Children are a gift from God.

What is the most incredible feeling you have ever had? That feeling that made you want to laugh and cry. Whether you are male and female, I suspect that your response would be when you gave birth or witnessed the birth of your child/children/grandchildren. When I had Zachary, we were in Alaska and I also had him C-section and it was just myself and JimBob in the delivery/operating room. Within 8 minutes, I was prepped, operated on and in recovery. From 7:30 to 7:38am. I remember when they put him on my chest. He was SO BEAUTIFUL and so perfect and the drugs must have been really good because I thought, "I just gave birth to my brother." The delivery was quick and easy, but the recovery was a booger and I was 20 years old with no family at the time in Alaska. My husband was so wonderful. I was terrified that something would happen to my family flying in to Alaska, since volcano eruptions were occurring in Canada. JimBob cooked this magnificint meal of homemade chicken fried steak, potatoes and broccoli casserole and I could not eat a bite. It was overwhelming to me after the delivery. Zachary's actual due date was January 10th, and late December, the doctors said, "Oops, we estimated wrong by a month". He should have been due around December 10th. With the holidays approaching and doctors not wanting to interrupt their holidays, they opted to do a c-section on December 29th if he stayed in until then. They actually told us that I could deliver naturally but before I could push, they would have to go in and break both of Zach's shoulders. Well, anyone that knows me, should know that was NOT an option. My baby was not going to experience pain like that, and I would do anything to keep that from happening. We opted for c-section. Well, I had too much time to think. Here I am 20 years old, never had a broken bone, never had stitches, never had surgery other than my tonsils out as a toddler, and they were going to cut my baby out of me, but at least he would not go through pain. I didn't sleep a wink that night before the c-section and bless the nurses heart, she sat with me most of the night.
The doctors estimated that Zach was well over 12 pounds for being "in the oven" so long, but they were off a bit. He was only 9 pounds 12 ounces, but still a big beautiful boy. We had been told for 8 months that he was a girl. Military ultasound equipment was really bad, because there was no question at the last ultrasound. We had ALL PINK! Baby showers in Texas and mailed up to us were all girl! We had to quickly get soemthing to bring my baby boy home in. JimBob had a real problem with putting him in pink!? HAHA! I was so happy when we took him home and just felt like he did not really belong to me. I was in awe of God's blessing. How can anyone ever hold a newborn child and NOT believe there is a God. Of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy and don't most of the time. How can anyone ever see or hear a babys heartbeat and go on with an abortion? I don't understand how we have gone so backwards, when we destroy the greatest blessings that God could ever bestow on the human race!

When Zach turned one, we decided to have another child. Months passed and still no pregnancy. So we sought help and began infertility treatment. That can be very humbling and very personal. Five years we went through infertility trying everything short of invitro. I had already had three miscarriages and had decided that IF it ever happened again, we would not share until 1/2 way through, because that was the safe zone. No one needed to hurt except me. Five years of trying was unsuccessful but was a very enjoyable 5 years. We made the decision to discontinue treatments, enjoy our one blessing and get out of the Air Force and return back to Texas. The following month, I missed my cycle, but that was nothing new, so I just kept moving and the next month, same story. I ignored the signs for fear of the pain, but 3 months missing was odd. So instead of having a person tell me "not pregnant", I just bought a little kit at the BX. Ran the test and walked away, for 30 minutes, knowing I would be negative, but it wasn't, it was positive. I was now way past the questionable time frame. We were optimistically excited, but still did not share our news yet. We did finally share with the family and friends and began packing for our move. We planned to have the baby in Charleston, SC and then make the move to Texas. JimBob began checking on things and found out that he would have more than 30 days leave and we could have the baby in Texas with family. SO we packed quicker and made the move, not anticipating the reluctancy of doctors wanting to take a 36 week patient insisting on v-bac. (vaginal birth after c-section) Found and doctor and he really wanted to do the c-section so if anything started going wrong he was taking me to the OR. Well, I wanted V-bac so I waited a bit once my water broke 2 weeks early to go in. Brayden Kenneth (name after my grandfather and maternal uncle) arrived on September 9th at 3:01pm, although my water broke at 12:30am. My husband, my mom and my mother in law were present for the birth of my second son. He was such an amazing baby and I thought he was tiny, after Zach, weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces.

