One thing I dislike about depression, is you think things that are just not so. I am trying to look at things in a different manner, and I like the reactions and outcomes much better. I found myself in a situation that I was very confused about but I stopped and thought. The other person was one that I trust completely and have the utmost respect for and rather than thinking, "I can't believe that you did that and why?" I thought, I am going to speak to them and give them the benefit of the doubt, because of my level of respect for them. I put it (mostly) out of my head until we could meet, and I was right, that person was the person that I believed them to be.
Do you ever go on something without giving another a chance? I believe that it is not always as it seems. I place my guard up because betrayal hurts, it hurts so deep that sometimes you can't breathe. I hope that I never make another feel this way. I know firsthand how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone I love and trust. But you know what? I am still here and I am stronger now, my skin is a little bit thicker and I am so grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me. There is always an upside to the downside in life, you just have to be willing to look for it. You just have to open your eyes!
I appreciate people, I love people but I expect people to treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect. I work very hard every day to remember this when I deal with people, all kinds of people I deal with. I also try to remember that everyone was not raised like me and everyone is not like me, but everyone can be respectful to each other.
I am old school, I believe in respecting everyone and that doesn't mean you have to like them. I believe in the commandmants in the bible that say how God wants things done. Our society was much more moral and righteous when people believed in disciplining their children and that included spankings. The 'be kind and be your children's best friend, never spank and let them be what they want to be". I agree on a very little bit of that. I am not my children's friend, I am their mother and it is my responsibility to raise them in the Lord and teach them the Lord's way. I am proud of my boys who run to a door to open it for a lady that is by herself or for an elderly that needs help. For helping someone out to their car with their groceries, a perfect stranger. For getting a call from someone they are staying with and the person going on and on about my boy's manners and gratitude. I am proud of what my boys are becoming. I love them more than the air I breathe! I believe in consequences, for my boys and for myself.
I think the world would be a better place if we returned our country of "One nation under God" and we treated each other like we wish to be treated. Kindness and tenderness goes a long way.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
What an amazing week this was!
This is one of my favorite weeks of the year, right up there with Christmas, Vacation Bible School at Johnson Street Church of Christ is just amazing. The decorations are phenomenal and well done. Angel does a spectacular job of arranging, ordering and preparing for the decorations to be up and to be great! And they are. This year they were out of this world! Michelle took over the VBS director position and she did wonderful. Everything ran smoothly and the kinks were worked out quickly and easily. We have so many wonderful people teaching, helping, doing puppets, working prize booths, tech crew, security, driving the bus and serving snacks.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
The main highlight is the antics of Mr. VBS Director SIR! and Answerman. Answerman never gets a question right, really right, but these two are so funny and the kids love it. We had Under miner and Digger Davie and they brought light antics to the set this year. The kids are so funny.
The curriculum that was used was very well done and I pray that the children carry the lessons with them. It was an easy to understand study. But the best part for me is the singing. Children can put so much into a song, so much excitement, exuberance, emotion and true love of the song. Oh to sing like a little child. I could listen to children singing all the time. They don't care what they sound like of if anyone thinks they sing good, they just sing from their hearts, and it is beautiful!
Today was the day we brought in a dunking booth for Answerman and Under miner. The kids loved dunking them. When there was a lull in the stream of kiddos, I took my shot at the under miner, which was Megan, my girl, and the first 2 balls were a miss, but number three hit the target and down she went. That was fun. It probably would have been equally fun for her to dunk me.
It was such a wonderful week and I love having everyone at the building. Monday morning was the exception, but that is typical for the VBS Monday, some what. The building is bustling with children and the adults who brought them. Lines for snacks, and going to the puppet shows, moving on to crafts and bible lessons. The assemblies are greatness with the singing and the crazy antics. It is so fun to watch these two men, Mr. VBS Dirctor SIR(Randy) and Answerman (Buster), having so much fun with these children. Even the adults are laughing and singing. That is what makes a great VBS. Of all the VBS programs I have been apart of, Johnson Street is the best in every category. It is nice to see a whole different side of people, the side I like best, and that is the fun and funny side. I just love it!
