My Childhood and a House

When I think of my childhood, one thing remains to the forefront although it is not the most important part of my childhood. My childhood house is always at the center of my memories. We lived in a house in Michagan when my parents were still together, and when we moved to Texas we lived in, I believe 2 apartments. The one I remember we lived in before the house was a 3 bedroom, roomy, and mom & I shared one room, grams & gramps another and my brother & uncle Kenny in the 3rd. I remember those apartments had an older boy that would always try to corner me, until he finally did. I was very glad to move out of there and into the house. The back yard was huge and the mean boy was not here.

So, from the middle of the 1st grade until I married, my address was 1405 Buena Vista, Mesquite, TX 75149 and my phone number was always 285-1108. That was before the time of having to dial area codes. Yes, it is dating me, but it is my life and dated it will be! I went to Hanby Elementary for Kindergarten and 1/2 of 1st grade. Our street was the dividing line for schools. On Buena Vista you went to Tisinger Elementary and Alta Vista, you went to Hanby Elementary. So, we moved schools.

It was at Tisinger that I met my best friend and the best part was that she lived across the street from me! We were in every class together until 6th grade.Our summers were spent outside and driving into the street today, I can remember us running barefoot in the streets just after the rain and the water running by the curb was our river. We made lots of paper and wooden 'boats' to float and run and follow. We climbed trees and jumped on trampolines and swan A LOT after my grandparents put in our swimming pool. We would gather by the patio door and sit and watch the people putting the pool in and anticipate it getting done. It seemed like it took forever to fill the pool up with the garden hose, but it was finally ready and that is where the majority of my childhood took place.

So heading into Mesquite today, Brayden learned that his new phone could not show youtube videos all the way to Mesquite and sustain the battery.

When we arrived to the house, the only residents that still remain at 1405 Buena Vista were there. And greatly offended that we were disturbing them. Daffy, Daisey and Doofus Duck. My grandfather strongly disliked them taking up house in his shed and residing most of the time in the pool. He would say, "those stupid ducks are pooping in my pool". I tried to convince him to put on of those signs out that said, "  OOL, notice there is not P in our pool, let's keep it that way!" He said something about ducks not being able to read, but oh, gramps, they can read you and love to get your feathers ruffled!

It was a very sad day, going into my home but it was not my home anymore. Without the furniture and pictures and especially the people, what made the home so special has passed away with them. It was the ending of a era for me. Closure was in order but I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. Curtains are still on the windows and the only left to be picked up is 2 microwaves. I just didn't think the house would belong to anyone except us. My grandparents bought the house for, I believe $16,OOO. What an investment and gathering place for many years for family. Children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Friends and church family frequented this home. I thought I would share the pictures with anyone interested.

Thinking back in time...

I am so excited! My cousin, Marcy is coming to visit this month after 7 years of being in Washington. Our time will be limited, but each minute will be precious. Marcy is my younger cousin, by a whole 4 months. She and I were almost inseparable as kids. We spent as much time as we could, with her living in Richardson and me in Mesquite.As young children we were always dressed alike, like twins and were always asked if we were twins. We loved it. She and I have been talking about childhood memories since our gramps passed away. We would have tea parties at the bottom of the swimming pool and 'try' to have conversations at these tea parties while our butts would float to the top of the water. It was so funny and so fun! Gymnastics were always the name of our game and I could only be better than Marcy when she would be down with two broken legs from trying to do her gymnastics on the railing over a bridge, and her balance was not the greatest that day. We did sit ups on the side of the swimming pool and every different position going down our spiral slide. Diving competitions were always in order as well as flips, jack knives, the occasional back busters! The boys always had to challenge us. But when it was just us, we enjoyed laying out on the trampoline watching the stars and talking, eating honey suckles across the street at the Church of Christ, barbies and puzzles.

One Christmas we set out to complete a candy puzzle. It was like Halloween candy dumped in a pile and was so hard! But we did it, working night and day, sleeping, talking and puzzling. One trip we took to Emerald Isle, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places we went to, we took 'sexy' pictures in our room. Marcy had long, beautiful legs and I had these short, pathetic legs. Very un-sexy! Oh the things we talked about while traveling in her family's Cadillac. We sat facing each other on the floor with our feet towards each other over the hum, because the seats were Armour All'd and we would slide everywhere when the car turned. So we always took up shop in the floor. We drew and wrote our latest crushes names on paper. "Farland's Darlin" and "Jimbo's Bimbo". Yes, I know but what rhythms with Jimbo? I can't even remember who Marcy wrote down, but I didn't date a whole lot and have only a handful of boyfriends.

