a babys heartbeat and go on with an abortion? I don't understand how we have gone so backwards, when we destroy the greatest blessings that God could ever bestow on the human race!
When Zach turned one, we decided to have another child. Months passed and still no pregnancy. So we sought help and began infertility treatment. That can be very humbling and very personal. Five years we went through infertility trying everything short of invitro. I had already had three miscarriages and had decided that IF it ever happened again, we would not share until 1/2 way through, because that was the safe zone. No one needed to hurt except me. Five years of trying was unsuccessful but was a very enjoyable 5 years. We made the decision to discontinue treatments, enjoy our one blessing and get out of the Air Force and return back to Texas. The following month, I missed my cycle, but that was nothing new, so I just kept moving and the next month, same story. I ignored the signs for fear of the pain, but 3 months missing was odd. So instead of having a person tell me "not pregnant", I just bought a little kit at the BX. Ran the test and walked away, for 30 minutes, knowing I would be negative, but it wasn't, it was positive. I was now way past the questionable time frame. We were optimistically excited, but still did not share our news yet. We did finally share with the family and friends and began packing for our move. We planned to have the baby in Charleston, SC and then make the move to Texas. JimBob began checking on things and found out that he would have more than 30 days leave and we could have the baby in Texas with family. SO we packed quicker and made the move, not anticipating the reluctancy of doctors wanting to take a 36 week patient insisting on v-bac. (vaginal birth after c-section) Found and doctor and he really wanted to do the c-section so if anything started going wrong he was taking me to the OR. Well, I wanted V-bac so I waited a bit once my water broke 2 weeks early to go in. Brayden Kenneth (name after my grandfather and maternal uncle) arrived on September 9th at 3:01pm, although my water broke at 12:30am. My husband, my mom and my mother in law were present for the birth of my second son. He was such an amazing baby and I thought he was tiny, after Zach, weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces.
All that said, I think children are the greatest blessing in this life. I love/loved raising my boys and I love spending every single day with my foster children. I don't understand the circumstances that leads these wonderful children to come into my home, but I enjoy every second with them. Foster children that come from abusive and neglectful homes are only wanting to be held and loved and taken care of. Given the right environment, they can catch up to the areas that are lacking due to the abuse and neglect. I consider it such a challenge to teach everything to them that I can. Especially unconditional love and security. I have no control over the outcome of the cases, but strive to love them until they move on in the system. They are such a joy!
What a wonderful week to gather together with your family and/or friends. Although this is one year that we will NOT be gathering with anyone on the actual Thursday feast.We had Thanksgiving on Saturday so that we could enjoy Zachary's company while he was here. That was perfect for me. Both sets of parents were there, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was not as large as it usually is because people have lives. Zach needed it and we did it just for him. My mother in law (Carolyn) makes the BEST dressing in the world! It is perfect texture, perfect taste and just right! I love her dressing. Growing up, I had stuffing, and never knew the difference. I was deprived! HAHA! Growing up, I never had stuffing because it was very gummy and doughy. Carolyn's is cornbread based and does have bread, but small amounts. It is just good!
There are so many things I am thankful for, most of them being things I daily thank God...
I Am Thankful for...
My husband who I love more than the air I breathe. Marriage is a tough job, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband has been with me through hard times and good times. He is a wonderful father and wonderful man. He loves me unconditionally. Meeting him when I was 15 years old, and dating on & off for 4 years and now being married for 21 years with 2 beautiful boys.
My mother, who as a very young lady was saddled with the task of raising her small children and with no education, struggled and pushed and made her way through nursing school while working full time and raising us. She is a very compassionate and strong person and I love her so much! She has accomplished so much, but never dated until after her kids were grown. My other mother (mother in law), who has been there the last 22 years as a huge supported to me. She is one of the kindest women you will ever meet. She has such incredible love for her family and I love to hear the stories of her youth. I could not love her more if I had been born to her naturally instead of through marriage. I am thankful we don't have the typical "in-law" syndrome. Although we have had our moments and said things to hurt each other, I love her dearly.
My grandfather and grandmother. My grandfather was a quiet presence in our home, a strong presence but he worked long hours at construction and the evenings were his wind down time. My grandparents took a very active role in their grandchildren. It is because of my experience growing up with them that made me decide to not place them as guardians over my children if something should ever happen to my husband and myself. I didn't have the same relationship that the other grandchildren did. My grandparents gave of themselves daily, and gave up so much of the life they could have had by traveling and spending time with just each other.Instead they begrudgingly took care of their grandkids and kids that needed them. And they were far from perfect, but did their best to teach us what God had instructed, from their experiences, good and bad. I love them so much and miss grandma every day!