I appreciate all that is done to bring the gospel to children. It is a huge effort to bring everything together but it is efficiently done and effectively pulled off. I only pray that lives were touched and a difference will be made in the lives of these children and their parents.
And then we topped of our Friday evening with a 9 year old's birthday party at Pump It Up. Was that ever fun. I challenged my cousister (my cousin who is like a sister to me) to the obstacle course and we took off laughing our hineys off. I could not make it over the hills or whatever they call it. I had MANY instructors telling me how to get over. My dad was tickling my feet which almost cost him his teeth. You don't tickle my feet and he knows better! Googley Bear that I lovingly refer to but her birth name is Marissa. She was having a ball with her friends and "boyfriend". We adults were having an equal amount of fun on our own and without any alcohol! Imagine that! I can laugh and act very retarded without the alcohol to loosen me up! I went down the big slide and it was SSSSOOOOOO fun! Challenge to get up it but work the climb!
My amazing day has come to a close and tomorrow will be equally amazing because I am choosing for it to be.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
12 – ways to improve your life
In red is my thoughts.
12 – ways to improve your life
* Concentrate on making others like and enjoy themselves, they’ll enjoy you more. I love being an encouragement to those I love and care about.
* Give others the benefit of the doubt, and doubt often – emphasize the benefit. Does this mean don't make assumptions unless you have all the facts? I like that one. I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
* Forget your ability to think faster than another person talks … everybody has it, but only the foolish use it. When you’re thinking ahead, you can’t hear what being said. Listening is the best attribute of a great friend. I hope I listen enough to you.
* Listen at least twice as much as you talk … others will hear twice as much as you say. Listening is the man of the game.
* Laugh with others often … only fools never laugh, or laugh at others. How about laughing at myself, I do some really stupid things! HAHA! Laughing is one of my favorite things.
* Use plain talk ... say what you mean, precisely what you mean, and only what you mean. And pray that they understand it as you said it. I get angry at me when others are hurt because of my words, even if I didn't mean it like they took it.
* Ask for more advice than you give … the wise seek counsel, the foolish only give it. Don't we all have those trusted people that we seek advice from, those that we have the utmost respect for? I love those people!
* Criticize sparingly, and then only constructively … one compliment is always worth a dozen critical remarks. I am a wussy when it comes to criticizing another. I don't feel like I have that right. I would much rather compliment and lift people up!
* Be approachable … few people talk often to a dragon or a stone wall or a ghost. Awww...I love dragons!
* Seek to know others … you’ll be amazed at how it will help you understand yourself. I love learning about others. People are so interesting and have wonderful stories especially the elderly!
* Greet every person you meet cheerfully and enthusiastically … nobody can fake cheerfulness and enthusiasm very long. I am working daily on this one. I have a great role model of this!
* Leave every person feeling better for having talked to you … they’ll be happy to see you next time. I hope people do feel better whn they leave me and if they don't I am sorry, I will try harder next time because I love you!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Only sinners welcome here
Sometimes I see something and it triggers something in me. This statement on a church t-shirt "Only sinners welcome here." Is that the truth? Why do we sometimes act like one person who has a greater amount of past sins is beneath us? Why do we continue to talk about that sin and why can't we let it go?
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Christians are not perfect and I am far from perfect, but I try hard every day not to look at another because of their sins or their past mistakes. But I do catch myself thinking, 'I can't believe she is doing something or has done this again.'
Everyone that draws breath is a sinner and my sin is no less than anothers. I have to constantly remind myself of that. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT OF ANOTHER.
I wish that we were not so indoctrinated by the ways of the world, that we could love without judging. Love without question and forgive without thought. God instructed us to love one another and we hold back; we hold back hugs and smiles and acceptance, for fear of what? Do we really care about what others think? 'She is hugging that sinner.' Shouldn't we all be hugging that sinner? Yes, we should all be hugging, and loving and accepting others more. Accepting people for exactly what they are. God's created beings that are flawed and are sinners. God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but can we not do this with one another? We have to learn day by day and hour by hour to keep the past IN the past. It has no place in the present or future.
