Struggle is good, I want to fly!

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

            But neither happened!

 The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

 It never was able to fly…

 As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

As you go through school, and life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly. 

This story is so important to me at this point in my life. I have had many years of struggles and many demons to cast aside, and I want out of my cocoon and to be able to spread my wings and fly. I have chosen to stay in the safety of my cocoon, for fear of rejection, pain and to not deal with my past. My past is my past and cannot be changed and will forever be a part of me but will no longer stand in the way of becoming who I can be and reaching my dreams. 

I know there are many people who love me and when they see me struggle, they want to help but the best way to help is to support me working out of this cocoon. Don't go get your scissors and try to help me because your good intentions will not make me stronger. 

This last year of my life, I have battled through the abandonment of my father when I was very young, my own poor self-esteem and a 24 year old rape that was buried. I would like to say my battle is complete and I am victorious, but as with every battle there will always be the scars to show, but I will remember what I learned through my battles, I will remember that I did come out of the battle and with much prayer and tears, my past will stay in my past. I will no longer see me as the wounded warrior that will forever have a crutch and I will no longer live as the person that is ready to be wounded again, not like that.

Life will continue to have battles and I will continue to squeeze out of my cocoons, but with the love and support of my family and friends, I will be able to spread my wings and fly! 

New Year's Eve!

Twenty one years ago tonight I was in the hospital at Ft. Wainwright Army Base in Fairbanks, Alaska celebrating New Year's Eve with my husband and my beautiful baby boy Zachary. That was my first abdominal surgery through c-section, and my life was forever changed then by that precious bundle of joy. Tonight my second abdominal surgery and celebrating New Year's Eve at home, and praying this surgery will forever change my life also!

I kept this surgery quiet because I didn't want a lot of the negative 'doom and gloom' surgical talk before hand. I am sorry if that offended some, it was never my intention. I am not sorry I did what I had to do but sorry you were offended. I would do it over again the same way. Only a handful of trusted were let in on the information.

All my life I have worried about what my actions may cause to someone else and I will always be careful of others feelings but this surgery is being portrayed about something it is NOT! I have and will continue to do what I feel is in my best interest as well as my family. I didn't want my husband or my children to hear stories to scare them either.

This surgery is not about me being vain. This surgery is about getting my life back! I have heard enough questions about skin after weight loss. I don't know about that, I am not there yet, but i will deal with that issue THEN. This is not about making me 'look better' but to feel better and be more active. A healthier and longer life is what it is about. So, the surgery questions about skin removal after weight loss doesn't matter to me and it doesn't matter to my husband who has seen me at my best and at my worst. If HE wants me to have surgery later, his opinion is the only one that matters. And that is about that. My only desire is to be able to love my life in an active phase and to love standing up for the things I believe in.

I love talking to others that have been through this because all the facts brought together make it easier.

There were 2 doctors that pioneered stomach bypass in the 1960's and they selected a small group of women to participate in it. I am still trying to gather accurate information before posting too much but my maternal grandmother was one of the few survivors of the bypass in the 60's. She lost a lot of weight, so much and could not gain that it had to be reversed. When I gather all my accurate info, I will post more about it.

I look forward to 2011 and the blessings ahead. Be happy and love all you can because this is all there is here.

My WLS Journey-part 2

I am so ready to feel great all the time. I have such an overwhelming desire to do things and then my body, corrects me.  My biggest struggle since having surgery on Monday is my blood pressure. I have taken Lisinipryl 5 mg. on and off for a few years just for borderline/stress related HBP. I am not used to this incredible headache that comes with high blood pressure, WOW, how do people function with it? We are working on getting it under control but why am I having it? Doctor says pain will cause your blood pressure to spike and since I have a high tolerance for pain, my body is trying to cover it. Wouldn't it have been nice if my body decided to cover things right before this point? :o) Once we get this High blood pressure under control, we should be good.

I am so very blessed and so grateful for my honey. He has been so wonderful through all this. Making sure the 'nice nurse' showed him how to do things properly. I could not ask for a better nurse at this time. I am very rarely ill or in need or someone to 'care' for me and it is so hard for me to be dependent on another. Literally, he has taken on this task and even is giving me daily blood thinner injections in my stomach that were not part of the deal. I had not heard of that before with WLS, but this team of doctors has found the best and quickest ways to keep WLS safe and comfortable so I am not gonna question. Well, I may question the injections for a month at Monday's appointment, just to be sure that is what they want. :o) He has been wonderful and I love him so much! I dislike the things that he has sacrificed this week for me, but you can't go changing a stubborn man's mind.