All that said, I think children are the greatest blessing in this life. I love/loved raising my boys and I love spending every single day with my foster children. I don't understand the circumstances that leads these wonderful children to come into my home, but I enjoy every second with them. Foster children that come from abusive and neglectful homes are only wanting to be held and loved and taken care of. Given the right environment, they can catch up to the areas that are lacking due to the abuse and neglect. I consider it such a challenge to teach everything to them that I can. Especially unconditional love and security. I have no control over the outcome of the cases, but strive to love them until they move on in the system. They are such a joy!

Thanksgiving or giving thanks....

What a wonderful week to gather together with your family and/or friends. Although this is one year that we will NOT be gathering with anyone on the actual Thursday feast.We had Thanksgiving on Saturday so that we could enjoy Zachary's company while he was here. That was perfect for me. Both sets of parents were there, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was not as large as it usually is because people have lives. Zach needed it and we did it just for him. My mother in law (Carolyn) makes the BEST dressing in the world! It is perfect texture, perfect taste and just right! I love her dressing. Growing up, I had stuffing, and never knew the difference. I was deprived! HAHA! Growing up, I never had stuffing because it was very gummy and doughy. Carolyn's is cornbread based and does have bread, but small amounts. It is just good!
There are so many things I am thankful for, most of them being things I daily thank God...

I Am Thankful for...

• My husband who I love more than the air I breathe. Marriage is a tough job, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband has been with me through hard times and good times. He is a wonderful father and wonderful man. He loves me unconditionally. Meeting him when I was 15 years old, and dating on & off for 4 years and now being married for 21 years with 2 beautiful boys.
  
• My mother, who as a very young lady was saddled with the task of raising her small children and with no education, struggled and pushed and made her way through nursing school while working full time and raising us. She is a very compassionate and strong person and I love her so much! She has accomplished so much, but never dated until after her kids were grown. My other mother (mother in law), who has been there the last 22 years as a huge supported to me. She is one of the kindest women you will ever meet. She has such incredible love for her family and I love to hear the stories of her youth. I could not love her more if I had been born to her naturally instead of through marriage. I am thankful we don't have the typical "in-law" syndrome. Although we have had our moments and said things to hurt each other, I love her dearly.
• My grandfather and grandmother. My grandfather was a quiet presence in our home, a strong presence but he worked long hours at construction and the evenings were his wind down time. My grandparents took a very active role in their grandchildren. It is because of my experience growing up with them that made me decide to not place them as guardians over my children if something should ever happen to my husband and myself. I didn't have the same relationship that the other grandchildren did. My grandparents gave of themselves daily, and gave up so much of the life they could have had by traveling and spending time with just each other.Instead they begrudgingly took care of their grandkids and kids that needed them. And they were far from perfect, but did their best to teach us what God had instructed, from their experiences, good and bad. I love them so much and miss grandma every day!
• My two dads. Now since my birth father chose the non-responsible life all together, I have strong issues with men my father's age, 65+. I love my father in law and step father and wish I had a daddy growing up. Both of these men of which have earned the title of "dad" to me, I believe would go to the ends of the earth if I needed them to. I tend to keep my distance and even over the many years they have been a part of my life, I couldn't love them more than I do. They sense my resistance but would be there for anything and love my children unconditionally! What more could a girl ask for?
• My children, Zachary and Brayden. The only two I was able to carry to term, Zachary arrived two weeks late and Brayden arrived two weeks early, totally different births and totally different children. I lost three pregnancies, but believe that was God's will. And to think I could've had 5 children. What a wonderful thing that would be! I am so proud of my two boys and thank the Lord every day for giving me this many days with them.
• All of my family and extended family. It would take forever to write on all of them! Marcy, Lisa & I all grew up to be close, as close as sisters and I love them both so much and miss seeing them more often. My aunts and uncles always tried to fill the void my father left. I miss the family of my childhood that spent every holiday together.
•  My church family. I have been so blessed to be part of many church families. Mesquite CoC, Broadway (Centerville) CoC and now Johnson Street CoC. We settled in Greenville mainly because of our love for this church family and the outstanding preacher (Randy Daw) that always feeds our souls and makes us strive to better followers of Christ. We now have an exceptional youth minister (Brandon Watson) who has encouraged our youth to be servants and teaches them by example. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the blessings in my life. Those I love around me. I am thankful for a job I love, co-workers that I look forward to seeing every day, a roof over my head and more than I need, for my husband and children and foster children and family, friends and to live in America. Amidst,  cars on fire and trucks that won't start and children moving out of state, I am a survivor and I may bend but I will NOT be broken. I will conquer my demons with the help of others, others of my choosing, that I trust, because trust is essential to healing and moving past this multi-year demon. I am grateful that my heart is open to love and never seems to have a lack of space. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it grows, but it is all good.

