When your heart is outside your body

No one that has never had children will ever know the feeling of your heart being outside your body. (I don't mean birthing children either.) I mean anyone that has ever loved a child so deeply and so completely that the child takes your breath away.

Jesus loved children so much and told us how much in Matthew 18:1-6, 10

 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
² Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, ³ and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.⁵ Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.  ⁶ “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. ¹⁰ “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.

The joy of my life has always been to welcome children, from day care to residential care to foster care. I love children and their innocence. I have no tolerance for those that harm children.

When I was barely 21 years old, the Lord blessed me with Zachary. What an adventure the two of us had. We played all day, baked, rode bikes, shopped and traveled. We were two peas in a pod. Yes, JimBob was around but while he was at work and on military exercises, we just played. It was as carefree as life could be. I loved being a stay at home mommy and housewife. I loved having everything cleaned and dinner on the table for when my honey got home after a hard (or not so hard) day. And watching the interaction of Zach and his daddy was more than my heart could stand. They were so silly together, and were the best of friends.


When Zachary was 5 and we struggled with infertility, we began the process of adopting a little girl who was 3 years old. With the blessings of her father, and her mother deceased, we entered into the agreement. Until at the last minute when the judge returned her to her father and he fled the state. We never saw her again.


Within the realms of parenthood, we became pregnant a total of 5 times, loosing 3 of the pregnancies. We had resigned that the Lord had blessed us with Zachary and we were grateful. We also decided to get out of the Air Force and move to be closer to our families. Within 3 months of that decision, I became pregnant again, although cautiously optimistic, I carried the baby to term and the Lord blessed me once more with Brayden. We had two beautiful boys and decided to fix it so that we would not endure the pain of loosing another pregnancy. Brayden was my special blessing, and we had a special bond. Knowing he was the last child I would have, I chose to stay home and keep other children while doing a Christian pre-school program. Brayden was so different from Zach and too much like me. He is a wonderful child that I thank the Lord for him daily.


Throughout our married life we have been presented with opportunities to adopt a daughter, and something always got in the way, and prevented this from happening. This last opportunity has truly challenged me, my heart, my faith, my trust in others because I have totally fallen head over heels in love with this Princess, as have JimBob and Brayden. She is perfect, precious, beautiful, amazing and oh, so smart. The opportunity to adopt her has came and went, and wishing for a truly normal, happy life for her, we have to let her go. This is where my test of faith comes in. Proverbs 16:20

²⁰ He who heeds the word wisely will find good,   And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he. 

I have talked to those that I trust and asked for their opinions on this, and accepting that they know more than I know about the situation that brought her into this world, I have trusted in their counsel. Every morning and every night, I pray and I ask God to please take care of my boys and my baby girl, and I have to trust that He will because, HE loves children more than me. He loves them more than I do! 


No one will ever know the joy that she brought to my life, the pure innocent blessing that she is to me and my family. For a brief moment, I could picture her in long dog-ears or braids, and overalls, running at the farm or feeding a newborn calf. Swimming in the summers and meeting her older brother. I could imagine what her life would be, in dance class and swimming class, from soccer to cheer leading, for her to be anything she wanted to be, but for a brief time, all I could see was that she was mine, she would belong to our family, she would be our daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and a niece. I thought about the years ahead in VBS and making lifelong friends at church, the bonds that do not easily break. I still wish for these things for her, but know that I will not be witnessing them but someone else who calls her 'daughter' will be. Her laugh will always ring in my heart and no one will ever fill her space in my heart. That space is hers, and hers alone. And once again, my heart will be walking around outside of my body. It is amazing how much the heart can divide but there still is always enough of it when you need it.

I write this not because I want to be put on a pedestal or for one to pity us. I write this because I want you to know that blessings come every day, in every shape and size. This blessing came in a 12 pound package of pure innocence, beautiful pleasures and diapers out the wazzoo. I have learned a lot through this journey, some good lessons and some tough lessons. I have learned that just because someone wants something really bad, it doesn't mean they will follow through.

Tonight, I am grateful for my family, friends, church family and those that I count on for advice and value their opinions. Thank you to all who have loved this Princess and cherished her. She knows she is loved. I know she is loved and I know you are loved. Thank you!