I should be on the top of the mountain, and I have been mostly. My oldest, Zach is home from Korea until March 18 when he returns back to Korea. We have him, his wife, Joanna and our grandpuppy, Sir Austin. We have had a wonderful time with our kids and are not looking forward to the day they have to leave again. I love my boys so much and pretty fancy on my daughter in law also. I just don't feel like I see them as much as I would like, since I have a full time job during the day. Sometimes I wish that we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom again. Or at least a full time student and housewife. Life gets so chaotic at times that it often feels like the air is being squeezed out of me. I want to stop the ride and get off for awhile or maybe for good.
I am always so amazed at the closeness of my boys. Seven years between them, but the closeness is not lacking. They truly love and respect each other, they are honest with each other and they are always looking out for the best interest of each other. Making the other happy, makes them happy, and they laugh non-stop and wrestle. Brayden can almost hold his own with Zach, and is a strong one. (but not by the odorous strong either.) Well, maybe a little after they finish wrestling. As of today, we have not had to go to the ER but there have been a lot of close calls where a head comes awful close to a table. Brayden is notorious for busting his head open, and he never does it "just a little". Nope, he does it right! He is probably overdue already for this and is really testing the forces of nature.
There is nothing I love more than watching the interaction between the two of them; since the first time Zachary came to the hospital to meet Brayden; the amount of love in his eyes. Zachary could talk to him and Zach's voice would settle him down. Zachary begged for a baby brother since he knew what they were and was fully prepared for the job when it came to him. Although, even before Brayden's arrival, he made it plain that he was coming and big brother better watch out. When I would read to Zach every night before bed, with Zach in my shrinking lap, Brayden would kick him, over and over, making his presence on my lap very obvious. Zach would laugh and talk to my tummy for a while. It was sweet and still his. When Brayden came into Zach's life, it was better than any puppy, and when Zach came into Brayden's life, a lifetime bond of love and brotherhood began and I pray will exist until one of them draws their last breath.
I love that they love each other so much. Never has there been much jealousy, rivilry, or bickering. They have just been brothers loving each other. I love that Zach looks out for Brayden in every aspect; from his grades, to his attitude to his spirtiuality. And I love that Brayden listens and accepts what Zach has to say, unlike when the mean, ol' ogre parents come out of their cave and say something. I love my boys and I love that my boys love each other so much and I love that Joanna has perfectly fit in to the group and loves them both. I rest easy knowing that if anything were to happen to JB and myself, Brayden would be in goods hands, physically, mentally, spiritually and be loved.
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I have that perception of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize that it is a train coming. Overwhelmed, overstressed, overanxious, overkill. I over do things, mostly helping others or doing for others only to have it come back as a negative consequence for me. I don't know how to stop putting others in front of everything and me. I think I have the fear that I will become egotistical or self-centered (praising). I am around enough people that think they are God's gift to the world and it is not how I want ME to be. It is not very attractive, but feeling stuffed into a corner is not very attractive either. I am well aware that I let people dump on me and use me, and I pretend everything is perfect and as it should be. I don't tell anyone "NO", but how can anyone respect a person like that? They don't and that is obvious. Show me a person that respects someone without an inch of a backbone and I will show you an idiot. Self-worth is a blessing that many obtain, and I am envious of that character trait in so many people, because it is lacking in me.
Losing 200+ pounds in the last 14 months; you think would give me a little bit of self-worth, but unfortunately it did not. I still feel like the person with 200+ pounds on me but things were different then, with others. Some things were better then. Have you ever noticed that people don't have a problem hugging a larger person, but avoid that contact with a smaller person? WHY? Things were different and as much positive things that have changed in my life these last 14 months, just as many things have changed and some of them I was not prepared for nor do I want to continue or cease. These are the things I have no control over, no matter what actions I take, they will not change the thinking or feelings of another, I am still the same person; with the same thoughts, beliefs and morals. My passions are unchanged but challenged. My loves have remained the same except to grow and branch out to make those that MY heart cares for, more extended.
Being heavy was always "safe" for me. The last time I was thin was when I was 20 years old, that was 23 years ago. I was morbidly obese most of my life, but it was safe, because of an event that changed my life, my mind told me that I wouldn't get hurt like that if I was obese, and therefore it was safe. Was I happy? No, am I happy now? That is a question for the peanut gallery. I want life back as it was 15 years ago or better 16 years ago, getting ready for Brayden, with my happy family that was happy with me and we were content with what we had and didn't pine for what we didn't. I know I can't go back but I can wish for those relationships again. Can't I? Those were the good old days before poor choices led to anger and anger led to unhappiness. I don't know how to get much of that back or even if it is within my control.
