When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings,

People that have never had depression themselves will inadvertently tell a depressed person, 'just snap out of it' or 'count your blessings'. If we could have snapped out of it, we would have SNAPPED a LONG time ago! And counting our blessings is a good thing but not something someone wants to hear, as if we are being selfish and not thinking of others.

The Lord has truly sent blessings my way. I do believe that most men would have walked away from me a long time ago and knowing the things he knows now, he still would have that right. This was not part of the agreement, was NOT in the initial contact, not what he bargained for. Deep in my thinking, is embedded the belief that "MEN LEAVE". They just glance at something better, get bored, get overwhelmed, and get walking. I had seen this my whole life. Beginning with my father and my family. Families destroyed by divorce and children destroyed by abandonment, physical and/or emotional. There is nothing sadder to watch than a child waiting for a parent to pick them up for a visit and the parent never shows. No different than and elderly person waiting in the nursing home for someone that loves them to visit. But back to my initial thought. I know what my heart is doing, as it pushes those away that I love. My hurt is deep enough and I don't want others hurt by it also. My husband, although he wants to KNOW, has been a source of strength and a source of love. I often tease him about his 'wild days', and he was definitely a wild one, but I believe he has stayed true to me during our marriage. I just don't understand some things but I do understand that he loves me. Why is that so hard to accept for me? To be loved? Maybe I think I am too much work. Every since I was 15 years old, and had glanced at the smile on a boy at work, I have been smitten. 26 years this man has been in my heart and the key is no longer available. There is lots more room for me to love but not to get the love I have for him out. My first kiss, my first date, my first many. I don't think I deserve a man like this and I am so very thankful for him! I love you honey and thank you for standing by me and for holding me up when I became too weak to stand.