There is nothing that I love more than family; my birth family (some I am much closer to than others) but I love them all the same, my church family who has been there for me in such tremendous ways, but my immediate family - my husband and my boys and my daughter in law.
Facebook - good or evil? Yes and yes, and if you understand that, you have been on as long as I have and are beginning to hate what Facebook does to relationships. One of my best friends in high school; we went through cosmetology school together, had babies on the same day (both boys over 9 lbs. by c-section; her in Texas and myself in Alaska) and we both had weight loss surgery. So very much in common and so very dear to my heart, but she thought my status was about her one time and I have no idea what it was, but she released contact with me and that really hurt, because I love her craziness and the fun we had. Oh the stories we could tell!
Relationships sometimes go, and the pain still burns for a long time. It seems many have gotten to where they cannot agree to disagree. I talked with some very wise women this weekend about a relational problem I am having but I want to know what caused it so long ago and why we couldn't address it then and not let it build for so many years. Words can be the MOST hurtful thing, sharper than a razor, and words typed on Facebook, text, email, etc. can be so misunderstood by tone and facial expressions. I am a facial reader, and prefer face to face conversation.
My name is Stacy Holley and I have issues. I will be the first to admit it. I have been abandoned, molested, abused, hurt, rejected, betrayed and trampled. Through it all I still love. I can't read a tender story or watch a sweet video without tearing up. I come by it honest; I am cursed or blessed (I consider it a blessing) by this along with my maternal grandfather, my mom, my brother and some of my cousins. I cry because I hurt and I want us all to stop hurting each other; to agree to disagree and be able to tell each other when we hurt. I cry because I am happy or others are happy and that makes me happy. Life is too short to continue breaking each other down and causing one another pain.
I want to forgive and be forgiven. I want to love and be loved. I want to cry and be held. Of all the relationships in the world, the one I anguish over is the longest relationship I have known, one of blood, but one of courage. One that only knows some of the pain I feel for enduring the same. One that used to make me believe that it was myself and them against the world, arm in arm and heart to heart. I don't know what happened. Did we grow apart or just grow up. Time and distance between us, my heart never left theirs. Our views and opinions changed and we didn't see eye to eye but I have come to realize that no one can choose your path for you. It is not laid out in a pretty little package, it is yours to choose. Whether right or wrong, the choice is each persons. Are choices made a salvation issue and if Christ came at any point in my life or activity, would He chose to take me home? I have to think about MY choices because I will only answer for MY choices.
I know I have been guilty of NOT speaking in love and kindness and my tongue has had the bite of a serpent. For that I am truly sorry and have asked forgiveness for my actions that were less than what Christ would have of me. I live to serve Him and to set an example, to which I often fail miserably, and will fail until I draw my last breath. I try to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.
When my life on earth is done, I want to be remembered for the good I did, the joy I brought others and I want people to say that I lived a life that exemplified a Christian example. I do not believe in once saved, always saved, but believe that I must ask forgiveness for my short comings, to God and to man.
My family will always be my family, my blood will always be my blood, but I also want them to be my eternal and heavenly family as well, because knowing the truth, their rewards will be endless when following the word of the Lord.
Wise words from a Christian sister...Is it a Salvation issue? Am I loving the way God instructs. Thoughts and words to ponder, while poring through scripture to search how to better my service in Him.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, October 8, 2012
Life in the faster lane....
I can't believe it has been since March sine I updated my blog! SO much has happened since then and life is such a whirlwind....I can't find the time to sit still long enough to blog and shouldn't be doing this now, at 12:30 in the morning.
Last time I blogged, my sweet Zach and Jo were visiting. Zach has since left Korea and they are now back in Utah and happy as a clam. (However happy that is.) They are making friends, reconnecting with friends and re-establishing their lives together again. My gran-puppy Austin, became a big brother recently with the addition of Leviathan (Loving referred to as Levi). Austin seems to be taking the job serious and enjoying having a non-human playmate. Austin is a border collie and Levi is a border collie/golden retriever mix. Both are very smart dogs and seem to be behaving themselves. LOL! It is Zach and Jo we should be worrying about. Zach and Jo purchased their first vehicle, a small SUV and are very proud of it.
Jim Bob, Brayden and myself are going to Utah in December, the 14th to be exact and I am so excited. I can't wait to spend time with ALL my kids and being at Zach and Jo's home as a guest will be a first! Brayden and I will be able to be there for 2 weeks and JB will be there a week. We are doing as many odd jobs as we can and saving, saving, saving!!
After we return from Utah, JB and I will have our 25th wedding anniversary on March 19th. Every year we switch off, where one year he plans and the next year I plan and yes, he usually does very well. This was my year and I have taken 2 cruises and he has never been. Add in the violin and the exemplary whining..... It is just a 4 day cruise into Cozumel but will be good to just have some down time with my husband.
This has been a little bit of a difficult year in that we have had some struggles. My allergies have really played into my nausea and my weight has been a battle. For 20+ years, I have battled morbid obesity, and now my battle is to gain weight back. My lowest weight was 114 pounds and my goal weight is 130, NOT to exceed 140. I am finally hovering at 130 and holding. My bariatric surgeon gave the green light to begin working out and running. This I have not started yet, because we are trying to grasp hold of chaos and ring it in. I am at that point where I am tired of stuff; stuff to save, keep, put up for a rainy day, display (and have to dust). We are working on a yard sale for this Saturday and may need to have another in November. I just want to de-clutter and keep the house cleaned.
Now, with all that said, let me get back to my health and the amazing journey we have been on. For the first time since my surgery, my levels of protein and vitamins were NORMAL! Hallelujah! My vitamin D was the only thing that was low and intensive 12 week treatment has began. I have found a new Primary Care Physician that will be able to handle all my health needs, although I will continue to see Dr. T for my post bariatric follow ups. My biggest frustration has been my levels of estrogen being so low and that is very frustrating. My PCP noticed that my thyroid was out of whack (I mean, dropping 200 pounds can knock anything out of whack!) Blood work will be drawn and I will have a mammogram and bone density test soon. Ready to get my levels normal in all the realms and GET ON WITH MY FULL LIFE!
Last time I blogged, my sweet Zach and Jo were visiting. Zach has since left Korea and they are now back in Utah and happy as a clam. (However happy that is.) They are making friends, reconnecting with friends and re-establishing their lives together again. My gran-puppy Austin, became a big brother recently with the addition of Leviathan (Loving referred to as Levi). Austin seems to be taking the job serious and enjoying having a non-human playmate. Austin is a border collie and Levi is a border collie/golden retriever mix. Both are very smart dogs and seem to be behaving themselves. LOL! It is Zach and Jo we should be worrying about. Zach and Jo purchased their first vehicle, a small SUV and are very proud of it.
Jim Bob, Brayden and myself are going to Utah in December, the 14th to be exact and I am so excited. I can't wait to spend time with ALL my kids and being at Zach and Jo's home as a guest will be a first! Brayden and I will be able to be there for 2 weeks and JB will be there a week. We are doing as many odd jobs as we can and saving, saving, saving!!
After we return from Utah, JB and I will have our 25th wedding anniversary on March 19th. Every year we switch off, where one year he plans and the next year I plan and yes, he usually does very well. This was my year and I have taken 2 cruises and he has never been. Add in the violin and the exemplary whining..... It is just a 4 day cruise into Cozumel but will be good to just have some down time with my husband.
This has been a little bit of a difficult year in that we have had some struggles. My allergies have really played into my nausea and my weight has been a battle. For 20+ years, I have battled morbid obesity, and now my battle is to gain weight back. My lowest weight was 114 pounds and my goal weight is 130, NOT to exceed 140. I am finally hovering at 130 and holding. My bariatric surgeon gave the green light to begin working out and running. This I have not started yet, because we are trying to grasp hold of chaos and ring it in. I am at that point where I am tired of stuff; stuff to save, keep, put up for a rainy day, display (and have to dust). We are working on a yard sale for this Saturday and may need to have another in November. I just want to de-clutter and keep the house cleaned.
Now, with all that said, let me get back to my health and the amazing journey we have been on. For the first time since my surgery, my levels of protein and vitamins were NORMAL! Hallelujah! My vitamin D was the only thing that was low and intensive 12 week treatment has began. I have found a new Primary Care Physician that will be able to handle all my health needs, although I will continue to see Dr. T for my post bariatric follow ups. My biggest frustration has been my levels of estrogen being so low and that is very frustrating. My PCP noticed that my thyroid was out of whack (I mean, dropping 200 pounds can knock anything out of whack!) Blood work will be drawn and I will have a mammogram and bone density test soon. Ready to get my levels normal in all the realms and GET ON WITH MY FULL LIFE!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
What A Life I Lead...full of wonderful moments and secrets; and the blessings of my two boys.
I should be on the top of the mountain, and I have been mostly. My oldest, Zach is home from Korea until March 18 when he returns back to Korea. We have him, his wife, Joanna and our grandpuppy, Sir Austin. We have had a wonderful time with our kids and are not looking forward to the day they have to leave again. I love my boys so much and pretty fancy on my daughter in law also. I just don't feel like I see them as much as I would like, since I have a full time job during the day. Sometimes I wish that we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom again. Or at least a full time student and housewife. Life gets so chaotic at times that it often feels like the air is being squeezed out of me. I want to stop the ride and get off for awhile or maybe for good.
I am always so amazed at the closeness of my boys. Seven years between them, but the closeness is not lacking. They truly love and respect each other, they are honest with each other and they are always looking out for the best interest of each other. Making the other happy, makes them happy, and they laugh non-stop and wrestle. Brayden can almost hold his own with Zach, and is a strong one. (but not by the odorous strong either.) Well, maybe a little after they finish wrestling. As of today, we have not had to go to the ER but there have been a lot of close calls where a head comes awful close to a table. Brayden is notorious for busting his head open, and he never does it "just a little". Nope, he does it right! He is probably overdue already for this and is really testing the forces of nature.
There is nothing I love more than watching the interaction between the two of them; since the first time Zachary came to the hospital to meet Brayden; the amount of love in his eyes. Zachary could talk to him and Zach's voice would settle him down. Zachary begged for a baby brother since he knew what they were and was fully prepared for the job when it came to him. Although, even before Brayden's arrival, he made it plain that he was coming and big brother better watch out. When I would read to Zach every night before bed, with Zach in my shrinking lap, Brayden would kick him, over and over, making his presence on my lap very obvious. Zach would laugh and talk to my tummy for a while. It was sweet and still his. When Brayden came into Zach's life, it was better than any puppy, and when Zach came into Brayden's life, a lifetime bond of love and brotherhood began and I pray will exist until one of them draws their last breath.
I love that they love each other so much. Never has there been much jealousy, rivilry, or bickering. They have just been brothers loving each other. I love that Zach looks out for Brayden in every aspect; from his grades, to his attitude to his spirtiuality. And I love that Brayden listens and accepts what Zach has to say, unlike when the mean, ol' ogre parents come out of their cave and say something. I love my boys and I love that my boys love each other so much and I love that Joanna has perfectly fit in to the group and loves them both. I rest easy knowing that if anything were to happen to JB and myself, Brayden would be in goods hands, physically, mentally, spiritually and be loved.
...
I have that perception of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize that it is a train coming. Overwhelmed, overstressed, overanxious, overkill. I over do things, mostly helping others or doing for others only to have it come back as a negative consequence for me. I don't know how to stop putting others in front of everything and me. I think I have the fear that I will become egotistical or self-centered (praising). I am around enough people that think they are God's gift to the world and it is not how I want ME to be. It is not very attractive, but feeling stuffed into a corner is not very attractive either. I am well aware that I let people dump on me and use me, and I pretend everything is perfect and as it should be. I don't tell anyone "NO", but how can anyone respect a person like that? They don't and that is obvious. Show me a person that respects someone without an inch of a backbone and I will show you an idiot. Self-worth is a blessing that many obtain, and I am envious of that character trait in so many people, because it is lacking in me.