This is a countdown for many things...

WOW~ Where do I go from here, or where do I start? Zachary leaves for Utah, one week from today. Friday, November 20th. I am excited for him to be going into the Northern states where he can be participating in the winter sports, his love in sports.

I am attempting to begin a journey, one that I truly believe will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Repressing memories that hurt, has always been the way I have done things. I have too much to do to dwell on events that I had no control over or that I can't change. But, does that mean that I am not to blame at all? I have heard the phrase, 'everything happens for a reason'. Well, doesn't that reason need to be evident? No, it doesn't work that was, sadly. If I live an ungodly life, shouldn't punishment come from within, where you conscience resides? My conscience is like a magnet, sticking to everything even remotely close to shame and guilt. I pray without ceasing that I can come to an understanding of me. I wonder how people see me, and if it is remotely close to the lowly person that I see. I went to a ladies retreat and a very wise young lady spoke about ME. No, it wasn't actually about me, but it sounded so much like me in every sense of the word. "labeling myself as a failure, a disappointment, stupid, ugly and ungodly". THe series was called 'cleaning out my closets', my emotional closet.

My emotional closet...how I want forgiveness for the chaos and clutter in my emotional closet and for all the stuff in my emotional closet, most of it is carried on my back every day as the burden I will bear, because I must. When can I put down my emotional baggage? I never would want anyone to 'bear my burdens' and feel so much shame in disclosing even to my most trusted in this world. I love these people more than humanly possible, but what do they think of me now? I am beginning to clean out my emotional closet, I am terrified that this journey will be taken by myself, alone. That is the worst feeling in my heart. Alone...

What does anyone really understand about me? Who am I? I am the one who is very good at hiding and covering up ME with humor and fun. I love people and I love the Lord but with both of these loves, it is not enough. I strive to please, because my imperfections will be seen. I want to come to know a God that is forgiving and full of grace. I have heard others talk about Him, but all I know is the God of wrath. Lately my heart is so heavy and anywhere I can crawl to protect others from me is where I want to be...alone...the most dreaded place in my heart.

I had someone once tell me they didn't think I was very smart. I am not higher education educated but I love to learn and I love to try new things. I like to be people smart and know what makes people happy. Does that make me worthless? Maybe to some. If you were looking through my eyes at me the answer would be 'yes'.

Love is something I give freely only hoping for a bit in return. Although love is something I think I am unworthy of. Deserving, no, what have I done to deserve that and why would someone love someone as broken as me? We are in a world that has made a mockery of love, rolling it around in the mud of sin and darkness and making you feel like it is 'wrong' to love someone. 'Wrong' to hug someone. A hug has always been the most precious thing to me. The hug of my husband or the hug of my children, my mother's hug and a rewarding hug from a friend. Hugs are such an amazing way to show you care and a hug does something to your heart. I have always been a hugger, but within the last few years was told I was 'wrong' for hugging and 'wrong' for loving. Why did I question myself? Why do I question myself? I NEVER, EVER thought of a hug as anything but a sweet, innocent embrace, between two people that care for one another. Even with my husband it is not sexual, it is an embrace of those I love.

So, where do I go and where do I turn? I am very stubborn in asking for help, because my emotional worth is very small. I inadvertantly hurt those I love, because intentionally is not my way.

Have you ever thought that everyone would be better off without you? I have a hard time believing that anything I do cannot be done by another and better. I have a hard time believeing that anyone would love someone such as me and that there is a God that can forgive and love me. I expect a judgement of harsh punishment. I have thought many times "why didn't they just kill me?" I have even been guilty of thinking "I wish they would kill me". In my emotional closet, I don't see that people WANT to truly be around me. Invitations to parties don't come my way, dinner invitations are rejected, plans to spend time with people are cancelled and lunch invitations are rarely extended. Lonely is a very sad place to be to deal with my emotional closet.