My two dads. Now since my birth father chose the non-responsible life all together, I have strong issues with men my father's age, 65+. I love my father in law and step father and wish I had a daddy growing up. Both of these men of which have earned the title of "dad" to me, I believe would go to the ends of the earth if I needed them to. I tend to keep my distance and even over the many years they have been a part of my life, I couldn't love them more than I do. They sense my resistance but would be there for anything and love my children unconditionally! What more could a girl ask for?
My children, Zachary and Brayden. The only two I was able to carry to term, Zachary arrived two weeks late and Brayden arrived two weeks early, totally different births and totally different children. I lost three pregnancies, but believe that was God's will. And to think I could've had 5 children. What a wonderful thing that would be! I am so proud of my two boys and thank the Lord every day for giving me this many days with them.
All of my family and extended family. It would take forever to write on all of them! Marcy, Lisa & I all grew up to be close, as close as sisters and I love them both so much and miss seeing them more often. My aunts and uncles always tried to fill the void my father left. I miss the family of my childhood that spent every holiday together.
My church family. I have been so blessed to be part of many church families. Mesquite CoC, Broadway (Centerville) CoC and now Johnson Street CoC. We settled in Greenville mainly because of our love for this church family and the outstanding preacher (Randy Daw) that always feeds our souls and makes us strive to better followers of Christ. We now have an exceptional youth minister (Brandon Watson) who has encouraged our youth to be servants and teaches them by example.
This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the blessings in my life. Those I love around me. I am thankful for a job I love, co-workers that I look forward to seeing every day, a roof over my head and more than I need, for my husband and children and foster children and family, friends and to live in America. Amidst, cars on fire and trucks that won't start and children moving out of state, I am a survivor and I may bend but I will NOT be broken. I will conquer my demons with the help of others, others of my choosing, that I trust, because trust is essential to healing and moving past this multi-year demon. I am grateful that my heart is open to love and never seems to have a lack of space. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it grows, but it is all good.
WOW~ Where do I go from here, or where do I start? Zachary leaves for Utah, one week from today. Friday, November 20th. I am excited for him to be going into the Northern states where he can be participating in the winter sports, his love in sports.
I am attempting to begin a journey, one that I truly believe will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Repressing memories that hurt, has always been the way I have done things. I have too much to do to dwell on events that I had no control over or that I can't change. But, does that mean that I am not to blame at all? I have heard the phrase, 'everything happens for a reason'. Well, doesn't that reason need to be evident? No, it doesn't work that was, sadly. If I live an ungodly life, shouldn't punishment come from within, where you conscience resides? My conscience is like a magnet, sticking to everything even remotely close to shame and guilt. I pray without ceasing that I can come to an understanding of me. I wonder how people see me, and if it is remotely close to the lowly person that I see. I went to a ladies retreat and a very wise young lady spoke about ME. No, it wasn't actually about me, but it sounded so much like me in every sense of the word. "labeling myself as a failure, a disappointment, stupid, ugly and ungodly". THe series was called 'cleaning out my closets', my emotional closet.
My emotional closet...how I want forgiveness for the chaos and clutter in my emotional closet and for all the stuff in my emotional closet, most of it is carried on my back every day as the burden I will bear, because I must. When can I put down my emotional baggage? I never would want anyone to 'bear my burdens' and feel so much shame in disclosing even to my most trusted in this world. I love these people more than humanly possible, but what do they think of me now? I am beginning to clean out my emotional closet, I am terrified that this journey will be taken by myself, alone. That is the worst feeling in my heart. Alone...
What does anyone really understand about me? Who am I? I am the one who is very good at hiding and covering up ME with humor and fun. I love people and I love the Lord but with both of these loves, it is not enough. I strive to please, because my imperfections will be seen. I want to come to know a God that is forgiving and full of grace. I have heard others talk about Him, but all I know is the God of wrath. Lately my heart is so heavy and anywhere I can crawl to protect others from me is where I want to be...alone...the most dreaded place in my heart.
I had someone once tell me they didn't think I was very smart. I am not higher education educated but I love to learn and I love to try new things. I like to be people smart and know what makes people happy. Does that make me worthless? Maybe to some. If you were looking through my eyes at me the answer would be 'yes'.
Love is something I give freely only hoping for a bit in return. Although love is something I think I am unworthy of. Deserving, no, what have I done to deserve that and why would someone love someone as broken as me? We are in a world that has made a mockery of love, rolling it around in the mud of sin and darkness and making you feel like it is 'wrong' to love someone. 'Wrong' to hug someone. A hug has always been the most precious thing to me. The hug of my husband or the hug of my children, my mother's hug and a rewarding hug from a friend. Hugs are such an amazing way to show you care and a hug does something to your heart. I have always been a hugger, but within the last few years was told I was 'wrong' for hugging and 'wrong' for loving. Why did I question myself? Why do I question myself? I NEVER, EVER thought of a hug as anything but a sweet, innocent embrace, between two people that care for one another. Even with my husband it is not sexual, it is an embrace of those I love.
