WOW~ Where do I go from here, or where do I start? Zachary leaves for Utah, one week from today. Friday, November 20th. I am excited for him to be going into the Northern states where he can be participating in the winter sports, his love in sports.
I am attempting to begin a journey, one that I truly believe will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Repressing memories that hurt, has always been the way I have done things. I have too much to do to dwell on events that I had no control over or that I can't change. But, does that mean that I am not to blame at all? I have heard the phrase, 'everything happens for a reason'. Well, doesn't that reason need to be evident? No, it doesn't work that was, sadly. If I live an ungodly life, shouldn't punishment come from within, where you conscience resides? My conscience is like a magnet, sticking to everything even remotely close to shame and guilt. I pray without ceasing that I can come to an understanding of me. I wonder how people see me, and if it is remotely close to the lowly person that I see. I went to a ladies retreat and a very wise young lady spoke about ME. No, it wasn't actually about me, but it sounded so much like me in every sense of the word. "labeling myself as a failure, a disappointment, stupid, ugly and ungodly". THe series was called 'cleaning out my closets', my emotional closet.
My emotional closet...how I want forgiveness for the chaos and clutter in my emotional closet and for all the stuff in my emotional closet, most of it is carried on my back every day as the burden I will bear, because I must. When can I put down my emotional baggage? I never would want anyone to 'bear my burdens' and feel so much shame in disclosing even to my most trusted in this world. I love these people more than humanly possible, but what do they think of me now? I am beginning to clean out my emotional closet, I am terrified that this journey will be taken by myself, alone. That is the worst feeling in my heart. Alone...
What does anyone really understand about me? Who am I? I am the one who is very good at hiding and covering up ME with humor and fun. I love people and I love the Lord but with both of these loves, it is not enough. I strive to please, because my imperfections will be seen. I want to come to know a God that is forgiving and full of grace. I have heard others talk about Him, but all I know is the God of wrath. Lately my heart is so heavy and anywhere I can crawl to protect others from me is where I want to be...alone...the most dreaded place in my heart.
I had someone once tell me they didn't think I was very smart. I am not higher education educated but I love to learn and I love to try new things. I like to be people smart and know what makes people happy. Does that make me worthless? Maybe to some. If you were looking through my eyes at me the answer would be 'yes'.
Love is something I give freely only hoping for a bit in return. Although love is something I think I am unworthy of. Deserving, no, what have I done to deserve that and why would someone love someone as broken as me? We are in a world that has made a mockery of love, rolling it around in the mud of sin and darkness and making you feel like it is 'wrong' to love someone. 'Wrong' to hug someone. A hug has always been the most precious thing to me. The hug of my husband or the hug of my children, my mother's hug and a rewarding hug from a friend. Hugs are such an amazing way to show you care and a hug does something to your heart. I have always been a hugger, but within the last few years was told I was 'wrong' for hugging and 'wrong' for loving. Why did I question myself? Why do I question myself? I NEVER, EVER thought of a hug as anything but a sweet, innocent embrace, between two people that care for one another. Even with my husband it is not sexual, it is an embrace of those I love.
So, where do I go and where do I turn? I am very stubborn in asking for help, because my emotional worth is very small. I inadvertantly hurt those I love, because intentionally is not my way.
Have you ever thought that everyone would be better off without you? I have a hard time believing that anything I do cannot be done by another and better. I have a hard time believeing that anyone would love someone such as me and that there is a God that can forgive and love me. I expect a judgement of harsh punishment. I have thought many times "why didn't they just kill me?" I have even been guilty of thinking "I wish they would kill me". In my emotional closet, I don't see that people WANT to truly be around me. Invitations to parties don't come my way, dinner invitations are rejected, plans to spend time with people are cancelled and lunch invitations are rarely extended. Lonely is a very sad place to be to deal with my emotional closet.
What do I want to accomplish? So much. I want to always be the happy person that I know I can be without any questions. I want to rid myself of these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I want people to WANT to be around me and enjoy my company. I want to socialize with people and learn about people. I want to not want to be gone, to disappear in order to make this world a better place. I have been told I was unwanted, unplanned, unloved, unworthy and I have bought this line because of those I trusted who said it. Of those I was supposed to trust, because of who they are/were. I pray daily but feel like I am not heard, I am unworthy of His listening ear. I am unworthy of anyones listening ear. It is a precious waste of time for others and I think that there are much worthier causes to pursue than the likes of me. Too much today we have throw away people. Parents choose someone or something over their spouses or children. I dreamed of a day that daddys never left and people never irreversably scarred people. I pray that someday everyone will forgive me and I pray that someday I will forgive myself.
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