After Thanksgiving...

The saying goes..."walk a mile in my shoes". I have walked one really hard mile and the blisters are still there.  I know that I would NOT wish my pain on anyone. But I do wish people could see ME. I am hidden, for the most part. I become apparent when laundry needs done, diapers need changed, dinner needs cooked and work needs to be done. Other than that, I am an abscond thought in the minds of most. I feel like I make people not want to be around me and I displease when I don't intend. I love people and especially children because they don't try to look beyond the love, and second guess your mental analysis for it. They don't undertake anything more than a kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just a hug. Plain and simple. This world is getting so hands off and so heart off. People are actually capable of acting like they really care about you, and then abolish you from their hearts with no questions and no care. I am not capable of that type of legerdemain. I love and even when hurt, I love still. I CAN'T just 'kick' people out of my heart. I am not obsessed or consumed, I just love and care about people. Loving and caring about a man that is not my husband does not constitute an affair. If this is how life should be, I don't want to be in it. We should all be in a grotto and have all synergy with people totally stopped. I would die! It would KILL me!

I think about the choices I have made within the last 4 years. I made a choice to follow my hearts predilection  to work in the ministry. What an awesome job and awesome people, but what is wrong with my choices when it comes to trusting. I trust too easy? Choices I have made in trusting people have been and seem to be once again my downfall of my heart. I trust that when someone says, "I love you," it is heartfelt and true. I hear others telling people they love them, but don't hear it often cast in my direction. When I say it, I mean it, and when I mean it, I say it. Isn't this how God intended? After first following His will, next would be to 'love one another'. I have learned and know that others are more honorable than myself and I am in awe of peoples relationships.

You hear people say that your destiny was already pre-determined. I don't believe that, but feel like, I was not in the plans to be on the world. I hunger to have a closer relationship with God, a different realtionship  with God than what I have currently. I cannot seem to get anywhere in my study because I feel so lost and lessons I hear don't pertain to me and then they all pertain to me.

I am STUCK. No one reading this knows what I mean, but take my word for it, I am stuck good. I trusted, and I tried to release a demon, but I still carry it. Calls are never returned, from people I need to return my calls. I feel myself being distanced due to sharing things I ought not to share, and should have kept locked up tight. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!? Trying to pull myself out of this despair, but so very scared for what this has and will cost me! I am so very fearful of my thoughts and those that I love being hurt and disappointed.

I know I cannot do this alone, but reaching out has gotten me nowhere, except recounting the mistakes I have made. I am but a foolish error and have been thankful for the days I have been granted and for the love that I have had for others. The good in my life is my children, that is what I have done right so far, but still have to check my 'mommy manual' and stay on track.

I want people to know me, but I conceal me. I cover me with smiles and jokes and laughs. Keeping children around me lightens my heart, and always makes me smile.Staying busy keeps my mind and heart busy. 'Me, myself, and lies' Who am I and why am I here? I have never asked for anything and don't intend to start now. I am on my own with this burden, as always and will be. I just want a GPS to find the location back to the real me and the relationship with God that I envy that others have. Will I ever get there before I draw my last breath? I can see so much good in store for others but must keep myself  hidden  for fear of being discovered.