I learned last week that I hurt someone I truly care about and respect. I was wrong and I was hurting, but I never meant to say the things I said. I never meant to hurt or insult and I was ashamed of myself. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness. There are people that have deeply hurt me, physically and mentally, and althought I choose to never be around them again or contact them, I forgave them, although they never asked because it is what is commanded of me. I have to forgive and more on because it will eat you alive if you don't.
"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."Matthew 18:21-22
I would love to see a more gentler and kinder world, but that has to start with me. I love people and I expect people to be honest and forthcoming, but that doesn't always happen, but that is in no way a reflection on me. That is a fault that lies within them.
The bottom line is to love like God loves, and that would eliminate the whispers, and the gossip, the hurt and the anger. It would do away with the judging and the second guessing. I have my task set before me to love unconditionally and to stop hurting others.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Out of the darkness into the light
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I have read this scripture over and over the last couple of months. I love the Psalm books and have been trying to draw strength from scripture and this one has really touched my heart. I commented in a previous blog that those that have never struggled with depression, don't know what those of us that do, go through. For 2 months I have been trying to keep up with life and the perception that I should portray, and every day I fight to get out of bed to go to work because my house doesn't run effeciently with just one paycheck.
I know that God will see me through this but I must seek to help myself. God has placed people in my life to see me through this. Some of it has come from the most unlikely of places and the most likely of people. I love these people dearly. I understand that some people don't know what to say or do when someone is down, but most people could just use a hug, a simple act showing you care even if you don't know what to say. I know what to say, because I know where they have been and nothing can pull me out of my depression quicker than someone I love slipping down that trecherous path.
I do know that it feels like being in a deep and dark pit or cave that is so dark that you never see your hand in front of your face. The harder you climb to get out and the harder you try to see the light, the deeper you go further from light. I read an article due to come out in the paper and it spoke of "darkness where your eyes never would adjust". I can relate to that darkness in my mind. Cloudy at best, trying to put on a smile, but what you need is someone to throw you a rope or light the candle so you can find your way out. Darkness in any sense is still and after too long of a time, you begin to see things that are not there. You second guess yourself and others.
I have miss judged and read someone's intentions that were not there. That is where my mind plays tricks on me. No, I don't hear people talking to me, or voices in my head. I am not psychotic or crazy, but do struggle with depression. I am very critical with myself. I can see the positive things in others but cannot see it in myself. Most of the time and when I am most blessed, my depression stays in control but occassionally it rears its ugly head. And occassionally I must pull myself up out of that pit of darkness and fight to get me back.
I wake up in the mornings and know this is another blessed day, and tomorrow is not promised. I have taken the first few steps to get this under control and fighting the devil every day. I just don't think I am going to let him win, I think myself and my relationships are more important than this big bad depression. I think I can do it and I can keep a steady emotional display. I have the ability to defend those I care about, but I need to give myself the defense I grant others.
I am very blessed being surrounded with those I love and care about. I am blessed in many ways and checking those blessings every morning before my feet hit the floor and praying for the strength to overcome the thoughts of the devil that plague my unreaonable thinking. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do it apologize but sometimes I need to. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What is your biggest battle in your life?
What do you feel like the devil brings to you daily? My hardest fight and biggest battle is depression. I am not ashamed to say it, I have a chemical imbalance, as does my mother, aunts, grandmother (had manic episodes) and sperm-donor who was also manic (or bipolar as they call it now). I don't like the ups and downs and I don't like feeling sad all the time. I struggle with burdening anyone to talk because quite frankly, anyone who has not struggled themselves with depression, do not have a clue. You get told things like, "you need to just snap out of it" or "you need to count your blessings". I am VERY aware of my blessings; I have a husband that I love more than the air I breathe, 2 wonderful sons that have never given me a moments grief, a percous daughter in law that loves my son completely. I have a supportive and loving family and extended family, and incredible church family that I don't think I could be without, a job that I love the work and the people, co-workers that are supportive and caring, a roof over my head, a car to drive me to work, one sweet laid back golden retriever and psycho mut boston terrier that keeps us laughing. What in the world do I have to be depressed about?