What do I want to accomplish? So much. I want to always be the happy person that I know I can be without any questions. I want to rid myself of these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I want people to WANT to be around me and enjoy my company. I want to socialize with people and learn about people. I want to not want to be gone, to disappear in order to make this world a better place. I have been told I was unwanted, unplanned, unloved, unworthy and I have bought this line because of those I trusted who said it. Of those I was supposed to trust, because of who they are/were. I pray daily but feel like I am not heard, I am unworthy of His listening ear. I am unworthy of anyones listening ear. It is a precious waste of time for others and I think that there are much worthier causes to pursue than the likes of me. Too much today we have throw away people. Parents choose someone or something over their spouses or children. I dreamed of a day that daddys never left and people never irreversably scarred people. I pray that someday everyone will forgive me and I pray that someday I will forgive myself.

Need help from the Lord!

Have you ever just felt like, what is it all for? What does it matter? Why do I try so hard to please everyone else? I have had the stinkin' blues and I don't know where it is coming from. Maybe being overloaded and tired and feeling like I never get a break. I bring it all on myself by trying to take care of everyone except me. Used to have girls night out and have not done that in awhile. Don't talk much to any of my friends, and who would blame them. I don't want to be in my skin and why would they want to be around me? Depression really is a hard thing to deal with. I hate it worse than anything. NO one understands unless they have been here, how it makes you feel and how you make others feel. I have 3 beautiful foster children and 2 beautiful boys and a husband I love more than the air I breathe. Why can't all that love shatter this depression? I have so much love for so many people, my family, my friends, and my church family. They are all so incredible. I am so blesses but MUST work on my past to make my furure bright. How do I do that? I know how to do it, but it is so hard to take that step and trust someone with all my faults and fears, and begin to heal from the inside out. Talking with Randy about things made me realize that there are very deep seated issues that I have never dealt with. I don't even know how to begin to deal with them. I can read every book in the library and still not be any closer to letting go of so much hurt in my heart! I feel like I am getting further and further away from the people I love. I am pushing them away and they are letting me. I don't want to be known as the one people avoid or walk on egg shells. I want to be the one that is there for people and loves all people. How dare I pray to God and ask for his help for anything. I am not worthy of God's help. There are more important things that God needs to tend to and better people to listen to their prayers. I want to know the God of love and compassion instead of the God of my childhood. The fire and brimstone wrath of God. My relationship with God has always felt like a scary relationship. It isn't supposed to be like that but how do I find the kind and forgiving God that has the hope and grace that Randy preaches about?
I think that Zachary getting married has been a huge emotional issue that surfaced. He is still my baby, and I want him to have the most perfect wedding, but I can't grasp that he is all grown up and ready to start a family of his own, (beginning with a wife) and live in another state and not see him very often. I dislike that people think they can dictate what his wedding will be and start making demands of him. I know how hard it was for me to stand up to people, I know how hard it is for me today to do that. I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone, so I keep everything bottled in until someone shakes it hard enough for it to spew. And then the emotions overflow. How do I release all that and deal with it and let the burden down instead of carrying it around all my life. I want a lighter load in every sense of the word. I must start that hard journey and get working on this before I die or before it kills me!

When emotions rain, emotions pour...