So, where do I go and where do I turn? I am very stubborn in asking for help, because my emotional worth is very small. I inadvertantly hurt those I love, because intentionally is not my way.
Have you ever thought that everyone would be better off without you? I have a hard time believing that anything I do cannot be done by another and better. I have a hard time believeing that anyone would love someone such as me and that there is a God that can forgive and love me. I expect a judgement of harsh punishment. I have thought many times "why didn't they just kill me?" I have even been guilty of thinking "I wish they would kill me". In my emotional closet, I don't see that people WANT to truly be around me. Invitations to parties don't come my way, dinner invitations are rejected, plans to spend time with people are cancelled and lunch invitations are rarely extended. Lonely is a very sad place to be to deal with my emotional closet.
What do I want to accomplish? So much. I want to always be the happy person that I know I can be without any questions. I want to rid myself of these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I want people to WANT to be around me and enjoy my company. I want to socialize with people and learn about people. I want to not want to be gone, to disappear in order to make this world a better place. I have been told I was unwanted, unplanned, unloved, unworthy and I have bought this line because of those I trusted who said it. Of those I was supposed to trust, because of who they are/were. I pray daily but feel like I am not heard, I am unworthy of His listening ear. I am unworthy of anyones listening ear. It is a precious waste of time for others and I think that there are much worthier causes to pursue than the likes of me. Too much today we have throw away people. Parents choose someone or something over their spouses or children. I dreamed of a day that daddys never left and people never irreversably scarred people. I pray that someday everyone will forgive me and I pray that someday I will forgive myself.
Have you ever just felt like, what is it all for? What does it matter? Why do I try so hard to please everyone else? I have had the stinkin' blues and I don't know where it is coming from. Maybe being overloaded and tired and feeling like I never get a break. I bring it all on myself by trying to take care of everyone except me. Used to have girls night out and have not done that in awhile. Don't talk much to any of my friends, and who would blame them. I don't want to be in my skin and why would they want to be around me? Depression really is a hard thing to deal with. I hate it worse than anything. NO one understands unless they have been here, how it makes you feel and how you make others feel. I have 3 beautiful foster children and 2 beautiful boys and a husband I love more than the air I breathe. Why can't all that love shatter this depression? I have so much love for so many people, my family, my friends, and my church family. They are all so incredible. I am so blesses but MUST work on my past to make my furure bright. How do I do that? I know how to do it, but it is so hard to take that step and trust someone with all my faults and fears, and begin to heal from the inside out. Talking with Randy about things made me realize that there are very deep seated issues that I have never dealt with. I don't even know how to begin to deal with them. I can read every book in the library and still not be any closer to letting go of so much hurt in my heart! I feel like I am getting further and further away from the people I love. I am pushing them away and they are letting me. I don't want to be known as the one people avoid or walk on egg shells. I want to be the one that is there for people and loves all people. How dare I pray to God and ask for his help for anything. I am not worthy of God's help. There are more important things that God needs to tend to and better people to listen to their prayers. I want to know the God of love and compassion instead of the God of my childhood. The fire and brimstone wrath of God. My relationship with God has always felt like a scary relationship. It isn't supposed to be like that but how do I find the kind and forgiving God that has the hope and grace that Randy preaches about? I think that Zachary getting married has been a huge emotional issue that surfaced. He is still my baby, and I want him to have the most perfect wedding, but I can't grasp that he is all grown up and ready to start a family of his own, (beginning with a wife) and live in another state and not see him very often. I dislike that people think they can dictate what his wedding will be and start making demands of him. I know how hard it was for me to stand up to people, I know how hard it is for me today to do that. I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone, so I keep everything bottled in until someone shakes it hard enough for it to spew. And then the emotions overflow. How do I release all that and deal with it and let the burden down instead of carrying it around all my life. I want a lighter load in every sense of the word. I must start that hard journey and get working on this before I die or before it kills me!
