This week has proven to be anything but smooth. Geez, if I could just get things to hang on the walls at work, that would be ONE accomplishment. I think the ghosts at work come and put things off, especially the sign that says,"First God created man, And then He had a better idea." HA! I have NO control over the things staying one the wall.
So, I am learning more about myself than I ever anticipated. I am a conflict and emotional avoider. I avoid conflict like the plague and put my emotions on the back burner until they just have to boil over. Conflict and arguments are pointless because nobody wins. Or do they? I can see no winner to conflict. And the conflict I am referring to is fighting, arguing, name calling. Not the conflict of "I believe abortion is wrong for any reason."
Learning that things in your past have had control over you is hard to process. My father is one thing that has had control over me, let's just refer to a life changing event as "it", and a job I left reluctantly due to the control I allowed someone to have.
- My father, A.K.A, my sperm donor. Period, plain and simple, the man that provided the sperm, and that was just about all. Within a period of 20 months, my parents had two babies. Overwhelming? Sure, but enough to make you walk away? My feelings of never being good enough, never smart enough, never measuring up and always being a disappointment to those I love. Notice, I didn't say those that love me. Can you still love if you are disappointed? Well, I can, but some people can't. So many things are beyond my relm of thinking, and being disappointed and to stop loving is not in my comprehension. Even when someone disappoints me or better still, betrays me, I still love them and forgive them if they ask for that of me. That does not mean that I will let them hurt me again. Wonder why I don't measure up? Or feel like I don't? Maybe because my father never made an attempt to contact me for 15+ years. 15 years of my childhood. My childhood that desperately wanted a daddy to care about ME! Maybe because he has made no quams about the fact that he was intoxicated when I was conceived; unplanned and unwanted. Maybe it is because he has indicated that I am a failure as a daughter, a disgrace, disrespectful and an embarrassment. Maybe it is because he wants ME to shoulder all the blame for our damaged relationship and maybe I am going to refuse to do just that. I want to stop allowing him to control me and the way I feel about me. I have to stop letting these men control me and the way I am living.
- The hard "it". I have to let go of the responsibility of this. But it is attached like a cancer very deeply rooted and intertwined through out my body and soul. I have allowed this and even pushed it further into hiding for fear of being exposed and broken. It has too much control over me and every aspect of my life. Talk about never being good enough, doesn't even begin to hit the nail on the head. Keep the weight up and keep the fear down. The fear of being hurt. What if "it" was the next membership placed at my church? What would I do? How would I handle this? First thing that comes to mind is...I think I would just vomit! And since I avoid conflict, then and now, this is why we have come to this place. I am not stupid, dumb, "blond", or unintelligent. I am not the brightest tool in the shed but like any other tool that is used for it's purpose, it does show signs of wear and tear. My scars are hidden deep within my heart.
- The boss. Why just because someone tells you that you are worthless and ignorant, and have a bad marriage and are a bad parent, does that mean it is true? No, but why does the control take over your brain and hurt your heart? Why do I LET him have control? What am I afraid of? The threats, the talk, the lies. Do I believe them? No, Although I work daily to try to be worth something. Ignorant, I don't think so, Bad marriage? Well, now it is not a Cinderella story but it has it's good days and it's bad days! Bad parent? Well, that would have to be answered by my boys and the children I have taken care of. That is not something I can answer. I expected people that were in my life to stand up for what was right. To stand up for me. But I know I expected too much. I just could not leave someone I care about thinking they were worthless because someone said they were. No job is worth losing my dignity, betraying a friend or turning my back on God. Even a job that I dearly loved. Leaving the children I loved and told that I would NOT leave them. And I would not have left them. I would still be there scratching my head and trying to figure out how to please those whose pleasure changes daily and sometimes hourly. Why have I allowed these 3 men to control my life, my emotions and my heart? I don't know, but that is what I hope to learn.
I do find myself sad about ways people treat others. And I don't understand it. I used to let my anger get the best of me and now I fear getting angry for fear of hurting someone or saying you cannot ever take back. I vividly remember my anger and the things I said, hurtful things, although they were true, did not need to be voiced. Everyone has free will to do and say what they wish.
There are many funerals that have taken place at JS. The saddest ones to me are the ones that only have maybe 50 people, and I think, "Is this what my funeral will be like?" Barely any pews full or people there just because they 'ought' to. I have been to funerals that the church is packed and people are squeezing in tight to be present because the deceased touched so many lives. I want to be kind and touch lives but to do this, I must lose this fear and overcome the 'control' that others have over me, but only in my mind, because I still hear the things. I have had NO closure with any of these 3 events. I doubt I ever will. I pray that God knows me and that He is the only one with control over me.
I thank God daily for my family, my friends and my church family and co-workers. I can't imagine going to a job I dread. I hate missing work because I love the people there. The tasks keep me busy but the people make it enjoyable. The pay isn't great but it is a paycheck and for that I am grateful. Everything can be gone in a flash, but if I have those that I love beside me, I can get through anything!
