My heart has been heavy today. I miss my Princess. I don't know the significance of this day but I have just truly missed her. She will have her first birthday soon, in about 3 weeks and I know she is just doing wonderful! But my heart misses her. Her nursery is empty, and everything is gone. The carpets are cleaned in that room and the walls are getting freshly painted. As of tomorrow, that room will become Brayden's. He has requested it because it was Zach's and it was the Princess'. I guess I just wish I would have done things different, and I wish the CPS system was not what it is. I was always there for the system, even taking 3 children while working full time and taking care of my family. When they called I was there for them, but it doesn't matter. Circumstances of my life that I had no control over many years ago will take presidence and some caseworkers hold major grudges. My honey said we (he) was done playing the CPS games. There is no way to win. And we closed our home. The hurtful thing was she didn't even care enough to call about our decision, like everything we did didn't matter. That is the CPS thanks you get. Good foster parents just don't want their heart hung out to dry. I could never love enough, be enough and do enough according to CPS. I am angry about a lot of things and how things were handled. I am angry that children that need us will never get the opportunity and I am angry that I will never have a daughter to call my own. But I know God knows best and I know He has a plan for my heart.
I will never close off my heart because of being hurt. I may guard it, but every breath we take is a chance and every love we give is equally a chance. I am saddened when I meet people that have built the walls around their hearts and they can walk the walk but they can't talk the talk. Meaning they can pretend to care about others, but to not really care. Some could win an emmy award for the acting. There will come a day that hurt and betrayal will fit on the back burner and loving will become a better option. Don't know that I will live to see the day, but I pray that is more important.
I don't know how to remind people what it is to love deeply, we are not talking lust or infatuation but to Love One Another. It seems like a dying art of an antique gift. Too many times our job or profession gets in the way of our Christian principals. Why do we allow that? Why can't we stand up and say 'right is right'? Why do Christians hurt other Christians? Why must some try to turn something beautiful and pure into something ugly and wrong. I am learning so much about the makeup of some people. About how some are ready to destroy others at any cost. But is your soul worth the cost of the pain you are causing another? I do get angry,but I get angry at injustices, especially when good people are intentionally hurt and betrayed. I have been on the receiving end of that betrayal and it hurt and could have destroyed me, but I wasn't going to let that person win. I pray I am never at the point that I would compromise my morals and beliefs to sit idly by and let someone be treated wrongly. I pray I have the strength to stand up for what is right. I prayed someone would stand up for me, but no one did. They were too afraid.
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