There is nothing that I love more than family; my birth family (some I am much closer to than others) but I love them all the same, my church family who has been there for me in such tremendous ways, but my immediate family - my husband and my boys and my daughter in law.
Facebook - good or evil? Yes and yes, and if you understand that, you have been on as long as I have and are beginning to hate what Facebook does to relationships. One of my best friends in high school; we went through cosmetology school together, had babies on the same day (both boys over 9 lbs. by c-section; her in Texas and myself in Alaska) and we both had weight loss surgery. So very much in common and so very dear to my heart, but she thought my status was about her one time and I have no idea what it was, but she released contact with me and that really hurt, because I love her craziness and the fun we had. Oh the stories we could tell!
Relationships sometimes go, and the pain still burns for a long time. It seems many have gotten to where they cannot agree to disagree. I talked with some very wise women this weekend about a relational problem I am having but I want to know what caused it so long ago and why we couldn't address it then and not let it build for so many years. Words can be the MOST hurtful thing, sharper than a razor, and words typed on Facebook, text, email, etc. can be so misunderstood by tone and facial expressions. I am a facial reader, and prefer face to face conversation.
My name is Stacy Holley and I have issues. I will be the first to admit it. I have been abandoned, molested, abused, hurt, rejected, betrayed and trampled. Through it all I still love. I can't read a tender story or watch a sweet video without tearing up. I come by it honest; I am cursed or blessed (I consider it a blessing) by this along with my maternal grandfather, my mom, my brother and some of my cousins. I cry because I hurt and I want us all to stop hurting each other; to agree to disagree and be able to tell each other when we hurt. I cry because I am happy or others are happy and that makes me happy. Life is too short to continue breaking each other down and causing one another pain.
I want to forgive and be forgiven. I want to love and be loved. I want to cry and be held. Of all the relationships in the world, the one I anguish over is the longest relationship I have known, one of blood, but one of courage. One that only knows some of the pain I feel for enduring the same. One that used to make me believe that it was myself and them against the world, arm in arm and heart to heart. I don't know what happened. Did we grow apart or just grow up. Time and distance between us, my heart never left theirs. Our views and opinions changed and we didn't see eye to eye but I have come to realize that no one can choose your path for you. It is not laid out in a pretty little package, it is yours to choose. Whether right or wrong, the choice is each persons. Are choices made a salvation issue and if Christ came at any point in my life or activity, would He chose to take me home? I have to think about MY choices because I will only answer for MY choices.
I know I have been guilty of NOT speaking in love and kindness and my tongue has had the bite of a serpent. For that I am truly sorry and have asked forgiveness for my actions that were less than what Christ would have of me. I live to serve Him and to set an example, to which I often fail miserably, and will fail until I draw my last breath. I try to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.
When my life on earth is done, I want to be remembered for the good I did, the joy I brought others and I want people to say that I lived a life that exemplified a Christian example. I do not believe in once saved, always saved, but believe that I must ask forgiveness for my short comings, to God and to man.
My family will always be my family, my blood will always be my blood, but I also want them to be my eternal and heavenly family as well, because knowing the truth, their rewards will be endless when following the word of the Lord.
Wise words from a Christian sister...Is it a Salvation issue? Am I loving the way God instructs. Thoughts and words to ponder, while poring through scripture to search how to better my service in Him.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, October 8, 2012
Life in the faster lane....
I can't believe it has been since March sine I updated my blog! SO much has happened since then and life is such a whirlwind....I can't find the time to sit still long enough to blog and shouldn't be doing this now, at 12:30 in the morning.
Last time I blogged, my sweet Zach and Jo were visiting. Zach has since left Korea and they are now back in Utah and happy as a clam. (However happy that is.) They are making friends, reconnecting with friends and re-establishing their lives together again. My gran-puppy Austin, became a big brother recently with the addition of Leviathan (Loving referred to as Levi). Austin seems to be taking the job serious and enjoying having a non-human playmate. Austin is a border collie and Levi is a border collie/golden retriever mix. Both are very smart dogs and seem to be behaving themselves. LOL! It is Zach and Jo we should be worrying about. Zach and Jo purchased their first vehicle, a small SUV and are very proud of it.
Jim Bob, Brayden and myself are going to Utah in December, the 14th to be exact and I am so excited. I can't wait to spend time with ALL my kids and being at Zach and Jo's home as a guest will be a first! Brayden and I will be able to be there for 2 weeks and JB will be there a week. We are doing as many odd jobs as we can and saving, saving, saving!!
After we return from Utah, JB and I will have our 25th wedding anniversary on March 19th. Every year we switch off, where one year he plans and the next year I plan and yes, he usually does very well. This was my year and I have taken 2 cruises and he has never been. Add in the violin and the exemplary whining..... It is just a 4 day cruise into Cozumel but will be good to just have some down time with my husband.
This has been a little bit of a difficult year in that we have had some struggles. My allergies have really played into my nausea and my weight has been a battle. For 20+ years, I have battled morbid obesity, and now my battle is to gain weight back. My lowest weight was 114 pounds and my goal weight is 130, NOT to exceed 140. I am finally hovering at 130 and holding. My bariatric surgeon gave the green light to begin working out and running. This I have not started yet, because we are trying to grasp hold of chaos and ring it in. I am at that point where I am tired of stuff; stuff to save, keep, put up for a rainy day, display (and have to dust). We are working on a yard sale for this Saturday and may need to have another in November. I just want to de-clutter and keep the house cleaned.