Losing 200+ pounds in the last 14 months; you think would give me a little bit of self-worth, but unfortunately it did not. I still feel like the person with 200+ pounds on me but things were different then, with others. Some things were better then. Have you ever noticed that people don't have a problem hugging a larger person, but avoid that contact with a smaller person? WHY? Things were different and as much positive things that have changed in my life these last 14 months, just as many things have changed and some of them I was not prepared for nor do I want to continue or cease. These are the things I have no control over, no matter what actions I take, they will not change the thinking or feelings of another, I am still the same person; with the same thoughts, beliefs and morals. My passions are unchanged but challenged. My loves have remained the same except to grow and branch out to make those that MY heart cares for, more extended.
Being heavy was always "safe" for me. The last time I was thin was when I was 20 years old, that was 23 years ago. I was morbidly obese most of my life, but it was safe, because of an event that changed my life, my mind told me that I wouldn't get hurt like that if I was obese, and therefore it was safe. Was I happy? No, am I happy now? That is a question for the peanut gallery. I want life back as it was 15 years ago or better 16 years ago, getting ready for Brayden, with my happy family that was happy with me and we were content with what we had and didn't pine for what we didn't. I know I can't go back but I can wish for those relationships again. Can't I? Those were the good old days before poor choices led to anger and anger led to unhappiness. I don't know how to get much of that back or even if it is within my control.
I know I am an odd duck. I could not feel farther away from life than I do now. I don't think (I hope) I could ever feel any lonelier. When I was a child growing up family meant EVERYTHING! Grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. When did it stop meaning that? When did we stop being with family, standing up family, shunning family or making excuses to be away from family? When did we start judging our families instead of praying for and trying to bring them back to the church that Christ built? Do we see our family as a lost cause? Family is not a waste of time to me; emotionally, physically or spiritually; I will NEVER give up praying for my family to be whole again and to love again and to come back to the Lord again. Not one of us is without sin, and forgiveness is important, but why can't some reach that in a relationship with family.
I am one of the most non-confrontational people. I avoid conflict like the plague! I accept blame to avoid an argument, and bottle it up inside, but someone is always shaking that bottle and eventually, everything that is bottled up will come spewing out. It cannot stay in, the pressure is too much. I take a lot of stuff that I don't like or appreciate, from accusations, to perceptions (that is one of my pet-peeves) to just downright meanness. Everyone knows how to do my job better, be a better wife and mother, and best of all, everyone knows what kind of Christian I NEED to be. Yes, I am well aware that I am lacking in my walk with Christ. I am well aware of my faults and imperfections, and no, I don't appreciate them being tattooed on my forehead like the scarlet letter.
I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is the glue that sticks it all together. I believe there is a time to accept that friends do move on, and understand when a friendship parts. What I don't understand is friendship drastically changing for no reason. I don't believe it is my job to be in my friends business, unless they are doing something to put their eternity in jeopardy. Then it is up to me to be kind and address it as a non-judgmental friend that I want to be, without accusations or perceptions.
I do believe in love, for everyone else. I have this mental block when it comes to love for me. For me to love me or for others to love me. If I love you, I tell you and I mean it, but I don't like when those three words make a situation awkward. I am naive, I want to believe that the world is good. I don't want to see the news because it is depressing and negative. Not dealing with it does not resolve it or make it change, but it is sickening. Sickening that we 'approve' of same-sex marriages, that we murder our babies in-utero, and take the life of another because we felt like it. It is sickening that our country, the great Untied States that was founded on Christian beliefs and principals, is not interested in helping each other get to heaven, because "it might offend someone else." This is not true, pure love, the love that Christ has shown us to strive to be.
We have pushed God so far out of our lives and then beg Him to come back when tragedy strikes, or better yet, we blame Him. We ban Him from our schools and wonder why our schools are so bad. We have teachers that hand out condons and give a detention for wearing a cross. What is wrong with us America? Why have we allowed the devil to take control of our hearts, our marriages, our lives, our schools, our jobs, and our country. Are the majority that believe in the one true Christ that weak to say "NO, we will not be pushed aside and accept your decisions anymore." Why have we been silent for so long?
I know why. Most of America is like me; non-confrontational, and we don't speak up when something is happening that we don't like. We just sit back, pushed into a corner and stay out of the argument. Keep out of others way. DO what others say and ask even when we are swamped, or know something to be wrong. We (I) stop standing up for me and what I CAN and should do, to preserve what we know to be right in THE SIGHT OF GOD. When did He stop mattering? Everything should be based on Him. My daily living should be looking for His approval, my daily speech should be approved in His presence, my marriage and my parenting should be appropriately seeking for His approval. Too many of us are followers without a lot of strong leaders. Too many of us are afraid to speak out to the non-believers and we will eventually lose everything in this world and the next because of this reluctance. We have to answer for who we elect into office, BECAUSE who we elect into office will lead this town, county, state and country. Who we elect can and will and has changed the way that this country looks for direction. I think America has quit looking up for direction, but are now looking side to side and are content to let the devil have his way with us.
Kindness doesn't come easy for many and kind words are even harder to speak for some. I want my life back or I want God to take me out of this world. The harder I try, the harder it gets. Why? Well, I officially give up. Going through the motions, putting on a front, I am tired of living the lie. I am tired of not being true to those I love. I am just tired.
I have tried and tried and I do get tired but I believe in the power of God and His word. I may struggle with MY worth but I don't question His worth and His laws that He has set forth. I think and ponder over what I need to do to change and I pray, constantly for His forgiveness.
I am always so amazed at the closeness of my boys. Seven years between them, but the closeness is not lacking. They truly love and respect each other, they are honest with each other and they are always looking out for the best interest of each other. Making the other happy, makes them happy, and they laugh non-stop and wrestle. Brayden can almost hold his own with Zach, and is a strong one. (but not by the odorous strong either.) Well, maybe a little after they finish wrestling. As of today, we have not had to go to the ER but there have been a lot of close calls where a head comes awful close to a table. Brayden is notorious for busting his head open, and he never does it "just a little". Nope, he does it right! He is probably overdue already for this and is really testing the forces of nature.
There is nothing I love more than watching the interaction between the two of them; since the first time Zachary came to the hospital to meet Brayden; the amount of love in his eyes. Zachary could talk to him and Zach's voice would settle him down. Zachary begged for a baby brother since he knew what they were and was fully prepared for the job when it came to him. Although, even before Brayden's arrival, he made it plain that he was coming and big brother better watch out. When I would read to Zach every night before bed, with Zach in my shrinking lap, Brayden would kick him, over and over, making his presence on my lap very obvious. Zach would laugh and talk to my tummy for a while. It was sweet and still his. When Brayden came into Zach's life, it was better than any puppy, and when Zach came into Brayden's life, a lifetime bond of love and brotherhood began and I pray will exist until one of them draws their last breath.
I love that they love each other so much. Never has there been much jealousy, rivilry, or bickering. They have just been brothers loving each other. I love that Zach looks out for Brayden in every aspect; from his grades, to his attitude to his spirtiuality. And I love that Brayden listens and accepts what Zach has to say, unlike when the mean, ol' ogre parents come out of their cave and say something. I love my boys and I love that my boys love each other so much and I love that Joanna has perfectly fit in to the group and loves them both. I rest easy knowing that if anything were to happen to JB and myself, Brayden would be in goods hands, physically, mentally, spiritually and be loved.
...
I have that perception of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize that it is a train coming. Overwhelmed, overstressed, overanxious, overkill. I over do things, mostly helping others or doing for others only to have it come back as a negative consequence for me. I don't know how to stop putting others in front of everything and me. I think I have the fear that I will become egotistical or self-centered (praising). I am around enough people that think they are God's gift to the world and it is not how I want ME to be. It is not very attractive, but feeling stuffed into a corner is not very attractive either. I am well aware that I let people dump on me and use me, and I pretend everything is perfect and as it should be. I don't tell anyone "NO", but how can anyone respect a person like that? They don't and that is obvious. Show me a person that respects someone without an inch of a backbone and I will show you an idiot. Self-worth is a blessing that many obtain, and I am envious of that character trait in so many people, because it is lacking in me.
Losing 200+ pounds in the last 14 months; you think would give me a little bit of self-worth, but unfortunately it did not. I still feel like the person with 200+ pounds on me but things were different then, with others. Some things were better then. Have you ever noticed that people don't have a problem hugging a larger person, but avoid that contact with a smaller person? WHY? Things were different and as much positive things that have changed in my life these last 14 months, just as many things have changed and some of them I was not prepared for nor do I want to continue or cease. These are the things I have no control over, no matter what actions I take, they will not change the thinking or feelings of another, I am still the same person; with the same thoughts, beliefs and morals. My passions are unchanged but challenged. My loves have remained the same except to grow and branch out to make those that MY heart cares for, more extended.
Being heavy was always "safe" for me. The last time I was thin was when I was 20 years old, that was 23 years ago. I was morbidly obese most of my life, but it was safe, because of an event that changed my life, my mind told me that I wouldn't get hurt like that if I was obese, and therefore it was safe. Was I happy? No, am I happy now? That is a question for the peanut gallery. I want life back as it was 15 years ago or better 16 years ago, getting ready for Brayden, with my happy family that was happy with me and we were content with what we had and didn't pine for what we didn't. I know I can't go back but I can wish for those relationships again. Can't I? Those were the good old days before poor choices led to anger and anger led to unhappiness. I don't know how to get much of that back or even if it is within my control.
I know I am an odd duck. I could not feel farther away from life than I do now. I don't think (I hope) I could ever feel any lonelier. When I was a child growing up family meant EVERYTHING! Grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. When did it stop meaning that? When did we stop being with family, standing up family, shunning family or making excuses to be away from family? When did we start judging our families instead of praying for and trying to bring them back to the church that Christ built? Do we see our family as a lost cause? Family is not a waste of time to me; emotionally, physically or spiritually; I will NEVER give up praying for my family to be whole again and to love again and to come back to the Lord again. Not one of us is without sin, and forgiveness is important, but why can't some reach that in a relationship with family.
I am one of the most non-confrontational people. I avoid conflict like the plague! I accept blame to avoid an argument, and bottle it up inside, but someone is always shaking that bottle and eventually, everything that is bottled up will come spewing out. It cannot stay in, the pressure is too much. I take a lot of stuff that I don't like or appreciate, from accusations, to perceptions (that is one of my pet-peeves) to just downright meanness. Everyone knows how to do my job better, be a better wife and mother, and best of all, everyone knows what kind of Christian I NEED to be. Yes, I am well aware that I am lacking in my walk with Christ. I am well aware of my faults and imperfections, and no, I don't appreciate them being tattooed on my forehead like the scarlet letter.
I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is the glue that sticks it all together. I believe there is a time to accept that friends do move on, and understand when a friendship parts. What I don't understand is friendship drastically changing for no reason. I don't believe it is my job to be in my friends business, unless they are doing something to put their eternity in jeopardy. Then it is up to me to be kind and address it as a non-judgmental friend that I want to be, without accusations or perceptions.
I do believe in love, for everyone else. I have this mental block when it comes to love for me. For me to love me or for others to love me. If I love you, I tell you and I mean it, but I don't like when those three words make a situation awkward. I am naive, I want to believe that the world is good. I don't want to see the news because it is depressing and negative. Not dealing with it does not resolve it or make it change, but it is sickening. Sickening that we 'approve' of same-sex marriages, that we murder our babies in-utero, and take the life of another because we felt like it. It is sickening that our country, the great Untied States that was founded on Christian beliefs and principals, is not interested in helping each other get to heaven, because "it might offend someone else." This is not true, pure love, the love that Christ has shown us to strive to be.