Keeping tack of everything that goes in my body, when and how much. Going to work on a table for him to make things easier. Sometimes doctors can be such doom and gloom and our discharge seemed like that. "I will release you only if...and if you don't drink enough you will pass out...and document, document, document". Why can't it be like the initial talk about how wonderful things will be when it is done and the positive changes? I guess they have to be hard to get the point across and to make ME understand.

Today I am 42 years and 51 days old, but my new physical life began 3 1/2 days ago. It is good that my spiritual life is older than my physical life. I give credit, all credit to God for anything good in my life. I have my spiritual struggles, especially prayer. I can pray without ceasing for those I love but struggle asking for me, but I am learning and I am praying and asking for strength, both physical and emotional.

Day 3 ended with me going to 'stretch out in bed' and not returning to my soup. Day 3 was a struggle physically, and I pray day 4 is brighter and productive. I got a card in the mail that was so surprising and unexpected from a friend of my mother in laws. It was the most precious card of encouragement and so treasured. I am so blessed by unexpected blessings!

My Weight Loss Surgery Journey

Greetings & Salutations! I have always wanted to say that.
I plan to share my journey and hope to be able to help others to make informed choices. 
My Weight Loss Surgery Journey began on Monday, December 27th, 2010.
As I sit in my recliner with my "VenaFlow System" on my calves to keep blood clots down, what better time to share? I have attempted to have weight loss surgery for at least 15 years and my insurance never deemed it "medically necessary". I lost 70 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2007, but there has been an underlying demon that has made things difficult to lose. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and have had it my entire married life, almost 23 years. There came a point that I wanted to stop fighting my body and start living. I have met with surgeons who said to have a hysterectomy and you are probably thinking that should fix it too, but it would only create other health problems. Dr. B has performed surgery for the treatment of PCOS and had great successes. I highly anticipate my life in the active lane again instead of the sidelines of life. 

I will tell you that if you are serious about this, you have to get your rear in gear. I went in for my first consultation with Dr. B on November 2nd, 2010 determined and inspired by a friend at church that had gastric sleeve. Less than 2 months until the end of year and you know what that means, more deductibles, more out of pocket max., and the beginning of everything. I wanted to have WLS in 2010 and save our family the money, so, I got my rear in gear. If my insurance wanted 5 years of weight, they got 10 years. I doubled everything they wanted and asked what any insurance has came back wanting and got it also. Anything and everything they could come back for was there the first time. It was approved in less than a week and surgery scheduled  for the last day of the year he was operating, December 27th!  

I read my surgery book every night and got everything in advance as well as starting everything in advance. My protein, vitamins, supplements, etc. I was determined to be in the best shape possible for my surgery. The very hardest part of the whole pre-preparations was missing all of Christmas dinners this year! 

The surgery I had is: Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy With Duodenal Switch. The reason for the switch was to counteract the PCOS. Usually a switch is performed with BMI over 60 or 500 pounds or greater weigh. I had neither but it has worked for 'tricking the body' to let go of the weight. I didn't want to go back for another surgery but wanted everything done once. Most surgeons like stage weight loss surgery, but myself and Dr. B are not a fan of multiple surgeries. Recovery is harder but is one time rather than twice. 

My day started with me needing to be at the hospital at 11 AM. I arrived and check in at 10 AM, and began the process of waiting. My husband, son and parents were with me.  I was called back to pre-op at noon and there I waited for 6 1/2 hours. My anxiety spiked and I was so ready to get done, and I even thought about getting dressed once too and going home! I was taken in for surgery at 6:30PM and they told my husband my surgery was complete and I was heading for recovery at 8:30PM. I know my in-laws were in recovery because I was told that but I don't remember anything. You have to understand that the morning of my surgery, my husband's paternal grandmother passed away at 10:38AM, so it has been very emotional on the family. Throughout the entire waiting to go into surgery, there were many that came and went into surgery with other surgeons.  Realizing that I had been blessed abundantly by the presence of my husband, son and mom & dad. My mom and honey stayed with me the entire process of pre-op and my mom spent the first night. Granted, I have had 3 surgeries in my life and 2 were this year, but the processes of surgeries is very overwhelming. 