Sheltered would have been a good word for me. I had boyfriends but they would break up when I wouldn't kiss or do what they wanted. Boys were yucky and they did NOT have good oral hygiene and I was obsessed with oral hygiene and still am. (ask my husband about that obsession!) Raised in a very strict household, I was taught the finer parts of life, according to the teachers. Shorts were not allowed for a long time and were eventually allowed if to the knees. I practiced and had try-outs for majorette (You know band baton twirler) and made it but was not allowed to continue because the costumes were inappropriate. I played the flute and loved band. In high school I was on the flag corp and even played drums my freshman year because they had too many flutes. I played these HUGE, heavy cymbals! It was terrible! Marching with those things was tiring. Being part of the "Mighty Maroon Band' under the direction of the perfectionist band director was fun and hard, but it made us strive to be better than our best and NO ONE wanted him to get angry.

Getting back to Marcy. We did so much together within the youth group at Mesquite Church of Christ. Canoe trip was a blast when we tied our canoe to the canoe of two boys, one of whom Marcy was dating and the other was my youth group crush. I went with our youth group on a ski trip to Breckenridge, CO and a mission trip to LaJolla, California to put on a VBS for the local church. It was so much fun. But the best part of all of that is the friends I had in the Mesquite Youth group, I still have. We are still in contact and I have helped raise some of their children in my day care/preschool in Mesquite. My best friends of my youth are still my best friends of my adult life and some more have been added. Marcy was a big part of my youth group, when she came to stay with us. Life was good.

Life is good. Fast forward to today...There are many things that I am guilty of and poor choices to ask forgiveness for. I love to laugh. I love being happy. I love to joke and I love people. I try so very hard to not ever judge anyone. We are all flawed and we are all imperfect. Some of us have been through things that others have not been through, and some of those things have tempted to destroy. I want more than anything to rewind, about 6 months and make a different choice. How can you have resolution when you can't trust another person with your struggle? Sometimes it feels like there are only road blocks in the progression of my resolution to heal. It totally feels like this was meant to destroy me. I try so hard to cover and hide the pain in my heart and do well most of the time but I don't like the game. I want to have resolution and I want to have closure and I want to stop feeling like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, exposing raw heart and soul.

My choice to trust has come with a very high price. Misplaced trust, misunderstood trust and misguided trust. I have never felt such betrayal and being taken advantage of. Trusting those with my pain, expecting the help I need and being left to finish this nightmare by myself. Scared? Yes, very. I just want resolution. I am done talking about it, the events and the choices, but I want to feel like I can move on and know that God will go with me. I am SO afraid of telling anyone, ever. Judgments, guilt, blame. I am actually stunned at my choice of a trusted friend. I have never trusted men, never had a reason to, other than my husband. My perceptions of men are that they will leave, hurt, make excuses and be untrustworthy. I feel myself wanting to trust men more, because I have met men that deserve my trust. They already have my respect and admiration, and slowly they are gaining my trust. I am learning what the "Father, Christ" can mean to my life in the context that I should know Him. Not as the unforgiving, just waiting till I screw up again, and 'fire and brimstone' God of my youth. I remember going to bed every night and praying, trying so hard to remember EVERY sin I might have committed that day and asking forgiveness for them and worrying that I forgot one and that if I died, I would go to hell for that one sin.

I heard a preacher preach that about 2 years ago and was very upset about it. When I was trying to teach my at-risk girls that God is forgiving, the message that they got that night was "one sin can keep you from heaven". Just the opposite of what I had been studying with them. The study was as much for me as it was for them. We were learning together. There is nothing I love more than studying the bible with someone. I don't know who learns more. I love young people and their uncanny wit.

So what do I want to accomplish? And do I have a plan? I want to bury this guilt, and bury this demon. Can I do it alone?  Alone is not an option and seeking out another stranger is not an option either. Have I hit a dead-end? I hope not. I want to be back to the unassuming, carefree, and very good at hiding my pain person again. No one deserves this, but me. There are times that I look back and I think that maybe my life was not meant to be. What then?

I have a plan for a good many things. What is that song, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I know my intentions were the best. I will press on and I will fight and I hope to win before this beats me. Most days my thoughts are in the right place, and I know exactly what to do and where to go but today, I am tired and I am lost. I will pray that tomorrow brings peace again and other happy thoughts come into my heart. I love those that have been here for me and I truly appreciate and pray daily for all of my heart strings.