Now, with all that said, let me get back to my health and the amazing journey we have been on. For the first time since my surgery, my levels of protein and vitamins were NORMAL! Hallelujah! My vitamin D was the only thing that was low and intensive 12 week treatment has began. I have found a new Primary Care Physician that will be able to handle all my health needs, although I will continue to see Dr. T for my post bariatric follow ups. My biggest frustration has been my levels of estrogen being so low and that is very frustrating. My PCP noticed that my thyroid was out of whack (I mean, dropping 200 pounds can knock anything out of whack!) Blood work will be drawn and I will have a mammogram and bone density test soon. Ready to get my levels normal in all the realms and GET ON WITH MY FULL LIFE!
Last time I blogged, my sweet Zach and Jo were visiting. Zach has since left Korea and they are now back in Utah and happy as a clam. (However happy that is.) They are making friends, reconnecting with friends and re-establishing their lives together again. My gran-puppy Austin, became a big brother recently with the addition of Leviathan (Loving referred to as Levi). Austin seems to be taking the job serious and enjoying having a non-human playmate. Austin is a border collie and Levi is a border collie/golden retriever mix. Both are very smart dogs and seem to be behaving themselves. LOL! It is Zach and Jo we should be worrying about. Zach and Jo purchased their first vehicle, a small SUV and are very proud of it.
Jim Bob, Brayden and myself are going to Utah in December, the 14th to be exact and I am so excited. I can't wait to spend time with ALL my kids and being at Zach and Jo's home as a guest will be a first! Brayden and I will be able to be there for 2 weeks and JB will be there a week. We are doing as many odd jobs as we can and saving, saving, saving!!
After we return from Utah, JB and I will have our 25th wedding anniversary on March 19th. Every year we switch off, where one year he plans and the next year I plan and yes, he usually does very well. This was my year and I have taken 2 cruises and he has never been. Add in the violin and the exemplary whining..... It is just a 4 day cruise into Cozumel but will be good to just have some down time with my husband.
This has been a little bit of a difficult year in that we have had some struggles. My allergies have really played into my nausea and my weight has been a battle. For 20+ years, I have battled morbid obesity, and now my battle is to gain weight back. My lowest weight was 114 pounds and my goal weight is 130, NOT to exceed 140. I am finally hovering at 130 and holding. My bariatric surgeon gave the green light to begin working out and running. This I have not started yet, because we are trying to grasp hold of chaos and ring it in. I am at that point where I am tired of stuff; stuff to save, keep, put up for a rainy day, display (and have to dust). We are working on a yard sale for this Saturday and may need to have another in November. I just want to de-clutter and keep the house cleaned.
Now, with all that said, let me get back to my health and the amazing journey we have been on. For the first time since my surgery, my levels of protein and vitamins were NORMAL! Hallelujah! My vitamin D was the only thing that was low and intensive 12 week treatment has began. I have found a new Primary Care Physician that will be able to handle all my health needs, although I will continue to see Dr. T for my post bariatric follow ups. My biggest frustration has been my levels of estrogen being so low and that is very frustrating. My PCP noticed that my thyroid was out of whack (I mean, dropping 200 pounds can knock anything out of whack!) Blood work will be drawn and I will have a mammogram and bone density test soon. Ready to get my levels normal in all the realms and GET ON WITH MY FULL LIFE!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
What A Life I Lead...full of wonderful moments and secrets; and the blessings of my two boys.
I should be on the top of the mountain, and I have been mostly. My oldest, Zach is home from Korea until March 18 when he returns back to Korea. We have him, his wife, Joanna and our grandpuppy, Sir Austin. We have had a wonderful time with our kids and are not looking forward to the day they have to leave again. I love my boys so much and pretty fancy on my daughter in law also. I just don't feel like I see them as much as I would like, since I have a full time job during the day. Sometimes I wish that we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom again. Or at least a full time student and housewife. Life gets so chaotic at times that it often feels like the air is being squeezed out of me. I want to stop the ride and get off for awhile or maybe for good.
I am always so amazed at the closeness of my boys. Seven years between them, but the closeness is not lacking. They truly love and respect each other, they are honest with each other and they are always looking out for the best interest of each other. Making the other happy, makes them happy, and they laugh non-stop and wrestle. Brayden can almost hold his own with Zach, and is a strong one. (but not by the odorous strong either.) Well, maybe a little after they finish wrestling. As of today, we have not had to go to the ER but there have been a lot of close calls where a head comes awful close to a table. Brayden is notorious for busting his head open, and he never does it "just a little". Nope, he does it right! He is probably overdue already for this and is really testing the forces of nature.
There is nothing I love more than watching the interaction between the two of them; since the first time Zachary came to the hospital to meet Brayden; the amount of love in his eyes. Zachary could talk to him and Zach's voice would settle him down. Zachary begged for a baby brother since he knew what they were and was fully prepared for the job when it came to him. Although, even before Brayden's arrival, he made it plain that he was coming and big brother better watch out. When I would read to Zach every night before bed, with Zach in my shrinking lap, Brayden would kick him, over and over, making his presence on my lap very obvious. Zach would laugh and talk to my tummy for a while. It was sweet and still his. When Brayden came into Zach's life, it was better than any puppy, and when Zach came into Brayden's life, a lifetime bond of love and brotherhood began and I pray will exist until one of them draws their last breath.