I honestly could not tell you when I remember being back in the land of the living. They pushed fluids and walking, walking and fluids. Walking came easy for me, and really felt good to get out of the bed. I did ache and I was sore but aside from the enormous amount of air/gas that was in my abdomen, the pain seemed manageable.  If only I could release some of it, but that did come after the ride home. Texas roads seem pretty good until you have 6 incisions and a ride home and they are TERRIBLE! :o) 

I had injections in my abdomen every 8 hours of blood thinner, so I look like I have been in a battle! I will have daily injections in my abdomen  for the next 30 days to keep blood clots down. But all in all, I know this too shall pass and I can begin my active life doing the things I want to do and living instead of watching.

To be continued....HBP headaches and honeys,

Stress does crazy things to your body...

As we near the end of our journey with our perfect Princess, it is not without the scars of battle. A new chapter in her life will begin and I can only pray that the chapter that ends with us is a happy feeling within her soul. I hope she knows she was loved unconditionally and without reserve. I know that tears will be shed and a piece of me will be somewhere in Texas away from me but I trust that God has His hand on her future and has chosen the family that is right for her.

My scars that are showing are the scars of stress. My body is reacting, or over-reacting to the stress of the situation. I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for short. I have had this dysfunction in my body for well over 20 years. First diagnosed when I was engaged to my husband and my GYN was certain that I had a tubal pregnancy. Well, I knew, and my fiancee knew that a tubal pregnancy was physically impossible, as he was in Alaska and I was in Texas, and further more, we had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day. (Or I had chosen to save that part of our relationship for our wedding day!~). At my insistence (and trying to avoid surgery) the doctor performed more tests and discovered that I was right, it was NOT a tubal pregnancy but an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. This began years of infertility and lost pregnancies, weight gain, depression and tears. I tell you this because since having my last child, I have had no sign of PCOS, until now, and has it ever reared it's ugly head.

It all started with a zit, (you know the commercial, they tell two friends and so on, and so on...) and another and another. Then came the frustration with weight loss, and the other signs. My PCOS was kicking my butt. Funny thing is, I should have always stayed on medication for this, but was taken off years ago. After speaking to my doctor who actually listens to her patients, we started a course of treatment, slowly at first and my body was kicking and screaming. Stubborn as it is (you know, I swear that my fat cells are super glued in or have formed some type of union in my body with plans to never release) everything happens for a reason, and the stress of this situation has brought on my worst nightmare. But I will get myself back in check.

PCOS has many signs; insulin resistance, acne, trouble losing weight, depression, etc. but need I go on. I got started on metformin which is a diabetic medicine and is used to treat PCOS as well as Metabolic Syndrome Disorder which also comes from PCOS. The most frustrating thing is when you say you are on metformin, people assume you are diabetic. But I am not....yet. I say yet, because both sides of my family are plagued with diabetes and it frightens me. I will not go quietly into the world of diabetes. I will fight it will every bone in my body

The bottom line is that I have not taken care of me these last 6 months. My bloodwork showed my cholesterol levels were off. Which ones? All of them! Triglycerides are high, good count low, bad count high. Never, ever had I had a problem with cholesterol, then it dawned on me...I had ran out of fish oil tabs from Sam's Club and had not gotten any yet and it has been months! UGH! I take those to keep my cholesterol down and to help with my joints! So doctor prescribes prescription meds and I don't want to take them! Wht to do, what to do? Talk to her, I guess.

Once the princess is swept away to her new castle, I intend to take some time for me, to get my health back in check and to get my levels where they need to be. It seems like I am falling apart in this fast paced world. I had complete ACL replacement on July 15th...3 months ago and my knee feels good, but I have to take care of me or me will not be around to take care of others. Priorities plan in check, my Savior to thank for the blessings He has bestowed upon the Princess and us, more prayers for an easy transition on all of us.

Life ain't fair, but it's still good.

When your heart is outside your body

No one that has never had children will ever know the feeling of your heart being outside your body. (I don't mean birthing children either.) I mean anyone that has ever loved a child so deeply and so completely that the child takes your breath away.

Jesus loved children so much and told us how much in Matthew 18:1-6, 10

 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
² Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, ³ and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.⁵ Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.  ⁶ “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. ¹⁰ “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.

The joy of my life has always been to welcome children, from day care to residential care to foster care. I love children and their innocence. I have no tolerance for those that harm children.

When I was barely 21 years old, the Lord blessed me with Zachary. What an adventure the two of us had. We played all day, baked, rode bikes, shopped and traveled. We were two peas in a pod. Yes, JimBob was around but while he was at work and on military exercises, we just played. It was as carefree as life could be. I loved being a stay at home mommy and housewife. I loved having everything cleaned and dinner on the table for when my honey got home after a hard (or not so hard) day. And watching the interaction of Zach and his daddy was more than my heart could stand. They were so silly together, and were the best of friends.