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
This is what sucks so bad, is I don't have any control over it. Depression first hit me when I had my second child and it hit hard and furious; postpartum depression. I began medicine and have never come off, although I do have to change occassionally to offset the fact that my body has become so use to the meds that they no longer work.
The hardest thing about depression is that it causes people to avoid you and causes you to push those you care about away. This is the thing I hate the most. I hate that it changes your relationships with those you loved and/or care about. Therein is the fact that people that do not suffer, so not understand. We, who suffer hate living in the darkness, and we want there to be a better way to live. The meds can cost us many things also, like our libido, and other side effects that are unpleasant. We have to weigh the benefits versus the side effects. I am only willing for some side effects and want others to be correct.
There are so many causes and treatment for depression and if there was a surgery to fix depression, I would be first on the table. I have read about shock therapy and that sounds terrible but if it works...
The hardest thing is people looking at you like there is something wrong with you or you are being a drama queen. I am such a shell of the me I want to be, and I do want so much more for my life that this demon. I want to be regulated and regular, or normal. The real me loves to laugh, loves to be with friends and family, loves to be silly and joke around. I love helping people and I love people. The depressed me does just what I have to do at home, would much rather be in bed than anywhere, or a cave sounds pretty good most of the time, but mostly I want to be gone so I don't take the risk of hurting those I care about or damaging a precious relationship. I fear saying something I can never take back and have done this way too much lately. I have alienated people and caused people hurt and could never apologize enough.
I think I would prefer to have only 3 limbs than to have depression. I would gladly trade something to be rid of this demon. Situational depression is different than chemical depression and I would gladly take situation over chemical. I have known for a very long time that my body is retarded. It is almost backwards in everything it does and my brain is retarded too because it short circuits and misfires synapysis to the wrong areas of the brain thus causing overwhelming sadness and darkness.
Just getting up and going to work and try to hide the fact that I am slipping down a very slippery slope, is so hard. Facing those that might judge my actions as rude or disrespectful when in fact I am only trying to make it through the day so I can go back home and go to bed.
I am so very grateful for my counsleor Amy, because she is kind and attentive. She understands my retarded body and is always ready with encouraging words and helpful medications. She knows her job and she knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
Daily I am in prayer, before my feet ever hit the floor I am in private prayer asking for help through the day. When it gets like it is now, I beg for help, hoping he will grant me some peace for my day. I can face trials and carry others burdens when I am on an even keel, but when satan attacks and attacks, day in and day out, I give up, because I can't fight the battle alone. Sometimes I just want to give up on life.
I want this corrected and fixed and I want my happy, easy going life back. I want to laugh, I want to feel like smiling all day and I want to be able to look people in the eyes, and when I am depressed, I don't want to look people in the eyes because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes.
I am fighting and I am doing battle, daily but I need those I love to stand by me to conquer this demon and to tell me they know how I feel and understand the tears. I need them to continue to love me...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My honey and me
It is Tuesday night and we are finally home from the hospital. Today was very frustrating at the hospital, and I really had to bite my tongue. JB was doing everything he needed to do. Walking every two hours, doing his respiratory breathing, and drinking, drinking, drinking. I asked the nurse for towels so he could shower and she had to see if that was OK. Doctor said yes and it took forever to get towels and washrags, and then even more time to unhook the IV. Finally he was able to shower, and I helped him and washed his hair and he was almost falling asleep. He said he could get used to that. HAHA!. Sure honey! Whatever you wish...
I ran down to the cafe to grab something to eat before 2PM because that is when they close for the day, and the guy running it was just too much of a cut up. There were 3 workers there getting lunches and he was talking about his party last weekend and picking up food and throwing it back (trying to be cute). I was not amused. I like having fun but there is a time and a place and that was not it. I had only had some breakfast that day and was getting a headache but there are not many options. There is a Dunston's Steakhouse and Whataburger around that hospital and I didn't want to leave JB. So I asked my mom in law to grab me a filet at Dunston's. That is a really good steakhouse, and I want to take JB back when he can have steak in a couple months. Now I will always have someone to split a steak with! LOL!
