This weekend was a really good weekend...almost. It was nice but life has a way of bringing you back to reality. As I sit and think,I listen to my washer making some really funny noises. But it is only 12 months old, maybe it is a fluke or maybe we will have issues with it. Who knows? But what is the worst that can happen? We would have to go to the laundry mat.
On Friday night we went to Alicia and Gary's wedding reception. (I almost typed Alicia and Rob because that is how it has always been. I am so glad that Alicia has found Gary and she seems so happy. I don't know if I could ever be as strong as her and I really admire her so much. She really had me laughing the other day. Tragically, Rob was taken from her,(and everyone else that loved him) after having an automobile accident the night before her birthday and their anniversary. He had gone out to buy her flowers and was returning. I remember the night like it was yesterday, and all the events until I got that call from Amber telling me that Rob had passed away. He had survived the accident and was making slow progress of improvement, for I believe 4 months and then had a deadly set back. They were supposed to grow old together but that was not to be. But Gary is her second chance to love and to be loved. They are so cute together and I hope we get to spend some time getting to know him soon. They have merged two families and she has such insight into life changes and is such a bright spot in everyone's life. I questioned whether or not to go, after all, I thought it might be uncomfortable but boy, was I wrong. Some friends that we had not seen since early 2008 were there and it was so great to see Don & Shellee. Just a reminder of how much we have missed cutting up with them. Crazy family and they have added an addition to their family and he is absolutly precious and they just found out they are going to be grandparents.
Saturday was a day of family togetherness. Sometimes that is good and sometimes that is bad. The jury is still out on this day. I enjoyed myself although there seemed to be a lot of tension in the air. It really did make me sad though because family is family and we all really tick everyone off sometimes and we have to forgive and forget. ALl the children need to know and be close to their cousins but a lot of these hard feelings are preventing more interaction with the family. I HATE when families fight, and avoid confrontation. I have been on both sides of the coin. I have been the hurt and the hurter. But even though I have been hurt, I want my children to be close to family. My family, his family, the whole family! I would never run down family in front of my children and never tell my children to avoid family. It makes me sad that sometimes families don't mind their own business. It is historically documented that everyone knows everything there is about children. You have millions of opinions, articles and books. But common sense should always prevail. I know my child and what my child needs, and everyone should respect that. While I have learned to SHUT MY MOUTH and not offer advice unless asked, and that can sometimes be a double edged sword too. No matter what your anser, you are in TROUBLE. Just as in the church, in the family you will have people that betray you. Yes, I said family will betray you. And that hurts so bad too, but we are not promised tomorrow and tomorrow may never come and all the anger and resentment begins anew when you get together. Why? I don't know, but I do know that I avoid confrontation like the plague! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying something really stupid. Right and wrong, sin and not is all in the individual believers thoughts. What is wrong in my eyes may not be wrong in another's eyes. Christian brothers and sisters and family can be the last to forgive and just think about the time that you have lost being angry. I don't feel like I have a lot of really close friends, just people that tolerate me, but that doesn't mean I love tham any less. Some of the people I love the most in this world are the ones that have hurt me the worst. WOW! That was a doozie of a statement, but it is true and could name a half dozen here and now. It always amazes me how an entire family can come together diferences, and anger and such and put on like nothing is happening. Is that good or bad? I just said I hate confrontation but I also hate wondering how people feel about me. That is me, the worrier. I have avoided many a family function because of a conflict and rather thatn go and feed the anger, I politely decline to make the trip. I can be a bit of a loner and want my time sometimes. But I will avoid confrontation at almost any cost! I notice my boys are like that too. They don't want to battle with anyone unless it is on Wii.
I have so much love in my heart for people that sometimes I think it will explode. I am just coming to terms with everything and trying to take one day at a time. I hope no one has been offended with my blog, because that was NOT the intent, but I would like to see all our family love each other truly and with total forgiveness. I love you all!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
The biggest question in our home right now...
We went into foster care with the hope of adopting a little girl to add to our family. We have secured a dual license to foster/adopt.