When Zachary was 5 and we struggled with infertility, we began the process of adopting a little girl who was 3 years old. With the blessings of her father, and her mother deceased, we entered into the agreement. Until at the last minute when the judge returned her to her father and he fled the state. We never saw her again.


Within the realms of parenthood, we became pregnant a total of 5 times, loosing 3 of the pregnancies. We had resigned that the Lord had blessed us with Zachary and we were grateful. We also decided to get out of the Air Force and move to be closer to our families. Within 3 months of that decision, I became pregnant again, although cautiously optimistic, I carried the baby to term and the Lord blessed me once more with Brayden. We had two beautiful boys and decided to fix it so that we would not endure the pain of loosing another pregnancy. Brayden was my special blessing, and we had a special bond. Knowing he was the last child I would have, I chose to stay home and keep other children while doing a Christian pre-school program. Brayden was so different from Zach and too much like me. He is a wonderful child that I thank the Lord for him daily.


Throughout our married life we have been presented with opportunities to adopt a daughter, and something always got in the way, and prevented this from happening. This last opportunity has truly challenged me, my heart, my faith, my trust in others because I have totally fallen head over heels in love with this Princess, as have JimBob and Brayden. She is perfect, precious, beautiful, amazing and oh, so smart. The opportunity to adopt her has came and went, and wishing for a truly normal, happy life for her, we have to let her go. This is where my test of faith comes in. Proverbs 16:20

²⁰ He who heeds the word wisely will find good,   And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he. 

I have talked to those that I trust and asked for their opinions on this, and accepting that they know more than I know about the situation that brought her into this world, I have trusted in their counsel. Every morning and every night, I pray and I ask God to please take care of my boys and my baby girl, and I have to trust that He will because, HE loves children more than me. He loves them more than I do! 


No one will ever know the joy that she brought to my life, the pure innocent blessing that she is to me and my family. For a brief moment, I could picture her in long dog-ears or braids, and overalls, running at the farm or feeding a newborn calf. Swimming in the summers and meeting her older brother. I could imagine what her life would be, in dance class and swimming class, from soccer to cheer leading, for her to be anything she wanted to be, but for a brief time, all I could see was that she was mine, she would belong to our family, she would be our daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and a niece. I thought about the years ahead in VBS and making lifelong friends at church, the bonds that do not easily break. I still wish for these things for her, but know that I will not be witnessing them but someone else who calls her 'daughter' will be. Her laugh will always ring in my heart and no one will ever fill her space in my heart. That space is hers, and hers alone. And once again, my heart will be walking around outside of my body. It is amazing how much the heart can divide but there still is always enough of it when you need it.

I write this not because I want to be put on a pedestal or for one to pity us. I write this because I want you to know that blessings come every day, in every shape and size. This blessing came in a 12 pound package of pure innocence, beautiful pleasures and diapers out the wazzoo. I have learned a lot through this journey, some good lessons and some tough lessons. I have learned that just because someone wants something really bad, it doesn't mean they will follow through.

Tonight, I am grateful for my family, friends, church family and those that I count on for advice and value their opinions. Thank you to all who have loved this Princess and cherished her. She knows she is loved. I know she is loved and I know you are loved. Thank you!

October falls into place.

I can't believe that it has been since June since I blogged. Guess I have been so busy and blogging was the last thing on my mind.

To begin with, I had ACL replacement and knee scope on July 15th. When I fell May 30th, I totally blew the ACL. I am now the proud owner of a cadaver ACL. I even have registered it in case it is ever recalled, which brings me to another point, what if it is recalled? Do they really think they will get it back from me? Not on your life. Surgery went great, day after really sucked a bitter lemon, but each day got better and better. I have finished rehab and will continue trying to strengthen the knee. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely, but the hardest part was being dependent on others for 2 weeks. My wonderful church family provided meals for the family and my parents were a huge source of support.

Brayden has gone on to the 8th grade and is playing football. He is also taking hip hop dance that he has always loved doing and is enjoying that but it keeps us way busy. He is becoming very responsible with his homework and schoolwork. He is doing well and hope the progress reports show what I hope.

Zach and Jo are doing well in Utah. Zach is going to Las Vegas to be in an ice hockey tournament. He is very excited about that as well as seeing Las Vegas, I am sure.

We have had a precious foster daughter for 4 months. Our plan was to adopt her, but plans changed, in her best interest. She is has stolen my heart and I am squeezing every minute I can until she goes to her forever family.