So a funny story! When JB and I first started 'goin out' ,I wasn't 16 yet and couldn't date. Our high schools were rivals, Mesquite vs. North Mesquite and it was game night between our schools. I was in the Mighty Maroon Band and I played the flute and I was on the Flag Corps during marching season. JB was in the Stallion Batallion which was the mascot squad. He had he uniform and I had mine. We went to our prospective sides during the game and he actually came over to our side to see me at half time. My friends were all so funny. I hated my band uniform, as it was very gay looking, you know the polyester suits and ugly but shiney shoes with a big bucket hat and feather at the top! Imagine that! I could not wait to change clothes to go out with my youth group after the game.
When the game ended we went to the church (Mesquite Church of Christ) as we always had activity after the games and this night we were going to Putt-Putt that is now no longer there. When we got to the church I grabbed my hanging bag to go change clothes and my brother grabbed the wrong bag and I had to wear my band nerd uniform to Putt-Putt or go home. I went pouting! When we got there I played a few games and remember this was before cell phones (in the dark ages), and JB showed up at Putt-Putt, so we played a few games and talked and walked. At one point, I can ever remember what parking spot it was, althought the lot was full of cars, he grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. Totally unexpected and WOW, that was my first kiss and it was one of those lighning rod kisses. Man, I liked kissing, I should have started that years ago! My sweet youth minister, Mickey, teased us that night about that kiss. He said he looked over and thought JB was gonna eat my head. I was VERY embarrised, my youth minister was watching, ugh! We weren't doing anything wrong but HE was watching.
Although it has been 23 years since we married and 27 years since that first kiss, his kisses still make me feel the way I did that night. Not the 'peck' kisses but the kisses, and I love that feeling! I love to kiss him and I still love to be surprised! That kiss that swept you off your feet. That feeling that made you think the butterflies in your stomach may just explode and escape. I love him so much, and I am so excited about this journey that we are on. The one I started December 27th and the one he started June 6th. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Our backet list keeps growing and the things we want to do keeps growing.
Sometimes people comment about us, "taking the easy way out". From my point of view, this is not the easy way but this is the path I had to take. My PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sysdrome) would not let me lose weight. I was a mess and my body was decling, my health was declining. I had to listen to the experts and I had to take a step I never wanted to take, but a step that I will never regret taking because it has the capacity to change my life. It has changed my life. JB was advised that for him to prevent adult onset diabetes he should have the surgery. His onchologist also told him that gastric bypass would greatly reduce his chance of this domant cancer awaking and attacking his organs. I want him by my side as long as I can. I want him by my side and the benefits greatly outweighed the risks. This surgery is life long monitoring. Making sure I have enough protein, vitamins and water.
JB's potassium dropped dangerously low tonight and he had to take potassium by mouth which is really nasty. IV potassium was an option also but he selected the oral. And eventually got it down.
I just want to say that sometimes you have great friends, and sometimes you have good friends but best friends are defined differently. A best friend is the one who stands by your side when the rest of the world walks out. Last week I felt like the rest of my world walked out, and my best friend Donna stepped up. She is a great sounding board and even tells me when I am stupid. I have known Donna longer than my honey. (and I don't know if she has ever completely forgiven JB for marrying me and taking me off to Alaska) I met Donna when her family placed membership at Mesquite Church of Christ and a lifelong friendship began. Yes, we have had our share of disagreements but we still loved each other (and she was wrong) just kidding Donna! She was at the hospital today and yesterday to be there for me and I appreciated that so much. I am not used to having people come out when I am not needing to be alone. Family yes, but not friends. And I want her to know that I will be there for her and for Mollie with this health crisis and forever. I love you my BFF!
I ran down to the cafe to grab something to eat before 2PM because that is when they close for the day, and the guy running it was just too much of a cut up. There were 3 workers there getting lunches and he was talking about his party last weekend and picking up food and throwing it back (trying to be cute). I was not amused. I like having fun but there is a time and a place and that was not it. I had only had some breakfast that day and was getting a headache but there are not many options. There is a Dunston's Steakhouse and Whataburger around that hospital and I didn't want to leave JB. So I asked my mom in law to grab me a filet at Dunston's. That is a really good steakhouse, and I want to take JB back when he can have steak in a couple months. Now I will always have someone to split a steak with! LOL!