There are times that I want to adopt a little girl so bad and times that I think, maybe we should just wait for grandchildren. Grandchildren? Are you kidding? I am only 40 years old. But adoption, at 40 years old doesn't sound to practical either. I go back and forth and the more that we have children in our home, the more I want another but is it too much to ask of God? After 5 pregnancies and 2 beautiful sons that I would die for, I wonder if there is a reason that things just don't fall into place.
I love foster parenting although, I hate that it has been short termed. I would like a little more time with the children. I loved having the girls and dressing them up and fixing their hair and this little boy likes his hair "spayed" with spray hair gel. But I just don't know at all what I want to do.
It seems to be either siblings where there is a girl in the group or boys that we are offered and financially speaking, day care would eat us alive.
With Zach starting a life of his own and Brayden about to become a teenager, I find a struggle within myself. I hate turning down ANY children to adopt but just enjoy fostering until that special one that pulls at our heart stings comes along.
I also tend to have more time with just my husband. You know, during all those child rearing years, you sometimes lose sight of each other.
Going in different directions and passing like two ships in the night.
But when we get time, just the two of us, it is glorious and I am enjoying getting to know him all over again on a different level. Just snuggling, or watching a movie or even cleaning out the garage together. It is quiet and for many, many years my house has been anything but quiet, from the day care to the residential home, it was always full of laughter and singing and dancing and playing.
Listening to the noise from the aquarium is so relaxing. I often wonder what does the future hold for us? Another child or fostering and grandchildren? Either way is fine with me, but I have always had a very hard time telling anyone "no". So you throw in my "issue" with not saying no and my love for children and this has been very hard to figure. I want them all and a big house and to be able to be a stay at home mommy and take care of them, but that doesn't seem too
realistic in the future and with the state of the economy and my check book, I guess that is only a pipe dream.
Children want forever families and children deserve forever families, but what do I deserve? I still ache that Zach isn't here every night to hug and tell him that I love him, so I text him and tell him, "I love him infinity" only to get a text back saying, "I love you infinity AND beyond" or "I love you infinity times infinity". It is always a game with my boys to see who can love the mostest! Yes, I know that isn't a word, but who cares!
So my struggle continues. I was told by a sweet friend that I love children more than I love myself. TO a degree, that is very true. I DO love children and their innocence and their silly laughs when nothing is really funny but their imagination.
I will pray and pray and pray some more and ask that God direct me in the plan He has for my family. Our reason for our dual license was if that little girl came to us and we couldn't part, we would be licensed already. So, I guess I will just turn it over to God, or try my hardest to. I have issues with that control thing, I want to make it all fit right. I want to finish the puzzle, MYSELF, but you know what? All in all, I have a wonderful husband of 21 years and 2 wonderful sons and if that is all there is, so be it. It will still make the ending to a perfect story and will still make my life complete and my heart sing. I love my boy so much and I thank God for them daily!
There are times that I want to adopt a little girl so bad and times that I think, maybe we should just wait for grandchildren. Grandchildren? Are you kidding? I am only 40 years old. But adoption, at 40 years old doesn't sound to practical either. I go back and forth and the more that we have children in our home, the more I want another but is it too much to ask of God? After 5 pregnancies and 2 beautiful sons that I would die for, I wonder if there is a reason that things just don't fall into place.
I love foster parenting although, I hate that it has been short termed. I would like a little more time with the children. I loved having the girls and dressing them up and fixing their hair and this little boy likes his hair "spayed" with spray hair gel. But I just don't know at all what I want to do.
It seems to be either siblings where there is a girl in the group or boys that we are offered and financially speaking, day care would eat us alive.
With Zach starting a life of his own and Brayden about to become a teenager, I find a struggle within myself. I hate turning down ANY children to adopt but just enjoy fostering until that special one that pulls at our heart stings comes along.
I also tend to have more time with just my husband. You know, during all those child rearing years, you sometimes lose sight of each other.
Going in different directions and passing like two ships in the night.
But when we get time, just the two of us, it is glorious and I am enjoying getting to know him all over again on a different level. Just snuggling, or watching a movie or even cleaning out the garage together. It is quiet and for many, many years my house has been anything but quiet, from the day care to the residential home, it was always full of laughter and singing and dancing and playing.
