So sleepy, I might just ramble on...

Do you ever look back on the things you did as a 'youngster' and think, dang, I can't believe I did that, stupid? Well, yes and no. We all make choices and some not so great but can't we all recover from them? Yes, as long as we are able to forgive ourselves, first and ask forgiveness from the One that matters the most. I recently had a talk with a friend that I put all my trust in. I know, people will let you down and I expect none less from him, but it won't be intentional. Even though, there are certain things that we didn't talk about, the information myself and JB took away from that was incredible. Sometimes you have someone that can put something in a different perspective, a different spin on things, and it looks manageable. I have learned in the last few years that it is not all life-threatening. Might be life altering, or heart altering, but most of the time, we will survive, even though at the time it doesn't seem like it. I love people and I love having different people to turn to, to show me a different perspective.
I was visiting with a friend, who I love and admire so much yesterday. Some things you can talk about with one friend and one thing another. Well, Krista was just what I needed. I have been praying for an answer to what I should do with a medical decision. My physician discovered a mass in one of my breasts, quite deep, and the radiologist suggested I come back in 6 months. Well, 6 months could mean the different of life or death IF it turns out to be something that needed to be tended to immediately. She was in the same shoes a year ago and had her mass removed immediately. It turned out to be residual scar tissue, but there are numerous abnormal cells to watch. I pray that this is all my mass turns out to be but no matter what it is, I can't change it or go back in time. I must trudge forward and do what needs to be done. The physician suggested we remove it, but I just didn't know what to do. Should have seeked the counsel of a family RN, but didn't want to trouble anybody with this. So I am waiting to schedule another mammo this week and do plan to have it removed and tested, so if you could just say a little prayer, I would appreciate it.
In every marriage, you go through trials and set-backs. When I sit in retrospect and think, there are a few things I do know.

• I know that I love my husband with all my soul, heart and mind.
• I know that every since he and I worked together when I was 15, I have been in love with him. Maybe not love, love at 15, but that butterfly, jittery, funky feeling you get when you are kids.
• I know that we have weathered many storms together, loss of jobs, loss of pregnancies, loss of loved ones and sometimes it felt like we were losing our mind.
• I know that I know my husband better than anyone in this world, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
  
• I know that he was my first kiss and I hope he is my last kiss. That first kiss was a doozey, right in front of my youth minister and God.
• I know that even today when I kiss my husband, I still get that feeling in my stomach and that I love kissing him more than anything in the world.
• I know that my top goal in my relationship with him is to help him to get to heaven.
• I know that I will love him till the day I die! I also hope I go first because I am selfish and don't want to be on this earth without him.

So, we have started rebuilding our marriage into what we need and what we want. It will take some time but with God at the top of our list, we can't go too wrong. We have began to study every night together, quietly and alone. We are looking for some good marriage books, devotional for couples and such. I want to plan to go to the Great Smokey Mountains Marriage Retreat in February and I am working to make it a reality. That reatreat is so amazing. We would love to get some couples to go with us. We spend time in classes and spend time with each other. Let's face it, when you are raising kids, you can lose sight of each other, and if you are raising other people's children you can really lose sight of each other, so it is very important to shut off the rest of the world every day and study and snuggle and kiss. It is the part of my day that I am looking forward to. I don't have to share with anyone and I don't have to barter for his attention. Some day all the distractions of children in the home will be gone and what will be left? Just us. There are people that I love dearly that I never see them touch or show any signs of affection to each other. I don't need to see anyone mugging down or anything, but an occassional touch, to hold hands or a glance that says "I love you" or even the words. Why is that so hard to say to some people? "I love you". Three little words. I make sure that I say that to those I love because it might be the last thing they every hear me say. And it is something people need to hear others say, but you need to mean it! I catch myself occassionally, just saying it, and have to remind myself, that it is not in the words but in the meaning. I love my family, and my friends, and my church family and my co-workers and everyone deserves to be loved and have someone to love, after all, love makes the world go round. ;o)