So a funny story! When JB and I first started 'goin out' ,I wasn't 16 yet and couldn't date. Our high schools were rivals, Mesquite vs. North Mesquite and it was game night between our schools. I was in the Mighty Maroon Band and I played the flute and I was on the Flag Corps during marching season. JB was in the Stallion Batallion which was the mascot squad. He had he uniform and I had mine. We went to our prospective sides during the game and he actually came over to our side to see me at half time. My friends were all so funny. I hated my band uniform, as it was very gay looking, you know the polyester suits and ugly but shiney shoes with a big bucket hat and feather at the top! Imagine that! I could not wait to change clothes to go out with my youth group after the game.
When the game ended we went to the church (Mesquite Church of Christ) as we always had activity after the games and this night we were going to Putt-Putt that is now no longer there. When we got to the church I grabbed my hanging bag to go change clothes and my brother grabbed the wrong bag and I had to wear my band nerd uniform to Putt-Putt or go home. I went pouting! When we got there I played a few games and remember this was before cell phones (in the dark ages), and JB showed up at Putt-Putt, so we played a few games and talked and walked. At one point, I can ever remember what parking spot it was, althought the lot was full of cars, he grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. Totally unexpected and WOW, that was my first kiss and it was one of those lighning rod kisses. Man, I liked kissing, I should have started that years ago! My sweet youth minister, Mickey, teased us that night about that kiss. He said he looked over and thought JB was gonna eat my head. I was VERY embarrised, my youth minister was watching, ugh! We weren't doing anything wrong but HE was watching.
Although it has been 23 years since we married and 27 years since that first kiss, his kisses still make me feel the way I did that night. Not the 'peck' kisses but the kisses, and I love that feeling! I love to kiss him and I still love to be surprised! That kiss that swept you off your feet. That feeling that made you think the butterflies in your stomach may just explode and escape. I love him so much, and I am so excited about this journey that we are on. The one I started December 27th and the one he started June 6th. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Our backet list keeps growing and the things we want to do keeps growing.
Sometimes people comment about us, "taking the easy way out". From my point of view, this is not the easy way but this is the path I had to take. My PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sysdrome) would not let me lose weight. I was a mess and my body was decling, my health was declining. I had to listen to the experts and I had to take a step I never wanted to take, but a step that I will never regret taking because it has the capacity to change my life. It has changed my life. JB was advised that for him to prevent adult onset diabetes he should have the surgery. His onchologist also told him that gastric bypass would greatly reduce his chance of this domant cancer awaking and attacking his organs. I want him by my side as long as I can. I want him by my side and the benefits greatly outweighed the risks. This surgery is life long monitoring. Making sure I have enough protein, vitamins and water.
JB's potassium dropped dangerously low tonight and he had to take potassium by mouth which is really nasty. IV potassium was an option also but he selected the oral. And eventually got it down.
I just want to say that sometimes you have great friends, and sometimes you have good friends but best friends are defined differently. A best friend is the one who stands by your side when the rest of the world walks out. Last week I felt like the rest of my world walked out, and my best friend Donna stepped up. She is a great sounding board and even tells me when I am stupid. I have known Donna longer than my honey. (and I don't know if she has ever completely forgiven JB for marrying me and taking me off to Alaska) I met Donna when her family placed membership at Mesquite Church of Christ and a lifelong friendship began. Yes, we have had our share of disagreements but we still loved each other (and she was wrong) just kidding Donna! She was at the hospital today and yesterday to be there for me and I appreciated that so much. I am not used to having people come out when I am not needing to be alone. Family yes, but not friends. And I want her to know that I will be there for her and for Mollie with this health crisis and forever. I love you my BFF!