It has been a roller coaster month for me. Learning to care for 3 foster children after being out of the game for awhile is tougher than I thought. Add me getting sick with a sinus and bladder infection, and getting worse because I don't have time to rest. The stinkiest part of all of that is I get emotional when I get sick and things that would normally not bother me, do. It is so retarded and it is something that I wish I could change about me. Well, it is at the top of the list. I pray I am on the upward mend and that I get to feeling like me again. My kiddos are precious and are almost 1, 2, and 3 years old. They keep me smiling, laughing and snuggling. My down side lately is anonymous calls and letters critiquing my life and my job. Normally it would not bother me but when I am sick, it does. Also, making a decision to write off my birth father from my life. What is it that makes a father? That is something I will never know because he was never in my life. My memories of him are not pleasant but I wanted to try to mend the relationship. He requested communication and I began, but it is not worth anymore tears and anymore thought. I am sad because I never had the opportunity to know my father and he wants me to believe that he was a victim in all of this and that my family had a hand in a lot of that. Well, sometimes you have to stand up and be a man and take care of your children. I wish I knew the definition of a father. I know some men that I think are amazing fathers and I am envious that I didn't have a daddy like that. I have a step-father and father-in-law that I love so much but there is still not that connection. There is an older friend of mine that I trust with everything in me and everything about me. Even my friends growing up had fathers, good fathers, OK fathers, but fathers none the less and fathers that are there. There for the good and there for the bad. I do think I missed out but I can't change the past and not too sure I want to. Your life takes so many different paths and I wonder why things happen. I have become a stronger and stronger person because of what my life paths were. This is my life! I have amazing family, friends, co-workers, Christian family and foster children. I love my life but I don't need the negative in my life. I see so different on so many things as many people in my life and that doesn't make it good or bad. Hateful things said or typed can NEVER be taken back and I am so careful to not hurt people, to not disappoint people and to be the best I can be as a person. I love my children SO MUCH that I would die for them. I love so many people and those people I would die for. My life is not as important as others because others do so much more for Christ than I. I feel so close to my Christian family and I have never felt the connection before. My church family is amazing and I could never explain how much I love them. If you could ask yourself, what is the thing you love to do most in this world. What would that be for you? Think about it. If you could change your life, would you? I have said 'if I could change leaving Mesquite and all my babies, I would", but would I? I think I made an uninformed decision 3 1/2 years ago but I would not change it because I love my girls from BCH and I will always stay connected to them as long as they want. They are amazing teenagers that make good decisions and bad decisions, but they know I will always be there for them if they need me. I love seeing them and catching up with their lives. Yes, I know what I love doing more than anything in the world but I can't do it all the time. My choice for that is kissing. I love kissing my husband! It is incredible and amazing and I think about him during the day and lookk forward to seeing him after work so I can kiss him. When my husband was a smoker, it was not as pleasant, but now I LOVE IT! He doesn't taste like an ashtray. After 21 years of marriage, I still LOVE to kiss him.This post has been all over the place but that is OK cause no one reads this junk anyways! HAHA! These are just my thoughts on lately and I am going to take the advice that I got today from someone that I care about a lot. INTC and no, I will never tell what that means, but it made sense to me today. I will try to never let them get me down.
Do you ever look back on the things you did as a 'youngster' and think, dang, I can't believe I did that, stupid? Well, yes and no. We all make choices and some not so great but can't we all recover from them? Yes, as long as we are able to forgive ourselves, first and ask forgiveness from the One that matters the most. I recently had a talk with a friend that I put all my trust in. I know, people will let you down and I expect none less from him, but it won't be intentional. Even though, there are certain things that we didn't talk about, the information myself and JB took away from that was incredible. Sometimes you have someone that can put something in a different perspective, a different spin on things, and it looks manageable. I have learned in the last few years that it is not all life-threatening. Might be life altering, or heart altering, but most of the time, we will survive, even though at the time it doesn't seem like it. I love people and I love having different people to turn to, to show me a different perspective. I was visiting with a friend, who I love and admire so much yesterday. Some things you can talk about with one friend and one thing another. Well, Krista was just what I needed. I have been praying for an answer to what I should do with a medical decision. My physician discovered a mass in one of my breasts, quite deep, and the radiologist suggested I come back in 6 months. Well, 6 months could mean the different of life or death IF it turns out to be something that needed to be tended to immediately. She was in the same shoes a year ago and had her mass removed immediately. It turned out to be residual scar tissue, but there are numerous abnormal cells to watch. I pray that this is all my mass turns out to be but no matter what it is, I can't change it or go back in time. I must trudge forward and do what needs to be done. The physician suggested we remove it, but I just didn't know what to do. Should have seeked the counsel of a family RN, but didn't want to trouble anybody with this. So I am waiting to schedule another mammo this week and do plan to have it removed and tested, so if you could just say a little prayer, I would appreciate it. In every marriage, you go through trials and set-backs. When I sit in retrospect and think, there are a few things I do know.
I know that I love my husband with all my soul, heart and mind.