I love that they love each other so much. Never has there been much jealousy, rivilry, or bickering. They have just been brothers loving each other. I love that Zach looks out for Brayden in every aspect; from his grades, to his attitude to his spirtiuality. And I love that Brayden listens and accepts what Zach has to say, unlike when the mean, ol' ogre parents come out of their cave and say something. I love my boys and I love that my boys love each other so much and I love that Joanna has perfectly fit in to the group and loves them both. I rest easy knowing that if anything were to happen to JB and myself, Brayden would be in goods hands, physically, mentally, spiritually and be loved.
...
I have that perception of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize that it is a train coming. Overwhelmed, overstressed, overanxious, overkill. I over do things, mostly helping others or doing for others only to have it come back as a negative consequence for me. I don't know how to stop putting others in front of everything and me. I think I have the fear that I will become egotistical or self-centered (praising). I am around enough people that think they are God's gift to the world and it is not how I want ME to be. It is not very attractive, but feeling stuffed into a corner is not very attractive either. I am well aware that I let people dump on me and use me, and I pretend everything is perfect and as it should be. I don't tell anyone "NO", but how can anyone respect a person like that? They don't and that is obvious. Show me a person that respects someone without an inch of a backbone and I will show you an idiot. Self-worth is a blessing that many obtain, and I am envious of that character trait in so many people, because it is lacking in me.
Losing 200+ pounds in the last 14 months; you think would give me a little bit of self-worth, but unfortunately it did not. I still feel like the person with 200+ pounds on me but things were different then, with others. Some things were better then. Have you ever noticed that people don't have a problem hugging a larger person, but avoid that contact with a smaller person? WHY? Things were different and as much positive things that have changed in my life these last 14 months, just as many things have changed and some of them I was not prepared for nor do I want to continue or cease. These are the things I have no control over, no matter what actions I take, they will not change the thinking or feelings of another, I am still the same person; with the same thoughts, beliefs and morals. My passions are unchanged but challenged. My loves have remained the same except to grow and branch out to make those that MY heart cares for, more extended.
Being heavy was always "safe" for me. The last time I was thin was when I was 20 years old, that was 23 years ago. I was morbidly obese most of my life, but it was safe, because of an event that changed my life, my mind told me that I wouldn't get hurt like that if I was obese, and therefore it was safe. Was I happy? No, am I happy now? That is a question for the peanut gallery. I want life back as it was 15 years ago or better 16 years ago, getting ready for Brayden, with my happy family that was happy with me and we were content with what we had and didn't pine for what we didn't. I know I can't go back but I can wish for those relationships again. Can't I? Those were the good old days before poor choices led to anger and anger led to unhappiness. I don't know how to get much of that back or even if it is within my control.
I know I am an odd duck. I could not feel farther away from life than I do now. I don't think (I hope) I could ever feel any lonelier. When I was a child growing up family meant EVERYTHING! Grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. When did it stop meaning that? When did we stop being with family, standing up family, shunning family or making excuses to be away from family? When did we start judging our families instead of praying for and trying to bring them back to the church that Christ built? Do we see our family as a lost cause? Family is not a waste of time to me; emotionally, physically or spiritually; I will NEVER give up praying for my family to be whole again and to love again and to come back to the Lord again. Not one of us is without sin, and forgiveness is important, but why can't some reach that in a relationship with family.
I am one of the most non-confrontational people. I avoid conflict like the plague! I accept blame to avoid an argument, and bottle it up inside, but someone is always shaking that bottle and eventually, everything that is bottled up will come spewing out. It cannot stay in, the pressure is too much. I take a lot of stuff that I don't like or appreciate, from accusations, to perceptions (that is one of my pet-peeves) to just downright meanness. Everyone knows how to do my job better, be a better wife and mother, and best of all, everyone knows what kind of Christian I NEED to be. Yes, I am well aware that I am lacking in my walk with Christ. I am well aware of my faults and imperfections, and no, I don't appreciate them being tattooed on my forehead like the scarlet letter.
I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is the glue that sticks it all together. I believe there is a time to accept that friends do move on, and understand when a friendship parts. What I don't understand is friendship drastically changing for no reason. I don't believe it is my job to be in my friends business, unless they are doing something to put their eternity in jeopardy. Then it is up to me to be kind and address it as a non-judgmental friend that I want to be, without accusations or perceptions.
I do believe in love, for everyone else. I have this mental block when it comes to love for me. For me to love me or for others to love me. If I love you, I tell you and I mean it, but I don't like when those three words make a situation awkward. I am naive, I want to believe that the world is good. I don't want to see the news because it is depressing and negative. Not dealing with it does not resolve it or make it change, but it is sickening. Sickening that we 'approve' of same-sex marriages, that we murder our babies in-utero, and take the life of another because we felt like it. It is sickening that our country, the great Untied States that was founded on Christian beliefs and principals, is not interested in helping each other get to heaven, because "it might offend someone else." This is not true, pure love, the love that Christ has shown us to strive to be.