Monday, June 6, 2011
My honey and me
Well, today is June 6th, 2011 and today starts a whole new life for my husband. Today he had the gastric sleeve/bypass procedure. Exactly 161 days or 5 months and 10 days from the day I had my gastric sleeve/bypass surgery. There were a few varations between the two surgerys. He was scheduled to be here at 9:30AM with surgery scheduled at 1:40PM. He actually went back to the operating room at 2:30PM but surgery did not begin until 3:30PM. He got out of surgery at 6PM and was in his room at 7:30PM.
When he returned to his room, I did not expect the emotional overload of seeing him safe and doing well. It felt as thought I was holding my breath all day and was finally able to inhale but it came in the form of tears. I didn't make a fool of myself until now, sitting in his room with him resting next to me and I am so grateful to God for guiding the hands of the surgeons and all the prayers and well wishes of our family and friends. It means so much to me that people love my husband.
He is a good man, and has such a deep and tender heart. We talked a lot last night about the surgery, like after the surgery, exercise, pain and our boys. I didn't slumber last night for a good many things on my mind and in my heart so exhaustion is near. Sleep will not likely come easy tonight since he will need to wake and walk every two hours. There are so many things that we want to do together and with our children. My husband spent 10 years in the United States Air Force and got out when our youngest son was born, almost 15 years ago. He has regretted it and missed it every since. He loved the Air Force and has decided to go back in and finish the time to retirement. I think he will most likely do the reserves but only time will tell.
I do know that I am so glad he did well through the surgery and had a momentary panic attack when the surgery started andhour later. I don't think I could breathe without him. He is everything to me. Since I was a silly 15 year old working at McDonalds (illegally of course), and spied a really cute boy with a beautiful smile and his eyes lit up with every smile. That Big Mac maker touched my heart and eventually grabbed hold of it for good. We had a crazy romance for 4 years, breaking up and getting back together. Eventually after going in the Air Force he asked me to marry him, as did another that I was seeing. I knew who my heart belonged to, who stole my first kiss, and made the butterflies in my stomach fly unending so to my heart, there was no question. I told my mom I was going to marry JimBob and she said, "you aren't even dating him", well, no, not at the time, because he was in Alaska and I was in Texas and we set a date for July 9th, 1988. As time drew near, our impatience grew worse and we moved the wedding date up to March 19, 1988. We went from a large wedding at the Mesquite CoC to a small home wedding, from a wedding dress with a long train and veil to a tea-length wedding dress and from a spectacular honeymoon to one night at the Embassy Suites and then to fly to our new home in Alaska just 4 short days after our wedding.
That flight was my first time ever on an airplane at 19, and it was a 12 hours flight. I cried all the way to Seatlle, as this was the longest I would ever be from my family and friends. I granted and luckily, my new husband granted me that time. Once in Seatlle, I sucked it up and began the exclusive life of being Mrs. Jim Holley. We decide to be wait 5 years, we were young still and thought that would be a good time to start a family. Easier said than done. I most likely got pregnant on our wedding night, only to lose the pregnancy because I was taking birth control pills. That was a hard lesson and I never took another birth control pill. Losing that pregnancy changed us and brought us closer and on December 29, 1989 we were blessed with Zachary. Life has had it's ups and downs and sometimes I thought I would strangle him, but I love him with every inch of my being. Being blessed with 2 healthy beautiful boys is what matters. Losing 3 pregnacies in the course of our marriage was hard, as I always wanted a large family, but God had other plans. Our boys are almost 7 years apart and not expecting to carry Brayden and being told I couldn't have him, makes him that much more precious and we were all greatly blessed when God added him to our family.
I cannot wait to be an active healthy family again. We (I) have let too many things get in the way of me, my health, my heart, my relationships and my relationship with Christ. I strive daily to be what he wants me to be, and fail often. I hurt people, offend people and sometimes just want to crawl into a cave to keep from making others doubt me. There are so many people that I truly love and only want what is best for them and theirs. I ask forgiveness often of those I care for and most of the time it is granted. But I can't change what I have no control of and I can't make people care or love me, and that is OK because I was told to 'love one another' and I am only in control of me.