I know that every since he and I worked together when I was 15, I have been in love with him. Maybe not love, love at 15, but that butterfly, jittery, funky feeling you get when you are kids.
I know that we have weathered many storms together, loss of jobs, loss of pregnancies, loss of loved ones and sometimes it felt like we were losing our mind.
I know that I know my husband better than anyone in this world, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I know that he was my first kiss and I hope he is my last kiss. That first kiss was a doozey, right in front of my youth minister and God.
I know that even today when I kiss my husband, I still get that feeling in my stomach and that I love kissing him more than anything in the world.
I know that my top goal in my relationship with him is to help him to get to heaven.
I know that I will love him till the day I die! I also hope I go first because I am selfish and don't want to be on this earth without him.
So, we have started rebuilding our marriage into what we need and what we want. It will take some time but with God at the top of our list, we can't go too wrong. We have began to study every night together, quietly and alone. We are looking for some good marriage books, devotional for couples and such. I want to plan to go to the Great Smokey Mountains Marriage Retreat in February and I am working to make it a reality. That reatreat is so amazing. We would love to get some couples to go with us. We spend time in classes and spend time with each other. Let's face it, when you are raising kids, you can lose sight of each other, and if you are raising other people's children you can really lose sight of each other, so it is very important to shut off the rest of the world every day and study and snuggle and kiss. It is the part of my day that I am looking forward to. I don't have to share with anyone and I don't have to barter for his attention. Some day all the distractions of children in the home will be gone and what will be left? Just us. There are people that I love dearly that I never see them touch or show any signs of affection to each other. I don't need to see anyone mugging down or anything, but an occassional touch, to hold hands or a glance that says "I love you" or even the words. Why is that so hard to say to some people? "I love you". Three little words. I make sure that I say that to those I love because it might be the last thing they every hear me say. And it is something people need to hear others say, but you need to mean it! I catch myself occassionally, just saying it, and have to remind myself, that it is not in the words but in the meaning. I love my family, and my friends, and my church family and my co-workers and everyone deserves to be loved and have someone to love, after all, love makes the world go round. ;o)
It is really hard to think about what I want on my bucket list. So many things that I wanted to do that I have already done. I guess I will list what was on my list that I have already done in red, but still might have the opportunity to do it again some day.
Run my own day care/preschool with a focus on Christian curriculum.
Open an Infant Day Care and focus on infant development and infant sign language.
Help a family get back on their feet when they are down.
Be foster parents.
Work as houseparents at a children's home.
Get a bachelors degree and maybe masters degree.
Go on a cruise with my hubby. A very past due honeymoon.
Be a mentor in a program with mothers and children trying to make it after problems.
Study with more people, and share the gospel.
Work as a mentor/counselor to help prevent abortions.
Have a vegetable/fruit garden.
Watch my grandchildren become strong, faithful Christians, following in their parents footsteps.
Parasail. Yeah, I know, I am terrified of heights but that looks wonderful. Want to do it.
Go to the top of Reunion Tower. Heights thing again, but JB wants to take me up there and always has so I might do that. Can I put my back to the glass elevators. Something about watching myself get farther, and farther off the ground. :)
There is so much I want to do, but it all involves helping people. I love people, and worry about the state of our nation. I love being a positive light for people and making people feel better. My down side is I don't have an easy time saying "no" and will walk away if I feel like there will be conflict. DO not like conflict. Life is too short to say things you will regret, in the heat of a moment. I want to spend my life loving people and laughing. I try to push negative people out of my life because I don't want that in my life and I don't need it in my life. I have stopped watching TV because it is so negative! And mostly immoral. Ask my hubby or boys, I hate the TV. Just a time waster to me. Now music is another story, love it and have it on a lot. Love to listen to Zach's orchestra concerts with the Mesquite Symphony Orchestra, and Poteet and even Kimbrough. Love high school football and anything else my kids are playing. Never had any desire to coach sports. I am sure I will think of more to add to my bucket list. By adiaos, for now.