We have pushed God so far out of our lives and then beg Him to come back when tragedy strikes, or better yet, we blame Him. We ban Him from our schools and wonder why our schools are so bad. We have teachers that hand out condons and give a detention for wearing a cross. What is wrong with us America? Why have we allowed the devil to take control of our hearts, our marriages, our lives, our schools, our jobs, and our country. Are the majority that believe in the one true Christ that weak to say "NO, we will not be pushed aside and accept your decisions anymore." Why have we been silent for so long?
I know why. Most of America is like me; non-confrontational, and we don't speak up when something is happening that we don't like. We just sit back, pushed into a corner and stay out of the argument. Keep out of others way. DO what others say and ask even when we are swamped, or know something to be wrong. We (I) stop standing up for me and what I CAN and should do, to preserve what we know to be right in THE SIGHT OF GOD. When did He stop mattering? Everything should be based on Him. My daily living should be looking for His approval, my daily speech should be approved in His presence, my marriage and my parenting should be appropriately seeking for His approval. Too many of us are followers without a lot of strong leaders. Too many of us are afraid to speak out to the non-believers and we will eventually lose everything in this world and the next because of this reluctance. We have to answer for who we elect into office, BECAUSE who we elect into office will lead this town, county, state and country. Who we elect can and will and has changed the way that this country looks for direction. I think America has quit looking up for direction, but are now looking side to side and are content to let the devil have his way with us.
Kindness doesn't come easy for many and kind words are even harder to speak for some. I want my life back or I want God to take me out of this world. The harder I try, the harder it gets. Why? Well, I officially give up. Going through the motions, putting on a front, I am tired of living the lie. I am tired of not being true to those I love. I am just tired.
I have tried and tried and I do get tired but I believe in the power of God and His word. I may struggle with MY worth but I don't question His worth and His laws that He has set forth. I think and ponder over what I need to do to change and I pray, constantly for His forgiveness.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A Heavy Heart to start 2012
One of my resolutions was to find a way to manage my feelings/depression. Thing is, when I get extremely overwhelmed, I have no control over things. I just want to get things done and go to bed. Sleep is where comfort is at a time like this.
By most of your standards, I would be considered broken. On days like today, I feel like there will never be any way to repair me. I have come a long way but I still feel so lonely. Weight loss has changed the way people respond to me, which makes me feel like I did when I was broken and deeply hurt. Rejected, denied, and discounted. Not worth the time. I feel like this is 'my just due'. If I appear to be self assured and confident, I am then being prideful and showy. Who uses the word "showy" anymore, really and who still sends anonymous letters to people judging them? What kind of person does that?
I believe my Christian family is the best blessing that God gave me, but I don't feel like I belong anymore, just the last 6 months when my weight loss has been substantial. I don't want to hear about how great I look, while you stand at arms length, when I am dying inside. While I used to like having a quiet lunch at work and "catching up" with work, I don't like eating alone. My other options are to go out shopping, not, or waste gas driving around. I was asked to go to lunch more often, but that has stopped. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
I find myself wishing to switch places with a sweet child that deserves more than what he is getting. While I who have more does not deserve it. I am frustrated and most of my control has been taken away. We have had our Golden Retriever, Lacey Noel for 10 years, and it seems like we are going to have to make some tough choices. I vowed that I would never let another dog suffer as I did with Kodie trying to 'save' her with meds, tests, trials, vitamins, and treatments. Never again will I do that. We put our deposit down on Lacey when she was 1 week old, and her eyes were not even open. We all had been crushed by losing Kodie and days after her death secured Lacey with a payment. She was opposite Kodie in color, build and facial structure as we wanted so we would not compare the two. Both awesome dogs, amazing protectors of their boys. Severe ear infections that we or the vets cannot clear up, suspected cancer and obvious major hip and shoulders discomfort. Too many things. I have been working to treat her ears, but the smell is terrible and seems to get worse. It is only a matter of time, and we have been requested to try to wait until Zach is here. We will try.
I wonder if doing what I needed to do to save my life may in fact hamper it? I don't understand chemistry; I have always known my body, how it feels and what makes things go. I can't figure anything out anymore and I can't make myself as healthy as I want to be. I want my strength back, my energy back and I want the happy me back. I feel like I have been doing battle for over a year, and I guess I have, since my ACL was replaced. I have never, ever in my life had problems with my ears, and now at age 43, I am having problems. They make me light-headed, nauseous and more often than not, cause me to emit what I have recently nourished myself with. I am too impatient, I want answers now.
I also have another child on my heart and wait for decisions that may be made soon.
My main frustration lately is asking and never getting. I ask for things to be done that I need but it doesn't matter, so I go through doing things the long, hard way because I grow tired of asking. It makes things redundant and taxing. I don't understand why people just ignore others requests, because if it didn't matter, I would NOT ask. People use the term "silent treatment", but it is not. It is just not wasting the breath to ask, because you know they will never follow through.
The way the world is turning makes me sad sometimes, because I am a toucher, a hugger, someone who cares when someone is having a bad day or week. If I sense that something is wrong, I ask, and try to help, but it seems as though people don't have time for people anymore. If they sense you are not your normal. perky self, they avoid you. I believe in the power of touch and hugs, I believe in love. Love of family, love of friends, love of God. I am painted as naive, someone who doesn't understand how the world is. Oh, but I do know and so we just go along with it and accept it? I think not. Isn't this why we have gotten where we are? No one would ever speak up, or continue loving like we were all raised to love and hug and help others.
There are a few other things that are heavy on my heart, but I am not at liberty to discuss them on here. They are way too personal or would cause problems. I am just me, being the best that I can be and keeping my head above water. I am mostly deep in thought when others think I am upset or angry and that is very bothersome, but we all know people will always make assumptions without asking almost every time. That is a pet peeve of mine especially when the ones doing that are the ones you thought you were close to.
By most of your standards, I would be considered broken. On days like today, I feel like there will never be any way to repair me. I have come a long way but I still feel so lonely. Weight loss has changed the way people respond to me, which makes me feel like I did when I was broken and deeply hurt. Rejected, denied, and discounted. Not worth the time. I feel like this is 'my just due'. If I appear to be self assured and confident, I am then being prideful and showy. Who uses the word "showy" anymore, really and who still sends anonymous letters to people judging them? What kind of person does that?
I believe my Christian family is the best blessing that God gave me, but I don't feel like I belong anymore, just the last 6 months when my weight loss has been substantial. I don't want to hear about how great I look, while you stand at arms length, when I am dying inside. While I used to like having a quiet lunch at work and "catching up" with work, I don't like eating alone. My other options are to go out shopping, not, or waste gas driving around. I was asked to go to lunch more often, but that has stopped. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
I find myself wishing to switch places with a sweet child that deserves more than what he is getting. While I who have more does not deserve it. I am frustrated and most of my control has been taken away. We have had our Golden Retriever, Lacey Noel for 10 years, and it seems like we are going to have to make some tough choices. I vowed that I would never let another dog suffer as I did with Kodie trying to 'save' her with meds, tests, trials, vitamins, and treatments. Never again will I do that. We put our deposit down on Lacey when she was 1 week old, and her eyes were not even open. We all had been crushed by losing Kodie and days after her death secured Lacey with a payment. She was opposite Kodie in color, build and facial structure as we wanted so we would not compare the two. Both awesome dogs, amazing protectors of their boys. Severe ear infections that we or the vets cannot clear up, suspected cancer and obvious major hip and shoulders discomfort. Too many things. I have been working to treat her ears, but the smell is terrible and seems to get worse. It is only a matter of time, and we have been requested to try to wait until Zach is here. We will try.
I wonder if doing what I needed to do to save my life may in fact hamper it? I don't understand chemistry; I have always known my body, how it feels and what makes things go. I can't figure anything out anymore and I can't make myself as healthy as I want to be. I want my strength back, my energy back and I want the happy me back. I feel like I have been doing battle for over a year, and I guess I have, since my ACL was replaced. I have never, ever in my life had problems with my ears, and now at age 43, I am having problems. They make me light-headed, nauseous and more often than not, cause me to emit what I have recently nourished myself with. I am too impatient, I want answers now.
I also have another child on my heart and wait for decisions that may be made soon.
My main frustration lately is asking and never getting. I ask for things to be done that I need but it doesn't matter, so I go through doing things the long, hard way because I grow tired of asking. It makes things redundant and taxing. I don't understand why people just ignore others requests, because if it didn't matter, I would NOT ask. People use the term "silent treatment", but it is not. It is just not wasting the breath to ask, because you know they will never follow through.
The way the world is turning makes me sad sometimes, because I am a toucher, a hugger, someone who cares when someone is having a bad day or week. If I sense that something is wrong, I ask, and try to help, but it seems as though people don't have time for people anymore. If they sense you are not your normal. perky self, they avoid you. I believe in the power of touch and hugs, I believe in love. Love of family, love of friends, love of God. I am painted as naive, someone who doesn't understand how the world is. Oh, but I do know and so we just go along with it and accept it? I think not. Isn't this why we have gotten where we are? No one would ever speak up, or continue loving like we were all raised to love and hug and help others.
There are a few other things that are heavy on my heart, but I am not at liberty to discuss them on here. They are way too personal or would cause problems. I am just me, being the best that I can be and keeping my head above water. I am mostly deep in thought when others think I am upset or angry and that is very bothersome, but we all know people will always make assumptions without asking almost every time. That is a pet peeve of mine especially when the ones doing that are the ones you thought you were close to.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The road to higher education ends in a dead end....
I have always dreamed of being able to go back to school. I always thought my honey would get his degree and a job to go with that degree and I could go to college full time. Even applying for the Pell Grant, beginning this is out of grasp, and is very frustrating. I can't explain how I felt today.
I have to go on with what is working, taking care of my family, contributing to our household budget, and keeping our heads above water. I may never have more that a high school diploma to show for, but I long to learn more. I love to have things to challenge my mind, and I love to stretch it above and have more knowledge than what I had yesterday. I have a full doctorate degree in the school of hard knocks but no one wants your knowledge when it is earned that way.
I would love classes to improve my job today as I have it. English and writing classes to have a better understanding or refresher of the proper use of the English language and sentence structure. Computer training to make working the programs easier, instead of going about things the long way. I can play long enough on a program and learn it fairly well, but if I don't use it often, it goes by the way side.
I would love to be able to begin writing, but I lack the confidence of my sentence structure and would like a larger thesaurus in my mental vocabulary. Just from life experiences and from thoughts in my mind, I have a wide array of things that I believe that I could write well about.
What I cannot change, is not to continue dwelling on, so I will put it on the back burner until something changes.
I have to go on with what is working, taking care of my family, contributing to our household budget, and keeping our heads above water. I may never have more that a high school diploma to show for, but I long to learn more. I love to have things to challenge my mind, and I love to stretch it above and have more knowledge than what I had yesterday. I have a full doctorate degree in the school of hard knocks but no one wants your knowledge when it is earned that way.
I would love classes to improve my job today as I have it. English and writing classes to have a better understanding or refresher of the proper use of the English language and sentence structure. Computer training to make working the programs easier, instead of going about things the long way. I can play long enough on a program and learn it fairly well, but if I don't use it often, it goes by the way side.
I would love to be able to begin writing, but I lack the confidence of my sentence structure and would like a larger thesaurus in my mental vocabulary. Just from life experiences and from thoughts in my mind, I have a wide array of things that I believe that I could write well about.
What I cannot change, is not to continue dwelling on, so I will put it on the back burner until something changes.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand...