It has been a roller coaster month for me. Learning to care for 3 foster children after being out of the game for awhile is tougher than I thought. Add me getting sick with a sinus and bladder infection, and getting worse because I don't have time to rest. The stinkiest part of all of that is I get emotional when I get sick and things that would normally not bother me, do. It is so retarded and it is something that I wish I could change about me. Well, it is at the top of the list. I pray I am on the upward mend and that I get to feeling like me again.
My kiddos are precious and are almost 1, 2, and 3 years old. They keep me smiling, laughing and snuggling.
My down side lately is anonymous calls and letters critiquing my life and my job. Normally it would not bother me but when I am sick, it does. Also, making a decision to write off my birth father from my life. What is it that makes a father? That is something I will never know because he was never in my life. My memories of him are not pleasant but I wanted to try to mend the relationship. He requested communication and I began, but it is not worth anymore tears and anymore thought. I am sad because I never had the opportunity to know my father and he wants me to believe that he was a victim in all of this and that my family had a hand in a lot of that. Well, sometimes you have to stand up and be a man and take care of your children. I wish I knew the definition of a father. I know some men that I think are amazing fathers and I am envious that I didn't have a daddy like that. I have a step-father and father-in-law that I love so much but there is still not that connection. There is an older friend of mine that I trust with everything in me and everything about me. Even my friends growing up had fathers, good fathers, OK fathers, but fathers none the less and fathers that are there. There for the good and there for the bad. I do think I missed out but I can't change the past and not too sure I want to. Your life takes so many different paths and I wonder why things happen. I have become a stronger and stronger person because of what my life paths were. This is my life! I have amazing family, friends, co-workers, Christian family and foster children. I love my life but I don't need the negative in my life. I see so different on so many things as many people in my life and that doesn't make it good or bad. Hateful things said or typed can NEVER be taken back and I am so careful to not hurt people, to not disappoint people and to be the best I can be as a person. I love my children SO MUCH that I would die for them. I love so many people and those people I would die for. My life is not as important as others because others do so much more for Christ than I. I feel so close to my Christian family and I have never felt the connection before. My church family is amazing and I could never explain how much I love them.
If you could ask yourself, what is the thing you love to do most in this world. What would that be for you? Think about it. If you could change your life, would you? I have said 'if I could change leaving Mesquite and all my babies, I would", but would I? I think I made an uninformed decision 3 1/2 years ago but I would not change it because I love my girls from BCH and I will always stay connected to them as long as they want. They are amazing teenagers that make good decisions and bad decisions, but they know I will always be there for them if they need me. I love seeing them and catching up with their lives. Yes, I know what I love doing more than anything in the world but I can't do it all the time. My choice for that is kissing. I love kissing my husband! It is incredible and amazing and I think about him during the day and lookk forward to seeing him after work so I can kiss him. When my husband was a smoker, it was not as pleasant, but now I LOVE IT! He doesn't taste like an ashtray. After 21 years of marriage, I still LOVE to kiss him.This post has been all over the place but that is OK cause no one reads this junk anyways! HAHA! These are just my thoughts on lately and I am going to take the advice that I got today from someone that I care about a lot. INTC and no, I will never tell what that means, but it made sense to me today. I will try to never let them get me down.

So sleepy, I might just ramble on...

Do you ever look back on the things you did as a 'youngster' and think, dang, I can't believe I did that, stupid? Well, yes and no. We all make choices and some not so great but can't we all recover from them? Yes, as long as we are able to forgive ourselves, first and ask forgiveness from the One that matters the most. I recently had a talk with a friend that I put all my trust in. I know, people will let you down and I expect none less from him, but it won't be intentional. Even though, there are certain things that we didn't talk about, the information myself and JB took away from that was incredible. Sometimes you have someone that can put something in a different perspective, a different spin on things, and it looks manageable. I have learned in the last few years that it is not all life-threatening. Might be life altering, or heart altering, but most of the time, we will survive, even though at the time it doesn't seem like it. I love people and I love having different people to turn to, to show me a different perspective.
I was visiting with a friend, who I love and admire so much yesterday. Some things you can talk about with one friend and one thing another. Well, Krista was just what I needed. I have been praying for an answer to what I should do with a medical decision. My physician discovered a mass in one of my breasts, quite deep, and the radiologist suggested I come back in 6 months. Well, 6 months could mean the different of life or death IF it turns out to be something that needed to be tended to immediately. She was in the same shoes a year ago and had her mass removed immediately. It turned out to be residual scar tissue, but there are numerous abnormal cells to watch. I pray that this is all my mass turns out to be but no matter what it is, I can't change it or go back in time. I must trudge forward and do what needs to be done. The physician suggested we remove it, but I just didn't know what to do. Should have seeked the counsel of a family RN, but didn't want to trouble anybody with this. So I am waiting to schedule another mammo this week and do plan to have it removed and tested, so if you could just say a little prayer, I would appreciate it.
In every marriage, you go through trials and set-backs. When I sit in retrospect and think, there are a few things I do know.