This weekend was a really good weekend...almost. It was nice but life has a way of bringing you back to reality. As I sit and think,I listen to my washer making some really funny noises. But it is only 12 months old, maybe it is a fluke or maybe we will have issues with it. Who knows? But what is the worst that can happen? We would have to go to the laundry mat. On Friday night we went to Alicia and Gary's wedding reception. (I almost typed Alicia and Rob because that is how it has always been. I am so glad that Alicia has found Gary and she seems so happy. I don't know if I could ever be as strong as her and I really admire her so much. She really had me laughing the other day. Tragically, Rob was taken from her,(and everyone else that loved him) after having an automobile accident the night before her birthday and their anniversary. He had gone out to buy her flowers and was returning. I remember the night like it was yesterday, and all the events until I got that call from Amber telling me that Rob had passed away. He had survived the accident and was making slow progress of improvement, for I believe 4 months and then had a deadly set back. They were supposed to grow old together but that was not to be. But Gary is her second chance to love and to be loved. They are so cute together and I hope we get to spend some time getting to know him soon. They have merged two families and she has such insight into life changes and is such a bright spot in everyone's life. I questioned whether or not to go, after all, I thought it might be uncomfortable but boy, was I wrong. Some friends that we had not seen since early 2008 were there and it was so great to see Don & Shellee. Just a reminder of how much we have missed cutting up with them. Crazy family and they have added an addition to their family and he is absolutly precious and they just found out they are going to be grandparents. Saturday was a day of family togetherness. Sometimes that is good and sometimes that is bad. The jury is still out on this day. I enjoyed myself although there seemed to be a lot of tension in the air. It really did make me sad though because family is family and we all really tick everyone off sometimes and we have to forgive and forget. ALl the children need to know and be close to their cousins but a lot of these hard feelings are preventing more interaction with the family. I HATE when families fight, and avoid confrontation. I have been on both sides of the coin. I have been the hurt and the hurter. But even though I have been hurt, I want my children to be close to family. My family, his family, the whole family! I would never run down family in front of my children and never tell my children to avoid family. It makes me sad that sometimes families don't mind their own business. It is historically documented that everyone knows everything there is about children. You have millions of opinions, articles and books. But common sense should always prevail. I know my child and what my child needs, and everyone should respect that. While I have learned to SHUT MY MOUTH and not offer advice unless asked, and that can sometimes be a double edged sword too. No matter what your anser, you are in TROUBLE. Just as in the church, in the family you will have people that betray you. Yes, I said family will betray you. And that hurts so bad too, but we are not promised tomorrow and tomorrow may never come and all the anger and resentment begins anew when you get together. Why? I don't know, but I do know that I avoid confrontation like the plague! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying something really stupid. Right and wrong, sin and not is all in the individual believers thoughts. What is wrong in my eyes may not be wrong in another's eyes. Christian brothers and sisters and family can be the last to forgive and just think about the time that you have lost being angry. I don't feel like I have a lot of really close friends, just people that tolerate me, but that doesn't mean I love tham any less. Some of the people I love the most in this world are the ones that have hurt me the worst. WOW! That was a doozie of a statement, but it is true and could name a half dozen here and now. It always amazes me how an entire family can come together diferences, and anger and such and put on like nothing is happening. Is that good or bad? I just said I hate confrontation but I also hate wondering how people feel about me. That is me, the worrier. I have avoided many a family function because of a conflict and rather thatn go and feed the anger, I politely decline to make the trip. I can be a bit of a loner and want my time sometimes. But I will avoid confrontation at almost any cost! I notice my boys are like that too. They don't want to battle with anyone unless it is on Wii. I have so much love in my heart for people that sometimes I think it will explode. I am just coming to terms with everything and trying to take one day at a time. I hope no one has been offended with my blog, because that was NOT the intent, but I would like to see all our family love each other truly and with total forgiveness. I love you all!
We went into foster care with the hope of adopting a little girl to add to our family. We have secured a dual license to foster/adopt. There are times that I want to adopt a little girl so bad and times that I think, maybe we should just wait for grandchildren. Grandchildren? Are you kidding? I am only 40 years old. But adoption, at 40 years old doesn't sound to practical either. I go back and forth and the more that we have children in our home, the more I want another but is it too much to ask of God? After 5 pregnancies and 2 beautiful sons that I would die for, I wonder if there is a reason that things just don't fall into place. I love foster parenting although, I hate that it has been short termed. I would like a little more time with the children. I loved having the girls and dressing them up and fixing their hair and this little boy likes his hair "spayed" with spray hair gel. But I just don't know at all what I want to do. It seems to be either siblings where there is a girl in the group or boys that we are offered and financially speaking, day care would eat us alive. With Zach starting a life of his own and Brayden about to become a teenager, I find a struggle within myself. I hate turning down ANY children to adopt but just enjoy fostering until that special one that pulls at our heart stings comes along. I also tend to have more time with just my husband. You know, during all those child rearing years, you sometimes lose sight of each other. Going in different directions