After taking a sleeping pill and a Vicodin, I am wide awake; maybe they counter-acted each other but none the less I cannot sleep. I have many events that stand to be corrected and in my present physical state, I feel myself lacking in the energy to correct it.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Things I strongly dislike....
I don't have much understanding for just crude stuff and the one thing that I think is so disrespectful and crude is this wrist bands that say "I boobies!" One, it is called Breast Cancer and is a very serious type of cancer. I have lost many friends and family, and have very dear friends that I would never disrespect by wearing anything like that! I notice that is mostly men that wear them, but I don't think I have ever met a single man that didn't "love boobies" so why do certain men need to advertise? Insecurity? I strongly dislike them and I think they are so disrespectful and watching my dear friend fight this dreaded disease angers me even more.I am even more put out when people wear them into worship. Where does that belong? I saw a male species (and I use the term lightly) tonight who had one of these bands on. He was not someone that you would consider a desirable date option but you know what he loves. Pshhh....
I also don't understand the face piercings. I'm not talking about the tiny nose piercings (which I think are cute in most cases), I am talking hoops in the lips, nose and eyebrows. What is it with the huge black hoops stretching the ear lobes? How some people scar and stretch their bodies and faces is so beyond me. I see younger and younger children being allowed to do this to their faces and bodies. Seriously, I don't think I could ever kiss someone that has lip piercings. It is really disgusting.
Parents that are sucked into the 'fashion fad' and allow their young girls to wear clothing that is way too suggestive or inappropriate. Why does America want to expose our precious little girls like this? Why do we as Christians not teach our daughters and special girls in our lives that their bodies belong to God first and then only to their husbands? It is a lesson that MUST be taught. There is modest and stylist clothing for girls. I appreciate and respect the moms that make their swimsuits and clothing and the girls are aware of what modesty means, even at young ages. Just because a girl has not met puberty, doesn't mean low cut or short short is appropriate. Creepers and sexual predators are looking at your little girls! They need to be protected by the people that God entrusted with them. Otherwise our girls don't have a chance, they are sending out messages that they don't even know they are sending. Just FYI, I feel the same about our boys too. Don't allow this 'sagging' mess. Who wants to see someones underwear? Not I. I usually just walk by singing the "Pants on the ground" song and they pull them up.
Friday, August 5, 2011
What is in the best interest of the child?
I will start off by saying I apologize if you are offended by this post but will not apologize for my morals and my beliefs.
I am currently taking a class in a child related field, and one of the statements among many that made us think was, "I believe that gay and lesbian couples should be able to foster and adopt children." The choices for our responses were "Strongly agree", "Agree", "Disagree" and "Strongly Disagree". As we went around the room I hear "Agree" (s) coming out of the responses and as they came to me, my response was "Strongly Disagree", and all heads turned to see who had responded like that, I mean who is seriously politically incorrect! I was asked why I strongly disagree. My answer was simple, God intended for a child to be raised by 1 man and 1 woman, and just because society and our very immoral nation thinks that homosexuality is OK, I by no means believe that. An older man spoke up, "wouldn't you rather a child be raised in a home with love than to stay in the system?" My answer was, "I don't want any child to stay in the system, but no, I would rather the child wait until a true family came around for them". He didn't like this answer either and shook his head, rolled his eyes and had that smirk on his face that said I was a stupid 'conservative' female. His next question, "why would you do that to a child, deny them the chance to be loved?" Key word there is chance, chance to be loved. My response was this, "By taking the responsibility of this child in my hands, and deciding what is in the best interest of that child, I could not in good consciounce place a child with a family that is living in sin,(this would also include a couple that was shacked up) becuase the chances of that child ever knowing the true and living God is slim to none and that child's eternity and that child's soul are more important to me than making a few beurocratic knuckle heads happy". I do believe we will answer for things like this. We do not think about anything long term. We do not think about our eternity, we do what gratifies us NOW, and we will deal with the other later. When deciding the fate of a child, I could not recommend placing a child in a home with gay or lesbian parents.
Are there other options? ABsolutely, and my option I am selecting is that I will not preside over a case where there are any homosexual couples involved. I know "man's law" has deemed this type of lifestyle acceptable because people are "born that way"?! I don't believe that either. God made us in HIS image. God is NOT homosexual, in fact, He says this about homosexuality...
"So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:27, 28
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." Leviticus 18:22
"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." Levitucus 20:13
After I stated my position on this situation, 2 other women said they agreed with me and 1 said that she would not accept a case like that either.
My goal is to protect the soul and eternity of every child I can and by giving them an average chance of coming to know the Lord, by not placing them in a home that is living in sin. As much as I want them to be loved here on earth and treasured as every child should be, eternity is a much longer spell. I do beleive it is in the best interest of a child to place them with a mom and a dad and prayfully, in a Christian home. THAT is in every child's best interest.
Another point I had was children in foster care, remove from their homes for chaos, abuse, neglect, and then placed with a homosexual couple. Does that stop the chaos? Will kids not make fun of that child that has 2 mommies or 2 daddies? Absolutely, and the chaos continues. Children that are removed from unthinkable situations should not be placed in homes that God says is an abomination. That is going from the unthinkable to the unthinkable.
I heard that 2 men adopted 3 little girls (siblings), but how are 2 men going to teach 3 little girls how to grow up to be moral and responsible young women? Little girls need a mommy & a daddy and little boys need a daddy and a mommy. Yes, I am aware that every child doesn't have that luxury, and does it make their life wrong? No, I was raised without a father, by his choice, and yes, I did think I missed out but my life was good, better than it ever would have been with him in my life. His absence DID affect my life in many negative ways but I am a bigger person than his comments or hatefulness. I had positive male role models and I was very sheltered from the sin of the world, but eventually you see it all.
Sitting a child on the front row seat at a porn show would be unthinkable, but placing them in an immoral home is no different, they are seeing and believing things that are not right or moral.
I love children enough to speak up for them and the bible is my first instruction manual in making that decision. If this is not for me, time will tell, but I beleive that my consciounce and my moral beliefs should be respected, as I do others, but when children are concerned, we have to think longer, not just tomorrow but next year and 100 years down the line.
I am currently taking a class in a child related field, and one of the statements among many that made us think was, "I believe that gay and lesbian couples should be able to foster and adopt children." The choices for our responses were "Strongly agree", "Agree", "Disagree" and "Strongly Disagree". As we went around the room I hear "Agree" (s) coming out of the responses and as they came to me, my response was "Strongly Disagree", and all heads turned to see who had responded like that, I mean who is seriously politically incorrect! I was asked why I strongly disagree. My answer was simple, God intended for a child to be raised by 1 man and 1 woman, and just because society and our very immoral nation thinks that homosexuality is OK, I by no means believe that. An older man spoke up, "wouldn't you rather a child be raised in a home with love than to stay in the system?" My answer was, "I don't want any child to stay in the system, but no, I would rather the child wait until a true family came around for them". He didn't like this answer either and shook his head, rolled his eyes and had that smirk on his face that said I was a stupid 'conservative' female. His next question, "why would you do that to a child, deny them the chance to be loved?" Key word there is chance, chance to be loved. My response was this, "By taking the responsibility of this child in my hands, and deciding what is in the best interest of that child, I could not in good consciounce place a child with a family that is living in sin,(this would also include a couple that was shacked up) becuase the chances of that child ever knowing the true and living God is slim to none and that child's eternity and that child's soul are more important to me than making a few beurocratic knuckle heads happy". I do believe we will answer for things like this. We do not think about anything long term. We do not think about our eternity, we do what gratifies us NOW, and we will deal with the other later. When deciding the fate of a child, I could not recommend placing a child in a home with gay or lesbian parents.
Are there other options? ABsolutely, and my option I am selecting is that I will not preside over a case where there are any homosexual couples involved. I know "man's law" has deemed this type of lifestyle acceptable because people are "born that way"?! I don't believe that either. God made us in HIS image. God is NOT homosexual, in fact, He says this about homosexuality...
"So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:27, 28
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." Leviticus 18:22
"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." Levitucus 20:13
After I stated my position on this situation, 2 other women said they agreed with me and 1 said that she would not accept a case like that either.
My goal is to protect the soul and eternity of every child I can and by giving them an average chance of coming to know the Lord, by not placing them in a home that is living in sin. As much as I want them to be loved here on earth and treasured as every child should be, eternity is a much longer spell. I do beleive it is in the best interest of a child to place them with a mom and a dad and prayfully, in a Christian home. THAT is in every child's best interest.
Another point I had was children in foster care, remove from their homes for chaos, abuse, neglect, and then placed with a homosexual couple. Does that stop the chaos? Will kids not make fun of that child that has 2 mommies or 2 daddies? Absolutely, and the chaos continues. Children that are removed from unthinkable situations should not be placed in homes that God says is an abomination. That is going from the unthinkable to the unthinkable.
I heard that 2 men adopted 3 little girls (siblings), but how are 2 men going to teach 3 little girls how to grow up to be moral and responsible young women? Little girls need a mommy & a daddy and little boys need a daddy and a mommy. Yes, I am aware that every child doesn't have that luxury, and does it make their life wrong? No, I was raised without a father, by his choice, and yes, I did think I missed out but my life was good, better than it ever would have been with him in my life. His absence DID affect my life in many negative ways but I am a bigger person than his comments or hatefulness. I had positive male role models and I was very sheltered from the sin of the world, but eventually you see it all.
Sitting a child on the front row seat at a porn show would be unthinkable, but placing them in an immoral home is no different, they are seeing and believing things that are not right or moral.
I love children enough to speak up for them and the bible is my first instruction manual in making that decision. If this is not for me, time will tell, but I beleive that my consciounce and my moral beliefs should be respected, as I do others, but when children are concerned, we have to think longer, not just tomorrow but next year and 100 years down the line.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thanks, I needed that!
Have you ever sat in church and listened to the sermon like it was written for you? Even though I know for certain it wasn't, it was exactly what I was needing. I have been doing my own private bible study concerning forgiveness and how to forgive myself. I am also my biggest critic, judge and jury and no one else could ever convict me harder than I convict myself. As well as forgiveness I have been studying confidence (because I am lacking that). I have ordered a book that comes out in August called "The Confident Woman" and I am not working on the author's study and pre-book study she has posted, but more about that later.
In studying about forgiveness, my thoughts go to others, I can preach self-forgiveness like I am convicted by it, but my words speak way louder than my actions. I always doubt myself, criticize myself and condemn myself. Do you know how sometimes things just click? Well, the sermon today was ones of those 'clicks' for me. I am always telling my kids that the only person whose opinion matters is God. If you are doing what God has asked, everyone should approve. (But we all know that is not always the way of the world.) My words came back to bite me and I understand now how wrong I was. When I asked God to forgive my wrongs, and He did, but I could not forgive myself, what am I doing? Am I saying I am higher than God? I believe that anyone that knows me, knows that I am not like that. Am I saying Jesus' blood sacrifice was not important? In a way I was, I was being very disrespectful to Christ, His sacrifice, and His grace.
Asking for forgiveness from Him, AND forgiving myself are key to receiving His grace. They are key to healing from your own iniquities. When He makes a promise, He keeps His promises and I needed to understand that I have to believe in His plan and stop judging myself when the true judge has already freed me from the bondage of my sins. If I am going to make a request for forgiveness from Him, I need to follow through with the plan, and stop letting my past interfere with my present and most definitely keep it out of my future by learning from my mistakes and not repeating them.
I appreciate Randy Daw and his honest preaching. He doesn't just preach to us, he preaches to himself as well, and that is very humbling, but mostly encouraging to me.
