Actually, I went out today and drove the first time since surgery. Had to go get Brayden from basketball practice, but I got to worrying because I ran to the Armory in my jammies. I wasn't indecent or anything, but thought, if I get stopped or hit and have to get out, this is the road that a lot of the church drives home on! I would never live it down with most of them. All is well, with no incidents! :o)
We all think, especially when the holidays roll around, about years past. I LOVE the holidays from my childhood! I don't remember any toys I received but remember the holidays. I remember the family; the grandparents, the aunts, uncles, and the cousins. All of us under one roof. I love my crazy family! We were all so different but all the same blood! We had a perfect sized family, not too big and not too little. I always loved being with my cousin, Marcy. We were 4 months apart and had so much fun, jumping on her trampoline, walking to the store, picking honeysuckle from the church property across the street, and just talking for endless hours. It seemed so far to drive but I would be so blessed if we lived that far away from each other now. There was always something to do when we were together even if there was nothing to do. My entire life has memories of the things we did. We used to dress (and tell people) like twins because everyone would ask! It was easier to say 'yes' than to explain. I think our mothers loved dressing us alike more than we liked it!
When our whole family was together, I felt complete. Completely loved and completely home. Not that I felt unloved when we weren't all together but I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I lived with my mom and my brother and we lived with our maternal grandparents. Divorce was not as "normal" as it is today. I seemed like the only one without a "daddy" around. I use the term loosely because he was anything BUT a daddy. My father (lovingly referred to by myself as the sperm donor) decided to chase other women when I was young, around age 3 if I recall. My older brother and I were a mere 11 months apart. He defined the word : leave. When he left, he never looked back, we never heard from him and every time we turned around he was making sure we knew that we were not wanted. The times at my school such as Breakfast with dad, Dad's career day, and the infamous, Daddy/Daughter Banquet, left me single handed. My mom's younger brother stepped in when he could and boy was I proud to be with him! He was a young father himself though and so it was left for the really important things. I do catch myself watching some of the fathers at church, you know the fathers that would be my fathers age and I wonder if some of their daughters realize how blessed they have been to have their daddy all their lives.
"Do not marry children of divorce" that was the lesson in one high school bible class. It essence, do not marry ME! I recently heard of an older gentleman in our congregation who wants our youth minister to teach to "Date/Marry only other members of the church" and I get why that is suggested. I didn't marry in the church, how could I, we didn't even date, for I was a child of divorce. I married for a really silly reason. LOVE, how foolish! And we did struggle with religion in our marriage for a couple of years. Eventually my husband did become a member of the church but my children never saw religious conflict in the home. Zachary was an infant when his daddy obeyed the gospel.
It used to be that, like families that were always together, church families were always together too. One of my passions is having people over for dinner at my home and I love going to another families home also. It is not about the food but about the company and the conversation. I love getting to know people, sharing thoughts and sharing food. It is very deflating when your invitation for dinner at your home gets turned down often. It is not in the invitation but in the invited. I need to chose other people to ask. It seems like so long since I had anyone to my home for dinner and probably longer since we have gone anywhere. I really miss it and that is one of the things that I intend to change when my health gets back into check. Even having my parents over seems like it has been forever. With all our work schedule conflicts, it is easier to not mess with it.
I know things can't be changed about families getting together and my memories will have to sustain me. Too many directions and too many plans. And I even understand this is how things go. But I do remember how close I was to my cousins and I can't remember why we have all drifted apart. We grew up, changed our way of thinking, found something more important than family? I don't know, but I miss it. We are lucky if we see each other once a year.
2010 saw the last of both of our grandparents exiting our lives. Isn't it strange how they can be gone but never further than your thoughts and your thoughts make it like they were here yesterday. My grandmother has been gone almost 10 years and my grandfather almost a year. I still get the feeling that I need to drive by the house and visit with them, they would love to see the kids. And although I assume that the house now belongs to someone else, and they do see the kids everyday, it just doesn't seem like they are truly gone.
I miss my family.
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