Listening to the noise from the aquarium is so relaxing. I often wonder what does the future hold for us? Another child or fostering and grandchildren? Either way is fine with me, but I have always had a very hard time telling anyone "no". So you throw in my "issue" with not saying no and my love for children and this has been very hard to figure. I want them all and a big house and to be able to be a stay at home mommy and take care of them, but that doesn't seem too
realistic in the future and with the state of the economy and my check book, I guess that is only a pipe dream.
Children want forever families and children deserve forever families, but what do I deserve? I still ache that Zach isn't here every night to hug and tell him that I love him, so I text him and tell him, "I love him infinity" only to get a text back saying, "I love you infinity AND beyond" or "I love you infinity times infinity". It is always a game with my boys to see who can love the mostest! Yes, I know that isn't a word, but who cares!
So my struggle continues. I was told by a sweet friend that I love children more than I love myself. TO a degree, that is very true. I DO love children and their innocence and their silly laughs when nothing is really funny but their imagination.
I will pray and pray and pray some more and ask that God direct me in the plan He has for my family. Our reason for our dual license was if that little girl came to us and we couldn't part, we would be licensed already. So, I guess I will just turn it over to God, or try my hardest to. I have issues with that control thing, I want to make it all fit right. I want to finish the puzzle, MYSELF, but you know what? All in all, I have a wonderful husband of 21 years and 2 wonderful sons and if that is all there is, so be it. It will still make the ending to a perfect story and will still make my life complete and my heart sing. I love my boy so much and I thank God for them daily!
Friday, July 10, 2009
What is up with marriages in America?
And no, I am not the expert in any way shape or form on marriage, but I do know what the bible says about marriage. It says one MAN and one WOMAN for each other for life, for better or worse till death us do part. What part of that is confusing? This junk about gay, or excuse me, I must be "politically" correct, same sex marriages. Those last three words are an oxymoron. There is no such thing is same sex marriage. I hear people say, "well, if the leader says it is OK, then I guess it is OK." The leader? Are you kidding? Is our leader going to be with us in judgement? Who is going to be there when we stand before our maker? No one! Just me and my maker, and EVERY knee shall bow. Do we not think that we will be held responsible for who we checked on that ballot? I believe that He gave us free will to use common sense and put someone in that believes that God is over all creation. Marriage is so disposable today. God didn't create man to be with woman, and woman and woman and maybe a man thrown in there somewhere. I can't imagine having multiple sexual partners or multiple husbands. It has taken me 20 years to learn, and I mean REALLY learn the one that I have now. I love my husband more today than I did over 21 years ago. I loved him then but it was a mixture of love, lust, excitement and mostly lust. Being a child of divorce and being found "unfit" to date the boys in church because of the sin's of my father, I felt so lost in many ways. Why didn't my daddy love me? What did I do wrong and why did he not think of us? You learn really quick to move on and suck it up, but as a child that is really hard. My father has 2 children that are flesh and blood and even on our birthdays, we never heard from him. There is SO many broken homes and single moms and unwed pregnancies. Where did we go wrong? Children should be brought into homes with a married and committed couple, a mommy and daddy. Sex (making love) should be reserved for marriage in the committment of the marriage bed. Now, I do know kids will be kids and pregnancies happen, and it is not the end of the world but to just accept it like it is a normal as brushing your teeth twice a day? It impacts everyone involved with the baby! And I don't believe that just because a girl is pregnant that the young man should marry the young lady. Two wrongs do not make it right, and it usually is not right, and ends in divorce. Just 20 years ago a friend of mine went to Edna Gladney home to have her baby and give it up for adoption, although she chose to keep him. She was embarrised about the situation and wanted to have some peace while she was pregnant and think through her options and education. I have always wanted to open a maternity house in Greenvile like that but there is no shame at all in it anymore and therefore defeats the purpose. I wish America put more thought and more stock in marriage the way God intended! I by NO means think I am anywhere close to perfect! Very far from it, but I try to live my life to please Him and when I answer to Him I won't be embarrised. I wish people would take a better look at their spouse and TRY to work things out instead of looking for the easy way out. The children left in the wake of broken homes do not deserve that. I have seem so many children from broken homes, abused, beaten and sometimes killed. My children are the most important things in my life and it is my responsibility to teach them what a normal (as dysfuntional as it is) family does. They don't walk out on each other. They don't sleep with other people and betray each other, and they resolve conflicts TOGETHER. Raising children with a committed spouse is so incredible. Yes, there are problems but if you are committed, the problems can be resolved. I love being with my guys so much that I could live anywhere as long as we are together. My husband is the biggest blessing in my life. We have learned so much together over the last 25 years that we have been together. We have had ups and we have had downs, but we have made it through together and we probably would not have made it through apart. I definately know that there are some hurts that I could not have made it through without him. He is my rock and just having him HOLD me makes all the difference in the world.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Going into the summer of 2009
It seems like forever since I blogged on here. There is never enough time in the day. Zachary left for basic training in February and is currently in Wichita Falls in tech school. He came home for the first time last weekend. He will come home this weekend too and it will be an extended stay until Monday! We are planning to go camping and he will spend all day Monday with his brother until he leaves at 4pm to head back for his GI party.