All in all, it was an amazing weekend. Zach and Jo are home until August 6th and he will fly out to Korea for a year and she will head out to Indiana between the middle to end of August. It was nice coming home and all my kids were home. Saturday got the yard all done, dogs all bathed, and we hit some thrift stores and the Super Goodwill in Garland and then we spent time with JB's parents, my parents, my kids, all at Jb's brother's home, swimming, playing games and cooking out. I was wonderful family time. Sunday is my favorite day of the week, and today was wonderful. I cooked a roast, potatoes, carrots since my best friend Donna and her daughter Mollie were coming in to drop off Mollie for the week. I have needed my Mollie fix. I also found out the Adam (Hoss) and his very pregnant wife were coming for lunch (so I added another roast to the other one) and we had a wonderful lunch and visiting time. Then I got a short nap before church; it was JB, me and Mollie in our big 'ole king bed napping. Just like old times. My boys always liked to nap with us and Mollie does too for Sunday naps, she always has. I am looking forward to this week with all my wonderful kiddos and time will tell how long Mollie will be with me.
I hope you have a wonderful week!
In studying about forgiveness, my thoughts go to others, I can preach self-forgiveness like I am convicted by it, but my words speak way louder than my actions. I always doubt myself, criticize myself and condemn myself. Do you know how sometimes things just click? Well, the sermon today was ones of those 'clicks' for me. I am always telling my kids that the only person whose opinion matters is God. If you are doing what God has asked, everyone should approve. (But we all know that is not always the way of the world.) My words came back to bite me and I understand now how wrong I was. When I asked God to forgive my wrongs, and He did, but I could not forgive myself, what am I doing? Am I saying I am higher than God? I believe that anyone that knows me, knows that I am not like that. Am I saying Jesus' blood sacrifice was not important? In a way I was, I was being very disrespectful to Christ, His sacrifice, and His grace.
Asking for forgiveness from Him, AND forgiving myself are key to receiving His grace. They are key to healing from your own iniquities. When He makes a promise, He keeps His promises and I needed to understand that I have to believe in His plan and stop judging myself when the true judge has already freed me from the bondage of my sins. If I am going to make a request for forgiveness from Him, I need to follow through with the plan, and stop letting my past interfere with my present and most definitely keep it out of my future by learning from my mistakes and not repeating them.
I appreciate Randy Daw and his honest preaching. He doesn't just preach to us, he preaches to himself as well, and that is very humbling, but mostly encouraging to me.
All in all, it was an amazing weekend. Zach and Jo are home until August 6th and he will fly out to Korea for a year and she will head out to Indiana between the middle to end of August. It was nice coming home and all my kids were home. Saturday got the yard all done, dogs all bathed, and we hit some thrift stores and the Super Goodwill in Garland and then we spent time with JB's parents, my parents, my kids, all at Jb's brother's home, swimming, playing games and cooking out. I was wonderful family time. Sunday is my favorite day of the week, and today was wonderful. I cooked a roast, potatoes, carrots since my best friend Donna and her daughter Mollie were coming in to drop off Mollie for the week. I have needed my Mollie fix. I also found out the Adam (Hoss) and his very pregnant wife were coming for lunch (so I added another roast to the other one) and we had a wonderful lunch and visiting time. Then I got a short nap before church; it was JB, me and Mollie in our big 'ole king bed napping. Just like old times. My boys always liked to nap with us and Mollie does too for Sunday naps, she always has. I am looking forward to this week with all my wonderful kiddos and time will tell how long Mollie will be with me.
I hope you have a wonderful week!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
About to press the play button on, pause on my life is off...
This was our last full day and we have decided to start breaking down camp tonight and packing the truck so all we have to do is minimal morning things to get to the house so we can go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. It has been such a hot week and with him feeling bad as it is, mom needs to check on her baby. We will try to make it to the worship portion of camp and have lunch with Brayden.
Today as planned we went into Sulpher Springs to prowl through some antique shops. We enjoyed each other’s company but there is definitely a difference between the hospitality in SS than Cooper; big difference. We found a few little things, since I was grounded from buying anything bigger than a book. Spoil sport. JB found an old football instructions book written by the Navy that he thought was quite comical! Mostly I believe that he enjoys razzing his Navy family and friends.
Time has been good and tonight will be equally great! I needed this and used it well. There has been no drama, no neediness, no anything except much needed quiet time reconnecting with my honey and my Lord. Placing yourself back to the basics (if you can call my camper that) with nature and the things that don’t care about the drama of the world.
I have heard, mostly through Facebook, some not so good things that have happened in the world this week. I was sad when the child (Caylee) turned up missing and the thought that something could have happened at the hands of her mother. I can’t change it and judgment will be the Lord’s. I would hate to think that I passed judgment on one who was just flat making bad choice after bad choice and it caught up with her. None of it will bring that sweet baby back and I don’t want to be judged for my bitterness and anger on something I will never know the truth about. I was also very sad for the little boy whose daddy fell to his death at the Rangers game. I recently had that same scary experience with my own husband so I know how easy it is for someone to reach a little too far for something being thrown especially if it is for their child. My prayers have gone up for that family and all those touched by these tragic events. It does sadden me of those who make light of any death and those that in anger strike out because they are unhappy with the judicial system.
I can remember being a young mom, but luckily I had strength in my marriage and my husband by my side. These moms raising kids alone will sometimes do anything to keep their man, even if it means hurting or getting rid of the most precious gift they ever received. It is not how God intended but let’s face it, we have gotten way away from what God wants. When we start to return to God we will see children being raised in whole, complete, loving families. I am NOT looking down on or judging single moms or teen moms. I was raised by a single mom, but not by her choice. My mom worked full time and went to school full time and took care of us with the help of her parents. My best friend is a single mom and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are better without the father. I know without any doubt that I am better because my father was not in my life. No matter what a parent does, (listen to me, everyone ready to condemn) that child will love and trust that parent until they draw their last breath. I understand there are extenuating circumstances, what I don’t understand is young ladies CHOOSING to bring a baby into this world WITHOUT a lifetime commitment from a man. Without a ring on their finger.
Are complete families perfect? Very rarely, but the love of natural mother/father, grandparents, etc. is unmatched to any. No one can love a child like their own parent. Has my husband or myself been the perfect parents and partners? NO WAY! Not even close, we still work daily on loving our children and each other. IT IS A JOB, Family and marriage is VERY HARD WORK! It takes everyone involved to be committed.
My son married young and I heard from so many about how I should stop the wedding and talk to them. Guys, listen, marriage is NOT about age, marriage is about commitment. Our preacher says one phrase that I love, when he is talking about re-building your marriage and when troubles come in your marriage, “Divorce is NOT an option!” If you go into marriage KNOWING this, everything is workable.
Just like this week, my husband and I have to take time for US. If you lose sight of each other, things start to unravel. We try to get away and reconnect as partners for each other and for our boys. This week was very timely for both of us. The last year has been anything but normal for us. Neither of us has dealt much with surgeries, and this year we had 3 between the two of us. We also had to deal with a sort of separation when my husband was moved to 2nd shift which meant he was gone from 3-11pm, so my son and I only saw him on the weekend, IF he wasn’t scheduled to work then also. It was very hard on our family, very emotional because we have always spent a lot of time together. Even the military never got that hard. We had our schedule and he had his and they never seemed to meet the expectations of each other. Trying to re-establish our routine again as a family in the evenings has been a challenge but we have taken one day at a time. Much to talk about and much to figure out where our family will be going and in what direction we will take.
Today, our last day here was awesome. We packed the camper with what we could and plan to leave out early to spend time with our kids, all of them. Zachary is leaving for Korea on August 6th and he will be gone for one year, and that is very bittersweet for me. This is his independence, this is his life, this is his job and mom can’t be there all the time. Zachary’s wife won’t be able to go and will move to Indiana with her parents until Zachary returns and they make their home once again in Utah.
I am ready to assume life again. I am pressing the button and removing the ‘pause’ status on my life and will go full force into enjoying what is left of it, with my husband and my kids and my wonderful family and friends by my side. We will tackle the challenges that will face our whole family and make decisions thinking about what God would have us do and striving to please Him.
Today as planned we went into Sulpher Springs to prowl through some antique shops. We enjoyed each other’s company but there is definitely a difference between the hospitality in SS than Cooper; big difference. We found a few little things, since I was grounded from buying anything bigger than a book. Spoil sport. JB found an old football instructions book written by the Navy that he thought was quite comical! Mostly I believe that he enjoys razzing his Navy family and friends.
Time has been good and tonight will be equally great! I needed this and used it well. There has been no drama, no neediness, no anything except much needed quiet time reconnecting with my honey and my Lord. Placing yourself back to the basics (if you can call my camper that) with nature and the things that don’t care about the drama of the world.
I have heard, mostly through Facebook, some not so good things that have happened in the world this week. I was sad when the child (Caylee) turned up missing and the thought that something could have happened at the hands of her mother. I can’t change it and judgment will be the Lord’s. I would hate to think that I passed judgment on one who was just flat making bad choice after bad choice and it caught up with her. None of it will bring that sweet baby back and I don’t want to be judged for my bitterness and anger on something I will never know the truth about. I was also very sad for the little boy whose daddy fell to his death at the Rangers game. I recently had that same scary experience with my own husband so I know how easy it is for someone to reach a little too far for something being thrown especially if it is for their child. My prayers have gone up for that family and all those touched by these tragic events. It does sadden me of those who make light of any death and those that in anger strike out because they are unhappy with the judicial system.
I can remember being a young mom, but luckily I had strength in my marriage and my husband by my side. These moms raising kids alone will sometimes do anything to keep their man, even if it means hurting or getting rid of the most precious gift they ever received. It is not how God intended but let’s face it, we have gotten way away from what God wants. When we start to return to God we will see children being raised in whole, complete, loving families. I am NOT looking down on or judging single moms or teen moms. I was raised by a single mom, but not by her choice. My mom worked full time and went to school full time and took care of us with the help of her parents. My best friend is a single mom and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are better without the father. I know without any doubt that I am better because my father was not in my life. No matter what a parent does, (listen to me, everyone ready to condemn) that child will love and trust that parent until they draw their last breath. I understand there are extenuating circumstances, what I don’t understand is young ladies CHOOSING to bring a baby into this world WITHOUT a lifetime commitment from a man. Without a ring on their finger.
Are complete families perfect? Very rarely, but the love of natural mother/father, grandparents, etc. is unmatched to any. No one can love a child like their own parent. Has my husband or myself been the perfect parents and partners? NO WAY! Not even close, we still work daily on loving our children and each other. IT IS A JOB, Family and marriage is VERY HARD WORK! It takes everyone involved to be committed.
My son married young and I heard from so many about how I should stop the wedding and talk to them. Guys, listen, marriage is NOT about age, marriage is about commitment. Our preacher says one phrase that I love, when he is talking about re-building your marriage and when troubles come in your marriage, “Divorce is NOT an option!” If you go into marriage KNOWING this, everything is workable.
Just like this week, my husband and I have to take time for US. If you lose sight of each other, things start to unravel. We try to get away and reconnect as partners for each other and for our boys. This week was very timely for both of us. The last year has been anything but normal for us. Neither of us has dealt much with surgeries, and this year we had 3 between the two of us. We also had to deal with a sort of separation when my husband was moved to 2nd shift which meant he was gone from 3-11pm, so my son and I only saw him on the weekend, IF he wasn’t scheduled to work then also. It was very hard on our family, very emotional because we have always spent a lot of time together. Even the military never got that hard. We had our schedule and he had his and they never seemed to meet the expectations of each other. Trying to re-establish our routine again as a family in the evenings has been a challenge but we have taken one day at a time. Much to talk about and much to figure out where our family will be going and in what direction we will take.