• I know that I love my husband with all my soul, heart and mind.
• I know that every since he and I worked together when I was 15, I have been in love with him. Maybe not love, love at 15, but that butterfly, jittery, funky feeling you get when you are kids.
• I know that we have weathered many storms together, loss of jobs, loss of pregnancies, loss of loved ones and sometimes it felt like we were losing our mind.
• I know that I know my husband better than anyone in this world, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
  
• I know that he was my first kiss and I hope he is my last kiss. That first kiss was a doozey, right in front of my youth minister and God.
• I know that even today when I kiss my husband, I still get that feeling in my stomach and that I love kissing him more than anything in the world.
• I know that my top goal in my relationship with him is to help him to get to heaven.
• I know that I will love him till the day I die! I also hope I go first because I am selfish and don't want to be on this earth without him.

So, we have started rebuilding our marriage into what we need and what we want. It will take some time but with God at the top of our list, we can't go too wrong. We have began to study every night together, quietly and alone. We are looking for some good marriage books, devotional for couples and such. I want to plan to go to the Great Smokey Mountains Marriage Retreat in February and I am working to make it a reality. That reatreat is so amazing. We would love to get some couples to go with us. We spend time in classes and spend time with each other. Let's face it, when you are raising kids, you can lose sight of each other, and if you are raising other people's children you can really lose sight of each other, so it is very important to shut off the rest of the world every day and study and snuggle and kiss. It is the part of my day that I am looking forward to. I don't have to share with anyone and I don't have to barter for his attention. Some day all the distractions of children in the home will be gone and what will be left? Just us. There are people that I love dearly that I never see them touch or show any signs of affection to each other. I don't need to see anyone mugging down or anything, but an occassional touch, to hold hands or a glance that says "I love you" or even the words. Why is that so hard to say to some people? "I love you". Three little words. I make sure that I say that to those I love because it might be the last thing they every hear me say. And it is something people need to hear others say, but you need to mean it! I catch myself occassionally, just saying it, and have to remind myself, that it is not in the words but in the meaning. I love my family, and my friends, and my church family and my co-workers and everyone deserves to be loved and have someone to love, after all, love makes the world go round. ;o)

Bucket List for me!

It is really hard to think about what I want on my bucket list. So many things that I wanted to do that I have already done. I guess I will list what was on my list that I have already done in red, but still might have the opportunity to do it again some day.

• Run my own day care/preschool with a focus on Christian curriculum.
• Open an Infant Day Care and focus on infant development and infant sign language.
  
• Help a family get back on their feet when they are down.
  
• Be foster parents.
• Work as houseparents at a children's home.
• Get a bachelors degree and maybe masters degree.
• Go on a cruise with my hubby. A very past due honeymoon.
• Be a mentor in a program with mothers and children trying to make it after problems.
• Study with more people, and share the gospel.
• Work as a mentor/counselor to help prevent abortions.
• Have a vegetable/fruit garden.
• Watch my grandchildren become strong, faithful Christians, following in their parents footsteps.
• Parasail. Yeah, I know, I am terrified of heights but that looks wonderful. Want to do it.
• Go to the top of Reunion Tower. Heights thing again, but JB wants to take me up there and always has so I might do that. Can I put my back to the glass elevators. Something about watching myself get farther, and farther off the ground. :)
  

There is so much I want to do, but it all involves helping people. I love people, and worry about the state of our nation. I love being a positive light for people and making people feel better. My down side is I don't have an easy time saying "no" and will walk away if I feel like there will be conflict. DO not like conflict. Life is too short to say things you will regret, in the heat of a moment. I want to spend my life loving people and laughing. I try to push negative people out of my life because I don't want that in my life and I don't need it in my life. I have stopped watching TV because it is so negative! And mostly immoral. Ask my hubby or boys, I hate the TV. Just a time waster to me. Now music is another story, love it and have it on a lot. Love to listen to Zach's orchestra concerts with the Mesquite Symphony Orchestra, and Poteet and even Kimbrough. Love high school football and anything else my kids are playing. Never had any desire to coach sports. I am sure I will think of more to add to my bucket list. By adiaos, for now.