We have pushed God so far out of our lives and then beg Him to come back when tragedy strikes, or better yet, we blame Him. We ban Him from our schools and wonder why our schools are so bad. We have teachers that hand out condons and give a detention for wearing a cross. What is wrong with us America? Why have we allowed the devil to take control of our hearts, our marriages, our lives, our schools, our jobs, and our country. Are the majority that believe in the one true Christ that weak to say "NO, we will not be pushed aside and accept your decisions anymore." Why have we been silent for so long?
I know why. Most of America is like me; non-confrontational, and we don't speak up when something is happening that we don't like. We just sit back, pushed into a corner and stay out of the argument. Keep out of others way. DO what others say and ask even when we are swamped, or know something to be wrong. We (I) stop standing up for me and what I CAN and should do, to preserve what we know to be right in THE SIGHT OF GOD. When did He stop mattering? Everything should be based on Him. My daily living should be looking for His approval, my daily speech should be approved in His presence, my marriage and my parenting should be appropriately seeking for His approval. Too many of us are followers without a lot of strong leaders. Too many of us are afraid to speak out to the non-believers and we will eventually lose everything in this world and the next because of this reluctance. We have to answer for who we elect into office, BECAUSE who we elect into office will lead this town, county, state and country. Who we elect can and will and has changed the way that this country looks for direction. I think America has quit looking up for direction, but are now looking side to side and are content to let the devil have his way with us.
Kindness doesn't come easy for many and kind words are even harder to speak for some. I want my life back or I want God to take me out of this world. The harder I try, the harder it gets. Why? Well, I officially give up. Going through the motions, putting on a front, I am tired of living the lie. I am tired of not being true to those I love. I am just tired.
I have tried and tried and I do get tired but I believe in the power of God and His word. I may struggle with MY worth but I don't question His worth and His laws that He has set forth. I think and ponder over what I need to do to change and I pray, constantly for His forgiveness.
I am always so amazed at the closeness of my boys. Seven years between them, but the closeness is not lacking. They truly love and respect each other, they are honest with each other and they are always looking out for the best interest of each other. Making the other happy, makes them happy, and they laugh non-stop and wrestle. Brayden can almost hold his own with Zach, and is a strong one. (but not by the odorous strong either.) Well, maybe a little after they finish wrestling. As of today, we have not had to go to the ER but there have been a lot of close calls where a head comes awful close to a table. Brayden is notorious for busting his head open, and he never does it "just a little". Nope, he does it right! He is probably overdue already for this and is really testing the forces of nature.
There is nothing I love more than watching the interaction between the two of them; since the first time Zachary came to the hospital to meet Brayden; the amount of love in his eyes. Zachary could talk to him and Zach's voice would settle him down. Zachary begged for a baby brother since he knew what they were and was fully prepared for the job when it came to him. Although, even before Brayden's arrival, he made it plain that he was coming and big brother better watch out. When I would read to Zach every night before bed, with Zach in my shrinking lap, Brayden would kick him, over and over, making his presence on my lap very obvious. Zach would laugh and talk to my tummy for a while. It was sweet and still his. When Brayden came into Zach's life, it was better than any puppy, and when Zach came into Brayden's life, a lifetime bond of love and brotherhood began and I pray will exist until one of them draws their last breath.
I love that they love each other so much. Never has there been much jealousy, rivilry, or bickering. They have just been brothers loving each other. I love that Zach looks out for Brayden in every aspect; from his grades, to his attitude to his spirtiuality. And I love that Brayden listens and accepts what Zach has to say, unlike when the mean, ol' ogre parents come out of their cave and say something. I love my boys and I love that my boys love each other so much and I love that Joanna has perfectly fit in to the group and loves them both. I rest easy knowing that if anything were to happen to JB and myself, Brayden would be in goods hands, physically, mentally, spiritually and be loved.
...
I have that perception of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize that it is a train coming. Overwhelmed, overstressed, overanxious, overkill. I over do things, mostly helping others or doing for others only to have it come back as a negative consequence for me. I don't know how to stop putting others in front of everything and me. I think I have the fear that I will become egotistical or self-centered (praising). I am around enough people that think they are God's gift to the world and it is not how I want ME to be. It is not very attractive, but feeling stuffed into a corner is not very attractive either. I am well aware that I let people dump on me and use me, and I pretend everything is perfect and as it should be. I don't tell anyone "NO", but how can anyone respect a person like that? They don't and that is obvious. Show me a person that respects someone without an inch of a backbone and I will show you an idiot. Self-worth is a blessing that many obtain, and I am envious of that character trait in so many people, because it is lacking in me.
Losing 200+ pounds in the last 14 months; you think would give me a little bit of self-worth, but unfortunately it did not. I still feel like the person with 200+ pounds on me but things were different then, with others. Some things were better then. Have you ever noticed that people don't have a problem hugging a larger person, but avoid that contact with a smaller person? WHY? Things were different and as much positive things that have changed in my life these last 14 months, just as many things have changed and some of them I was not prepared for nor do I want to continue or cease. These are the things I have no control over, no matter what actions I take, they will not change the thinking or feelings of another, I am still the same person; with the same thoughts, beliefs and morals. My passions are unchanged but challenged. My loves have remained the same except to grow and branch out to make those that MY heart cares for, more extended.