Today, our last day here was awesome. We packed the camper with what we could and plan to leave out early to spend time with our kids, all of them. Zachary is leaving for Korea on August 6th and he will be gone for one year, and that is very bittersweet for me. This is his independence, this is his life, this is his job and mom can’t be there all the time. Zachary’s wife won’t be able to go and will move to Indiana with her parents until Zachary returns and they make their home once again in Utah.
I am ready to assume life again. I am pressing the button and removing the ‘pause’ status on my life and will go full force into enjoying what is left of it, with my husband and my kids and my wonderful family and friends by my side. We will tackle the challenges that will face our whole family and make decisions thinking about what God would have us do and striving to please Him.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I caught my first fish ever....
Day 4 and I caught my first fish. By time I get back to Greenville, my fish story will be enormous! In all actuality it was a small crappie about 8 inches long. He was very happy to be released back so he could grow some more. It reminds me of that movie, “the Incredible Mr. Limpet” where the first jumps in the lake and waves to the people behind. No, we didn’t get that much gratitude but none the less, he was grateful to not be part of our lunch. Or at the rate that we can eat, he could have been our whole lunch! It was an absolutely beautiful morning on the pier from 8-10 am; there was a nice cooling breeze coming off the water, so much so that I almost lost my cowboy hat a couple times and that my friends would have been a catastrophe! I have never been a hat person, ever, but people buy me hats and I think I look like a total dork in them. As hot as it was predicted to be, I thought I needed to wear one because I burn way too easily. I have actually enjoyed them this week. My honey, who always wears a cap didn’t bring a single one with him and didn’t want to wear mine?!?! Wonder why? Yes, you are right if you said he had to buy him a cap! What a lame excuse! But oh, well, such as life.
Armed with our chairs, cooler with water and orangeade and lemonade, tackle box, fishing poles and florescent green worms, (they even bled the neon green when you tore them in half to feed the fish!) my 50SPF sun block, granola bar, and cell phone (to call 911 when I caught JB somewhere with my hook trying to cast out. I always think ahead) we headed out not early enough, but still early to do this fishing thing. And I enjoyed it but soon realized that I should have brought a book to read while waiting for the bell on my fishing pole to ring. I think it was a wonderful morning relaxing.
On the way back to camp, the truck yelled at us, do any of you have a vehicle that yells at you when the gas gage is low? Ours does and it scares me every time. We got a little gas by the lake and went on into Cooper to get a better price. While we were in Cooper, we stopped at another antique store that wasn’t open yesterday. The little lady that owned it talked and talked, telling me everything that the particular item I was looking at was used for. This shop was pretty chaotic and things were in boxes and you couldn’t get down rows, etc. Now I love to dig for things but would definitely prefer that the air conditioner be on while I am doing that, so we didn’t hang out long. Yes, I did buy something. But I REALLY NEEDED it! It was a swivel stool for my vanity and it is so cute and once again matches nothing in my house, but it is now mine! I have been using an office desk but have wanted a stool, and when that silly thing called my name, I had to take it home. It has been recovered in leopard print material (why it matches nothing in my house) but it will be fine where I want to use it.
I have also decided that the town of Cooper has the nicest people! Everywhere we go, people are so kind and friendly like they have known us forever. If you don’t feel like you belong in this world, come visit downtown Cooper shops. After purchasing my great find, we decided to have lunch downtown, our plan was to not eat out this week, but we went to a place called Burgers ‘n Beans on the square, and you talk about friendly. I love listening to conversation all around me from people that truly love and enjoying being with those they are with. B ‘n B reminded me a lot of Ruby’s café in downtown Greenville. And just like when I go to Ruby’s, I got beans and cornbread with onions! They were so good! JB got a corndog and was able to eat the whole thing after resting about ¾ of the way through. Sometimes I am envious because I couldn’t even think about eating a corndog at 6 weeks post-op. He said it tasted absolutely wonderful! Oh, the little things. Funny thing about us eating out, it absolutely drives wait staff crazy when we don’t order something to drink. They just about fall over themselves trying to convince us to drink something, anything! One time at Ruby’s, they just brought us waters and we had to explain our situation and that the drink in front of us would be too much temptation.
After lunch we headed to look for a sign I saw earlier yesterday. All it said was “Free donkeys”. I wanted a picture because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. But who wants another donkey in their lives, right? We never did find it and disagreed where the point was that I began laughing about the sign. I have seen many signs, free puppies, free kittens, free husband, but never a sign that said free donkeys. What to do with that free donkey?!?! Nothing is ever free anyways! And now my honey thinks I am obsessing over the free donkeys, but do not question the fact that I DO NOT WANT a free donkey! After that wonderful adventure, we came back to the camp and took a good nap, which is what this week was about, resting, relaxing and not being needed by anyone except the one with me.
I was expecting that a friend might visit yesterday and was planning for us to make salads for dinner, since my honey won’t touch the stuff; I enjoy having a salad with friends. Events made it so she didn’t get to come out, so I fixed my salad tonight for dinner and was it ever wonderful. Romaine greens, chopped rotisserie chicken, blue cheese, chopped granny smith apple, and walnuts with some light vinaigrette dressing over it. It went down well and I ate about ½ of it.
Tomorrow will be our last full day and we have talked about maybe leaving out early on Sunday to go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. With him being sick right before leaving, I hate not checking on him. Time will tell though, and we will make a decision soon.
Tonight the plan is to go fishing again, once the sun goes down, so we will see about all that.
Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!
Armed with our chairs, cooler with water and orangeade and lemonade, tackle box, fishing poles and florescent green worms, (they even bled the neon green when you tore them in half to feed the fish!) my 50SPF sun block, granola bar, and cell phone (to call 911 when I caught JB somewhere with my hook trying to cast out. I always think ahead) we headed out not early enough, but still early to do this fishing thing. And I enjoyed it but soon realized that I should have brought a book to read while waiting for the bell on my fishing pole to ring. I think it was a wonderful morning relaxing.
On the way back to camp, the truck yelled at us, do any of you have a vehicle that yells at you when the gas gage is low? Ours does and it scares me every time. We got a little gas by the lake and went on into Cooper to get a better price. While we were in Cooper, we stopped at another antique store that wasn’t open yesterday. The little lady that owned it talked and talked, telling me everything that the particular item I was looking at was used for. This shop was pretty chaotic and things were in boxes and you couldn’t get down rows, etc. Now I love to dig for things but would definitely prefer that the air conditioner be on while I am doing that, so we didn’t hang out long. Yes, I did buy something. But I REALLY NEEDED it! It was a swivel stool for my vanity and it is so cute and once again matches nothing in my house, but it is now mine! I have been using an office desk but have wanted a stool, and when that silly thing called my name, I had to take it home. It has been recovered in leopard print material (why it matches nothing in my house) but it will be fine where I want to use it.
I have also decided that the town of Cooper has the nicest people! Everywhere we go, people are so kind and friendly like they have known us forever. If you don’t feel like you belong in this world, come visit downtown Cooper shops. After purchasing my great find, we decided to have lunch downtown, our plan was to not eat out this week, but we went to a place called Burgers ‘n Beans on the square, and you talk about friendly. I love listening to conversation all around me from people that truly love and enjoying being with those they are with. B ‘n B reminded me a lot of Ruby’s café in downtown Greenville. And just like when I go to Ruby’s, I got beans and cornbread with onions! They were so good! JB got a corndog and was able to eat the whole thing after resting about ¾ of the way through. Sometimes I am envious because I couldn’t even think about eating a corndog at 6 weeks post-op. He said it tasted absolutely wonderful! Oh, the little things. Funny thing about us eating out, it absolutely drives wait staff crazy when we don’t order something to drink. They just about fall over themselves trying to convince us to drink something, anything! One time at Ruby’s, they just brought us waters and we had to explain our situation and that the drink in front of us would be too much temptation.
After lunch we headed to look for a sign I saw earlier yesterday. All it said was “Free donkeys”. I wanted a picture because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. But who wants another donkey in their lives, right? We never did find it and disagreed where the point was that I began laughing about the sign. I have seen many signs, free puppies, free kittens, free husband, but never a sign that said free donkeys. What to do with that free donkey?!?! Nothing is ever free anyways! And now my honey thinks I am obsessing over the free donkeys, but do not question the fact that I DO NOT WANT a free donkey! After that wonderful adventure, we came back to the camp and took a good nap, which is what this week was about, resting, relaxing and not being needed by anyone except the one with me.
I was expecting that a friend might visit yesterday and was planning for us to make salads for dinner, since my honey won’t touch the stuff; I enjoy having a salad with friends. Events made it so she didn’t get to come out, so I fixed my salad tonight for dinner and was it ever wonderful. Romaine greens, chopped rotisserie chicken, blue cheese, chopped granny smith apple, and walnuts with some light vinaigrette dressing over it. It went down well and I ate about ½ of it.
Tomorrow will be our last full day and we have talked about maybe leaving out early on Sunday to go to Camp Deer Run to check on Brayden. With him being sick right before leaving, I hate not checking on him. Time will tell though, and we will make a decision soon.
Tonight the plan is to go fishing again, once the sun goes down, so we will see about all that.
Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
And Thursday was the day we ran away...
Day 3 and Thursday has been so fun and so interesting. I love learning about towns around us and historical facts. We started out this morning by planning a trip into downtown Cooper to check out a few of the antique stores and a soda fountain that JB had heard about. My finds at the antique store today were a tin ‘vase’ of some sort that would work perfectly for our camper kitchen utensils, an antique necklace that was in the ‘sale’ box, a handmade white shawl (since my honey says I am always cold), an antique flour sifter and an end table. The end table was love at first sight, matches nothing in my house, yet (meaning I agreed to re-finish all our other end tables, but planned to do that anyways). The table is an off white that has been rubbed to see the darker wood underneath in spots and has 2 surfaces of table. The top surface has music sheets, about 8-10 songs from church songbooks and the pages are transparent. I just loved it!
After visiting the antique stores we stopped by the Miller pharmacy and soda fountain shop on the square. JB and I split a chocolate milkshake, but the most interesting thing was that this is truly an old fashioned soda shop! Everything used in there to make milkshakes and mix sodas was very old, even the cash register was VERY old. No electronics to it, push in the number and the wooden drawer opens. The lady that made our milkshake is 84 years old and her name is Mrs. Maybel Wheat, she has worked behind that soda fountain for 62 years, making the same thing. They also mix the sodas the old fashioned way, if you want a strong Coke, you get 5 pumps of syrup and if you want a weak Coke, you get 3 pumps. There is no such thing as a diet anything at this soda fountain. Mrs. Maybel chatted and talked and laughed with us. She and her husband raised 2 boys and we have two boys. During our visit there Mrs. Maybel had a leak in her carbonated water fountain and got the tools to fix that stubborn washer. Armed with a screwdriver and fountain wrench, she got busy until it was running properly again, afterall, there was a precious 4 year old little girl that had been asking for Mrs. Maybel’s Coke float for 3 weeks. Oh, and the ice cream that is used is all homemade, so there are only a handful of flavors.
Our main reason for heading to Paris was that JB wanted to get his picture taken with the Eiffle Tower sporting the cowboy hat. Oh, the little things that make that man happy.We then set out to find some lunch and WATER! Not exactly in that order because those that know me well know I can’t drink while I eat. We ended up at TaMolly’s in Paris, of all places. I had posted on Facebook that we were in Paris and one of my girls, Chaun Rai, asked where we were at and shortly after, she was sitting there with us talking. She is going to PJC on a cheerleading scholarship and is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of the strong independent person she has become. We met her guy friend who treats her like she deserves to be treated, like a princess, and we very much like him.
