The biggest question in our home right now...

We went into foster care with the hope of adopting a little girl to add to our family. We have secured a dual license to foster/adopt.
There are times that I want to adopt a little girl so bad and times that I think, maybe we should just wait for grandchildren. Grandchildren? Are you kidding? I am only 40 years old. But adoption, at 40 years old doesn't sound to practical either. I go back and forth and the more that we have children in our home, the more I want another but is it too much to ask of God? After 5 pregnancies and 2 beautiful sons that I would die for, I wonder if there is a reason that things just don't fall into place.
I love foster parenting although, I hate that it has been short termed. I would like a little more time with the children. I loved having the girls and dressing them up and fixing their hair and this little boy likes his hair "spayed" with spray hair gel. But I just don't know at all what I want to do.
It seems to be either siblings where there is a girl in the group or boys that we are offered and financially speaking, day care would eat us alive.
With Zach starting a life of his own and Brayden about to become a teenager, I find a struggle within myself. I hate turning down ANY children to adopt but just enjoy fostering until that special one that pulls at our heart stings comes along.
I also tend to have more time with just my husband. You know, during all those child rearing years, you sometimes lose sight of each other.
Going in different directions and passing like two ships in the night.
But when we get time, just the two of us, it is glorious and I am enjoying getting to know him all over again on a different level. Just snuggling, or watching a movie or even cleaning out the garage together. It is quiet and for many, many years my house has been anything but quiet, from the day care to the residential home, it was always full of laughter and singing and dancing and playing.
Listening to the noise from the aquarium is so relaxing. I often wonder what does the future hold for us? Another child or fostering and grandchildren? Either way is fine with me, but I have always had a very hard time telling anyone "no". So you throw in my "issue" with not saying no and my love for children and this has been very hard to figure. I want them all and a big house and to be able to be a stay at home mommy and take care of them, but that doesn't seem too
realistic in the future and with the state of the economy and my check book, I guess that is only a pipe dream.
Children want forever families and children deserve forever families, but what do I deserve? I still ache that Zach isn't here every night to hug and tell him that I love him, so I text him and tell him, "I love him infinity" only to get a text back saying, "I love you infinity AND beyond" or "I love you infinity times infinity". It is always a game with my boys to see who can love the mostest! Yes, I know that isn't a word, but who cares!
So my struggle continues. I was told by a sweet friend that I love children more than I love myself. TO a degree, that is very true. I DO love children and their innocence and their silly laughs when nothing is really funny but their imagination.
I will pray and pray and pray some more and ask that God direct me in the plan He has for my family. Our reason for our dual license was if that little girl came to us and we couldn't part, we would be licensed already. So, I guess I will just turn it over to God, or try my hardest to. I have issues with that control thing, I want to make it all fit right. I want to finish the puzzle, MYSELF, but you know what? All in all, I have a wonderful husband of 21 years and 2 wonderful sons and if that is all there is, so be it. It will still make the ending to a perfect story and will still make my life complete and my heart sing. I love my boy so much and I thank God for them daily!