Being heavy was always "safe" for me. The last time I was thin was when I was 20 years old, that was 23 years ago. I was morbidly obese most of my life, but it was safe, because of an event that changed my life, my mind told me that I wouldn't get hurt like that if I was obese, and therefore it was safe. Was I happy? No, am I happy now? That is a question for the peanut gallery. I want life back as it was 15 years ago or better 16 years ago, getting ready for Brayden, with my happy family that was happy with me and we were content with what we had and didn't pine for what we didn't. I know I can't go back but I can wish for those relationships again. Can't I? Those were the good old days before poor choices led to anger and anger led to unhappiness. I don't know how to get much of that back or even if it is within my control.
I know I am an odd duck. I could not feel farther away from life than I do now. I don't think (I hope) I could ever feel any lonelier. When I was a child growing up family meant EVERYTHING! Grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. When did it stop meaning that? When did we stop being with family, standing up family, shunning family or making excuses to be away from family? When did we start judging our families instead of praying for and trying to bring them back to the church that Christ built? Do we see our family as a lost cause? Family is not a waste of time to me; emotionally, physically or spiritually; I will NEVER give up praying for my family to be whole again and to love again and to come back to the Lord again. Not one of us is without sin, and forgiveness is important, but why can't some reach that in a relationship with family.
I am one of the most non-confrontational people. I avoid conflict like the plague! I accept blame to avoid an argument, and bottle it up inside, but someone is always shaking that bottle and eventually, everything that is bottled up will come spewing out. It cannot stay in, the pressure is too much. I take a lot of stuff that I don't like or appreciate, from accusations, to perceptions (that is one of my pet-peeves) to just downright meanness. Everyone knows how to do my job better, be a better wife and mother, and best of all, everyone knows what kind of Christian I NEED to be. Yes, I am well aware that I am lacking in my walk with Christ. I am well aware of my faults and imperfections, and no, I don't appreciate them being tattooed on my forehead like the scarlet letter.
I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is the glue that sticks it all together. I believe there is a time to accept that friends do move on, and understand when a friendship parts. What I don't understand is friendship drastically changing for no reason. I don't believe it is my job to be in my friends business, unless they are doing something to put their eternity in jeopardy. Then it is up to me to be kind and address it as a non-judgmental friend that I want to be, without accusations or perceptions.
I do believe in love, for everyone else. I have this mental block when it comes to love for me. For me to love me or for others to love me. If I love you, I tell you and I mean it, but I don't like when those three words make a situation awkward. I am naive, I want to believe that the world is good. I don't want to see the news because it is depressing and negative. Not dealing with it does not resolve it or make it change, but it is sickening. Sickening that we 'approve' of same-sex marriages, that we murder our babies in-utero, and take the life of another because we felt like it. It is sickening that our country, the great Untied States that was founded on Christian beliefs and principals, is not interested in helping each other get to heaven, because "it might offend someone else." This is not true, pure love, the love that Christ has shown us to strive to be.
We have pushed God so far out of our lives and then beg Him to come back when tragedy strikes, or better yet, we blame Him. We ban Him from our schools and wonder why our schools are so bad. We have teachers that hand out condons and give a detention for wearing a cross. What is wrong with us America? Why have we allowed the devil to take control of our hearts, our marriages, our lives, our schools, our jobs, and our country. Are the majority that believe in the one true Christ that weak to say "NO, we will not be pushed aside and accept your decisions anymore." Why have we been silent for so long?
I know why. Most of America is like me; non-confrontational, and we don't speak up when something is happening that we don't like. We just sit back, pushed into a corner and stay out of the argument. Keep out of others way. DO what others say and ask even when we are swamped, or know something to be wrong. We (I) stop standing up for me and what I CAN and should do, to preserve what we know to be right in THE SIGHT OF GOD. When did He stop mattering? Everything should be based on Him. My daily living should be looking for His approval, my daily speech should be approved in His presence, my marriage and my parenting should be appropriately seeking for His approval. Too many of us are followers without a lot of strong leaders. Too many of us are afraid to speak out to the non-believers and we will eventually lose everything in this world and the next because of this reluctance. We have to answer for who we elect into office, BECAUSE who we elect into office will lead this town, county, state and country. Who we elect can and will and has changed the way that this country looks for direction. I think America has quit looking up for direction, but are now looking side to side and are content to let the devil have his way with us.
Kindness doesn't come easy for many and kind words are even harder to speak for some. I want my life back or I want God to take me out of this world. The harder I try, the harder it gets. Why? Well, I officially give up. Going through the motions, putting on a front, I am tired of living the lie. I am tired of not being true to those I love. I am just tired.
I have tried and tried and I do get tired but I believe in the power of God and His word. I may struggle with MY worth but I don't question His worth and His laws that He has set forth. I think and ponder over what I need to do to change and I pray, constantly for His forgiveness.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A Heavy Heart to start 2012
One of my resolutions was to find a way to manage my feelings/depression. Thing is, when I get extremely overwhelmed, I have no control over things. I just want to get things done and go to bed. Sleep is where comfort is at a time like this.