After lunch we were so into Paris, Texas and learning about things we kept looking. JB found the old railroad depot which now has a small museum in it and went through it. It was a neat site. We then found the tombstone of John S. Chishum, a huge cattleman in the late 1800’s, who lead 60,000 to 100,000 cattle from Texas to New Mexico. It was said he was the best counter by his one time partner and always knew how many cattle he had.
We went through an old cemetery in Paris, Evergreen Cemetery, and it had some very old stones. There are over 40,000 remains there and there was so much fascination with how personal some get and how simple others get. Some people were so very loved and you can tell by the sentiments and the sayings. One preacher was buried there, and his congregation erected a monument in his memory (you can see all these pictures on my Facebook page), he was very loved and missed. Family plots range from simple to extraordinaire, and you can tell who had the money by going through a cemetery. The very old stones would say something like, ‘Henrietta Mae who was aged 12 in years, was snatched from us while she slept from the terrible fever. May the Lord watch over her’. No dates or other markings. The original reason for our visit to Evergreen Cemetery was because my crazy honey wanted a picture of the monument that portrayed Jesus wearing a pair of cowboy boots. It was during the late 1800’s and the name was Babcock.
It has been a fun crazy day and we have really enjoyed this venture! I have learned so much today, the worst being that sweet and heat don’t mix for me. I had a bad experience once before but now have absolutely gotten the message. After getting the milkshake and walking a bit, I got sick to my stomach. It was hot and some of the antique stores were not air conditioned, they just had fans placed around different areas. I was OK until I had the milkshake (only a few sips; most was thrown away) and the sweetness of that with the heat hit me. Lesson learned, to not be repeated.
We are now on our way to the Wal-Greens in Sulpher Springs to pick up the steroid medications for JB. His doctor called and it is confirmed that he has gout, so now to get his acid levels back to normal and his foot feeling better. Our bariatric surgeon said this is common after bariatric surgery since your body is being purged of the lifestyle it once knew. I have researched gout and it is a very interesting read. It is amazing how our bodies react to things, which makes it even harder to not believe in the Lord. How amazing that our body does things to fix or compensate (sometimes over compensate) for trauma or stress our bodies encounter.
I am so enjoying this “relaxing, nobody needs me and have no time restraint in our days” week and I have not missed work at all! Usually I feel guilty about being off and such and that is not even a problem. Have barely even thought about the tasks at work of what will be left for me when I get back, because this is all good! It will get done and we will have a successful week, we are having a successful week!
Still ready to go fish and might even consider trying out that game thing called golf. But I won’t volunteer that information, it will be a wait and see week!
After visiting the antique stores we stopped by the Miller pharmacy and soda fountain shop on the square. JB and I split a chocolate milkshake, but the most interesting thing was that this is truly an old fashioned soda shop! Everything used in there to make milkshakes and mix sodas was very old, even the cash register was VERY old. No electronics to it, push in the number and the wooden drawer opens. The lady that made our milkshake is 84 years old and her name is Mrs. Maybel Wheat, she has worked behind that soda fountain for 62 years, making the same thing. They also mix the sodas the old fashioned way, if you want a strong Coke, you get 5 pumps of syrup and if you want a weak Coke, you get 3 pumps. There is no such thing as a diet anything at this soda fountain. Mrs. Maybel chatted and talked and laughed with us. She and her husband raised 2 boys and we have two boys. During our visit there Mrs. Maybel had a leak in her carbonated water fountain and got the tools to fix that stubborn washer. Armed with a screwdriver and fountain wrench, she got busy until it was running properly again, afterall, there was a precious 4 year old little girl that had been asking for Mrs. Maybel’s Coke float for 3 weeks. Oh, and the ice cream that is used is all homemade, so there are only a handful of flavors.
Our main reason for heading to Paris was that JB wanted to get his picture taken with the Eiffle Tower sporting the cowboy hat. Oh, the little things that make that man happy.We then set out to find some lunch and WATER! Not exactly in that order because those that know me well know I can’t drink while I eat. We ended up at TaMolly’s in Paris, of all places. I had posted on Facebook that we were in Paris and one of my girls, Chaun Rai, asked where we were at and shortly after, she was sitting there with us talking. She is going to PJC on a cheerleading scholarship and is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of the strong independent person she has become. We met her guy friend who treats her like she deserves to be treated, like a princess, and we very much like him.
After lunch we were so into Paris, Texas and learning about things we kept looking. JB found the old railroad depot which now has a small museum in it and went through it. It was a neat site. We then found the tombstone of John S. Chishum, a huge cattleman in the late 1800’s, who lead 60,000 to 100,000 cattle from Texas to New Mexico. It was said he was the best counter by his one time partner and always knew how many cattle he had.
We went through an old cemetery in Paris, Evergreen Cemetery, and it had some very old stones. There are over 40,000 remains there and there was so much fascination with how personal some get and how simple others get. Some people were so very loved and you can tell by the sentiments and the sayings. One preacher was buried there, and his congregation erected a monument in his memory (you can see all these pictures on my Facebook page), he was very loved and missed. Family plots range from simple to extraordinaire, and you can tell who had the money by going through a cemetery. The very old stones would say something like, ‘Henrietta Mae who was aged 12 in years, was snatched from us while she slept from the terrible fever. May the Lord watch over her’. No dates or other markings. The original reason for our visit to Evergreen Cemetery was because my crazy honey wanted a picture of the monument that portrayed Jesus wearing a pair of cowboy boots. It was during the late 1800’s and the name was Babcock.
It has been a fun crazy day and we have really enjoyed this venture! I have learned so much today, the worst being that sweet and heat don’t mix for me. I had a bad experience once before but now have absolutely gotten the message. After getting the milkshake and walking a bit, I got sick to my stomach. It was hot and some of the antique stores were not air conditioned, they just had fans placed around different areas. I was OK until I had the milkshake (only a few sips; most was thrown away) and the sweetness of that with the heat hit me. Lesson learned, to not be repeated.
We are now on our way to the Wal-Greens in Sulpher Springs to pick up the steroid medications for JB. His doctor called and it is confirmed that he has gout, so now to get his acid levels back to normal and his foot feeling better. Our bariatric surgeon said this is common after bariatric surgery since your body is being purged of the lifestyle it once knew. I have researched gout and it is a very interesting read. It is amazing how our bodies react to things, which makes it even harder to not believe in the Lord. How amazing that our body does things to fix or compensate (sometimes over compensate) for trauma or stress our bodies encounter.
I am so enjoying this “relaxing, nobody needs me and have no time restraint in our days” week and I have not missed work at all! Usually I feel guilty about being off and such and that is not even a problem. Have barely even thought about the tasks at work of what will be left for me when I get back, because this is all good! It will get done and we will have a successful week, we are having a successful week!
Still ready to go fish and might even consider trying out that game thing called golf. But I won’t volunteer that information, it will be a wait and see week!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Vacation part 2, lovin life!
Amazed is the only word I can use for it! All my life I ate what was on my plate (for the kids that were starving in China) and now I can’t even finish the little I put on my plate. I am not complaining at all, but when I look at what restaurants serve…they are killing us with 2, 3 and sometimes 4 times what a serving is. JB and I can split a kid’s meal and still have about ½ left. I know I could not have eaten that little (with will power) before surgery, although I didn’t eat that much. The old wicked PCOS had its grip on me. Why this thought is here, I cooked one potato, one small squash and zucchini, onion and okra with 2 sausage links and we won’t be able to eat it at all. I think I won’t save it thought. I want variety this week. It smells really wonderful though. JB cooked 4 pieces of bacon for breakfast (applewood smoked), and I had a chick fil a chicken salad wrapped in romaine lettuce although I wasted more than ½.
This had been SO relaxing which I needed. Now all I need is a manicure and massage. Don’t guess there is one of those places in the state park. Hammock is set up and calling my name but I have been busy so far today to heed the call. JB has a spot on his foot that is inflamed and hurting so back to Greenville we went today to see our doctor. She did blood work but thinks it is gout. Doesn’t that stink? We are supposed to be walking and riding our new bikes and gout rears its ugly head. My honey got a steroid shot in his hinny and has felt better today. We are waiting for a call from Dr. T (our bariatric doctor) to see what his treatment options are, because we are so limited taking any anti-inflammatory drugs since ‘sleeve’ weight loss surgery. We got the camper organized inside and are about to go get the outside comfy and organized. About the time you get everything set up perfect, it is time to pack up and head home and back to that thing that we call life.
We both needed this break alone and away from the things that cloud our mind and hearts, so we can get back to God, ourselves and organize our thoughts. I love my job but really needed some time away because even though it is hourly, it really is 24/7 and whenever any one of the 400 bosses I have needs something, they call. And that is OK, I just needed a time of NOT being needed except by one person, my honey, that I can handle. I have a very personal family incident going on and it had taken a different twist that I truly did not expect last week. It was emotional because I couldn’t fix it and I cried for the sweet soul that was going through something I hope they never have to go through again. I hurt for my Brayden that was trying to make sense of what was happening and why it was happening. He is tender-hearted and believes that good people don’t have these things happen, but we all know that good people have bad things happen, and only through prayer will God see us all through to the other side.
Music, reading, blogging, emailing Brayden at Camp Deer Run, cross-stitching, fishing and card making along with walking and riding bikes. This is what I call a vacation, relaxation, and be ready for the rest of the year. I have enjoyed quiet, uninterrupted conversations with my honey. They always go back to memories or what life used to be like. Talking about our funny boys antics, life in the military, past jobs and distant friends and family. It is always sad when I lose contact with a friend but especially family. I have family that I love dearly who disrespected my honey and I don’t want to be part of their lives. Faced with a cancer scare they sarcastically joked about something and refused to apologize. I love them but I don’t like them and I would have never done that to another person, so that is not the negative that we need in our lives. Pushing the drama out of my life from family was a resolution for this year. They can have their drama but I don’t want any part of it and you know what? I am happier, because I am not hearing the negative talk about other family. Why must we always look at the down side of people instead of lifting one another up with encouragement?
This is one thing that I have slacked off on, visiting those that need companions, writing those that need encouragement, helping those that would not ask for help because they are too much like me and just being an encouragement to others instead of a burden. I pray this week puts my priorities in order and I am able to resume the things that have been lacking for a year, since I had my ACL surgery. No excuses, just neglectful!
I hope you had an amazing Wednesday and encouraged someone today with your smile.
This had been SO relaxing which I needed. Now all I need is a manicure and massage. Don’t guess there is one of those places in the state park. Hammock is set up and calling my name but I have been busy so far today to heed the call. JB has a spot on his foot that is inflamed and hurting so back to Greenville we went today to see our doctor. She did blood work but thinks it is gout. Doesn’t that stink? We are supposed to be walking and riding our new bikes and gout rears its ugly head. My honey got a steroid shot in his hinny and has felt better today. We are waiting for a call from Dr. T (our bariatric doctor) to see what his treatment options are, because we are so limited taking any anti-inflammatory drugs since ‘sleeve’ weight loss surgery. We got the camper organized inside and are about to go get the outside comfy and organized. About the time you get everything set up perfect, it is time to pack up and head home and back to that thing that we call life.
We both needed this break alone and away from the things that cloud our mind and hearts, so we can get back to God, ourselves and organize our thoughts. I love my job but really needed some time away because even though it is hourly, it really is 24/7 and whenever any one of the 400 bosses I have needs something, they call. And that is OK, I just needed a time of NOT being needed except by one person, my honey, that I can handle. I have a very personal family incident going on and it had taken a different twist that I truly did not expect last week. It was emotional because I couldn’t fix it and I cried for the sweet soul that was going through something I hope they never have to go through again. I hurt for my Brayden that was trying to make sense of what was happening and why it was happening. He is tender-hearted and believes that good people don’t have these things happen, but we all know that good people have bad things happen, and only through prayer will God see us all through to the other side.