and passing like two ships in the night. But when we get time, just the two of us, it is glorious and I am enjoying getting to know him all over again on a different level. Just snuggling, or watching a movie or even cleaning out the garage together. It is quiet and for many, many years my house has been anything but quiet, from the day care to the residential home, it was always full of laughter and singing and dancing and playing. Listening to the noise from the aquarium is so relaxing. I often wonder what does the future hold for us? Another child or fostering and grandchildren? Either way is fine with me, but I have always had a very hard time telling anyone "no". So you throw in my "issue" with not saying no and my love for children and this has been very hard to figure. I want them all and a big house and to be able to be a stay at home mommy and take care of them, but that doesn't seem too realistic in the future and with the state of the economy and my check book, I guess that is only a pipe dream. Children want forever families and children deserve forever families, but what do I deserve? I still ache that Zach isn't here every night to hug and tell him that I love him, so I text him and tell him, "I love him infinity" only to get a text back saying, "I love you infinity AND beyond" or "I love you infinity times infinity". It is always a game with my boys to see who can love the mostest! Yes, I know that isn't a word, but who cares! So my struggle continues. I was told by a sweet friend that I love children more than I love myself. TO a degree, that is very true. I DO love children and their innocence and their silly laughs when nothing is really funny but their imagination. I will pray and pray and pray some more and ask that God direct me in the plan He has for my family. Our reason for our dual license was if that little girl came to us and we couldn't part, we would be licensed already. So, I guess I will just turn it over to God, or try my hardest to. I have issues with that control thing, I want to make it all fit right. I want to finish the puzzle, MYSELF, but you know what? All in all, I have a wonderful husband of 21 years and 2 wonderful sons and if that is all there is, so be it. It will still make the ending to a perfect story and will still make my life complete and my heart sing. I love my boy so much and I thank God for them daily!
And no, I am not the expert in any way shape or form on marriage, but I do know what the bible says about marriage. It says one MAN and one WOMAN for each other for life, for better or worse till death us do part. What part of that is confusing? This junk about gay, or excuse me, I must be "politically" correct, same sex marriages. Those last three words are an oxymoron. There is no such thing is same sex marriage. I hear people say, "well, if the leader says it is OK, then I guess it is OK." The leader? Are you kidding? Is our leader going to be with us in judgement? Who is going to be there when we stand before our maker? No one! Just me and my maker, and EVERY knee shall bow. Do we not think that we will be held responsible for who we checked on that ballot? I believe that He gave us free will to use common sense and put someone in that believes that God is over all creation. Marriage is so disposable today. God didn't create man to be with woman, and woman and woman and maybe a man thrown in there somewhere. I can't imagine having multiple sexual partners or multiple husbands. It has taken me 20 years to learn, and I mean REALLY learn the one that I have now. I love my husband more today than I did over 21 years ago. I loved him then but it was a mixture of love, lust, excitement and mostly lust. Being a child of divorce and being found "unfit" to date the boys in church because of the sin's of my father, I felt so lost in many ways. Why didn't my daddy love me? What did I do wrong and why did he not think of us? You learn really quick to move on and suck it up, but as a child that is really hard. My father has 2 children that are flesh and blood and even on our birthdays, we never heard from him. There is SO many broken homes and single moms and unwed pregnancies. Where did we go wrong? Children should be brought into homes with a married and committed couple, a mommy and daddy. Sex (making love) should be reserved for marriage in the committment of the marriage bed. Now, I do know kids will be kids and pregnancies happen, and it is not the end of the world but to just accept it like it is a normal as brushing your teeth twice a day? It impacts everyone involved with the baby! And I don't believe that just because a girl is pregnant that the young man should marry the young lady. Two wrongs do not make it right, and it usually is not right, and ends in divorce. Just 20 years ago a friend of mine went to Edna Gladney home to have her baby and give it up for adoption, although she chose to keep him. She was embarrised about the situation and wanted to have some peace while she was pregnant and think through her options and education. I have always wanted to open a maternity house in Greenvile like that but there is no shame at all in it anymore and therefore defeats the purpose. I wish America put more thought and more stock in marriage the way God intended! I by NO means think I am anywhere close to perfect! Very far from it, but I try to live my life to please Him and when I answer to Him I won't be embarrised. I wish people would take a better look at their spouse and TRY to work things out instead of looking for the easy way out. The children left in the wake of broken homes do not deserve that. I have seem so many children from broken homes, abused, beaten and sometimes killed. My children are the most important things in my life and it is my responsibility to teach them what a normal (as dysfuntional as it is) family does. They don't walk out on each other. They don't sleep with other people and betray each other, and they resolve conflicts TOGETHER. Raising children with a committed spouse is so incredible. Yes, there are problems but if you are committed, the problems can be resolved. I love being with my guys so much that I could live anywhere as long as we are together. My husband is the biggest blessing in my life. We have learned so much together over the last 25 years that we have been together. We have had ups and we have had downs, but we have made it through together and we probably would not have made it through apart. I definately know that there are some hurts that I could not have made it through without him. He is my rock and just having him HOLD me makes all the difference in the world.