By most of your standards, I would be considered broken. On days like today, I feel like there will never be any way to repair me. I have come a long way but I still feel so lonely. Weight loss has changed the way people respond to me, which makes me feel like I did when I was broken and deeply hurt. Rejected, denied, and discounted. Not worth the time. I feel like this is 'my just due'. If I appear to be self assured and confident, I am then being prideful and showy. Who uses the word "showy" anymore, really and who still sends anonymous letters to people judging them? What kind of person does that?
I believe my Christian family is the best blessing that God gave me, but I don't feel like I belong anymore, just the last 6 months when my weight loss has been substantial. I don't want to hear about how great I look, while you stand at arms length, when I am dying inside. While I used to like having a quiet lunch at work and "catching up" with work, I don't like eating alone. My other options are to go out shopping, not, or waste gas driving around. I was asked to go to lunch more often, but that has stopped. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
I find myself wishing to switch places with a sweet child that deserves more than what he is getting. While I who have more does not deserve it. I am frustrated and most of my control has been taken away. We have had our Golden Retriever, Lacey Noel for 10 years, and it seems like we are going to have to make some tough choices. I vowed that I would never let another dog suffer as I did with Kodie trying to 'save' her with meds, tests, trials, vitamins, and treatments. Never again will I do that. We put our deposit down on Lacey when she was 1 week old, and her eyes were not even open. We all had been crushed by losing Kodie and days after her death secured Lacey with a payment. She was opposite Kodie in color, build and facial structure as we wanted so we would not compare the two. Both awesome dogs, amazing protectors of their boys. Severe ear infections that we or the vets cannot clear up, suspected cancer and obvious major hip and shoulders discomfort. Too many things. I have been working to treat her ears, but the smell is terrible and seems to get worse. It is only a matter of time, and we have been requested to try to wait until Zach is here. We will try.
I wonder if doing what I needed to do to save my life may in fact hamper it? I don't understand chemistry; I have always known my body, how it feels and what makes things go. I can't figure anything out anymore and I can't make myself as healthy as I want to be. I want my strength back, my energy back and I want the happy me back. I feel like I have been doing battle for over a year, and I guess I have, since my ACL was replaced. I have never, ever in my life had problems with my ears, and now at age 43, I am having problems. They make me light-headed, nauseous and more often than not, cause me to emit what I have recently nourished myself with. I am too impatient, I want answers now.
I also have another child on my heart and wait for decisions that may be made soon.
My main frustration lately is asking and never getting. I ask for things to be done that I need but it doesn't matter, so I go through doing things the long, hard way because I grow tired of asking. It makes things redundant and taxing. I don't understand why people just ignore others requests, because if it didn't matter, I would NOT ask. People use the term "silent treatment", but it is not. It is just not wasting the breath to ask, because you know they will never follow through.
The way the world is turning makes me sad sometimes, because I am a toucher, a hugger, someone who cares when someone is having a bad day or week. If I sense that something is wrong, I ask, and try to help, but it seems as though people don't have time for people anymore. If they sense you are not your normal. perky self, they avoid you. I believe in the power of touch and hugs, I believe in love. Love of family, love of friends, love of God. I am painted as naive, someone who doesn't understand how the world is. Oh, but I do know and so we just go along with it and accept it? I think not. Isn't this why we have gotten where we are? No one would ever speak up, or continue loving like we were all raised to love and hug and help others.
There are a few other things that are heavy on my heart, but I am not at liberty to discuss them on here. They are way too personal or would cause problems. I am just me, being the best that I can be and keeping my head above water. I am mostly deep in thought when others think I am upset or angry and that is very bothersome, but we all know people will always make assumptions without asking almost every time. That is a pet peeve of mine especially when the ones doing that are the ones you thought you were close to.
By most of your standards, I would be considered broken. On days like today, I feel like there will never be any way to repair me. I have come a long way but I still feel so lonely. Weight loss has changed the way people respond to me, which makes me feel like I did when I was broken and deeply hurt. Rejected, denied, and discounted. Not worth the time. I feel like this is 'my just due'. If I appear to be self assured and confident, I am then being prideful and showy. Who uses the word "showy" anymore, really and who still sends anonymous letters to people judging them? What kind of person does that?
I believe my Christian family is the best blessing that God gave me, but I don't feel like I belong anymore, just the last 6 months when my weight loss has been substantial. I don't want to hear about how great I look, while you stand at arms length, when I am dying inside. While I used to like having a quiet lunch at work and "catching up" with work, I don't like eating alone. My other options are to go out shopping, not, or waste gas driving around. I was asked to go to lunch more often, but that has stopped. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
I find myself wishing to switch places with a sweet child that deserves more than what he is getting. While I who have more does not deserve it. I am frustrated and most of my control has been taken away. We have had our Golden Retriever, Lacey Noel for 10 years, and it seems like we are going to have to make some tough choices. I vowed that I would never let another dog suffer as I did with Kodie trying to 'save' her with meds, tests, trials, vitamins, and treatments. Never again will I do that. We put our deposit down on Lacey when she was 1 week old, and her eyes were not even open. We all had been crushed by losing Kodie and days after her death secured Lacey with a payment. She was opposite Kodie in color, build and facial structure as we wanted so we would not compare the two. Both awesome dogs, amazing protectors of their boys. Severe ear infections that we or the vets cannot clear up, suspected cancer and obvious major hip and shoulders discomfort. Too many things. I have been working to treat her ears, but the smell is terrible and seems to get worse. It is only a matter of time, and we have been requested to try to wait until Zach is here. We will try.