Music, reading, blogging, emailing Brayden at Camp Deer Run, cross-stitching, fishing and card making along with walking and riding bikes. This is what I call a vacation, relaxation, and be ready for the rest of the year. I have enjoyed quiet, uninterrupted conversations with my honey. They always go back to memories or what life used to be like. Talking about our funny boys antics, life in the military, past jobs and distant friends and family. It is always sad when I lose contact with a friend but especially family. I have family that I love dearly who disrespected my honey and I don’t want to be part of their lives. Faced with a cancer scare they sarcastically joked about something and refused to apologize. I love them but I don’t like them and I would have never done that to another person, so that is not the negative that we need in our lives. Pushing the drama out of my life from family was a resolution for this year. They can have their drama but I don’t want any part of it and you know what? I am happier, because I am not hearing the negative talk about other family. Why must we always look at the down side of people instead of lifting one another up with encouragement?
This is one thing that I have slacked off on, visiting those that need companions, writing those that need encouragement, helping those that would not ask for help because they are too much like me and just being an encouragement to others instead of a burden. I pray this week puts my priorities in order and I am able to resume the things that have been lacking for a year, since I had my ACL surgery. No excuses, just neglectful!
I hope you had an amazing Wednesday and encouraged someone today with your smile.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Vacation day 1 and all is well.
Today is the first day of our vacation and so far things are going good, wonderful, and almost perfect. I wanted to make salmon patties for dinner and we struck out there. First when I opened the brand new box of saltines that I bought at Wal-Mart, it had flying bugs in the stack of crackers. Didn’t think we needed that much extra protein so I trashed the whole box. Also, we could not find a lighter to light the stove. After trying other options we gave up and had some shaved smoked turkey for dinner. More was planned but that was all we could do tonight, but it is all good because so many wonderful other things have happened.
When we were driving up here almost to the park, it started raining! What is this stuff leaking from the sky? It started slowly and then pick up heavier. It was so wonderful to have rain, I love the smell of fresh rain, and it hope that little cloud went back to my house in Greenville. We even started putting the camper in the rain. JB said I should go sit under the pavilion so I stay dry. STAY DRY?! No way, it is raining and I am on vacation, I am going to let the rain fall on me because it felt so wonderful!
We wanted to see nature this week and get back to the basics of life, love, and living. While the camera was still in the truck and while we were setting the camper up, 2 young deer, a doe and a buck crossed through the campsite next to ours. They stopped and looked at us for a few minutes, I think they were saying, “Who invited you to my woods?” We are the strangers around here. Now, no comments from the peanut gallery, we know we are strange enough. They scampered into the woods before we could get the camera.
After the camper was set up, we went to check out the other areas of the park. We found a great fishing pier, swim beach (not sure I am gutsy enough to put my suit on in public) and the other camp areas. While we were driving back to our camp site we saw 2 young deer lying by the side of the road and naturally our loud truck scared them off. We turned trying to follow the area they were running into and the mama deer and her baby stopped in the perfect opening and just stared at us until we got the perfect picture. The baby was so tiny and the mom was quite small also, but it was a neat sight. I look forward to seeing more of God’s creatures throughout the week.
I look forward to the remainder of this week and all the surprises it will hold.
When we were driving up here almost to the park, it started raining! What is this stuff leaking from the sky? It started slowly and then pick up heavier. It was so wonderful to have rain, I love the smell of fresh rain, and it hope that little cloud went back to my house in Greenville. We even started putting the camper in the rain. JB said I should go sit under the pavilion so I stay dry. STAY DRY?! No way, it is raining and I am on vacation, I am going to let the rain fall on me because it felt so wonderful!
We wanted to see nature this week and get back to the basics of life, love, and living. While the camera was still in the truck and while we were setting the camper up, 2 young deer, a doe and a buck crossed through the campsite next to ours. They stopped and looked at us for a few minutes, I think they were saying, “Who invited you to my woods?” We are the strangers around here. Now, no comments from the peanut gallery, we know we are strange enough. They scampered into the woods before we could get the camera.
After the camper was set up, we went to check out the other areas of the park. We found a great fishing pier, swim beach (not sure I am gutsy enough to put my suit on in public) and the other camp areas. While we were driving back to our camp site we saw 2 young deer lying by the side of the road and naturally our loud truck scared them off. We turned trying to follow the area they were running into and the mama deer and her baby stopped in the perfect opening and just stared at us until we got the perfect picture. The baby was so tiny and the mom was quite small also, but it was a neat sight. I look forward to seeing more of God’s creatures throughout the week.
I look forward to the remainder of this week and all the surprises it will hold.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Questioning others...
One thing I dislike about depression, is you think things that are just not so. I am trying to look at things in a different manner, and I like the reactions and outcomes much better. I found myself in a situation that I was very confused about but I stopped and thought. The other person was one that I trust completely and have the utmost respect for and rather than thinking, "I can't believe that you did that and why?" I thought, I am going to speak to them and give them the benefit of the doubt, because of my level of respect for them. I put it (mostly) out of my head until we could meet, and I was right, that person was the person that I believed them to be.
Do you ever go on something without giving another a chance? I believe that it is not always as it seems. I place my guard up because betrayal hurts, it hurts so deep that sometimes you can't breathe. I hope that I never make another feel this way. I know firsthand how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone I love and trust. But you know what? I am still here and I am stronger now, my skin is a little bit thicker and I am so grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me. There is always an upside to the downside in life, you just have to be willing to look for it. You just have to open your eyes!
I appreciate people, I love people but I expect people to treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect. I work very hard every day to remember this when I deal with people, all kinds of people I deal with. I also try to remember that everyone was not raised like me and everyone is not like me, but everyone can be respectful to each other.
I am old school, I believe in respecting everyone and that doesn't mean you have to like them. I believe in the commandmants in the bible that say how God wants things done. Our society was much more moral and righteous when people believed in disciplining their children and that included spankings. The 'be kind and be your children's best friend, never spank and let them be what they want to be". I agree on a very little bit of that. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother and it is my responsibility to raise them in the Lord and teach them the Lord's way. I am proud of my boys who run to a door to open it for a lady that is by herself or for an elderly that needs help. For helping someone out to their car with their groceries, a perfect stranger. For getting a call from someone they are staying with and the person going on and on about my boy's manners and gratitude. I am proud of what my boys are becoming. I love them more than the air I breathe! I believe in consequences, for my boys and for myself.
I think the world would be a better place if we returned our country of "One nation under God" and we treated each other like we wish to be treated. Kindness and tenderness goes a long way.
Do you ever go on something without giving another a chance? I believe that it is not always as it seems. I place my guard up because betrayal hurts, it hurts so deep that sometimes you can't breathe. I hope that I never make another feel this way. I know firsthand how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone I love and trust. But you know what? I am still here and I am stronger now, my skin is a little bit thicker and I am so grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me. There is always an upside to the downside in life, you just have to be willing to look for it. You just have to open your eyes!
I appreciate people, I love people but I expect people to treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect. I work very hard every day to remember this when I deal with people, all kinds of people I deal with. I also try to remember that everyone was not raised like me and everyone is not like me, but everyone can be respectful to each other.
I am old school, I believe in respecting everyone and that doesn't mean you have to like them. I believe in the commandmants in the bible that say how God wants things done. Our society was much more moral and righteous when people believed in disciplining their children and that included spankings. The 'be kind and be your children's best friend, never spank and let them be what they want to be". I agree on a very little bit of that. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother and it is my responsibility to raise them in the Lord and teach them the Lord's way. I am proud of my boys who run to a door to open it for a lady that is by herself or for an elderly that needs help. For helping someone out to their car with their groceries, a perfect stranger. For getting a call from someone they are staying with and the person going on and on about my boy's manners and gratitude. I am proud of what my boys are becoming. I love them more than the air I breathe! I believe in consequences, for my boys and for myself.
I think the world would be a better place if we returned our country of "One nation under God" and we treated each other like we wish to be treated. Kindness and tenderness goes a long way.
Friday, June 24, 2011
What an amazing week this was!
This is one of my favorite weeks of the year, right up there with Christmas, Vacation Bible School at Johnson Street Church of Christ is just amazing. The decorations are phenomenal and well done. Angel does a spectacular job of arranging, ordering and preparing for the decorations to be up and to be great! And they are. This year they were out of this world! Michelle took over the VBS director position and she did wonderful. Everything ran smoothly and the kinks were worked out quickly and easily. We have so many wonderful people teaching, helping, doing puppets, working prize booths, tech crew, security, driving the bus and serving snacks.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
12 – ways to improve your life
In red is my thoughts.
12 – ways to improve your life
* Concentrate on making others like and enjoy themselves, they’ll enjoy you more. I love being an encouragement to those I love and care about.
* Give others the benefit of the doubt, and doubt often – emphasize the benefit. Does this mean don't make assumptions unless you have all the facts? I like that one. I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
* Forget your ability to think faster than another person talks … everybody has it, but only the foolish use it. When you’re thinking ahead, you can’t hear what being said. Listening is the best attribute of a great friend. I hope I listen enough to you.
* Listen at least twice as much as you talk … others will hear twice as much as you say. Listening is the man of the game.
* Laugh with others often … only fools never laugh, or laugh at others. How about laughing at myself, I do some really stupid things! HAHA! Laughing is one of my favorite things.
* Use plain talk ... say what you mean, precisely what you mean, and only what you mean. And pray that they understand it as you said it. I get angry at me when others are hurt because of my words, even if I didn't mean it like they took it.
* Ask for more advice than you give … the wise seek counsel, the foolish only give it. Don't we all have those trusted people that we seek advice from, those that we have the utmost respect for? I love those people!
* Criticize sparingly, and then only constructively … one compliment is always worth a dozen critical remarks. I am a wussy when it comes to criticizing another. I don't feel like I have that right. I would much rather compliment and lift people up!
* Be approachable … few people talk often to a dragon or a stone wall or a ghost. Awww...I love dragons!
* Seek to know others … you’ll be amazed at how it will help you understand yourself. I love learning about others. People are so interesting and have wonderful stories especially the elderly!
* Greet every person you meet cheerfully and enthusiastically … nobody can fake cheerfulness and enthusiasm very long. I am working daily on this one. I have a great role model of this!
* Leave every person feeling better for having talked to you … they’ll be happy to see you next time. I hope people do feel better whn they leave me and if they don't I am sorry, I will try harder next time because I love you!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Only sinners welcome here
Sometimes I see something and it triggers something in me. This statement on a church t-shirt "Only sinners welcome here." Is that the truth? Why do we sometimes act like one person who has a greater amount of past sins is beneath us? Why do we continue to talk about that sin and why can't we let it go?
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Out of the darkness into the light
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What is your biggest battle in your life?
What do you feel like the devil brings to you daily? My hardest fight and biggest battle is depression. I am not ashamed to say it, I have a chemical imbalance, as does my mother, aunts, grandmother (had manic episodes) and sperm-donor who was also manic (or bipolar as they call it now). I don't like the ups and downs and I don't like feeling sad all the time. I struggle with burdening anyone to talk because quite frankly, anyone who has not struggled themselves with depression, do not have a clue. You get told things like, "you need to just snap out of it" or "you need to count your blessings". I am VERY aware of my blessings; I have a husband that I love more than the air I breathe, 2 wonderful sons that have never given me a moments grief, a percous daughter in law that loves my son completely. I have a supportive and loving family and extended family, and incredible church family that I don't think I could be without, a job that I love the work and the people, co-workers that are supportive and caring, a roof over my head, a car to drive me to work, one sweet laid back golden retriever and psycho mut boston terrier that keeps us laughing. What in the world do I have to be depressed about?
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
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