This week I have been posting a lot of pictures on Facebook of friends and family. They have generated many comments, from how crazy were we to I really miss that person. Missing people just becomes an ache that never goes away. It may dull for a while and then something reminds you again. I have a belief that we are on this earth to prepare for our eternity in heaven. I struggle with our family and friends that feel like material things are so important and makes you the person you are. Too many times America places so much importance on WHAT you have instead of who you are and WHAT you do for other people. It would be such a lonely existence if our reality was our perception of ourselves. Some people think that it is ALL about them and if they were in a world with just them, how would they feel? It is NOT about me and anyone that knows me, knows that I dislike public recognition. I have a job to do at work and in life and it is expected of me, not hoped for. I was raised with the belief that there will be a consequence for every behavior and I EXPECTED that consequence good or bad. Consequences for children is so important. They know they are loved by the lessons that you teach them and the lessons that they teach themselves. I loved a lot and I lost a lot. I learned the hard lesson that people you trust with your soul will betray you and will turn their backs on you before they ever know the truth. I learned that children will say anything to get any kind of attention and spend the rest of their lives trying to right the wrong that they caused. I learned that parents in America don't have a clue how to raise a healthy, normal, self-conscious child without letting their egos and desires tear up their families. I learned that my family is so strong and so loving that we can get through anything. On heart ache and pain, I could write a book, just from the lessons I have learned and continue to learn the last 3 years. I have always tried to operate my thinking and my thoughts on children through love first. How would you feel at that age if you were in the child's shoes? Had I worn the shoes of some of the children I have had the privilege of caring for, I might be in a padded institution. Breaking the cycle, is what must be taught. No parent is perfect and no human is above reproach. I am so afraid for America because our kids struggle to learn in school because the teachers don't have a lot of options when it comes to teaching. I also think we lack the common sense that parents need. Just because I was told to do something did not mean I would do it. Was it right? Was it moral? Was it in the best interest of that child? The best interest of the child. Now, that is a loaded phrase. If we don't teach our children now to work hard and not be slackers, or that they don't have to do anything unless there is something in it for them, what are we creating? I love children. I love babies! Their innocence and pure love is incredible. What happens to that? When do they figure out that the world is not all giggles and grins and that life hurts? I guess for every human there is a different time frame for them. Boundaries and obligations and being politically correct? When did we come up with all these words and throw out our common sense. When did we decide that to tell a child "I love you" was mis-leading and giving a false sense of life? When did a hug become a boundary issue and make you question yourself and the reason for that hug? I never thought of a hug as a bad thing. Hugs are the most amazing thing next to your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your spouse. There is no better feeling than to hug a friend. Some friends have the most amazing hugs. I was raised in a home where we hugged. My aunts are the greatest huggers in the world, and my mom, and they have all had much practice. I have thrown out the hang ups that I learned and am back to trying to love more. I can't answer for anyone but me and I know me and I know what I am made of. I know that I will love my husband until the day I die and I know my children are my heart and my soul. I know that my family is so strong that nothing can shake it and I know I still love all the people that betrayed me. I also know I never want to hurt a person the way I was hurt. I could never live with myself if my job was so important that I was willing to flex my morals and my beliefs and stomp on anyone's heart. People are important and people are worth saving. No job should ever make you question you. I have questioned myself many a time, and ultimately I know who I am and I thought the people I loved knew who I was too. Since you can't change the past or people, I will work on changing me. I will work on loving more and reaching out more to those that have less than me, especially those that do not have as many people around that love them as I do. And whether you want to love me or not, I WILL love you and I will pray for you as I do every night for the children that I have been blessed to have in my life. Don't waste a minute hating or being angry. Chalk it up for what it is, the devil working hard, and love like there is no tomorrow.
