Out of the darkness into the light

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28

I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.

I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.

I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.

I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.

I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.

I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.