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings,

People that have never had depression themselves will inadvertently tell a depressed person, 'just snap out of it' or 'count your blessings'. If we could have snapped out of it, we would have SNAPPED a LONG time ago! And counting our blessings is a good thing but not something someone wants to hear, as if we are being selfish and not thinking of others.

The Lord has truly sent blessings my way. I do believe that most men would have walked away from me a long time ago and knowing the things he knows now, he still would have that right. This was not part of the agreement, was NOT in the initial contact, not what he bargained for. Deep in my thinking, is embedded the belief that "MEN LEAVE". They just glance at something better, get bored, get overwhelmed, and get walking. I had seen this my whole life. Beginning with my father and my family. Families destroyed by divorce and children destroyed by abandonment, physical and/or emotional. There is nothing sadder to watch than a child waiting for a parent to pick them up for a visit and the parent never shows. No different than and elderly person waiting in the nursing home for someone that loves them to visit. But back to my initial thought. I know what my heart is doing, as it pushes those away that I love. My hurt is deep enough and I don't want others hurt by it also. My husband, although he wants to KNOW, has been a source of strength and a source of love. I often tease him about his 'wild days', and he was definitely a wild one, but I believe he has stayed true to me during our marriage. I just don't understand some things but I do understand that he loves me. Why is that so hard to accept for me? To be loved? Maybe I think I am too much work. Every since I was 15 years old, and had glanced at the smile on a boy at work, I have been smitten. 26 years this man has been in my heart and the key is no longer available. There is lots more room for me to love but not to get the love I have for him out. My first kiss, my first date, my first many. I don't think I deserve a man like this and I am so very thankful for him! I love you honey and thank you for standing by me and for holding me up when I became too weak to stand.

Love One Another

The one thing I try to remember when dealing with anyone, but especially my Christian family is to "LOVE ONE ANOTHER". If above all we think of each other with this phrase, wouldn't it make our lives better. Wouldn't it shut off the gossip and plug up the negative. What if we thought about today as our last day that God was granting us. Would we still sit at lunch and gossip about someone who we 'think' is not doing the job properly or bad talk someone that made a mistake? I prefer to reminise with those I love and I prefer to laugh and love. What if that was the last thing your friend heard you say? Is that what you would want them to think of as they left this earth? If we knew that something was said that was wrong, why don't we stand up and speak up for what is right. People, families, organizations and congregations can get so discouraged and discontented by the gossip and the assumptions. We are all human but we seem to gravitate to the negative and what a waste of time and energy that is. I would rather spend my energy and my time laughing and making others happy. By encouraging instead of discouraging. A smile is a free gift you can give another person, and it is so contagious and makes you feel wonderful! Have you ever caught someone smiling at you across the room? Could you keep from smiling back? Children are watching everything we do and say. Is this what we want to pass on to our future generation, our future leaders and our future churches? Let people live and be happy. It seems that when someone is truly happy, others get envious and start prodding to break them down. Why must we do this? What does it accomplish? My heart is so full of love and the best thing to collect is more love to expand it more. Isn't this the expansion that we want in our bodies and in our lives? My expansion is in my waist line, but my increase in weight should be because our hearts are expanding because we are loving more. Our blood pressures would go down and our stress levels would decrease and we would all find more joy and more pleasure in just spending time with each other. There is no greater joy than to have a meal with friends and for there to be no gossip, assumptions or criticism. More people want to talk about what others are not doing right instead of digging their heels in and getting their hands dirty for a marvelous cause. If everyone that critisized and gossip put that much energy into the work of the Lord, can you imagine what a wonderful place this would be. Just by starting one hour a day and to say for this hour, I WILL NOT judge another, I will love completely and I will be a light to those around me. One hour at a time, one day at a time and one week at a time. It is an easy habit to break, by taking small steps, and I can speak from experience because I used to participate in this sin, and it got me nowhere, it made me sad, and it kept me from doing the Lord's work. What a sad existance that was. Seeing what I didn't like to see in the mirror, and wanting something more, I set out to change it, one hour at a time. It didn't matter that I was angry because my father walked out, or that things happened to me beyond my control. I still had the choice to make each hour. Was I going to let the devil win or was I going to strive to live for the Lord? I chose good, happy, loving and POSITIVE. I chose to encourage my firends and I love to encourage those I love. I still have days when the devil tries to win, but I can say, "Get away from me satan!" and get my hour back in check. It doesn't always work that quickly but what a waste it is. For every hour of anger, sadness, bitterness and negativity, I shall never get that back. I chose NOT to live that way and you can chose your way and whatever you chose, I will not judge you for your life is yours alone, and I want to answer my Savior with "yes, Lord, I believe I made a difference for Your Kingdom." If you are reading this, know that I love you and care for you and hope that you have an amazing day!