It seems like forever since I blogged on here. There is never enough time in the day. Zachary left for basic training in February and is currently in Wichita Falls in tech school. He came home for the first time last weekend. He will come home this weekend too and it will be an extended stay until Monday! We are planning to go camping and he will spend all day Monday with his brother until he leaves at 4pm to head back for his GI party. This week I have been posting a lot of pictures on Facebook of friends and family. They have generated many comments, from how crazy were we to I really miss that person. Missing people just becomes an ache that never goes away. It may dull for a while and then something reminds you again. I have a belief that we are on this earth to prepare for our eternity in heaven. I struggle with our family and friends that feel like material things are so important and makes you the person you are. Too many times America places so much importance on WHAT you have instead of who you are and WHAT you do for other people. It would be such a lonely existence if our reality was our perception of ourselves. Some people think that it is ALL about them and if they were in a world with just them, how would they feel? It is NOT about me and anyone that knows me, knows that I dislike public recognition. I have a job to do at work and in life and it is expected of me, not hoped for. I was raised with the belief that there will be a consequence for every behavior and I EXPECTED that consequence good or bad. Consequences for children is so important. They know they are loved by the lessons that you teach them and the lessons that they teach themselves. I loved a lot and I lost a lot. I learned the hard lesson that people you trust with your soul will betray you and will turn their backs on you before they ever know the truth. I learned that children will say anything to get any kind of attention and spend the rest of their lives trying to right the wrong that they caused. I learned that parents in America don't have a clue how to raise a healthy, normal, self-conscious child without letting their egos and desires tear up their families. I learned that my family is so strong and so loving that we can get through anything. On heart ache and pain, I could write a book, just from the lessons I have learned and continue to learn the last 3 years. I have always tried to operate my thinking and my thoughts on children through love first. How would you feel at that age if you were in the child's shoes? Had I worn the shoes of some of the children I have had the privilege of caring for, I might be in a padded institution. Breaking the cycle, is what must be taught. No parent is perfect and no human is above reproach. I am so afraid for America because our kids struggle to learn in school because the teachers don't have a lot of options when it comes to teaching. I also think we lack the common sense that parents need. Just because I was told to do something did not mean I would do it. Was it right? Was it moral? Was it in the best interest of that child? The best interest of the child. Now, that is a loaded phrase. If we don't teach our children now to work hard and not be slackers, or that they don't have to do anything unless there is something in it for them, what are we creating? I love children. I love babies! Their innocence and pure love is incredible. What happens to that? When do they figure out that the world is not all giggles and grins and that life hurts? I guess for every human there is a different time frame for them. Boundaries and obligations and being politically correct? When did we come up with all these words and throw out our common sense. When did we decide that to tell a child "I love you" was mis-leading and giving a false sense of life? When did a hug become a boundary issue and make you question yourself and the reason for that hug? I never thought of a hug as a bad thing. Hugs are the most amazing thing next to your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your spouse. There is no better feeling than to hug a friend. Some friends have the most amazing hugs. I was raised in a home where we hugged. My aunts are the greatest huggers in the world, and my mom, and they have all had much practice. I have thrown out the hang ups that I learned and am back to trying to love more. I can't answer for anyone but me and I know me and I know what I am made of. I know that I will love my husband until the day I die and I know my children are my heart and my soul. I know that my family is so strong that nothing can shake it and I know I still love all the people that betrayed me. I also know I never want to hurt a person the way I was hurt. I could never live with myself if my job was so important that I was willing to flex my morals and my beliefs and stomp on anyone's heart. People are important and people are worth saving. No job should ever make you question you. I have questioned myself many a time, and ultimately I know who I am and I thought the people I loved knew who I was too. Since you can't change the past or people, I will work on changing me. I will work on loving more and reaching out more to those that have less than me, especially those that do not have as many people around that love them as I do. And whether you want to love me or not, I WILL love you and I will pray for you as I do every night for the children that I have been blessed to have in my life. Don't waste a minute hating or being angry. Chalk it up for what it is, the devil working hard, and love like there is no tomorrow.
I don't even know where to start...ugh! Zach is in Biloxi Mississippi in tech school for Avionic Electronics working on the f-15 Fighter jet. He is supposed to be there 16 weeks, but rumor has it, he will be there 8 weeks, so we shall see! Then he will come to Sheppard AFB in Witchita Falls for 13 weeks. Hopefully that one will not be cut short! Three hours away, beats 9!
We are officially foster parents for the state of Texas and patiently (yeah!) waiting for our first child!