I know I am an odd duck. I could not feel farther away from life than I do now. I don't think (I hope) I could ever feel any lonelier. When I was a child growing up family meant EVERYTHING! Grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. When did it stop meaning that? When did we stop being with family, standing up family, shunning family or making excuses to be away from family? When did we start judging our families instead of praying for and trying to bring them back to the church that Christ built? Do we see our family as a lost cause? Family is not a waste of time to me; emotionally, physically or spiritually; I will NEVER give up praying for my family to be whole again and to love again and to come back to the Lord again. Not one of us is without sin, and forgiveness is important, but why can't some reach that in a relationship with family.
I am one of the most non-confrontational people. I avoid conflict like the plague! I accept blame to avoid an argument, and bottle it up inside, but someone is always shaking that bottle and eventually, everything that is bottled up will come spewing out. It cannot stay in, the pressure is too much. I take a lot of stuff that I don't like or appreciate, from accusations, to perceptions (that is one of my pet-peeves) to just downright meanness. Everyone knows how to do my job better, be a better wife and mother, and best of all, everyone knows what kind of Christian I NEED to be. Yes, I am well aware that I am lacking in my walk with Christ. I am well aware of my faults and imperfections, and no, I don't appreciate them being tattooed on my forehead like the scarlet letter.
I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is the glue that sticks it all together. I believe there is a time to accept that friends do move on, and understand when a friendship parts. What I don't understand is friendship drastically changing for no reason. I don't believe it is my job to be in my friends business, unless they are doing something to put their eternity in jeopardy. Then it is up to me to be kind and address it as a non-judgmental friend that I want to be, without accusations or perceptions.
I do believe in love, for everyone else. I have this mental block when it comes to love for me. For me to love me or for others to love me. If I love you, I tell you and I mean it, but I don't like when those three words make a situation awkward. I am naive, I want to believe that the world is good. I don't want to see the news because it is depressing and negative. Not dealing with it does not resolve it or make it change, but it is sickening. Sickening that we 'approve' of same-sex marriages, that we murder our babies in-utero, and take the life of another because we felt like it. It is sickening that our country, the great Untied States that was founded on Christian beliefs and principals, is not interested in helping each other get to heaven, because "it might offend someone else." This is not true, pure love, the love that Christ has shown us to strive to be.
We have pushed God so far out of our lives and then beg Him to come back when tragedy strikes, or better yet, we blame Him. We ban Him from our schools and wonder why our schools are so bad. We have teachers that hand out condons and give a detention for wearing a cross. What is wrong with us America? Why have we allowed the devil to take control of our hearts, our marriages, our lives, our schools, our jobs, and our country. Are the majority that believe in the one true Christ that weak to say "NO, we will not be pushed aside and accept your decisions anymore." Why have we been silent for so long?
I know why. Most of America is like me; non-confrontational, and we don't speak up when something is happening that we don't like. We just sit back, pushed into a corner and stay out of the argument. Keep out of others way. DO what others say and ask even when we are swamped, or know something to be wrong. We (I) stop standing up for me and what I CAN and should do, to preserve what we know to be right in THE SIGHT OF GOD. When did He stop mattering? Everything should be based on Him. My daily living should be looking for His approval, my daily speech should be approved in His presence, my marriage and my parenting should be appropriately seeking for His approval. Too many of us are followers without a lot of strong leaders. Too many of us are afraid to speak out to the non-believers and we will eventually lose everything in this world and the next because of this reluctance. We have to answer for who we elect into office, BECAUSE who we elect into office will lead this town, county, state and country. Who we elect can and will and has changed the way that this country looks for direction. I think America has quit looking up for direction, but are now looking side to side and are content to let the devil have his way with us.
Kindness doesn't come easy for many and kind words are even harder to speak for some. I want my life back or I want God to take me out of this world. The harder I try, the harder it gets. Why? Well, I officially give up. Going through the motions, putting on a front, I am tired of living the lie. I am tired of not being true to those I love. I am just tired.
I have tried and tried and I do get tired but I believe in the power of God and His word. I may struggle with MY worth but I don't question His worth and His laws that He has set forth. I think and ponder over what I need to do to change and I pray, constantly for His forgiveness.