2010

I love to put up my Christmas decorations and love to take them down. It is just that we have always taken down our Christmas decorations before December 29th because we didn't want to have them up on Zachary's birthday. Well, I am gonna stick with that. Christmas is coming down.
With 2010 coming up, my changes are to better me...

• My relationship with God must be closer, better and more understanding. I have already began a private bible study to achieve this for myself. This is a very attainable goal and I am excited about it.
  
• As always, I want to lose weight but this year WILL be different. I have a wedding in February and I want to feel better and have less pain on my knees, at the least.
• I want to lose enough weight so that I can go on the Bone Marrow Transplant list. I donate blood as often as I can, but losing my step father, Paul to leukemia, has heightened my awareness for this need.
• I also want to do a walk in honor of my sweet grandmother who fought the battle twice with cancer before it took her home.
• Diabetes is an area that I want to also do a walk or help to raise awareness of this disease. My maternal grandparents both have suffered with this disease. One of my children in residential care has childhood diabetes and is insulin dependent. I took every class I could and learned as much as possible to help him live better and longer. He is precious! This is a disease I fear.
• I want to have knee replacement surgery to be able to have a more active life. I have been told for 20 years that my knees are bone on bone, but what other options do I have? My current insurance won't cover anything for 2 years, so I suck it up and move on. Mind over matter. I mind but it doesn't matter! HAHA!
• I want to lose weight so I can do more with missions at least once a year.
• I also want to start back to school and find a way to pay for it. It is important to me to better myself. 
• I want to put my past in the past and stop assuming responsibility for everything.  I have learned so much this year and have put my trust in others.
  

My goals for 2010 are set and I am not waiting for any of it until the New Year. My changes start NOW.
The changes have already started. I want to be a light to those around me and make those around me laugh and smile. (you know I could be REALLY funny with that one!) I can ONLY change me! I can't change my hubby or my boys, but I can make a difference with myself and I am gonna go full speed to accomplish this. I am so blessed with family and friends I love so much. My church family is so amazing and my heart is always thinking of ways to help them and keep things light and happy within the walls.


My life is amazing and my heart is full of love, the love of God and the love of others. It is what this is all about! Life, to love and live and teach others about the love of God.

What does "control" mean to you?

This week has proven to be anything but smooth. Geez, if I could just get things to hang on the walls at work, that would be ONE accomplishment. I think the ghosts at work come and put things off, especially the sign that says,"First God created man, And then He had a better idea." HA! I have NO control over the things staying one the wall.
So, I am learning more about myself than I ever anticipated. I am a conflict and emotional avoider. I avoid conflict like the plague and put my emotions on the back burner until they just have to boil over. Conflict and arguments are pointless because nobody wins. Or do they? I can see no winner to conflict. And the conflict I am referring to is fighting, arguing, name calling. Not the conflict of "I believe abortion is wrong for any reason."
Learning that things in your past have had control over you is hard to process. My father is one thing that has had control over me, let's just refer to a life changing event as "it", and a job I left reluctantly due to the control I allowed someone to have.