I have tremendous blessings of my family and my friends and I was so blessed to have my moms and my BFF here today, thanks moms and Donna for your support and thanks to those that called to check on JB; Mark, Randy, Angel, Kristin, Mrs. Gene and for T-bone stopping by to check on his bro. JB is very blessed with family and friends like you!
When he returned to his room, I did not expect the emotional overload of seeing him safe and doing well. It felt as thought I was holding my breath all day and was finally able to inhale but it came in the form of tears. I didn't make a fool of myself until now, sitting in his room with him resting next to me and I am so grateful to God for guiding the hands of the surgeons and all the prayers and well wishes of our family and friends. It means so much to me that people love my husband.
He is a good man, and has such a deep and tender heart. We talked a lot last night about the surgery, like after the surgery, exercise, pain and our boys. I didn't slumber last night for a good many things on my mind and in my heart so exhaustion is near. Sleep will not likely come easy tonight since he will need to wake and walk every two hours. There are so many things that we want to do together and with our children. My husband spent 10 years in the United States Air Force and got out when our youngest son was born, almost 15 years ago. He has regretted it and missed it every since. He loved the Air Force and has decided to go back in and finish the time to retirement. I think he will most likely do the reserves but only time will tell.
I do know that I am so glad he did well through the surgery and had a momentary panic attack when the surgery started andhour later. I don't think I could breathe without him. He is everything to me. Since I was a silly 15 year old working at McDonalds (illegally of course), and spied a really cute boy with a beautiful smile and his eyes lit up with every smile. That Big Mac maker touched my heart and eventually grabbed hold of it for good. We had a crazy romance for 4 years, breaking up and getting back together. Eventually after going in the Air Force he asked me to marry him, as did another that I was seeing. I knew who my heart belonged to, who stole my first kiss, and made the butterflies in my stomach fly unending so to my heart, there was no question. I told my mom I was going to marry JimBob and she said, "you aren't even dating him", well, no, not at the time, because he was in Alaska and I was in Texas and we set a date for July 9th, 1988. As time drew near, our impatience grew worse and we moved the wedding date up to March 19, 1988. We went from a large wedding at the Mesquite CoC to a small home wedding, from a wedding dress with a long train and veil to a tea-length wedding dress and from a spectacular honeymoon to one night at the Embassy Suites and then to fly to our new home in Alaska just 4 short days after our wedding.
That flight was my first time ever on an airplane at 19, and it was a 12 hours flight. I cried all the way to Seatlle, as this was the longest I would ever be from my family and friends. I granted and luckily, my new husband granted me that time. Once in Seatlle, I sucked it up and began the exclusive life of being Mrs. Jim Holley. We decide to be wait 5 years, we were young still and thought that would be a good time to start a family. Easier said than done. I most likely got pregnant on our wedding night, only to lose the pregnancy because I was taking birth control pills. That was a hard lesson and I never took another birth control pill. Losing that pregnancy changed us and brought us closer and on December 29, 1989 we were blessed with Zachary. Life has had it's ups and downs and sometimes I thought I would strangle him, but I love him with every inch of my being. Being blessed with 2 healthy beautiful boys is what matters. Losing 3 pregnacies in the course of our marriage was hard, as I always wanted a large family, but God had other plans. Our boys are almost 7 years apart and not expecting to carry Brayden and being told I couldn't have him, makes him that much more precious and we were all greatly blessed when God added him to our family.
I cannot wait to be an active healthy family again. We (I) have let too many things get in the way of me, my health, my heart, my relationships and my relationship with Christ. I strive daily to be what he wants me to be, and fail often. I hurt people, offend people and sometimes just want to crawl into a cave to keep from making others doubt me. There are so many people that I truly love and only want what is best for them and theirs. I ask forgiveness often of those I care for and most of the time it is granted. But I can't change what I have no control of and I can't make people care or love me, and that is OK because I was told to 'love one another' and I am only in control of me.
I have tremendous blessings of my family and my friends and I was so blessed to have my moms and my BFF here today, thanks moms and Donna for your support and thanks to those that called to check on JB; Mark, Randy, Angel, Kristin, Mrs. Gene and for T-bone stopping by to check on his bro. JB is very blessed with family and friends like you!
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