I wonder if doing what I needed to do to save my life may in fact hamper it? I don't understand chemistry; I have always known my body, how it feels and what makes things go. I can't figure anything out anymore and I can't make myself as healthy as I want to be. I want my strength back, my energy back and I want the happy me back. I feel like I have been doing battle for over a year, and I guess I have, since my ACL was replaced. I have never, ever in my life had problems with my ears, and now at age 43, I am having problems. They make me light-headed, nauseous and more often than not, cause me to emit what I have recently nourished myself with. I am too impatient, I want answers now.
I also have another child on my heart and wait for decisions that may be made soon.
My main frustration lately is asking and never getting. I ask for things to be done that I need but it doesn't matter, so I go through doing things the long, hard way because I grow tired of asking. It makes things redundant and taxing. I don't understand why people just ignore others requests, because if it didn't matter, I would NOT ask. People use the term "silent treatment", but it is not. It is just not wasting the breath to ask, because you know they will never follow through.
The way the world is turning makes me sad sometimes, because I am a toucher, a hugger, someone who cares when someone is having a bad day or week. If I sense that something is wrong, I ask, and try to help, but it seems as though people don't have time for people anymore. If they sense you are not your normal. perky self, they avoid you. I believe in the power of touch and hugs, I believe in love. Love of family, love of friends, love of God. I am painted as naive, someone who doesn't understand how the world is. Oh, but I do know and so we just go along with it and accept it? I think not. Isn't this why we have gotten where we are? No one would ever speak up, or continue loving like we were all raised to love and hug and help others.
There are a few other things that are heavy on my heart, but I am not at liberty to discuss them on here. They are way too personal or would cause problems. I am just me, being the best that I can be and keeping my head above water. I am mostly deep in thought when others think I am upset or angry and that is very bothersome, but we all know people will always make assumptions without asking almost every time. That is a pet peeve of mine especially when the ones doing that are the ones you thought you were close to.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The road to higher education ends in a dead end....
I have always dreamed of being able to go back to school. I always thought my honey would get his degree and a job to go with that degree and I could go to college full time. Even applying for the Pell Grant, beginning this is out of grasp, and is very frustrating. I can't explain how I felt today.
I have to go on with what is working, taking care of my family, contributing to our household budget, and keeping our heads above water. I may never have more that a high school diploma to show for, but I long to learn more. I love to have things to challenge my mind, and I love to stretch it above and have more knowledge than what I had yesterday. I have a full doctorate degree in the school of hard knocks but no one wants your knowledge when it is earned that way.
I would love classes to improve my job today as I have it. English and writing classes to have a better understanding or refresher of the proper use of the English language and sentence structure. Computer training to make working the programs easier, instead of going about things the long way. I can play long enough on a program and learn it fairly well, but if I don't use it often, it goes by the way side.
I would love to be able to begin writing, but I lack the confidence of my sentence structure and would like a larger thesaurus in my mental vocabulary. Just from life experiences and from thoughts in my mind, I have a wide array of things that I believe that I could write well about.
What I cannot change, is not to continue dwelling on, so I will put it on the back burner until something changes.
I have to go on with what is working, taking care of my family, contributing to our household budget, and keeping our heads above water. I may never have more that a high school diploma to show for, but I long to learn more. I love to have things to challenge my mind, and I love to stretch it above and have more knowledge than what I had yesterday. I have a full doctorate degree in the school of hard knocks but no one wants your knowledge when it is earned that way.
I would love classes to improve my job today as I have it. English and writing classes to have a better understanding or refresher of the proper use of the English language and sentence structure. Computer training to make working the programs easier, instead of going about things the long way. I can play long enough on a program and learn it fairly well, but if I don't use it often, it goes by the way side.
I would love to be able to begin writing, but I lack the confidence of my sentence structure and would like a larger thesaurus in my mental vocabulary. Just from life experiences and from thoughts in my mind, I have a wide array of things that I believe that I could write well about.
What I cannot change, is not to continue dwelling on, so I will put it on the back burner until something changes.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand...
After taking a sleeping pill and a Vicodin, I am wide awake; maybe they counter-acted each other but none the less I cannot sleep. I have many events that stand to be corrected and in my present physical state, I feel myself lacking in the energy to correct it.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
I have completed every step needed to begin the courses of college again but have yet to register for a class. I have decided to take 2 classes this fall and have to make my way to the college to register for them. My plan was to do that Friday morning when this attack, or should we say the devil, reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I think there is always something trying to prevent me from pursuing this dream of mine. Tomorrow I shall attempt to get out to do this and have a little bit of sunshine on my face. Classes begin on Monday and this week is late registration.
I went through a training for 4 weeks to become a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, and I have accepted my first case. That too will be on my list of things to do while I am out tomorrow to prepare myself to return to work and the daily activities of life. It has not even been 72 hours since I had surgery but it feels like it has been weeks, the hours tick by so slowly and although I look for things to occupy my time, boredom creeps in and steals an hour of wasteful slumber.