This week I have been posting a lot of pictures on Facebook of friends and family. They have generated many comments, from how crazy were we to I really miss that person. Missing people just becomes an ache that never goes away. It may dull for a while and then something reminds you again. I have a belief that we are on this earth to prepare for our eternity in heaven. I struggle with our family and friends that feel like material things are so important and makes you the person you are. Too many times America places so much importance on WHAT you have instead of who you are and WHAT you do for other people. It would be such a lonely existence if our reality was our perception of ourselves. Some people think that it is ALL about them and if they were in a world with just them, how would they feel? It is NOT about me and anyone that knows me, knows that I dislike public recognition. I have a job to do at work and in life and it is expected of me, not hoped for. I was raised with the belief that there will be a consequence for every behavior and I EXPECTED that consequence good or bad. Consequences for children is so important. They know they are loved by the lessons that you teach them and the lessons that they teach themselves. I loved a lot and I lost a lot. I learned the hard lesson that people you trust with your soul will betray you and will turn their backs on you before they ever know the truth. I learned that children will say anything to get any kind of attention and spend the rest of their lives trying to right the wrong that they caused. I learned that parents in America don't have a clue how to raise a healthy, normal, self-conscious child without letting their egos and desires tear up their families. I learned that my family is so strong and so loving that we can get through anything. On heart ache and pain, I could write a book, just from the lessons I have learned and continue to learn the last 3 years. I have always tried to operate my thinking and my thoughts on children through love first. How would you feel at that age if you were in the child's shoes? Had I worn the shoes of some of the children I have had the privilege of caring for, I might be in a padded institution. Breaking the cycle, is what must be taught. No parent is perfect and no human is above reproach. I am so afraid for America because our kids struggle to learn in school because the teachers don't have a lot of options when it comes to teaching. I also think we lack the common sense that parents need. Just because I was told to do something did not mean I would do it. Was it right? Was it moral? Was it in the best interest of that child? The best interest of the child. Now, that is a loaded phrase. If we don't teach our children now to work hard and not be slackers, or that they don't have to do anything unless there is something in it for them, what are we creating? I love children. I love babies! Their innocence and pure love is incredible. What happens to that? When do they figure out that the world is not all giggles and grins and that life hurts? I guess for every human there is a different time frame for them. Boundaries and obligations and being politically correct? When did we come up with all these words and throw out our common sense. When did we decide that to tell a child "I love you" was mis-leading and giving a false sense of life? When did a hug become a boundary issue and make you question yourself and the reason for that hug? I never thought of a hug as a bad thing. Hugs are the most amazing thing next to your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your spouse. There is no better feeling than to hug a friend. Some friends have the most amazing hugs. I was raised in a home where we hugged. My aunts are the greatest huggers in the world, and my mom, and they have all had much practice. I have thrown out the hang ups that I learned and am back to trying to love more. I can't answer for anyone but me and I know me and I know what I am made of. I know that I will love my husband until the day I die and I know my children are my heart and my soul. I know that my family is so strong that nothing can shake it and I know I still love all the people that betrayed me. I also know I never want to hurt a person the way I was hurt. I could never live with myself if my job was so important that I was willing to flex my morals and my beliefs and stomp on anyone's heart. People are important and people are worth saving. No job should ever make you question you. I have questioned myself many a time, and ultimately I know who I am and I thought the people I loved knew who I was too. Since you can't change the past or people, I will work on changing me. I will work on loving more and reaching out more to those that have less than me, especially those that do not have as many people around that love them as I do. And whether you want to love me or not, I WILL love you and I will pray for you as I do every night for the children that I have been blessed to have in my life. Don't waste a minute hating or being angry. Chalk it up for what it is, the devil working hard, and love like there is no tomorrow.
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