1. My father, A.K.A, my sperm donor. Period, plain and simple, the man that provided the sperm, and that was just about all. Within a period of 20 months, my parents had two babies. Overwhelming? Sure, but enough to make you walk away? My feelings of never being good enough, never smart enough, never measuring up and always being a disappointment to those I love. Notice, I didn't say those that love me. Can you still love if you are disappointed? Well, I can, but some people can't. So many things are beyond my relm of thinking, and being disappointed and to stop loving is not in my comprehension. Even when someone disappoints me or better still, betrays me, I still love them and forgive them if they ask for that of me. That does not mean that I will let them hurt me again. Wonder why I don't measure up? Or feel like I don't? Maybe because my father never made an attempt to contact me for 15+  years. 15 years of my childhood. My childhood that desperately wanted a daddy to care about ME! Maybe because he has made no quams about the fact that he was intoxicated when I was conceived; unplanned and unwanted. Maybe it is because he has indicated that I am a failure as a daughter, a disgrace, disrespectful and an embarrassment. Maybe it is because he wants ME to shoulder all the blame for our damaged relationship and maybe I am going to refuse to do just that. I want to stop allowing him to control me and the way I feel about me. I have to stop letting these men control me and the way I am living.
2. The hard "it". I have to let go of the responsibility of this. But it is attached like a cancer very deeply rooted and intertwined through out my body and soul. I have allowed this and even pushed it further into hiding for fear of being exposed and broken. It has too much control over me and every aspect of my life. Talk about never being good enough, doesn't even begin to hit the nail on the head. Keep the weight up and keep the fear down. The fear of being hurt. What if "it" was the next membership placed at my church? What would I do? How would I handle this? First thing that comes to mind is...I think I would just vomit! And since I avoid conflict, then and now, this is why we have come to this place. I am not stupid, dumb, "blond", or unintelligent. I am not the brightest tool in the shed but like any other tool that is used for it's purpose, it does show signs of wear and tear. My scars are hidden deep within my heart.
3. The boss. Why just because someone tells you that you are worthless and ignorant, and have a bad marriage and are a bad parent, does that mean it is true? No, but why does the control take over your brain and hurt your heart? Why do I LET him have control? What am I afraid of? The threats, the talk, the lies. Do I believe them? No, Although I work daily to try to be worth something. Ignorant, I don't think so, Bad marriage? Well, now it is not a Cinderella story but it has it's good days and it's bad days! Bad parent? Well, that would have to be answered by my boys and the children I have taken care of. That is not something I can answer. I expected people that were in my life to stand up for what was right. To stand up for me. But I know I expected too much. I just could not leave someone I care about thinking they were worthless because someone said they were. No job is worth losing my dignity, betraying a friend or turning my back on God. Even a job that I dearly loved. Leaving the children I loved and told that I would NOT leave them. And I would not have left them. I would still be there scratching my head and trying to figure out how to please those whose pleasure changes daily and sometimes hourly. Why have I allowed these 3 men to control my life, my emotions and my heart? I don't know, but that is what I hope to learn.

I do find myself sad about ways people treat others. And I don't understand it. I used to let my anger get the best of me and now I fear getting angry for fear of hurting someone or saying you cannot ever take back. I vividly remember my anger and the things I said, hurtful things, although they were true, did not need to be voiced. Everyone has free will to do and say what they wish.

There are many funerals that have taken place at JS. The saddest ones to me are the ones that only have maybe 50 people, and I think, "Is this what my funeral will be like?" Barely any pews full or people there just because they 'ought' to. I have been to funerals that the church is packed and people are squeezing in tight to be present because the deceased touched so many lives. I want to be kind and touch lives but to do this, I must lose this fear and overcome the 'control' that others have over me, but only in my mind, because I still hear the things. I have had NO closure with any of these 3 events. I doubt I ever will. I pray that God knows me and that He is the only one with control over me.

I thank God daily for my family, my friends and my church family and co-workers. I can't imagine going to a job I dread. I hate missing work because I love the people there. The tasks keep me busy but the people make it enjoyable. The pay isn't great but it is a paycheck and for that I am grateful. Everything can be gone in a flash, but if I have those that I love beside me, I can get through anything!

Doing what I must do, but letting go is NOT my strong suit....

This has been a very good week. But as this week comes to a close, the beginning of next week will attest to be a week of cessation. My sweet girls will be moved to a family placement. This was always in the plans and reunification is always the plan for the children. I just fell so deeply in love with them. Oh my! Precious, beautiful and funny! They have come SO far in the 4 months that we have been blessed to enjoy them. ECI and the caseworker both praised their progress with us. Caseworker said they have made so much progress and really blossomed while they have been in out care. Both say that they have so much interaction, love and security with us and we have provided them so much. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Love 'em as long as we can and teach them as much as possible. I have to go into this thinking it is not perpetual and is time limited as I did with day care. Otherwise, I would just crumble. But I know that I did everything humanly possible to provide them with love and security. I am so greatful for my church family who loved them like they were never leaving. And for my friends that brought me plenty of 'love-me-downs' and took pictures that I will treasure forever! They have forever left a mark on my heart and I hope I have left something with them. Even if the memories fade, they still remember something, if event he song that I sang to them when the moon was full or visable, "I see the moon and the moon sees me, the moon sees the one that I long to see, so God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the one that I long to see." It gives me solice to know that we are both under the same moon and pray they are as happy as their two precious souls deserve to be! I pray they remember how much they loved bible class and I am so thankful for the bible class teachers that loved and taught them while they were in our home. Thank you all so much! And for Randy and Brandon that were so sweet and played with them. I hope that when she drives by the church she remembers good feelings and security. So as I spend my last few days and hours with my girls and I prepare them to move on, I will pray without ceasing that God watches over them. Thank you to all you that loved them!