There are some very funny things that happen when you have surgery or are under the effects of lasing general anesthetic. The dreams that I have had and the dreams that still come are that of which you don't repeat for fear of being locked inside a soft and cushy room with all but one tiny window. They make no sense and run together things that don't belong together. While I was under the effects of a strong IV pain medication, I indicated that our youth minister was in the hallway delivering pizzas. When my husband questioned me; speaking to him as if HE were the crazy one, I said "what, you don't see him?" I know that this person had been up there to check on me right before they gave me the IV injection, but it is funny how our mind associates things and random thoughts enter in. After my surgery, when my husband came in, I remember nothing of him being there. I remember a bright green shirt and khakis cargo shorts. I don't remember a head attached to the shirt but I knew who it was. I knew my mom and dad were there, but not because I remember seeing them. I remember a cup, straw and pen in a hand and I knew it was her. It is funny how things work in the mind. I believe I have repeatedly questioned my husband about what was said by doctors and people there and also what I said.
I know I am so bad about listening to my body and acting on its signals. I will be that person that has the heart attack and dies because she didn't pay attention to the signs. I know the signs, but with aches and pains, just dismiss them for something minimal. For two weeks I laid in pain, not responding to the pain that my body was projecting. It is very easy for me to blame me, knowing I did something wrong to cause this pain. The funny thing is my husband commented, that I do everything I am supposed to do; I took all my vitamins and made sure my body was in the best possible condition before surgery. I follow doctors orders (except to rest) to the letter and make sure I do what I need to do but I still have problems. Complications are not any fun and I try to avoid them by following the rules. I don't play games with my health but I also fear people thinking I am a hypochondriac. I pride myself on working to earn my living and doing what is right as much as humanly possible. I believe it is because when you hear how people talk about those they believe are hypochondriacs, it is not a description that you would like.
I put too much emphasis on caring about what others think of me. For many people, I truly respect and appreciate them and I do care but for others that are just mere acquaintances, why does it matter? It really doesn't or shouldn't and my focus is on separating those two groups. I care what they think because they matter to me?! My whole life has been a trial in that I wait in judgement of what others think or how others feel. For 42 years I have quietly listened to others thoughts and opinions and rarely have I said anything for fear of them thinking poorly of me. My opinions aren't wrong or screwed up, my opinions are moral and godly and it saddens me when the minority are making up the majority because they can speak up loud and clear. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. There is no middle ground.
Does that mean that as long as you do what is right everything will go right for you? No, on the contrary, the harder you work to live right, the harder Satan has to work to sway you and the harder things are. OK, so life is going to be hard? Keep on bringing it....
Blessings still abound amidst the chaos of Satan fighting me. I never could have imagined my life today when I was a child. As a child I never saw myself as a wife or mother. I never 'imagined' my babies were my babies, or my Ken doll was my husband, I just fell into it, or should I say tripped into it. There were two options lined out for me; both were of marriage; one was of like-faith and love would develop and one was of separate faith but true love. I chose the road of true love and it did turn out for the best, I believe. Two wonderful boys later and still deeply in love, I think my choice was clear. I believe that things can make us who we are and who we are can make us believe.
As I forge forward praying that this day will bring healing to my body and peace for my soul, I ask the Lord to take my hand, lead me on, and help me stand. For I know I cannot do this without Him or the Christians that He has placed in my life to guide me and support me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Things I strongly dislike....
I don't have much understanding for just crude stuff and the one thing that I think is so disrespectful and crude is this wrist bands that say "I boobies!" One, it is called Breast Cancer and is a very serious type of cancer. I have lost many friends and family, and have very dear friends that I would never disrespect by wearing anything like that! I notice that is mostly men that wear them, but I don't think I have ever met a single man that didn't "love boobies" so why do certain men need to advertise? Insecurity? I strongly dislike them and I think they are so disrespectful and watching my dear friend fight this dreaded disease angers me even more.I am even more put out when people wear them into worship. Where does that belong? I saw a male species (and I use the term lightly) tonight who had one of these bands on. He was not someone that you would consider a desirable date option but you know what he loves. Pshhh....
I also don't understand the face piercings. I'm not talking about the tiny nose piercings (which I think are cute in most cases), I am talking hoops in the lips, nose and eyebrows. What is it with the huge black hoops stretching the ear lobes? How some people scar and stretch their bodies and faces is so beyond me. I see younger and younger children being allowed to do this to their faces and bodies. Seriously, I don't think I could ever kiss someone that has lip piercings. It is really disgusting.
Parents that are sucked into the 'fashion fad' and allow their young girls to wear clothing that is way too suggestive or inappropriate. Why does America want to expose our precious little girls like this? Why do we as Christians not teach our daughters and special girls in our lives that their bodies belong to God first and then only to their husbands? It is a lesson that MUST be taught. There is modest and stylist clothing for girls. I appreciate and respect the moms that make their swimsuits and clothing and the girls are aware of what modesty means, even at young ages. Just because a girl has not met puberty, doesn't mean low cut or short short is appropriate. Creepers and sexual predators are looking at your little girls! They need to be protected by the people that God entrusted with them. Otherwise our girls don't have a chance, they are sending out messages that they don't even know they are sending. Just FYI, I feel the same about our boys too. Don't allow this 'sagging' mess. Who wants to see someones underwear? Not I. I usually just walk by singing the "Pants on the ground" song and they pull them up.
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